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Original poster

I don't want to have an abortion

61 replies

Keepingitmum · 02/07/2021 07:52

Hi all, I'm completely new here so I'm sorry if this isn't the correct place to post this. I'll try and keep this short.

I've just found out I am pregnant with baby 3, when I did the test my partner was straight away in a bad mood, took himself outside and practically didn't speak to me or come near me as I cried. Moving on to the next day, that evening we spoke and he mentioned that if we keep this baby it'll put him in an early grave, and he thinks that our 2 children will miss out on so much due to finances having to be a bit tighter. He feels like we are still young and "he is just getting his life back" after our previous 2 children. So he doesn't see any good in why we should keep this baby, but he said ultimately it's my decision.

Then the next day, he again is telling me how he doesn't want it and I said I couldn't live with myself if I was to have an abortion, he said he doesn't want to force me Into having one but it'll be the end of us if I keep this pregnancy, and he will resent me forever. I said I'd resent him for making me have an abortion and he said that was an "a hole" thing to say, but I'm just trying to be honest with him. Last night I decided to book in for the abortion, but I couldn't sleep with worry and stress I hate that I'm having to do this, but ultimately my life will be a misery for the next however many months/years if I keep this pregnancy. I'm so scared, I have no idea what to do. Sorry for the long rant, thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Fitforforty · 02/07/2021 07:59

I’m sorry you are in this is difficult situation. I think no matter what you decide your relationship is very probably over. You need to think about what you as a single Mum want to do.

If there anyone in real life to discuss it with?

It’s such a difficult decision. If you look into figures of who has abortion the largest group is women who already have children. It’s so tricky balancing everyone’s needs. Whatever you decided you don’t need to rush and be kind to yourself.

Lockeddown88 · 02/07/2021 08:02

As per above, whichever way you go, your relationship is likely doomed as one will always resent the other. You haven’t mentioned timeframes. Do you need to rush this decision?

MyOtherProfile · 02/07/2021 08:02

How dare he say that's an a hole thing to say when he already said the same thing to you?

Don't let him force you into something you don't want.

Please speak to some sympathetic person in real life.
But as pp said, I think this is the end of the relationship either way. Does he understand how babies are made? I really hope you have some good support xx

RandomMess · 02/07/2021 08:05

You have to decide if you would rather be a single parent of 3 DC than have an abortion.

It's a horrific choice but I can't see your relationship surviving either way.

Please get counselling urgently.

IndecentCakes · 02/07/2021 08:07

He sounds like a selfish bully. How dare he expect you to have an abortion because he couldn't be bothered to wear a condom, have a vasectomy or simply not have sex.

Don't have an abortion if you don't want to have one. It'll be OK.

Roselilly36 · 02/07/2021 08:09

How old are your other children OP? Do you think you could cope if you split? Do not be pressured into having an abortion, if it is not what you want. Personally I would not have an abortion in these circumstances, but you need to do what’s right for you OP. Good luck.

Northernlurker · 02/07/2021 08:14

You may or may not live with him for the rest of your life but the person you have to live with, every minute, is yourself. Do not do something you don't want . It will destroy your peace of mind and that's worth everything.
He will tell you are selfish, he will tell you your children will suffer. Neither are true.

Eggnoggoanngoanngoann · 02/07/2021 08:18

Dont have the abortion. U have already said you dont want to and you will be devastated if you go ahead and it wasnt your decision. Your husband is probably freaked out as this was unplanned and he cant get his head around it. As hes not carrying the baby he wont feel any emotional bond yet and can only see the negative implications, but once you have the baby, if thats what you decide, he will hopefully come round.
I dont know what your current relationship with your DH is, but you have touched on the fact that he may resent your decision, so it could be a long nine months. Either way someone is going to be unhappy but ultimately the choice is yours. Good luck Flowers

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 08:23

Sorry you're in this position OP.

Personally I think having an abortion that you don't actually want would haunt you for the rest of your life and you'd be forever impacted by it

I'm not condoning abortion in general, just in situations where the woman isn't 100% convinced it's what they want.

I reckon you'd get over leaving your arsehole husband quicker than you'd get over an unwanted abortion 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's worried that a 3rd child would impact the quality of life and standard of living if him and the 2 other DC? Does he not think a divorce, cost of 2 separate houses, devastated DC etc.
will be even more disruptive (and costly!)?

That's your choice tho as either way, I don't think you can stay together after this Flowers

BingBongToTheMoon · 02/07/2021 08:25

Of course he phoned the doctor and arranged his vasectomy didn’t he?
Cruel arsehole of a man.
Your relationship is already done. Either way one of you will be hurt, angry and resentful.

MarshmallowAra · 02/07/2021 08:30

Does he not think a divorce, cost of 2 separate houses, devastated DC etc.
will be even more disruptive (and costly!)?

Oh but he doesn't think op will do that ... He thinks he'll manipulate her into aborting their child. Early grave .... FFS.

These "men" ... This is every fortnight on here.

