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Relationships

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Original poster

I don't want to have an abortion

61 replies

Keepingitmum · 02/07/2021 07:52

Hi all, I'm completely new here so I'm sorry if this isn't the correct place to post this. I'll try and keep this short.

I've just found out I am pregnant with baby 3, when I did the test my partner was straight away in a bad mood, took himself outside and practically didn't speak to me or come near me as I cried. Moving on to the next day, that evening we spoke and he mentioned that if we keep this baby it'll put him in an early grave, and he thinks that our 2 children will miss out on so much due to finances having to be a bit tighter. He feels like we are still young and "he is just getting his life back" after our previous 2 children. So he doesn't see any good in why we should keep this baby, but he said ultimately it's my decision.

Then the next day, he again is telling me how he doesn't want it and I said I couldn't live with myself if I was to have an abortion, he said he doesn't want to force me Into having one but it'll be the end of us if I keep this pregnancy, and he will resent me forever. I said I'd resent him for making me have an abortion and he said that was an "a hole" thing to say, but I'm just trying to be honest with him. Last night I decided to book in for the abortion, but I couldn't sleep with worry and stress I hate that I'm having to do this, but ultimately my life will be a misery for the next however many months/years if I keep this pregnancy. I'm so scared, I have no idea what to do. Sorry for the long rant, thank you for reading.

OP posts:

Sorehandsandfeet · 02/07/2021 09:29

Please do what is right for you. I have a friend who had an abortion against her will 20 years ago and it still eats her up, it is her biggest regret. She has a different husband and 3 children now as the previous relationship couldn't survive her resentment. You will manage and if he wishes to be a dick about contact with the baby, you will see clearly what an asshole he is and understand that he isn't worth your tears.

TheNinny · 02/07/2021 09:40

Don’t do it if you don’t want to. He says he wants you to have an abortion but men often change their tune after the fact. I have known several women in this situation. He doesn’t sound very caring of your feelings so is unlikely to acknowledge the pressure he put on you for “your decision”. If you are feeling upset afterwards he could say he never made you do it and put it all on you and that it’s unfair to blame him instead of being a support. I hope he would not be that way but I would prepare for this if were to go through with it.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 02/07/2021 09:47

What did your "d"p do to prevent this pregnancy?

Has he had a vasectomy?

Did he wear a condom?

Pull out?

Abstain?

If he did nothing to prevent the pregnancy and is asking for an abortion that is utterly horrific.

If you decided between the 2 of you you wanted no more children after two, he had a vasectomy and it's failed then I can understand why he's disappointed, but that still didn't give him the right to tell you what to do with your body.

If he did nothing to prevent the pregnancy then what on earth is the man complaining about? He committed the act of pro-creation and guess what? He created a human, having had 2 already he should know how it works by now.

If HE didn't want a 3rd child then it was HIS responsibility to prevent his sexual partner from getting pregnant, not shoot his load into a fertile woman and then complain about it after.

BuffyFanForever · 02/07/2021 09:57

Please do not hurt your baby because your partner is behaving so badly. Your title suggests that is not a course of action you want to take and it’s so important to follow your own gut feelings. Don’t let him force you into a literal life or death decision. You baby has done nothing wrong. Your first and second child won’t miss out by having a sibling. Wishing you luck and sending hugs x

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 02/07/2021 11:45

I can’t imagine how hard this is, but it’s your body and your decision. You will recover from a divorce if needs be. You may never mentally recover from an abortion you don’t want.

Temp023 · 02/07/2021 11:50

@BuffyFanForever

This is overly emotive language for this type of debate, it’s not a baby yet. It is a bundle of cells with the potential to become a baby

Amotherlife · 02/07/2021 12:45

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You must do what is right for you but give yourself time to think it through and make sure you are making the right decision - you need to be practical as well as to follow your heart.

Long ago I became pregnant accidentally. It was spectacularly bad timing and unfortunate, as for various reasons I didn't find out for quite a while. I knew termination was right for me then (and everyone in my life who knew about it supported me) but it was a very difficult decision and one that haunted me for quite a long time (years).

Danikm151 · 02/07/2021 13:32

Nobody can force you to do something you don't want to do.

If the tables were turned and you wanted an abortion but he didn't how would he react then?

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2021 13:40

Well the baby is "just cells" but the cells are in your body and if you dont want an abortion then that's the end of that.

It may be that he comes round once the decision is made, it may be that he doesnt. It may be that you dont forgive him. Either way, best to start thinking about how you might manage on your own just in case.

UsedUpUsername · 02/07/2021 13:40

@MarshmallowAra

And what's even more mind blowing I'd that these are not even casual, early, fwb etc relationships, these are marriages & ltr's they're pushing their wives & partners to abort within (if both partners agree that's one thing but that's not the case in these threads).

They are absolutely fkg disgusting individuals.

