Found out my GF is still in touch with her ex. How do a approach this?

[StevenZ]

Hi all

I (M47) am in a relationship with my girlfriend (F29) for about five months now. We're very much in love (she was the one initiating the relationship btw if that matters) and things are pretty serious between us. However, she sometimes wonders if she enjoyed her 'single' life enough (she's been single for two years since her last serious relationship, but one year feels kind of gone to her due to covid, meaning no festivals, parties, travels etc). I asked her a couple of times if she wouldn't like to be single a bit more and that would be ok, but she insist on having a serious relationship with me.

So things are great, but sexually things started out very slow. The first three months it was a lot of hugging and kissing but she wouldn't respond or initiate anything further. Which is ok, I would never rush anything with anyone. But after four months I asked her if there maybe was a reason for this. I asked if she maybe wasn't that attracted to me physically? No that wasn't it. Maybe she had an unpleasant experience in the past? No, also not. Is there maybe still someone else on your mind? No not at all.

Eventually our sexlife became a bit better, but she would still sometimes be either totally not in the mood, even after a romantic day/evening, or would completely switch "off" during sex. Stating that all of a sudden she wasn't horny anymore. I found this pretty confusing. She gave fear of commitment/abandonment as a reason and that she usually is very slow opening up sexually in a new relation. But she did used to have one-night-stands or bootycalls with guys when she was single, but that was easier because she would then always be under influence of alcohol or drugs. It almost feels like she has a problem having sex 'sober' or to develop a healthy intimate relationship within a relationship.

And although for me physical intimacy is also an important part in a serious relationship, I still try to be patient and understanding. And besides that we're having a great time.

Unfortunately I found out by accident in her phone that she is still regularly in touch with her most recent "flirt". A guy she has been having casual sex with on/off in about a 10 month period, ending two months before we got together. After some investigation I found out they met at least twice, they send each other heart emojis under pictures on social media, and he calls her sweetie in chats. He also sent her a message at 02:00am asking if she's still awake. They talk as if they are sharing a lot about their daily lives, meet for a coffee etc.

When I confronted her she denied at first and then said she didn't say anything because I would only start asking questions and it wasn't nice for me to talk about someone she had been sleeping with. Then came all the cliche's: I don't want anything with him anymore, he's just a friend, that's just how we communicate, he knows I'm with you now etc. I found out she then immediately send a voice-note to him telling that her boyfriend had been super angry that they had met and that I didn't believe it was pure friendly between them. Ending with a sarcastic "yes really nice.. a relationship!". He replied: "Oh I didn't know you were actually in a relationship with him".

This was four months into us being together.

Since our first conversation with all her cliche excuses, I feel I won't get any real answers from her anymore. She gets defensive and turns it around saying that I'm making a too big of a deal out of this. She also denies that our 'strange' sex-life has anything to do with this. (Something that came to mind with me as well of course).

I decided we should take a two week break to think things over.

After two days she sent me a postcard saying that she's incredibly sorry for what happened and that she had no idea that her actions had made me feel so bad. And that she hopes we can work this out because she's very much in love with me and really wants our relationship to continue.

What do I do now!??!?

I have a feeling further discussions about this issue will be pointless and create more stress. I do like her a lot and wish things could return to normal and we live happily ever after.

Or is the combination of her doubt of not having been single long enough (still longs for parties, meeting new people, experimenting etc), our difficult sex-life, and lying about staying close with a recent fuckbuddy enough red flags to just put and end to the relationship?

Is this all becasue of our age difference and being in different life-phases and/or having different values?

I don't know anymore what I should do.

Any advice from an outsider would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance

I don't know if I'm missing something but to me it sounds like a mountain out of a mole hill.Though tbf I don't know if I'd be happy about her meeting him still. That seems a bit inappropriate right enough.

The sex thing...plenty of people take a few months to want to sleep with ppl so it's not exactly weird. Maybe you aren't compatable in the bedroom though? Is it possible you are rushing into the sex part (skipping the foreplay ect)? Its common to lose interest if we feel the guy is only interested in the destination, instead of the journey.

Hi @Umberellatheweatha thanks for your answer.

Yes maybe I am seeing ghosts here, thanks for reminding ;)

As for the sex, nope like I said there's hours of foreplay hugging kissing touching etc. I'd do anything to make her feel at ease and never rush anything. It's just that up to now in all my previous relationships there's lots of sex in the beginning, maybe that's why I'm a bit confused.

Thanks again.

OP, from your description, I actually think she's been very inconsiderate towards you and incredibly disrespectful. That's in relation to the ex she's in contact with and the things she's said to him. How she is about your sex life is harder to comment on, but whatever is going on there, I don't think you sound very compatible. It does sound like you've been very nice about it and tried to be understanding, but without knowing exactly what happens in the bedroom, no one here can really tell you why things are how they are.
I do wonder whether with the age difference and the fact she's found guys for hook ups and booty calls, she might think it's easy for her to find men if she wants to, so she's not showing much respect towards you.
I'm sure others here will disagree with me, but if I were you, I wouldn't put up with the disrespectful behaviour and I would not try to rekindle this relationship.

Hi @DK123, yes I also feel it's inconsiderate and disrespectful to do things like that behind my back. The problem is any discussion will lead to defensiveness and possibly a fight.

Now that we are having a little 'break', she apologizes and really wants to do anything to make our relationship work. Do you think all of a sudden I've become attractive to her again now that I reject her a little? She has a history of dating narcissitic type guys, who keep her on a leach, she finds that very attractive she told me. Probably because her father emotionally neglected her in her youth.

