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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on swingers site denying it

85 replies

Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 07:53

Found my husband has been on a fabswingers site searching for people! He denied Everything then I found a photo of his anatomy in his phone files that is clearly from the same site in Dec 2020
He swears on the children’s lives he hasn’t been in the site ! He will not tell me the truth despite the evidence on his computer and phone 😢 he is a wonderful husband but I don’t know what to do as I feel betrayed and scared that I don’t know this man. Please help me as I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
IDontReadEyebrows · 03/07/2021 08:17

@CassandraTrotter

Found my husband has been on a fabswingers…He swears on the children’s lives he hasn’t been in the site. He will not tell me the truth despite the evidence on his computer and phone… he is a wonderful husband

Really? You know he has an account and photos connected on his phone but he swore on his children’s lives he doesnt. WhT makes him a Wonderful husband?

Agree wholeheartedly. If he’s a “wonderful husband” you’re setting the bar low.
MondayYogurt · 03/07/2021 08:18

What do you want to happen?
He could have a woman or man sitting in your bed and he could still deny anything happened. If he wants to deny it then he will.

You only have power over how YOU behave, not him. So what can you do to change the situation for the best for you and your children, not him?

I do not recommend telling your children. That is emotional manipulation and they don't deserve it.

WaltzingBetty · 03/07/2021 08:18

@Scattylady2

Iv given him the ultimatum told him il tell the kids if he doesn’t tell me the truth but he’s still denying it 😢 first time on here can people see my email address? So scared been up for last 2 nights unable to sleep and unable to tell anyone or our relationship will definitely be over! I know it’s sad but I want to belie him as love my life
Why would you tell your children their dad is on fabswingers? Please don't weaponise them.

You need a serious conversation with him.

Tell him that by denying abd gaslighting you he is effectively ending your marriage.

The only way he can rebuild tryst is by being honest and transparent - showing you everything and asking for forgiveness.

If he won't do that then it's over.

Did you get screenshots

Original poster
Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 08:21

I was looking for an email and saw this

OP posts:
Original poster
Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 08:21

Yes I got screen shots

OP posts:
JupiterWeb · 03/07/2021 08:22

I'm a member of the site, give me his username if you know it and I'll look it up!

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 03/07/2021 08:23

So he said the emails were fakes or whatever but how did he explain the picture. Surely that is harder to play dumb about?

QuimKardashian · 03/07/2021 08:23

Get him to move to a hotel for the weekend and make divorce plans

Original poster
Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 08:23

Why would he still be denying it I just need the truth as will never be able to trust him again would anyone forgive him if he doesn’t tell the truth

OP posts:
4PawsGood · 03/07/2021 08:26

Do you believe he’s not on there?

You know you don’t need to prove it. It’s not a criminal case. If you want to leave him, you can just decide to do that. Smile

WaltzingBetty · 03/07/2021 08:27

@Scattylady2

Why would he still be denying it I just need the truth as will never be able to trust him again would anyone forgive him if he doesn’t tell the truth
Because he thinks he can sweep it under the rug and carry on as normal.

If he acknowledges it he has to deal with the consequences.

It's the same reason that small children lie despite evidence to the contrary and shows his emotional immaturity

Original poster
Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 08:28

He deleted his account so don’t know username

OP posts:
Original poster
Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 08:28

Joined the site to see

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 03/07/2021 08:29

@Scattylady2

Why would he still be denying it I just need the truth as will never be able to trust him again would anyone forgive him if he doesn’t tell the truth
If you're 100% sure he is lying and have evidence to back it up and he is still lying then no i couldn't forgive that. You will be on edge not knowing what else he us hiding and if he isn't ready to own up and acknowledge it was a mistake then it is likely something he will explore further and you'll be hurt again in the future. Obviously it is much easier ti say all this when you're not in the situation though but I really don't think i could let that go, trust is very important.
snugs69 · 03/07/2021 08:30

Check deleted emails junk etc for any old messages

maddening · 03/07/2021 08:32

If you can get in to his account and see what activity is there and give you a timeline that would be useful.

Would he have had the opportunity to act.on it such as meeting other people or couples?

Are the dc his only? Do you have shared dc?

Prosperhigh · 03/07/2021 08:33

Yes do what @Fuckitfuckit said!

I’ve been there op and it hurts ……ALOT. I’ve no advice for you but I’m sorry you are going through such a betrayal, him denying it just makes it worse because you know it’s true and it’s SO frustrating dealing with a liar. Stay strong.

Janaih · 03/07/2021 08:34

I used to work for an adult dating site and men like your husband were not uncommon.
You have the proof. He will never admit it though, even if you logged onto his account and showed him his messages. He'll say it was his mates messing about or something. Such men are pathological liars incapable of the truth.
They will always always do it again. Deny it again. And so on...

JupiterWeb · 03/07/2021 08:50

So you can delete your account or hide your account. The hiding account gives the appearance of it being deleted, or he could of just blocked the account you made.

Original poster
Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 08:54

This chat has moved to relationships and don’t know how to find it ?? Thanks

OP posts:
FijiCavanaugh · 03/07/2021 08:57

He clearly has zero respect for you or he wouldn't lie like this. Really sorry OP.

Original poster
Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 08:58

He’s definitely had a site as used his email address but link for new password goes to his phone with fingerprint to open it

OP posts:
Movinghouseatlast · 03/07/2021 08:58

Click on Talk then it will show a list of the boards. One is Body and Soul, Relationships is part of that.

Or click on 'I'm On.'

Original poster
Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 08:59

Is there any way he could not be on the site and was just looking at porn ? He admits looking at porn but not to being on the site

OP posts:
blissfulllife · 03/07/2021 09:03

Like others have said you've got the proof. You don't need him to admit it. He will deny deny deny till he's blue in the face simply because he knows you NEED him to admit for your peace of mind.

I've been in a similar situation in the past and I just told the person that I knew he was lying and I was actually embarrassed for them at their attempts at lying to cover their arse. That if they were truthful then we'd have a better chance of working through it. Then walked away and left them to think about that. Went to stay with a relative for a few days.