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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DDs relationship - really don't know how to handle this

61 replies

spottydog16 · 30/06/2021 20:43

I've nced for this.

I've been with DP for 4 years, he has a 15yearold son and I have a 14 year old DD.
When they met they were 10 and 11. He stays with us EOW and sometimes more in the holidays. They have always been close and me and him get on as he's very respectful and well behaved. I also get on with his mum.

Today, his mum messaged me saying that when she picked up her son from school, she saw him kiss DD on the cheek and that she spoke to him but he said it was a ‘joke’. I checked DDs phone anyway (as I do regularly) and there's a lot of hearts between them and them saying they love each other and this weekend he's meant to come here and they have planned to watch films together. I haven't spoken to DD yet or DP as he's working away.

I just don't know how to handle this!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2021 20:45

Talking to your daughter would be a good place to start.

DGFB · 30/06/2021 20:47

I’ve heard of this happening before. Not sure what you can do in the grand scheme of things - they’re not related? But I would definitely speak to DD and ask her what she thinks about it all

Original poster

spottydog16 · 30/06/2021 20:51

No, they're not related. I will speak to DD but I want to speak to DP first to see what he thinks about it.

OP posts:

SupermanInk · 30/06/2021 20:52

It could obviously be very uncomfortable if they split up. But they’re not related so there’s not really anything you can do. I’d set some boundaries as they’re going to be under the same roof and then see what happens.

2021DNA · 30/06/2021 21:06

Original poster

spottydog16 · 30/06/2021 21:11

I know we won't be able to stop them and if I wasn't with his dad it wouldn't be a problem but he's here EOW from Friday after school until the Monday morning and unless we're out, theyre mainly upstairs in their rooms but they'll probably want to spend time together in each others which id feel uncomfortable about, just the same if this was just a boy from her school. I wouldn't want him in her room.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2021 21:22

This is a lot more complicated than if he were just a boy from school.

Original poster

spottydog16 · 30/06/2021 21:39

I know. Which is why I have no idea what do. DP said he's going to call me soon as I've told him I need to talk to him.

OP posts:

RugratMum · 30/06/2021 22:34

Well, it's not exactly surprising, given that they're the same age(ish), get on well, spend a lot of time together and haven't known each other since they were small enough to have the ick factor about it (I once read that it's about age 7- if you spend significant time with someone before age 7 you're biologically programmed to not fancy them when you're older).

Short of not leaving them alone together, I'm not sure what you can do. Safe sex talk, make contraception available?

Beansontoast45 · 30/06/2021 22:39

Maybe make a rule that if they are in each other’s room then the door is to stay open. Try to avoid leaving them home alone but other than that there isn’t much you can do.

Deathsquito · 30/06/2021 22:43

I’m sure you will anyway but please keep an eye on this op.

I’m not sure if it’s a ‘thing’ at the moment, but some poor girl at dsis school has been in hiding since she was a victim of ‘revenge porn’ last month, from her step brother. The poor parents had no idea, he’d wooed her and posted it to WhatsApp, then his mates shared it around the school. It’s being dealt with, but gossip travels like wildfire here.

Apparently ‘step-sisters’ is a big thing in amateur porn at the moment.

The poor mum is beside herself not knowing how to keep a now suicidal daughter safe from someone who lives with them, and is having to consider divorce. The stepdad doesn’t know what to do as obviously he loves his son, and can’t exactly kick him out at 15 with no other family.

If there is any way you can put a stop to this, do. It’s messy as hell.

Original poster

spottydog16 · 01/07/2021 00:10

I spoke to DP and he said he'll speak to his son at the weekend. I think we'll also make them agree to that rule. Not sure what we'll do if they don't!

It is a shock as yes, they are close but we didn't even think that this would happen.

I dread him coming at the weekend, I know it's horrible but I do.

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 01/07/2021 00:13

All the best op, tis a tricky one.

spotcheck · 01/07/2021 00:14

Could it make it much much more a ' thing' if you all start examining it?
It would make it harder for it to blow over if they know that you know....

Wondergirl100 · 01/07/2021 06:33

OP could you seek some professional advice on this - this is seriously tricky. Maybe google family counselling in your area?

The problem is that your teens were spending a lot of time together and a key moment emotionally etc without the 'taboo' factor of not actually being related. ie. the heavy cultural taboo against incest wasn't there to protect them.

Don't shame/ tell off your daughter - but you will of course need to protect her by keeping them apart - could you sit her down and say, okay we can't stop this but you will have to be treated like a normal boyfriend/ girlffriend, ie. not allowed to be alone together?

I think the absolute key would be to stay totally calm.

I also agree with the point raised above. re. porn and step sisters - it's a massive trend on mainstream porn sites (if you can bring yourself to, have a look - it's really important to know this stuff as parents) - it is possible your step sons friends will egg him on for this reason.

but - stay calm, !

WaltzingBetty · 01/07/2021 06:53

I think you need to have a clear conversation with each of them around love, consent, boundaries and contraception

If they fancy each other then their proximity will exacerbate that. They are not related and whilst the situation is awkward for you, it's important that they aren't made to feel ashamed or to 'hide' their activities - that is much more dangerous.

TeddingtonTrashbag · 01/07/2021 06:58

Could she spend more time with her dad and at other friends houses at weekends. I mean do that they are not alone quite so much?

Original poster

spottydog16 · 01/07/2021 08:38

DD goes to her dads once a month as he lives quite far away but normally it's when stepson isn't here.

I will speak to DD later about their relationship and consent and boundaries etc and DP will do the same at the weekend.

@spotcheck I'm not sure, but I don't want to ignore it and them continuing to be in a relationship in secret as they'd think we don't know. And I think they both need to be spoken to.

OP posts:

tansin0 · 01/07/2021 11:33

I would not be happy with this id be forcing them apart

RugratMum · 01/07/2021 12:06

@tansin0

I would not be happy with this id be forcing them apart

How do you imagine doing that? Parental disapproval is generally not enough to drive two teenagers apart. If anything it tends to push them closer together.

ragged · 01/07/2021 12:08

Clueless...

tansin0 · 01/07/2021 14:19

@RugratMum The parents shouldn't be allowing this. If needs be the stepson shouldnt be allowed to stay

RestingPandaFace · 01/07/2021 14:24

Does your DD spend any time with her Dad? In the circumstances I’d probably try and swap weekends around so that they aren’t staying at the same time for a while. Hopefully it’ll fizzle out without time together.

TheQueef · 01/07/2021 14:30

They are at school together too?

Original poster

spottydog16 · 01/07/2021 15:13

Does your DD spend any time with her Dad?

Yes, she goes to her dads once a month from Friday evening until Sunday morning/lunchtime. He lives quite far and he's busy a lot so he can't have her more and he can't have her until the Monday due to school and him working (even though me and DP work, Stepson can still stay until the Monday as he can walk to school as it isn't far at all).

They are at school together too?

Yes, but DD is in year 9 and he's in year 10. So they're not in the same lessons but they might spend time together at break times and lunches (not sure if they’d be allowed to due to covid though but I do know year 9 and 10 have their breaks and lunches at the same time).

OP posts:

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