Husband ignoring that I want to leave

[AshTreeandIvy]

NC for this as his sisters are on here.

For a while now I have been telling DH that I want a divorce but he won’t discuss it all. Huge history of dodgy behaviour on his part pretty much from day one but interspersed with good bits so I stayed.

Truthfully I don’t think he’s ever loved me (30 years together). Sex died many years ago, all my fault obviously even though he obviously has ED that he won’t admit.

For around 20 years he’s refused to eat anything that I cook, I have no idea why. He only really speaks to me when he wants something done or when other people are around to see how lovely he is to me. We got married because our solicitor advised us to for financial reasons. I should NEVER have agreed to that because most of it was mine.

Anyway, bottom line is that I should have run years ago but I didn’t..he always seems to know exactly when to put the bait out to keep me here…and yes, I was scared of him.

This morning we had a big blow up. I told him again that I want a divorce. He said that the best thing I could do was go for a walk with him and talk….sounds reasonable huh?

We walked for a bit while he ‘listened’ (ignored me). I got it all out, had a bit of a cry, he didn’t interrupt- he didn’t speak at all. Then he had his turn to talk; he didn’t mention anything about how unhappy I am, how much I want to get away…no, he told me at great length that he never says anything that he intends to be bad or mean or nasty….no, it’s just the way that I interpret it!!! He now considers the matter closed and I am ‘crazy’.

I’m in my late 60’s now and I absolutely can’t live potentially another 20 years of this. He can’t even be bothered to pretend to care about me anymore, all he cares about is the house, the car and the money (some of which is his inherited from his parents). He won’t even acknowledge that I’ve paid for us to live for 30 years (he’s king of the cocklodgers).

I hate him. I hate him as much as I once loved him. I’m terrified of the process of divorce and leaving because he’s going to make my life hell and I’m just too old for all this shit 😪. I don’t even know where to begin.

I know I’ve been an idiot to put up with it and it would have been much easier to escape years ago does anyone have any words of wisdom on how to get through this please 🙏

@Sunshinegirl82

Is the house worth enough that if you sold it you could each buy your own place outright? What is your pension worth?

The house wouldn’t buy 2 dwellings in this area….I think it’d fetch around 300k.

My pensions together are around 2k a month which would be plenty for my needs … as long as I don’t have to give him any!!

Do you have a CETV for your pension?

Unfortunately pension is an asset that would need to be split equitably.

However if you remained with him you would be sharing your pension by funding him anyway!

You might be able to get details of his state pension entitlement as you'll know his NI number. That would be useful to have.

A pension sharing order is likely but start with CETV and what annuity predictions you have.

You are still young enough to rebuild your life so don't think it's too late...it never is

I think he's going to make your life hell for either the duration of your divorce or for the rest of your life. Whichever you choose.

I think this of my own mum who is still married to my idiot father. She has been married to him for 30+ years. I know it's easy for me to say this but I always think what a waste of a life. As you age I'd have thought life became even more precious. Get out there OP find the shit hot divorce lawyer. Go get the life you deserve. Scare him back. He thinks you're all talk. Not this time. And don't discuss it with him. There's nothing to discuss. Let him speak to your solicitor. It is your choice. Your decision. Saying he needs to agree to it is saying otherwise.
You can do this OP. It's not about sex or love anymore it's about being dragged down by a man who you hate for the rest of your life if you don't sort this out! Good luck

What has he done with his inheritance- has he spent any of it on things for both of you? Put it into the family pot etc?

If not it may be ring fenced from being a marital asset however it would count as money he can use to help rehouse himself.

I have no wisdom but just wanted to come on and say well done on taking that first step. Good luck with your appointment when you get it

I too left my exH after 30 years of marriage; I was in my late 50s and it suddenly dawned on me that if I lived till my late 80s (as my mother did) I would have another 30 years to go!!

Imo, the most difficult part is making the decision to go; once you have decided, just keep moving steadily forward one small step at a time.

The really important thing is to find a solicitor who you trust, don't feel that you have to go with the first one you see.

Good luck - you can and will do this!

Please don’t move out, you need to see if you can force a sale/buy him out, don’t just go, you might have a real issue getting rid of him.

I don't have any wisdom to add, but I was so impressed by your resolve to change your life, OP. Good for you, I wish you all the luck in the world for a quick divorce and a new start

Kick him out... you stay OP 🌸

Start the divorce process

Spend less time at home, do some hobbies outside the home