If you don't want more children,vise a fucking condom or get the snip!!!!!!

MarshmallowAra · 02/07/2021 08:32

And what's even more mind blowing I'd that these are not even casual, early, fwb etc relationships, these are marriages & ltr's they're pushing their wives & partners to abort within (if both partners agree that's one thing but that's not the case in these threads).

They are absolutely fkg disgusting individuals.

MarshmallowAra · 02/07/2021 08:35

Tell him your marriage is over and you'll tell everyone exactly why, what he wanted you to do .... Watch his face when he imagines other people knowing what he's like, what he'd happily do to his wife and potential child privately.

Sakurami · 02/07/2021 08:37

I know of someone who was pressured into an abortion because he said that it was either the baby or him. Her feelings for him changed and the marriage ended.

At the end of the day, you didn't make yourself pregnant on your own. If he was that adamant that there would be no more babies, then he should have been super careful.

MarshmallowAra · 02/07/2021 08:38

"Only just getting his life back ..."

That's the real reason he wants to abort a child he half created; the stuff about your other kids' standard of living is just self serving bullshit I think.

simplelife100 · 02/07/2021 08:40

He sounds like a c**t your better off with out him

HoppingPavlova · 02/07/2021 08:46

I’m not at all against abortion but in your case I’d be hesitant. It sounds as though either way your marriage is now essentially over so it really comes down to your preference of having an abortion and being single parent to two kids or not having g an abortion and being a single parent to three kids. That’s the reality.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/07/2021 08:48

The problem with having an abortion at the request of your partner is that they could at any point up and leave regardless. So having the abortion is no guarantee that the relationship will not end anyway.

You need to decide whether you want to have a third child, and whether you will manage as a lone parent of three children.

I would also be planning on how to manage as a lone parent anyway, as you partner sounds like an utter dick.

Greenrubber · 02/07/2021 09:03

I agree with other posters decide if you will be happy as a single parent
He may or may not come around to the idea
If you want this baby and you have an abortion your relationship is over anyway

Topseyt · 02/07/2021 09:03

If you have the baby your relationship is doomed, but you would love your new child and know that you did your best by yourself and them. DH might resent you, but but did he really do his bit at ensuring that contraception was as watertight as possible? Somehow I doubt it.

If you have a termination your relationship is still doomed. You will constantly regret that you didn't give your unborn child a chance and will resent your DH forever more.

On balance, I would say go ahead with the pregnancy. It sounds as though you want to.

If DH was all that adamant that he wanted no further children then why didn't he take additional responsibility for contraception?

Did he use a condom? Is he putting his money where his mouth is today and booking in for his vasectomy? My guess is that he left everything to you because he wants his pleasures without any inconvenience or discomfort to him.

Sampafie · 02/07/2021 09:03

Whatever you decide OP your relationship is 10000% over because he wont ever be intimate with you again for fear you ll end up pregnant again. So unless youre ready to be in a sexless marriage, decide on whats best for YOU. Just know that if you do keep it, he ll have 9 months to tailor his finances in order so as not to have to pay out too much, you ll probably barely get the mininum in financial support, if that.

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 02/07/2021 09:07

What a difficult position for you both. You’re both entitled to feel as you do but can I ask, what birth control you were using to ensure a third pregnancy didn’t happen.

Iwonder08 · 02/07/2021 09:10

OP, just try to think calmly for a moment. You both are blackmailing each other. He tells you your relationship will be over if you don't do abortion, you tell him you will resent him forever if you do..If you want the child (rather than just don't like the idea of abortion) by all means proceed with the pregnancy. It is 100%your right to decide so. I would think carefully before making any decisions. Perhaps rather than asking strangers on MN who are generally notoriously for 'leave the bastard' option try talking to someone who you trust or a paid professional. It might as well be the right option, but this decision shouldn't be taken in a rush

Geanna2 · 02/07/2021 09:13

I'd just abort your husband and live a happy life with the three children you wanted.

Original poster
Keepingitmum · 02/07/2021 09:13

Thank you all so much for your replies! So to answer a few questions I have seen above, my children are 8 and 5 (they'll be 9 and almost 6 by the time baby is born) by my calculations I am about 4 weeks, not to far gone but he wants this all over and done with as quickly as possible. He even thought I could book a appointment today and have everything done and dusted with before the weekend, I said it doesn't work like that. Our relationship prior to this was normal, we would have our arguments but nothing ever to extreme. He can be selfish at times, always has been. I see this from his point of view, I can understand why it would be scary I'm scared as well! The problem is, he doesn't see this as a baby currently, in his mind it is "just cells" his own words- where I feel differently. He said If I was further along he wouldn't want an abortion but as it's still so early, he doesn't feel guilty. I think I've come to the conclusion that our relationship will be over either way, if not now then months down the line and I'll be honest I want to keep this baby, but I don't know if I could cope with 3 children on my own, it's a scary thought but I know I'll hate myself for having an abortion. I'm also scared he won't want a realtionship with this baby but continue having one with our oldest children.

OP posts:
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