I’m a straight woman with a huge crush on an older woman - is it real or is it a girl crush?

NorthAndSouthern · 2021-07-01T22:23:53+00:00

I’m a woman in my early 40s in a relationship with a man but have developed a huge crush on a woman who is around 10 years older. I thought it was a girl crush at first but now I’m not sure as I just cannot stop thinking about her. I admire a lot of her qualities but I now think about her constantly and fantasise about kissing her. Anyone else been in this situation? How did you get over it? Did you get over it? Did you say anything to the woman?

jclm · 01/07/2021 23:29

Is it the woman's life/career you look up to or are you lookig for a mother figure?

Is she gay?

I have had this experience and it was very painful for me.

Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 01/07/2021 23:32

I definitely look up to her and where she is in her career. Have also thought about the mother thing as well as there has been an element of her being really kind towards me.

She is married to a man but I don’t know anymore than that. She could be bi but who knows.

What happened in your situation?

Hope all ok now

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cheeseismydownfall · 02/07/2021 07:43

You say you fantasise about kissing her, but do you want to have sex with her? There is a difference IMO.

Over my life there have been a few women I've felt drawn to in a way that is definitely beyond a 'normal' friendship. Many of the feelings are similar to when I've been sexually attracted a guy. But it has always stopped short of wanting to sleep with them. I guess it is more like an emotional crush?

I've also experienced the same with some men - all the feelings of a crush, wanting to spend time with them, being intimate, kissing - but stopping short of actually going to bed with them. Whereas with guys I do fancy there I no doubt about what I want to do to them!

WineAcademy · 02/07/2021 07:50

Sexuality often is fuzzy around the edges for a lot of people, but also, loads of women come out as lesvian in their 40s or older. Compulsory heterosexuality is a difficult experience, resulting in a lifetime of repressing one's true self.

I came out in my late 30s and am now in a relationship with a woman, after being married to a man for years, having dc, etc. It took me a while to sift through my feelings about my sexuality, but I'm glad I did.

Maybe this crush is telling you something about yourself? Don't dismiss it as a mere "girl" crush. That terminology is another means of discounting women's sexuality, as if what we need/want/desire/are is just silly, immature, meaningless. It isn't any of those things.

WineAcademy · 02/07/2021 07:50

*lesbian ffs

ravenmum · 02/07/2021 08:00

Is your partner not so kind to you? Might you be craving kindness at the moment?

You're both partnered up so it's not going anywhere.

I feel the same as cheeseismydownfall and have come to the conclusion that I'm probably just hetero.

StarlightLady · 02/07/2021 09:01

I don’t think the age gap is an issue.

Define “straight woman”. I remember when l thought l was one of those, then someone introduced me to a little renaissance. Having spent many years thinking l was straight, I was in my 30s (early 40s now) before l went past the curious stage. These days, l just consider myself as “sexual”; no prefix required.

And, OP, what exactly do you want from this?

Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 02/07/2021 12:52

@cheeseismydownfall

You say you fantasise about kissing her, but do you want to have sex with her? There is a difference IMO.

Over my life there have been a few women I've felt drawn to in a way that is definitely beyond a 'normal' friendship. Many of the feelings are similar to when I've been sexually attracted a guy. But it has always stopped short of wanting to sleep with them. I guess it is more like an emotional crush?

I've also experienced the same with some men - all the feelings of a crush, wanting to spend time with them, being intimate, kissing - but stopping short of actually going to bed with them. Whereas with guys I do fancy there I no doubt about what I want to do to them!

When I first started to be drawn to her, I kind of stopped myself from thinking about her in a sexual way. I couldn’t even let myself think about kissing her as it felt so wrong (someone I work with).

But it’s definitely now tipped over into thinking about having sex with her.

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Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 02/07/2021 12:55

@WineAcademy

Sexuality often is fuzzy around the edges for a lot of people, but also, loads of women come out as lesvian in their 40s or older. Compulsory heterosexuality is a difficult experience, resulting in a lifetime of repressing one's true self.

I came out in my late 30s and am now in a relationship with a woman, after being married to a man for years, having dc, etc. It took me a while to sift through my feelings about my sexuality, but I'm glad I did.

Maybe this crush is telling you something about yourself? Don't dismiss it as a mere "girl" crush. That terminology is another means of discounting women's sexuality, as if what we need/want/desire/are is just silly, immature, meaningless. It isn't any of those things.

Thanks for this. I’ve often thought about the use of the term “girl crush” and whether it just feeds into a heteronormative agenda.

I’m from a background where it might not be easy to be in a relationship with a woman so there is that to contend with as well.

I had a similar crush on a woman a few years ago and also had the same feelings as you of sifting through them and what it all meant.

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Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 02/07/2021 12:56

@ravenmum

Is your partner not so kind to you? Might you be craving kindness at the moment?

You're both partnered up so it's not going anywhere.

I feel the same as cheeseismydownfall and have come to the conclusion that I'm probably just hetero.

He is an incredibly kind and lovely person. I couldn’t ask for more, really. I think maybe I’m not satisfied sexually but it still doesn’t explain why I’m so drawn to her rather than a man.

