Found out my GF is still in touch with her ex. How do a approach this?

[StevenZ]

Hi all

I (M47) am in a relationship with my girlfriend (F29) for about five months now. We're very much in love (she was the one initiating the relationship btw if that matters) and things are pretty serious between us. However, she sometimes wonders if she enjoyed her 'single' life enough (she's been single for two years since her last serious relationship, but one year feels kind of gone to her due to covid, meaning no festivals, parties, travels etc). I asked her a couple of times if she wouldn't like to be single a bit more and that would be ok, but she insist on having a serious relationship with me.

So things are great, but sexually things started out very slow. The first three months it was a lot of hugging and kissing but she wouldn't respond or initiate anything further. Which is ok, I would never rush anything with anyone. But after four months I asked her if there maybe was a reason for this. I asked if she maybe wasn't that attracted to me physically? No that wasn't it. Maybe she had an unpleasant experience in the past? No, also not. Is there maybe still someone else on your mind? No not at all.

Eventually our sexlife became a bit better, but she would still sometimes be either totally not in the mood, even after a romantic day/evening, or would completely switch "off" during sex. Stating that all of a sudden she wasn't horny anymore. I found this pretty confusing. She gave fear of commitment/abandonment as a reason and that she usually is very slow opening up sexually in a new relation. But she did used to have one-night-stands or bootycalls with guys when she was single, but that was easier because she would then always be under influence of alcohol or drugs. It almost feels like she has a problem having sex 'sober' or to develop a healthy intimate relationship within a relationship.

And although for me physical intimacy is also an important part in a serious relationship, I still try to be patient and understanding. And besides that we're having a great time.

Unfortunately I found out by accident in her phone that she is still regularly in touch with her most recent "flirt". A guy she has been having casual sex with on/off in about a 10 month period, ending two months before we got together. After some investigation I found out they met at least twice, they send each other heart emojis under pictures on social media, and he calls her sweetie in chats. He also sent her a message at 02:00am asking if she's still awake. They talk as if they are sharing a lot about their daily lives, meet for a coffee etc.

When I confronted her she denied at first and then said she didn't say anything because I would only start asking questions and it wasn't nice for me to talk about someone she had been sleeping with. Then came all the cliche's: I don't want anything with him anymore, he's just a friend, that's just how we communicate, he knows I'm with you now etc. I found out she then immediately send a voice-note to him telling that her boyfriend had been super angry that they had met and that I didn't believe it was pure friendly between them. Ending with a sarcastic "yes really nice.. a relationship!". He replied: "Oh I didn't know you were actually in a relationship with him".

This was four months into us being together.

Since our first conversation with all her cliche excuses, I feel I won't get any real answers from her anymore. She gets defensive and turns it around saying that I'm making a too big of a deal out of this. She also denies that our 'strange' sex-life has anything to do with this. (Something that came to mind with me as well of course).

I decided we should take a two week break to think things over.

After two days she sent me a postcard saying that she's incredibly sorry for what happened and that she had no idea that her actions had made me feel so bad. And that she hopes we can work this out because she's very much in love with me and really wants our relationship to continue.

What do I do now!??!?

I have a feeling further discussions about this issue will be pointless and create more stress. I do like her a lot and wish things could return to normal and we live happily ever after.

Or is the combination of her doubt of not having been single long enough (still longs for parties, meeting new people, experimenting etc), our difficult sex-life, and lying about staying close with a recent fuckbuddy enough red flags to just put and end to the relationship?

Is this all becasue of our age difference and being in different life-phases and/or having different values?

I don't know anymore what I should do.

Any advice from an outsider would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance

It’s only been 5 months… you should be at it like rabbits ex bf on the scene or not. Red flag.

Best to move on before wasting more energy

@Naunet

Incredible the number of people jumping on you for being upset about her lying about/hiding her friendship with an old flame. If this was her posting that you were still in touch with an old fuck buddy there'd be uproar

Any proof of this? So sick of women jumping to a man’s defence with ‘if this was the other way around there would be uproar’, whilst having no evidence of this what so ever.

She didn’t lie anyway, and no, new men don’t get to rock up and start dictating who his new girlfriend needs to cut out of her life..

There is literally a thread currently ongoing with a woman whose wife is doing the exact same thing and the responses are drastically different. Don't pretend otherwise...

The total violation of copying her chat history and going through it. I could understand if you had been together a decade and had kids/are married but its been 5 months.

Going through her messages and social media and questioning her about her actions is ridiculous and stifling.

Its clear she hasn't been honest, whether that's because she is cheating, or because you're overbearing is anyone's guess, but either way, if it's like this now, when it should be easy and fun and butterflies, can you imagine what it will be like in a year, or 5.

