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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband ignoring that I want to leave

60 replies

AshTreeandIvy · 02/07/2021 15:36

NC for this as his sisters are on here.

For a while now I have been telling DH that I want a divorce but he won’t discuss it all. Huge history of dodgy behaviour on his part pretty much from day one but interspersed with good bits so I stayed.

Truthfully I don’t think he’s ever loved me (30 years together). Sex died many years ago, all my fault obviously even though he obviously has ED that he won’t admit.

For around 20 years he’s refused to eat anything that I cook, I have no idea why. He only really speaks to me when he wants something done or when other people are around to see how lovely he is to me. We got married because our solicitor advised us to for financial reasons. I should NEVER have agreed to that because most of it was mine.

Anyway, bottom line is that I should have run years ago but I didn’t..he always seems to know exactly when to put the bait out to keep me here…and yes, I was scared of him.

This morning we had a big blow up. I told him again that I want a divorce. He said that the best thing I could do was go for a walk with him and talk….sounds reasonable huh?

We walked for a bit while he ‘listened’ (ignored me). I got it all out, had a bit of a cry, he didn’t interrupt- he didn’t speak at all. Then he had his turn to talk; he didn’t mention anything about how unhappy I am, how much I want to get away…no, he told me at great length that he never says anything that he intends to be bad or mean or nasty….no, it’s just the way that I interpret it!!! He now considers the matter closed and I am ‘crazy’.

I’m in my late 60’s now and I absolutely can’t live potentially another 20 years of this. He can’t even be bothered to pretend to care about me anymore, all he cares about is the house, the car and the money (some of which is his inherited from his parents). He won’t even acknowledge that I’ve paid for us to live for 30 years (he’s king of the cocklodgers).

I hate him. I hate him as much as I once loved him. I’m terrified of the process of divorce and leaving because he’s going to make my life hell and I’m just too old for all this shit 😪. I don’t even know where to begin.

I know I’ve been an idiot to put up with it and it would have been much easier to escape years ago does anyone have any words of wisdom on how to get through this please 🙏

OP posts:
Mytym · 02/07/2021 15:40

All I can say is yes it will be hard but once you're out of it you won't look back. This time next year things will be entirely different. You'll be living the life you want to live.

username18702 · 02/07/2021 15:40

OP your life is just going to continue like this until you take steps to change it. He's obviously happy spending your cash and keeping his foot on your head to keep you down. He let you get it all out, gaslit you and wants to carry on because this life suits him very well.

I would get legal advice.
Get all financial documents (wages/pension/investments/ISA/mortgage etc) for your solicitor's appointment.

I would divorce OP unless you want to live out the rest of your days like this.

Taffydog · 02/07/2021 15:41

I’m so happy you are going to have a better future. At least you won’t have young kids he can use as pawns against you. He gets no choice about a divorce. I’d get a couple of appointments with different solicitors and get going from there. I bet it seems so overwhelming but all you need to do is start with that and they’ll guide you. You can do it - you will have a happy and free life and no doubt he’ll sit there full of bitter Ryan’s resentment as won’t acknowledge any wrongdoing!

Taffydog · 02/07/2021 15:41

Bitterness that should read sorry

Scoobysdoo · 02/07/2021 15:45

What's your position financially and house wise?

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 02/07/2021 15:46

...just leave. You aren't financially dependent, you don't have young DC, you literally have no reason to stay.

He will never say "OK, let's divorce" and you don't need him to. You see a lawyer, you tell him it's over, you start the legal process of divorce.

Notaroadrunner · 02/07/2021 15:46

See a solicitor asap and take it from there. See what you are entitled to. Are you willing to leave the house? Can he afford to buy you out? If not then it's best to sell up and go your separate ways. In any case just make a start on separation. Don't do a single thing for him in the house. Wash your clothes, ignore his. Start going out with your friends, stop going out with him as a couple. No need to put on a show for anyone else.
Do you have kids? If so I'm sure they are aware that there's no love lost between you. Hopefully they will be supportive of the split.

Horehound · 02/07/2021 15:48

You don't need him to agree. Find a place to go. Contact solicitors and get the ball rolling.
It sounds hellish and you are so right to divorce him.
Be strong!!

thisplaceisweird · 02/07/2021 15:49

You don't need his permission. Go to a solicitor and get out.

BeBloodyBold · 02/07/2021 15:49

I think I'm your position I'd get my ducks in a row, see a lawyer, work through your finances and make a plan to move out.

I suspect he'd try to sabotage you if you did it in any other way.

Do you have a friend you can confide in? You're going to need emotional support - although there's always MN Wink

gamerchick · 02/07/2021 15:59

Make an appointment with a solicitor and see where the land lies. I think after that you'll find the strength.