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Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 02/07/2021 12:59

@StarlightLady

I don’t think the age gap is an issue.

Define “straight woman”. I remember when l thought l was one of those, then someone introduced me to a little renaissance. Having spent many years thinking l was straight, I was in my 30s (early 40s now) before l went past the curious stage. These days, l just consider myself as “sexual”; no prefix required.

And, OP, what exactly do you want from this?

Yes, I did question myself when I said that I was a straight woman. Maybe “in a relationship with a man” was more apt.

I feel like I want something to happen with her but I would need to not be working in the same department for that to even remotely be a possibility.

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Dozer · 02/07/2021 12:59

Neither of you is single, and you’re colleagues, so would accept you have a the but be professional and have firm ‘boundaries’ eg only discuss work matters.

If you’re unhappy in your current relationship, would deal with that. Eg if you’d prefer to be single you could date anyone you choose who’s also single!

Dozer · 02/07/2021 13:00

You mention the work situation, but she’s also married! Avoid.

Albien · 02/07/2021 13:01

I’m going to give the same advice I’d give to anyone who had a crush on a married person: Avoid them as much as possible and try to stop thinking about it. Whether you are straight/gay/bi is a separate issue. Either way you need to disengage from this person.

Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 02/07/2021 13:35

I know all of all that and am trying not to think about her but just cannot stop.

I won’t pursue it as I know it’s not right

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BiBabbles · 02/07/2021 13:37

As others said, spend less time with her as possible and, when needing to be around her due to work, try to think of her analytically, in a detached way that can see her, flaws and all rather than the dreamy way your emotions are building up. Also, spending more focused effort on your spouse and activities that have nothing to do with her.

I've been there (though I'm bisexual pretty firmly in the middle of the old Kinsey scale), and those helped me burn out the other side of it. Emotions can be weird sometimes, and we humans aren't particularly good at knowing exactly what caused them, but distracting away from it and focusing elsewhere tends to help them sort themselves out.

ravenmum · 02/07/2021 14:08

As a kind of shock treatment/aversive conditioning technique, how about focusing on the worst-case scenario if you really did come on to her? So that the next time you start imagining sex with her, this scenario would play out instead and put you off:

You kiss her. She draws back, pulls a horrified face and tells you she's not interested, and that she thought better of you and is shocked you'd think she'd be up for an affair. It's like having ice water thrown in your face and you feel ashamed, you've lost her respect and friendship. Word gets out that you are looking for an affair, people avoid you, whisper about you behind your back. Your partner hears about it and dumps you, telling your family why.

You could also look up advice on stopping smoking and apply that.

And ask yourself what's going on with your partner and the unfulfilling sex. Sexuality aside, do you want to be with him?

ravenmum · 02/07/2021 14:13

Or are you wondering if you could be lesbian because that would be a Good Reason for ending it with him, and you feel the reasons you have now are not good enough?

Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 02/07/2021 15:00

I will try to change my mindset. Until now, I’ve been having a few meetings with her but will back away from those.

There’s part of me that does wonder if I would be happier with a woman but having never been with one, I just don’t know.

I feel like the sex would be mind-blowing for a start

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Dozer · 02/07/2021 15:36

Work or personal ‘friendly’ meetings? Sounds like the latter, so stop!

If you want to explore sex with a woman (fair enough) end your current relationship and look to meet new (single) women!

Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 02/07/2021 21:53

@Dozer

Work or personal ‘friendly’ meetings? Sounds like the latter, so stop!

If you want to explore sex with a woman (fair enough) end your current relationship and look to meet new (single) women!

About work stuff! But requested by me.

Have spoken to my partner about exploring previously but it hadn’t come up for a while.

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ravenmum · 03/07/2021 14:19

Has your sex life always been a bit meh, with all partners?

Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 03/07/2021 16:07

@ravenmum

Has your sex life always been a bit meh, with all partners?

Looking back, I think the answer is yes.

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Verbena87 · 03/07/2021 16:19

“ I feel like the sex would be mind-blowing for a start”

This is really personal and probably varies by partner rather than (or as well as) by partner’s sex. I slept with a female friend in my twenties because we fancied each other and wanted to. The sex was lovely but not mind-blowing - I was surprised to find there came a point where I really wanted a penis in the room. We chatted over breakfast the next day and I concluded I was probably heterosexual and she’d found the opposite.

We’re still good friends in our mid thirties and happily married, me to a man and her to a woman.

I dunno really. Might be worth exploring if/when you are single, with someone else single.

Original poster

NorthAndSouthern · 03/07/2021 16:44

@Verbena87

“ I feel like the sex would be mind-blowing for a start”

This is really personal and probably varies by partner rather than (or as well as) by partner’s sex. I slept with a female friend in my twenties because we fancied each other and wanted to. The sex was lovely but not mind-blowing - I was surprised to find there came a point where I really wanted a penis in the room. We chatted over breakfast the next day and I concluded I was probably heterosexual and she’d found the opposite.

We’re still good friends in our mid thirties and happily married, me to a man and her to a woman.

I dunno really. Might be worth exploring if/when you are single, with someone else single.

Did you feel it would be mind-blowing before it happened?

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