I don't want to have an abortion

[Keepingitmum]

Hi all, I'm completely new here so I'm sorry if this isn't the correct place to post this. I'll try and keep this short.

I've just found out I am pregnant with baby 3, when I did the test my partner was straight away in a bad mood, took himself outside and practically didn't speak to me or come near me as I cried. Moving on to the next day, that evening we spoke and he mentioned that if we keep this baby it'll put him in an early grave, and he thinks that our 2 children will miss out on so much due to finances having to be a bit tighter. He feels like we are still young and "he is just getting his life back" after our previous 2 children. So he doesn't see any good in why we should keep this baby, but he said ultimately it's my decision.

Then the next day, he again is telling me how he doesn't want it and I said I couldn't live with myself if I was to have an abortion, he said he doesn't want to force me Into having one but it'll be the end of us if I keep this pregnancy, and he will resent me forever. I said I'd resent him for making me have an abortion and he said that was an "a hole" thing to say, but I'm just trying to be honest with him. Last night I decided to book in for the abortion, but I couldn't sleep with worry and stress I hate that I'm having to do this, but ultimately my life will be a misery for the next however many months/years if I keep this pregnancy. I'm so scared, I have no idea what to do. Sorry for the long rant, thank you for reading.

Whichever way you go I think it’s the end of your relationship, it’s not something I could come back from. If you don’t go ahead your husband will be pissed of, unhappy, resent you. If you do, judging by your post you will resent him, and in time it will just get worse

You need to decide what you want, and from your post I would say it’s the baby, so go with it, if he leaves he leaves.

It never ceases to amaze me how men this it’s a quick simple thing, no hassle over and done with and move on. It’s not them suffering the hormones and emotions. That’s what I think your husband thinks

Please don’t do something you will regret

I think OP needs to take her husband out of the equation while making her decision. It's a horrific situation they have said themselves that this baby is going to end their relationship either way.

So OP - the choice is to have the abortion and separate with your two children. Or separate and raise your newborn and two children.

So sorry that you are in this situation. Might he change his mind? If he is shocked then he might cool down in a few days. I know mumsnet would still have you slinging him out but the reality is that divorce is horrid and drawn out. If there is a chance to save the relationship then I would be trying it.

I've been in the same situation as you. My two DC were 11 and 8, so quite a gap. My ex tried everything he could to make me have an abortion. Thankfully for me the pills weren't available then because I think he would have forced them down my throat, he was that desperate. I ended up a single parent of three. It was a financial struggle at times, but I was so happy to have my baby. Having had a late MC six years earlier I knew I couldn't cope with losing another child. My youngest has given me so much joy and beautiful DGC who tell me how much they love me. You want this baby, have it and don't let him guilt you into doing what he wants.

This has no perfect ending unfortunately. Either you win or he wins and in doing so someone will feel like they lost and resentment will fester.

I think you have to at least give it enough time to bed in. He shouldn’t be forcing you to do something so momentous quickly without giving you any time to think about it properly.

@Keepingitmum
Hi, I have nothing but sympathy for you. I am pregnant with my third, they are also 8 and 5. My son will turn 9 a month after baby's due and my daughter will be 6 that year too.

I believe you should go with your heart. If it feels right go with it. Maybe he will come round to the idea, maybe not. But the decision should ultimately be your choice x

Your decision

If HE doesn't want any more children, what contraception is HE using ?

NC'ed as otherwise identifying. I recently had a termination for medical reasons for our first baby. When my partner and I made that decision we were both on board with it.

However, the emotional backlash of the termination was enormous for me (less so for DP). I found it absolutely awful. I knew it would be hard, but not like this. Not the process so much (although that was not great either), but the gravity of the decision itself and now, the aftermath. The sense of loss is big and I am really struggling with feelings of guilt and the 'what if'-questions, even though we had felt relatively confident about the decision when we took it.

I am and always have been pro-choice. But having gone through it myself now, It would not be a decision I would ever want any person to take lightheartedly or against her full conviction, and certainly not feel blackmailed or bullied into. I personally would feel very, very angry with anyone who would try to pressure me into an abortion, while they would not bear the physical, mental and emotional consequences to the same extent I would. It doesn't show love or care for you, or appreciation for what he is asking you to put yourself through. It would certainly make me rethink the relationship in general.

Before taking a decision, at least see if you can talk by yourself to an independent professional therapist so you can speak your mind with someone who is not as emotionally involved as partner/friends/family. I don't know if the EPU or your GP would be able to set you up with one? We did this, and it was very helpful for both DP and me. If it doesn't work out through the NHS, it might be worth paying privately for this.

@MarshmallowAra

"Only just getting his life back ..."

That's the real reason he wants to abort a child he half created; the stuff about your other kids' standard of living is just self serving bullshit I think.

I thought so, too. Sounds like he could be resentful of the DC he already has.

I am pro-choice, and that means supporting the woman in the decision that's right for her.

OP, you clearly don't want to abort, and I think you should consider not aborting if this is what you want.

I think your relationship will end anyway, because one of you will be resentful, regardless of the decision, so leave him out of the equation.

And if he didn't want more DC, he should have been ensuring that he was using suitable contraception. And it's a bit rich of him accusing you of emotional blackmail, when he was doing exactly that.

You will cope with 3 children and you will manage I'm not saying it will be easy but your do it, do what's best for you

Definitely do what you want in this case.
You'll be ok with 3. My DD is. It's hard but you'll get through.

If he's that adamant about no more children, then he could have had the snip years ago but nope, he just continues to want to get jiggy but the fallout is all on you.

Since you've just told him, wait to see if things calm down. How was he when he found out your were pregnant the other times?

I've just had my third dd and my other two are 9 and 6, It's really not that bad. If you don't want the abortion don't have the abortion, don't be forced into it you will regret it.