BerylReader · 02/07/2021 16:11

My friends in her seventies and is getting divorced. She says even if she died in a year it would be a year without him. Do it

Umberellatheweatha · 02/07/2021 16:24

If you want a divorce then go get one. It diesnt have to be a mutual decision. He doesn't want one so why are you expecting anything from him? Ho speak to a lawyer, siet the housing situation out ect...just get on with it. Stop trying to have a convo about it. If I were him and you kept saying you wanted a divorce but then taking no action whatsoever,I would think you were just using dramatics to get some sort of reaction.

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/07/2021 16:27

DAunty was in her 80's when she divorced. Do it now and save yourself 20 more years of misery.

Bananalanacake · 02/07/2021 16:27

When you say king of the cocklodgers do you mean he doesn't work. Did he work when you first met him, does he have a good reason not to work. A man who doesn't work is a lazy shit. You don't need permission to divorce.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 02/07/2021 16:29

@thisplaceisweird

You don't need his permission. Go to a solicitor and get out.
This. 100 times this.
Tiger2018 · 02/07/2021 16:29

I didn't know where to start either - I called a solicitor and they were amazing at guiding me through it. But first we separated - getting myself living separately gave me the space to address the rest.

Thats what I'd do in your position.

It doesn't matter about the house, the car, the money if you aren't happy.

For yourself, get together a rent deposit or go and live with a trusted friend or family first, then address the rest.

At the time of my separation a dear friend said to me - bravery comes in increments - you can do this, one step at a time.

Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 02/07/2021 16:36

That’s unanimous! Thank you everyone 😊

@Scoobysdoo. The house was my Mothers which I inherited, we now own it as ‘tenants in common’ (or something like that). Our savings are a jointly held 3 year bond, an ISA each - his is larger than mine as I pay tax and he doesn’t….plus a small joint regular saving account.

My income is my State pension and a Work Pension. His income is currently Zero and that isn’t likely to change, he has over 2 years until State Pension and that will be reduced as he doesn’t have full contributions 🙄.

@BerylReader. Brilliant to hear about your friend…I do feel the same, even a year of freedom from him will be worth it 😃

OP posts:
66babe · 02/07/2021 16:40

I usually read the whole thread so apologies if this has been suggested already .. but I can't stop myself !

You do not need his permission
Leave him and find happiness
Today

Of course ensure your finances and assets are safe and fair but

Please do not spend another night under the same roof as this man

It's your turn now

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 02/07/2021 16:41

Seriously, the only power over you this man has is the power you give him. Once you move out you never have to speak to him again. Your solicitor can deal with him. If he tries to force you to speak to him after that, that's where you get to report him to the police for harassment.

Call a solicitor now and make an appointment. That's all you have to do for now.

B00k0ftheday5 · 02/07/2021 16:44

You don't need his permission !

Find a family solicitor, apply for divorce this week

If you want to get away, book a hotel or a holiday or visit a friend

You need to get the ball rolling

Action, not talk

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2021 16:48

Action, not talk

^^ This! Tbh I'd be pretty confused if my husband kept saying he wanted a divorce but then did nothing about it.

Noshowlomo · 02/07/2021 16:48

What would he be entitled to in the divorce.. or each of you for that matter?

And yes... run!

Micemakingclothes · 02/07/2021 16:50

If you want a divorce, you have to stop trying to make it happen as a team. You won’t be partners in this. Find a solicitor and get real advice on how to handle physically separating the house and money given your particular circumstances and goals. It’s a long marriage and both of you will be entitled to a fair distribution of assets. The easiest for making this quick is if you are willing to leave the current home behind and just go rent yourself a flat for now, but speak to a solicitor first. Do it quietly. Don’t tell him anything yet. Explore the legalities first before things get emotional. That way when you tell him you are done you can implement your plan quickly and calmly. The logistics are a hassle, but they can be managed.

Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 02/07/2021 16:51

@Tiger2018

I didn't know where to start either - I called a solicitor and they were amazing at guiding me through it. But first we separated - getting myself living separately gave me the space to address the rest.

Thats what I'd do in your position.

It doesn't matter about the house, the car, the money if you aren't happy.

For yourself, get together a rent deposit or go and live with a trusted friend or family first, then address the rest.

At the time of my separation a dear friend said to me - bravery comes in increments - you can do this, one step at a time.

Unbelievable I know but I’d not actually thought of just moving out! It never even occurred to me……

That is a great place to start. Thank you so much @Tiger2018, I feel a right twit for not thinking of such an obvious move..

@Umberellatheweatha Wise words. I’ve said it twice now, I’m not going to say it a third time.

@Bananalanacake He is a lazy shit. He’s worked occasionally but by no means regularly. The word I use in my head is ‘parasite’.

Love hearing about these older ladies that have done it..gives me more resolve. I have felt that I’m too old for all this!

OP posts: