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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband ignoring that I want to leave

60 replies

AshTreeandIvy · 02/07/2021 15:36

NC for this as his sisters are on here.

For a while now I have been telling DH that I want a divorce but he won’t discuss it all. Huge history of dodgy behaviour on his part pretty much from day one but interspersed with good bits so I stayed.

Truthfully I don’t think he’s ever loved me (30 years together). Sex died many years ago, all my fault obviously even though he obviously has ED that he won’t admit.

For around 20 years he’s refused to eat anything that I cook, I have no idea why. He only really speaks to me when he wants something done or when other people are around to see how lovely he is to me. We got married because our solicitor advised us to for financial reasons. I should NEVER have agreed to that because most of it was mine.

Anyway, bottom line is that I should have run years ago but I didn’t..he always seems to know exactly when to put the bait out to keep me here…and yes, I was scared of him.

This morning we had a big blow up. I told him again that I want a divorce. He said that the best thing I could do was go for a walk with him and talk….sounds reasonable huh?

We walked for a bit while he ‘listened’ (ignored me). I got it all out, had a bit of a cry, he didn’t interrupt- he didn’t speak at all. Then he had his turn to talk; he didn’t mention anything about how unhappy I am, how much I want to get away…no, he told me at great length that he never says anything that he intends to be bad or mean or nasty….no, it’s just the way that I interpret it!!! He now considers the matter closed and I am ‘crazy’.

I’m in my late 60’s now and I absolutely can’t live potentially another 20 years of this. He can’t even be bothered to pretend to care about me anymore, all he cares about is the house, the car and the money (some of which is his inherited from his parents). He won’t even acknowledge that I’ve paid for us to live for 30 years (he’s king of the cocklodgers).

I hate him. I hate him as much as I once loved him. I’m terrified of the process of divorce and leaving because he’s going to make my life hell and I’m just too old for all this shit 😪. I don’t even know where to begin.

I know I’ve been an idiot to put up with it and it would have been much easier to escape years ago does anyone have any words of wisdom on how to get through this please 🙏

OP posts:
Scoobysdoo · 02/07/2021 16:51

In that case make an appointment to see a solicitor on your own and get the ball rolling. He doesn't have to agree or even know about it at this stage. You need to have a think about division of assets and how you could buy him out of the house.

Start getting your plan in place and then when you are ready you can try to have a final talk with him to get through to him and let him know what is happening. If he still refuses to listen then you serve him with legal papers and he will have to face the reality of what's happening.

pointythings · 02/07/2021 16:53

Just start the divorce! Yes, you will take a financial hit, but there are no children (so no maintenance) and even if you have to sell the house, the equity will let you rent somewhere nice to live. You can still have many happy, fun years to do what the hell you want so go out there and get them!

willowmelangell · 02/07/2021 16:55

20 years x 365 days is 7300 days.
Stop funding the cocklodger.
He is a habit not a partner.
Live your life.
xx

Micemakingclothes · 02/07/2021 16:59

I told my XH multiple times over the course of a year that I felt we were heading towards a divorce. I said things like “if you do x I will divorce you” and “I don’t think our marriage is going to survive the next 6 months”

He still claims to have been absolutely blind-sided by announcement that I was leaving him.

PickAChew · 02/07/2021 17:01

Don't keep discussing it. You don't need his agreement to leave him. You just need to crack on with it, yourself.

RandomMess · 02/07/2021 17:02

Just serve the divorce papers and start living your new life now.

Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 02/07/2021 17:03

You’re all so right. He’s messed my head up for years and I’ve gone from being a strong, feisty, independent type to being a complete doormat.

I can’t say that today has been my first epiphany but it’s been my last. He’s a manipulative nasty pig. I know he’ll pull every trick to get me to stay or to come back because without me he has nobody. But I’ve given him 30 years, he’s not getting any more.

I’ve only had experience of an amicable divorce with no joint assets so untangling this seems like a nightmare to me, but really it isn’t if I stop considering his ‘needs’.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/07/2021 17:05

He has his inheritance to live off! He's an adult he can look after himself 🤷🏽‍♀️

Flobbertybillop · 02/07/2021 17:12

If you move out and leave him in the shared house, it could potentially be hell to get him out.

Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 02/07/2021 17:20

First tiny step completed. I have sent a message to a local Family Solicitor requesting an initial 45 minute appointment.

I won’t get a reply until Monday but it’s a tiny little beginning.

I feel so brave!!

OP posts:
66babe · 02/07/2021 17:21

Go you ! First step to a happier life for you ! 💐

Noshowlomo · 02/07/2021 17:23

Well done @AshTreeandIvy !!

girl71 · 02/07/2021 17:23

Just see a solicitor now and start the legal process. Do not waste anymore valuable time. It could take a while to sort all this out and free yourself. The sooner you start, the sooner you will be living your new best life.

