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Original poster

DDs relationship - really don't know how to handle this

61 replies

spottydog16 · 30/06/2021 20:43

I've nced for this.

I've been with DP for 4 years, he has a 15yearold son and I have a 14 year old DD.
When they met they were 10 and 11. He stays with us EOW and sometimes more in the holidays. They have always been close and me and him get on as he's very respectful and well behaved. I also get on with his mum.

Today, his mum messaged me saying that when she picked up her son from school, she saw him kiss DD on the cheek and that she spoke to him but he said it was a ‘joke’. I checked DDs phone anyway (as I do regularly) and there's a lot of hearts between them and them saying they love each other and this weekend he's meant to come here and they have planned to watch films together. I haven't spoken to DD yet or DP as he's working away.

I just don't know how to handle this!

OP posts:
Beamur · 01/07/2021 15:21

What a nightmare.
I think you have to speak with them and be honest. Although they're not related this is a romance that cannot happen. Not while they're living in a blended family. It would just be very strange and awkward all round.
Maybe if they still had feelings for each other when they're older they could date then.
In the meantime I think perhaps you should try and arrange the weekend visiting to her Dad on one of the weekends your SS stays and think very carefully about the other weekend when residency overlaps.
It's tricky because you don't want them to feel shamed but the embarrassment all round if they date and it fizzles out (which is highly likely at this age) would be worse..

RugratMum · 01/07/2021 16:57

[quote tansin0]@RugratMum The parents shouldn't be allowing this. If needs be the stepson shouldnt be allowed to stay[/quote]
You can't ban the son from staying with his dad. I think you overestimate the power parents have in this sort of situation- they don't need to allow it for it to happen.

WaltzingBetty · 01/07/2021 19:35

[quote tansin0]@RugratMum The parents shouldn't be allowing this. If needs be the stepson shouldnt be allowed to stay[/quote]
So you advise parental alienation as a strategy? Confused
Yeah that sounds reasonable....

Original poster
spottydog16 · 01/07/2021 20:25

@Beamur it depends if her dad is busy or not, as he works some weekends.

I spoke to DD, and at first she said that they aren't in a relationship but then she admitted that they are in a relationship. She told me that they agreed to keep it a secret because a group of girls in stepsons year called them weird and told them to watch Waterloo road as that was a storyline in one of the seasons and their parents stopped them from being together (although the boy was quite a few years older than the girl) and they don't want us to do that as they love each other. I told her that we won't stop them from being together and I spoke to her about consent and boundaries etc. Not sure if that was the right thing to do but the conversation went ok.

OP posts:
Andi2020 · 01/07/2021 20:37

@spottydog16 its good that it is out in the open and take the positive side of this you know the boy and like him.
It could be alot worse if she was going out with a boy you know nothing about.
Its probably innocent watching movies cuddling.

Beamur · 01/07/2021 20:47

I think you've probably done all you can in the circumstances.
Good luck! They both seem like nice kids but this is going to be a bit awkward if it goes wrong.

tansin0 · 01/07/2021 23:19

@RugratMum they could disprove of it. Instead of just letting it happen which is irresponsible parenting

Original poster
spottydog16 · 02/07/2021 10:38

[quote Andi2020]@spottydog16 its good that it is out in the open and take the positive side of this you know the boy and like him.
It could be alot worse if she was going out with a boy you know nothing about.
Its probably innocent watching movies cuddling.[/quote]
Yes, I am glad that I know him and that he's nice.

I'm also glad the conversation with DD went well, hopefully DPs conversation with stepson goes ok later too.

OP posts:
RugratMum · 02/07/2021 10:49

[quote tansin0]@RugratMum they could disprove of it. Instead of just letting it happen which is irresponsible parenting[/quote]
Disapproving of it is basically encouraging it to happen. All that would happen is it would go underground and become more intense, in all likelihood.

RugratMum · 02/07/2021 10:53

They both seem like nice kids but this is going to be a bit awkward if it goes wrong.

That's an understatement. TBH I think it's already a bit awkward but imagine the awkwardness of bringing a GF home and introducing her to your Dad, Stepmum and Stepsister/Ex GF.

