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Original poster

I’m a straight woman with a huge crush on an older woman - is it real or is it a girl crush?

57 replies

NorthAndSouthern · 01/07/2021 23:23

I’m a woman in my early 40s in a relationship with a man but have developed a huge crush on a woman who is around 10 years older. I thought it was a girl crush at first but now I’m not sure as I just cannot stop thinking about her.

I admire a lot of her qualities but I now think about her constantly and fantasise about kissing her.

Anyone else been in this situation? How did you get over it? Did you get over it? Did you say anything to the woman?

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 16:52

I think it is a sort of girl crush. It seems to have got a bit out of hand if you fantasise about kissing her but is that really a sexual urge?

Most of us encounter people in our lives whom we admire greatly, of our own and the opposite sex. It's normal.

Honestly, this will pass.

I had a crush on a chap at work many years ago and fantasised about more than kissing though not crudely, it was always unrealistically romantic. I didn't show it, nobody knew. He went away for a while, when he came back I did not see him in the same way any more.

Original poster
NorthAndSouthern · 03/07/2021 17:00

Thanks. I’m hoping it will pass. I do have sexual feelings towards her as well.

I do admire her a lot and she has been extremely kind and caring towards me so I can’t help but think that’s part of it too.

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 03/07/2021 17:08

“ Did you feel it would be mind-blowing before it happened?”

I’d not had ages to think about it, it kind of just happened naturally. But yes, I think I was expecting mind-blowing (she was and is smoking hot, though the sexual attraction is long gone) and it wasn’t really - it was tender and gentle and fun and kind, but not Earth-shaking.

Biscuitandacuppa · 03/07/2021 17:09

I have throughout my life experiences sexual attraction to women. I have always (apart from some teenage experimentation) been in relationships with men. I also find men attractive and enjoy sex. I think I’m probably bisexual and if I was looking for a relationship now I would be open to exploring my sexuality further. However I’m single. You are not. If your attraction was to an older man you would know that you shouldn’t pursue it, have meetings etc because it would be unfair to your DH. This is no different. You need to back away and then have a think about whether you are happy in your primary relationship. Loads of people have crushes and often it just fades away.

StarlightLady · 03/07/2021 18:29

OP, in more general terms it might pay you to look up the Kinsey Scale.

Original poster
NorthAndSouthern · 03/07/2021 18:30

Thanks Starlight. I will check it out

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthAndSouthern · 03/07/2021 20:55

@Biscuitandacuppa

I have throughout my life experiences sexual attraction to women. I have always (apart from some teenage experimentation) been in relationships with men. I also find men attractive and enjoy sex. I think I’m probably bisexual and if I was looking for a relationship now I would be open to exploring my sexuality further. However I’m single. You are not. If your attraction was to an older man you would know that you shouldn’t pursue it, have meetings etc because it would be unfair to your DH. This is no different. You need to back away and then have a think about whether you are happy in your primary relationship. Loads of people have crushes and often it just fades away.
My partner is ok with me exploring
OP posts:
MadameOvary81 · 04/07/2021 14:38

Speaking from personal experience, OP, I used to have bouts of limerence for female colleagues and after the last one where It was apparent the feelings were mutual, I had to be honest with myself and realise I was at the very least Bi.

I can easily have relationships/sex with men, but something is always missing. With women I can form emotional bonds that I never quite can with men. I don't know if you feel the same way?

I am now married to a woman and quite honestly it's the best thing I have ever done, for various reasons.

My advice (if your partner really is okay with it) is explore what you're feeling. Have the sex, see if it's just an itch that needs scratched, or perhaps it will be a lightbulb moment and you'll realise you need a female partner. I know you said with your family that might not be easy, but you can't life your life to keep them happy...that's a miserable existence. Follow your heart.

OverTheRubicon · 04/07/2021 15:10

I had a junior female colleague, married to a man, once develop a massive crush on me - or as I'd suspect not really on me as a person, but as a slightly older women in a job she eventually wanted, and who thought she was really good.

It was quite awkward at the time, because I could feel the vibes. She was attractive and if we were both single and not working together, I would have been interested - but we weren't, and it meant I had to put her at arm's length, it really wasn't great. I think that just like a crush on a married male colleague, you need to try to tamp it down, and look at your own relationship and desires separately to work out what that means for you.

We've caught up in years since and there's nothing like that intensity any more. She's still married to a man, fwiw.

Flugbusiness · 04/07/2021 15:36

What is a 'girl crush' Confused surely it is just a crush.

I would advice treating it as any crush you had on a colleague - i.e. try to forget about it, you work together, it's not appropriate.

Take a step back and consider if there is something more to this in terms of your sexuality. If you DH is happy for you to experiment then maybe discuss with him. But leave your colleague alone!

Original poster
NorthAndSouthern · 04/07/2021 17:30

@MadameOvary81

Speaking from personal experience, OP, I used to have bouts of limerence for female colleagues and after the last one where It was apparent the feelings were mutual, I had to be honest with myself and realise I was at the very least Bi.

I can easily have relationships/sex with men, but something is always missing. With women I can form emotional bonds that I never quite can with men. I don't know if you feel the same way?

I am now married to a woman and quite honestly it's the best thing I have ever done, for various reasons.

My advice (if your partner really is okay with it) is explore what you're feeling. Have the sex, see if it's just an itch that needs scratched, or perhaps it will be a lightbulb moment and you'll realise you need a female partner. I know you said with your family that might not be easy, but you can't life your life to keep them happy...that's a miserable existence. Follow your heart.