But if I understand correctly you think her apologies are not enough to just call this quits? I'm having a hard time judging if she's very mean, or very naive...

Thanks for your reply

I don't understand why you would be with someone so much younger than you! She could be your kid.

I think spending a bit more time apart may be beneficial for both of you. I'm not sure you should be putting up with the disrespect. What are the good things in your relationship? Is it worth all the effort?

I totally disagree with earlier responses - I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She’s allowed to be friends with a bloke, message him, meet up with him - she doesn’t owe you an apology for any of that! “Sweetie” is not necessarily a big deal if it’s part of her vernacular (I call everybody darling, love, bab etc). . Neither is putting a heart under somebody’s pics - in fact, if that’s now a moral crime, a lot of people stand convicted!

You on the other hand sound deeply concerning. You have clearly stalked her phone and continue to do so (how do you know what she sent to this guy after your conversation). Her privacy is her own - leave her alone, and stop trying to control who she talks to and what she does! If a man had done to me what you have done - invaded my privacy like that and then demanded an apology for my having a friend - and all this after only a few months too - I wouldn’t go near him every again. But she’s young and inexperienced I guess and presumably all confused now by the way you have acted, your imposition of a break etc - it’s easy to be made to lose sight of what’s actually right and wrong in some relationship dynamics…..

I certainly don’t think you should get back together with her. But not for the reasons you think.

As for the sex, just sounds like she doesn’t find it that great. Maybe she’s got a lower libido, or maybe she doesn’t find you physically attractive, or the way you do sex doesn’t work for her. Or maybe (what appears to be from reading this) your intrusive, possessive nature shows through in other aspects of your behaviour and she finds it a turn-off…..

I think if anyone, male or female, is having this much difficulty within only the first few months then the relationship isn’t right for them.

I don’t think any of us are in a position to comment on your sex life and perhaps, if that was all that was “wrong” here then it would be worth trying to save.

But it’s a HUGE red flag that she’s still in close contact with a recent hook up (and kept it secret), particularly as she’s not been transparent with him either - evidenced by his comment about not knowing you and she were going out. I doubt she’d be any happier were your positions reversed, so her reasons for secrecy are absolute BS.

Move on. Maybe find someone closer to your own age who (hopefully) won’t still have doubts about whether they’ve played the field enough.

You complained after 3 months that she wasn't shagging you to your standard, 'accidently' looked at her phone and discovered she met a friend twice, investigated all her interactions with him, and now think "treat her mean, keep her keen" is a good idea?

Move on, for her sake. It's been 5 months, it shouldn't be this much work.

You're nearly 50, find someone age appropriate and chill out next time.

At your age you should be wise enough to know this isn't working. It shouldn't be this hard 4 months in. Move on.

@Sakurami

I don't understand why you would be with someone so much younger than you! She could be your kid.

She's a grown adult.

You definitely don't sound compatible...
For future reference, going through people's phones is not acceptable!
You've only known this woman as few months, yet you are behaving like she's your 'property'. This is NEVER ok. If you haven't learned this at 47 that is very concerning and maybe you should be alone.

You're 47 and have decided it's ok to 'investigate' her and snoop through her phone. Please leave her.

Your 'gf' wants different things to you, she's not into a sexual relationship with you and quite frankly I don't think a new relationship should have so many problems.

Just move on.

Incredible the number of people jumping on you for being upset about her lying about/hiding her friendship with an old flame. If this was her posting that you were still in touch with an old fuck buddy there'd be uproar.

She's disrespected and lied to you and you're not sexually or emotionally compatible. She's not ready to settle down yet - that's clear to me.

I'd call time on the relationship.

You're a bit of a dick for looking through her phone and blaming her 'daddy issues' though.

I think it's possible she's just not that into you - it really is a very big age gap. Sorry, you sound very keen on her. That must hurt.

She's too young for you.

She's just not that into you, maybe she thought she wanted to settle down again but now you're heading down that road she's changing her mind. It is a significant age gap and means they're are deciding about her life she'll have to make quickly.
I'm all for friends of the opposite sex but she was sleeping with this guy recently and he's texting her at two am to see if she's awake (for obvious reasons).
Cut your losses.

*means there are decisions

Apart from everything else op, the fact that you can't discuss these issues as it turns into an argument is not a great foundation for any relationship.

I think you could probably find someone more suited to you who makes you happier than this

I'd think it's strange that she has a sex buddy but can't keep up a sex life with you...

I would leave for good

Whatever the reasons behind various things, its clear this relationship just isn't working. WAY too much angst! Thing should be so easy at this stage. Split up, and maybe make sure the next girlfriend closer to you in age.

It sounds like to me that your gf is at the stage where she thinks she wants a serious relationship but she feels that she is missing out. Head and heart stuff. You are probably a good catch and her head is telling her to make a go of it. It may be that with time apart, she has realised how important you are to her.

But, if it is this much hard work so early on, this is not a great start. I think you are at different life stages and it would be wise to cut your losses. I would be most concerned that you can't raise such issues without it causing defensiveness and arguments. That's not a good basis for moving forward.

I agree with CagneyNYPD above, who has expressed what I thought.

Good luck.

‘I want advice because my gf is talking to an ex.’

And then the sex/foreplay/fuckbuddy stuff gets walloped in. In a disparaging way to boot.

Also the ubiquitous ‘things are great/very much in love and then she is coming out with cliches/is mean/disrespectful/inconsiderate’ all of a sudden.

Throw in mn bingo and voila.

Sorry ‘sweetie’. As much of a story as we are getting, I’m struggling.

47? You sound like an arsey teen.