You seem to be hung up on the fact she chased you and still wants to be with you, like you're some passive part of this that just goes with what she wants.

Life is too short for this much angst. This is teenage behaviour. There is no trust, move on.

OP please don't waste your time on this one or let people make you feel bad about not being ok with her behaviour. It's completely ok to not be ok about someone flirting with an ex fuck buddy. I'd ditch a man who did this immediately. The way she was so secretive about who this guy was, changed the story several times, lied to you that she'd told him about you and then it became evident she hadn't are all massive red flags. She doesn't show you the respect any decent human being deserves and she doesn't sound ready for a relationship. it also comes over like she thinks she's the desirable one, she can mess you around and you'll still be there waiting. She's upset now because the power balance has tipped, but I'm certain that if you accept her "apology" and speeches about how she never realised she was taking you for granted and try again, you're going to be saying all the stuff you said in your original post all over again in a few months time.

So yes hearing all that again and not wanting to be taken for a fool another time, yes I picked up current gf's phone and copied the chat history with this guy to my email.

Not saying what she has done is right but this is well out of order and you need to leave this lady alone and move on.

Btw if it makes a difference, the recent ex she's still in touch with is also in his mid 40's.

No it doesn't. Move on.

We're very much in love

I don't think she is tbh and you don't trust her

“ Probably because her father emotionally neglected her in her youth.”

So you know this yet here you are at 47. Yet you suspect that it is her taking advantage of you.

But then four months into our "official" relationship I see she is tagged in a picture on a night out with girlfriends drinking + that guy. That night already felt a bit 'off' as it was also for the first time ever she stopped responding to my texts or calls

Do you usually keep bothering her on nights out then?

@pinkyredrose

But then four months into our "official" relationship I see she is tagged in a picture on a night out with girlfriends drinking + that guy. That night already felt a bit 'off' as it was also for the first time ever she stopped responding to my texts or calls

Do you usually keep bothering her on nights out then?

Nope not at all. It's just very common for us to send each other little updates or pictures what we're doing. If I'm out for dinner with a mate, Id take a selfie of us with the food saying so and so says hi. She would do the same. Hey babes having drinks with so and so having a great time miss you X. That kind of stuff. Even that day was filled with fun little texts and selfies of the group doing stuff, until it went silent in the evening until the next afternoon. Not a problem of course but in hindsight a bit odd/coincidence that was exactly when the ex showed up. That's all.

There is literally a thread currently ongoing with a woman whose wife is doing the exact same thing and the responses are drastically different. Don't pretend otherwise...

Notice how you said WIFE, not girlfriend of 4 months?

@Naunet so we should put up with being lied to and gaslighted in the early days of a relationship and only get upset by it once we've committed our whole lives to a person?

There is literally a thread currently ongoing with a woman whose wife is doing the exact same thing and the responses are drastically different. Don't pretend otherwise...

Just found the thread, it’s a man talking about his wife, so no reverse there. It’s also not even close to being the same situation.

[quote girlmom21]@Naunet so we should put up with being lied to and gaslighted in the early days of a relationship and only get upset by it once we've committed our whole lives to a person? [/quote]
Err no, but we shouldn’t think we get to start a new relationship with someone and then dictate who they need to cut off. We also don’t get to go through their phone to check for these Bad Contacts that need to be cut out, what we can do, is walk away.

@Naunet it's a woman talking about her wife being in contact with someone she kissed 3 years ago and had a physical attraction to. She stopped contact and now it's restarted and she lied and hid it.

This is a man whose girlfriend is doing the exact same but with another man rather than another woman. I really don't think the length of time they've been together is the issue, or the level of commitment in their relationship.

If you're hiding a friendship from your partner there's a reason for it, and it's never a good one.

[quote girlmom21]@Naunet it's a woman talking about her wife being in contact with someone she kissed 3 years ago and had a physical attraction to. She stopped contact and now it's restarted and she lied and hid it.

This is a man whose girlfriend is doing the exact same but with another man rather than another woman. I really don't think the length of time they've been together is the issue, or the level of commitment in their relationship.

If you're hiding a friendship from your partner there's a reason for it, and it's never a good one. [/quote]
Ahh ok, a different thread to the one I found, so I can’t comment on that.

Look, women are allowed to be friends with their ex’s, I also don’t think you need to disclose everything to a new partner. If the OP is not comfortable with her friendship with this guy and is already going through her phone, then he needs to move on. What he doesn’t get to do is try and police her friendships. They’ve just started dating, it’s not comparable to a marriage for me.

You talk about her ‘sleeping around’

You talk about her and her history with disdain.

You have no right to and yes, I stand by my earlier statement.

Her behaviour may be questionable in parts.

You would have me sewing myself shut and running for the hills.