I read a lot more stories like this on MN then I ever thought possible.

What’s with these men trying to coerce their partners into doing something they clearly don’t want to do? Why is this apparently so common?

UsedUpUsername · 02/07/2021 13:45

This is overly emotive language for this type of debate, it’s not a baby yet. It is a bundle of cells with the potential to become a baby

This sounds scientific but is not.

Abortion is ok and right in many circumstances, but it’s not just a ‘clump of cells’. If you had a miscarriage at even 4 weeks, that’s still your baby.

Sunflowers095 · 02/07/2021 14:09

It's your body your choice, but it's also his choice to walk away. If he's adamant about not having more kids though why hasn't he had a vasectomy?

CupOfTPlease · 02/07/2021 14:18

Your body. Your choice.

He can't say it's an a hole thing to say when he said the same thing to you!

I would rather not have a relationship with that piece of shit. Not sure why he is threatening that. I'd pack his bags for him.

You've got this and remember, you decide. No one else.

Vallmo47 · 02/07/2021 14:28

I agree with others but just wanted to add that his initial reaction is one of complete shock and I’d allow him to calm down before I spoke to him again about where to go from here. My initial reaction both pregnancies (despite being planned!) did absolutely not reflect how I feel about my children today. It’s okay to have a horrific initial reaction, some people do. He might apologise profusely once it’s sunk in properly and I’m sure if he’s a loving father to his first two he will be the same to a third.
Good luck!

thenewduchessofhastings · 02/07/2021 14:38

Your partner is a nasty POS who's cruelly emotional blackmailing into a termination you don't want to have.

My friend's partner tried the same crap when she was expecting baby number 2.He gave her the choice;the baby or him.

She ditched him and keep her now 11 year DS.

She also went onto meet someone else and get married and is now step mum to a little girl she adores too.

Micemakingclothes · 02/07/2021 14:40

The decision aspect is well covered so I wanted to address his lack of rationality

Financially adding a 3rd child will be a strain, but divorce is a bigger strain.

A 3rd child will change the lives of the children, but divorce will have a bigger impact

A 3rd child will complicate his life. If he is a decent father, divorce will complicate it more, but he might be one of those men who will just disappear.

He is of course assuming that you can simply have an abortion and it won’t impact your relationship. He is obviously missing the part where that can only work if you both happen to agree with the decision.

Most importantly..
If he is this certain he does not want any additional children, has he made any calls to book a vasectomy? I would expect that to happen immediately before I even entertained the idea of terminating the pregnancy.

thenewduchessofhastings · 02/07/2021 14:40

Also to add;the "he's only just getting his life back" is telling.It sounds as though he's already resentful of the children you already have.

BuffyFanForever · 02/07/2021 15:39

It is great that you can at least voice your thoughts and concerns somewhere (here is as good as anywhere) . Be brave and do what is right for you and your babies...x

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/07/2021 15:51

I'm 100% pro choice but you don't want to terminate, and from what you've said about him, I wouldn't make a decision you are very uncomfortable with to hang on to him. As a pp said, tell him you're keeping it, he can walk out if he wants and you'll explain why when anyone asks. And he will of course need to support his children. He's their dad.

OldBean2 · 02/07/2021 15:53

OP, I am pro choice and in the case the choice is yours. Your husband will not have to go through the termination, nor will he have the challenge of facing other babies around your due date, you and your body will be doing that.

Do not let someone talk you into something that you are not sure about, make sure you get counselling so you can make the right decision for you.

Just know that there is no right or wrong answer, and whatever you decide to do, you will get lots of support on here.

However, all that being said, I would be seriously review my relationship and looking for an exit route.

Sunny4876 · 02/07/2021 15:58

I believe you will end up as a single mum to 2 or 3 children as I don't think you'll ever be able to forgive him for his behaviour

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2021 15:58

Forget about your partner because this relationship is doomed anyway.

You just have to decide if you can handle and afford another baby as an single mum, because that's what's going to happen.

Notaroadrunner · 02/07/2021 16:01

Your relationship is doomed either way. You now need to decide if you want to parent 2 or 3 children (part time or alone). Given he's such a prick he probably won't want 50/50 care anyway. Remind him it takes 2 to make a baby so he should have ensured that he couldn't father anymore kids if he didn't want them. Do not have an abortion just because he is manipulating you. The only a hole in this relationship is him!

Viviennemary · 02/07/2021 16:06

If you absolutely don't want an abortion don't have one. It could traumatise you for years to come. Say to him Ive made my decision I am having the baby. What you do is up to you. You shouldn't be coerced into an abortion you don't want. I agree he should have had a vasectomy if thats how he feels.

Farwest · 02/07/2021 16:11

Your relationship is over, as it should be, after telling you that your resentment makes you an arse, while his makes him the victim. ?? What a twat.

I'm all for abortion when that's the right move, but you don't want one. Have your baby.

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