Don't move out. That was yr mums hse, stay put. Let the legal eagles guide and advise you. Stay focused on your new future life OP. He is ignoring you now but he will hear you roar!!!

Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 02/07/2021 17:26

@Flobbertybillop

If you move out and leave him in the shared house, it could potentially be hell to get him out.
I shall make a note of that to ask the Solicitor. I hadn’t thought of that.

My gut feeling at the moment is that freedom is worth more to me than the house!, although I would miss my garden.

I don’t know how safe I’d feel living here with him once he knows what’s going on though.

OP posts:
B00k0ftheday5 · 02/07/2021 17:28

Well done, you have started the divorce process

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 02/07/2021 17:31

Well done!

Take all your questions to the sol. They can advise you on how to proceed. If you are genuinely concerned for your safety during the process, you can also talk to the police and Women's Aid.

No one - no one - has the right to hurt you or make you live in fear. Divorcing someone for being a shitbag does not give them that right.

PermanentTemporary · 02/07/2021 17:31

I can see that you're moving on through this thread. Good.

It sounds like you're waiting for him to give you permission to leave or divorce. That's not going to happen because he doesn't want it to happen. He's never going to be the one to do it. You have to. It feels very hard to have to do that but once you have... it gets easier. You just have to take on that you're not an angel, you're not always right, you're not the one who gets to be on their own unless you decide to do it. Don't be a passive person in the queue for your own life.

RandomMess · 02/07/2021 17:33

Well if he kicks off and threatens you call the police!! If he gets arrested or abusive carries on then get a non-molestation order and he'll be the one leaving!

Gilda152 · 02/07/2021 17:39

It is hugely common for men to not take threats of divorce or leaving seriously and truthfully as one PP said it's because they'll assume (rightly, until it isn't) that it's just talk.

I learned when I left an ex that even though I was buying things for a new house away from him and storing these in plain sight in front of his face in the living room - kitchen utensils/crockery/bedding and the like - he was still 'blindsided' that I was actually going to leave Confused . The only thing to do is start taking action and sooner or later the penny will actually drop!!

Go live the life you've earned , it's time Wine

Aprilinspringtimeshower · 02/07/2021 17:44

I’ve just got my decree absolute 2 days ago. I only asked my husband for a seperation on 10th March. 4 months. Divorce as a process is simple and quick if you can claim unreasonable behaviour legitimately.
It comes down then to the financial split and who moves when and where. You are going to need to accept a rough 50:50 in assets and then took me a while to reconcile- after that it became simple and we spent less than £2000 on legal fees between us
In less than 4 months since I asked for seperation we sold our family home and I moved into my new little house 3 weeks ago. House buying/selling process was far more stressful.
I was married for 30 years sadly. It took a long time to get to the place of asking to split.
It is still very early days, but I know it was the right decision even if I am still adjusting . If you know it is what you need to do, do it. Get financial statements then see solicitors. Tiptoe and compromise with your stbex to get an amicable agreement preferably.
Good luck

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 17:57

I'm rooting for you AshTree
I don’t know how safe I’d feel living here with him once he knows what’s going on though
in that case maybe use the mushroom strategy (keep him in the dark and feed him manure)

SamusIsAGirl · 02/07/2021 17:59

Are you looking at rentals if you aren't yet ready to buy? I bet he won't notice if you only move essentials out first. It will mean you have a place to go to if he does turn nasty.

Sunshinegirl82 · 02/07/2021 18:16

Is the house worth enough that if you sold it you could each buy your own place outright? What is your pension worth?

Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 02/07/2021 18:18

@Aprilinspringtimeshower

I’ve just got my decree absolute 2 days ago. I only asked my husband for a seperation on 10th March. 4 months. Divorce as a process is simple and quick if you can claim unreasonable behaviour legitimately. It comes down then to the financial split and who moves when and where. You are going to need to accept a rough 50:50 in assets and then took me a while to reconcile- after that it became simple and we spent less than £2000 on legal fees between us In less than 4 months since I asked for seperation we sold our family home and I moved into my new little house 3 weeks ago. House buying/selling process was far more stressful. I was married for 30 years sadly. It took a long time to get to the place of asking to split. It is still very early days, but I know it was the right decision even if I am still adjusting . If you know it is what you need to do, do it. Get financial statements then see solicitors. Tiptoe and compromise with your stbex to get an amicable agreement preferably. Good luck
Great news! Congratulations *@Aprilinspringtimeshower* 💐

30 years for me too…it’s a big break to make but if I leave it any longer I’ll never do it!

I’m so glad it’s all worked out well for you 😊

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 02/07/2021 18:22

Well done on making the first step Flowers.

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