That really resonates with me. The part about the emotional bond. I feel like that is something I would have with a women in a way that I’ve never had with a man
OP posts:
Original poster
NorthAndSouthern · 04/07/2021 17:32

@OverTheRubicon

I had a junior female colleague, married to a man, once develop a massive crush on me - or as I'd suspect not really on me as a person, but as a slightly older women in a job she eventually wanted, and who thought she was really good.

It was quite awkward at the time, because I could feel the vibes. She was attractive and if we were both single and not working together, I would have been interested - but we weren't, and it meant I had to put her at arm's length, it really wasn't great. I think that just like a crush on a married male colleague, you need to try to tamp it down, and look at your own relationship and desires separately to work out what that means for you.

We've caught up in years since and there's nothing like that intensity any more. She's still married to a man, fwiw.

This is a similar situation. Now I’m wondering if she can feel the vibes from me or whether I’ve managed to not show it in an overt manner
OP posts:
1Wanda1 · 04/07/2021 17:37

I felt like this about a female colleague. Literally could not stop thinking about her, in a way I had never felt in any previous relationship (all with men). I was single but "straight" at the time. We are now married Smile

ravenmum · 05/07/2021 08:54

This is not going to be a neatly happy ending, though, is it, even if the woman in question did fancy OP too.

OP, is your partner so OK with you exploring that he'd also be OK with you deciding you were not into men and ending things? That is, do you think he's just in the relationship out of habit and the logistics of separating?

I mean, if the sex is unfulfilling and you've no emotional bond, it might be a pleasant friendhip but it's not a very fun relationship, is it? Might it actually be better to end things with him anyway and get your life in order so you can go out and just do whatever you fancy?

Original poster
NorthAndSouthern · 05/07/2021 13:54

@1Wanda1

I felt like this about a female colleague. Literally could not stop thinking about her, in a way I had never felt in any previous relationship (all with men). I was single but "straight" at the time. We are now married Smile
Wow. I’m trying to figure out if this scares or excites me at this stage. How did you approach it with her? Was she into women at the time?
OP posts:
Original poster
NorthAndSouthern · 05/07/2021 13:56

@ravenmum

This is not going to be a neatly happy ending, though, is it, even if the woman in question did fancy OP too.

OP, is your partner so OK with you exploring that he'd also be OK with you deciding you were not into men and ending things? That is, do you think he's just in the relationship out of habit and the logistics of separating?

I mean, if the sex is unfulfilling and you've no emotional bond, it might be a pleasant friendhip but it's not a very fun relationship, is it? Might it actually be better to end things with him anyway and get your life in order so you can go out and just do whatever you fancy?

We’ve only discussed in terms of it being a threesome or me just having some fun with a women. It was quite abstract until now with no one actually in mind.

I didn’t say I have no emotional bond with him btw!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/07/2021 14:08

I meant your comment "The part about the emotional bond. I feel like that is something I would have with a women in a way that I’ve never had with a man" - which I understood to mean that you felt you'd never had an emotional bond.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/07/2021 14:25

I cant see a happy ending to this OP.

You make a move, she is interested but you work together and she is married as are you.

You make a move and she is not interested, you work together and have affected your professional life.

It doesn't sound like your Dh is aware you may want to leave him for a women, more just a fantasy to try out.

Perhaps you need to end your marriage to allow you to date women. But women who are single and not colleges.

Dozer · 06/07/2021 12:04

Unfair of you IMO to discuss ‘exploring’ sex with others with your partner, unless he’s - both of you - are fully up for a non monogamous relationship.

If not, you can’t both retain the benefits of your current relationship and seek to date others. Choose!

If sex with men has always been humdrum, and the men have been good in bed, seems like it’d be worth being single so you can have the opportunity to meet and date women and see how things go!

walkoflifewoohoo · 06/07/2021 12:10

"I’ve often thought about the use of the term “girl crush” and whether it just feeds into a heteronormative agenda."

Have you? Why on earth did you use it then? Hmm

Original poster
NorthAndSouthern · 06/07/2021 17:42

@Dozer

Unfair of you IMO to discuss ‘exploring’ sex with others with your partner, unless he’s - both of you - are fully up for a non monogamous relationship.

If not, you can’t both retain the benefits of your current relationship and seek to date others. Choose!

If sex with men has always been humdrum, and the men have been good in bed, seems like it’d be worth being single so you can have the opportunity to meet and date women and see how things go!

Unfair to who? We are discussing it. That’s the whole point of a discussion
OP posts:
Original poster
NorthAndSouthern · 06/07/2021 17:43

@walkoflifewoohoo

"I’ve often thought about the use of the term “girl crush” and whether it just feeds into a heteronormative agenda."

Have you? Why on earth did you use it then? Hmm

Because I don’t know what else to call it. Isn’t that the general term? I’m thinking out loud about whether it’s correct or not
OP posts:
Silvergreen · 06/07/2021 20:09

'My partner is ok with me exploring'

Famous last words of every foolish man who's given his partner the go-ahead to fall in love with another woman at her own pace.

Dozer · 07/07/2021 06:18

Unfair to your partner, obviously!

Plain old cheating / threatening to end a relationship unless cheating is tolerated.

Hawkins001 · 07/07/2021 07:04

All the best op