DGFB · 02/07/2021 11:36

I think you’ve done the right thing. Banning this is not an option.
It might be uncomfortable for a while but you’ll get used to it. The trickiest part will be when they break up!

JSL52 · 02/07/2021 11:45

[quote tansin0]@RugratMum The parents shouldn't be allowing this. If needs be the stepson shouldnt be allowed to stay[/quote]
Don't be ridiculous he can't not go to his Dad's

JSL52 · 02/07/2021 11:45

@tansin0

I would not be happy with this id be forcing them apart
How ? That won't work. They'll meet in secret.
OrlandointheWilderness · 02/07/2021 11:51

I think you've handled it really well op. Obviously the issue will be if they break up, but cross that bridge if it happens!

tansin0 · 02/07/2021 12:37

his dad can see him elsewhere as they shouldnt be allowing this

OrlandointheWilderness · 02/07/2021 12:41

@tansin0

his dad can see him elsewhere as they shouldnt be allowing this
Why?
tansin0 · 02/07/2021 12:54

Because they're both underage and they are under the same roof so personally I wouldn't allow it.

RugratMum · 02/07/2021 14:42

@tansin0

Because they're both underage and they are under the same roof so personally I wouldn't allow it.
But how would you 'not allow' it? It's the logistics of not allowing it that are confusing me. You don't have to actually allow it for it to happen. You can possibly stop them spending time together under your roof when you're at home (you'd have to employ some pretty Draconian measures to do so though), but the relationship itself will happen if they want it to whether you 'allow' it or not.
Manonymous · 02/07/2021 15:31

She told me that they agreed to keep it a secret because a group of girls in stepsons year called them weird

It's a shame they are getting bullied and have to keep their relationship secret. Can you help them with that or maybe help them come up with a strategy? I don't think it will be healthy for them to carry on a relationship in secret. It's stressful and difficult and makes the relationship look taboo. They could end up thinking the bullies are right and they are weird if they have to keep it secret.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/07/2021 16:23

@tansin0

his dad can see him elsewhere as they shouldnt be allowing this
Genuine question, if they aren't having sex then why not?
WaltzingBetty · 02/07/2021 16:37

@tansin0

Because they're both underage and they are under the same roof so personally I wouldn't allow it.
You aren't his dad though are you? Confused What you said is his dad can see him elsewhere as they shouldnt be allowing this and suggested that he should reduce/inconvenience his parental relationship.

What you personally would do isn't really the question, and it doesn't give you the right to dictate to others

Original poster
spottydog16 · 02/07/2021 22:38

@Manonymous

She told me that they agreed to keep it a secret because a group of girls in stepsons year called them weird

It's a shame they are getting bullied and have to keep their relationship secret. Can you help them with that or maybe help them come up with a strategy? I don't think it will be healthy for them to carry on a relationship in secret. It's stressful and difficult and makes the relationship look taboo. They could end up thinking the bullies are right and they are weird if they have to keep it secret.

I think they have been ignoring them.

DP spoke to stepson earlier and it went ok although when DP told him about the age of consent etc he told DP he didn't want to have sex yet and walked away so I think he was embarrassed.

Although, DD and stepson were watching a film in his room and DP told DD to go back to her room (which they weren't happy about!) and when I asked him why (not in front of them) he told me he doesn't want them in each others rooms at night (he was fine with them being in each others earlier though). I don't agree with him on that but I haven't said that in front of them obviously.

OP posts:
CarnationCat · 02/07/2021 22:47

This is difficult. I think all you can do is support them with consent and boundaries. If it goes wrong, it will be awkward but I don't think you should necessarily try and stop them being together.

WaltzingBetty · 03/07/2021 07:14

It sounds like it's gone well so far and the key thing now is for you and DH to agree rules and boundaries together and then ensure the DC are clear on them

JSL52 · 03/07/2021 07:38

@tansin0

Because they're both underage and they are under the same roof so personally I wouldn't allow it.
How would the dad continue his relationship with his son ? Take him to McDonald's every week ?
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