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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Step daughter

76 replies

J1975 · 30/06/2021 16:43

I really don't know where to start . I have been with my partner for 4 years and she has a 11 year old girl . I have always tried to build a relationship with her .... homework , days out , playing with her etc but tbh I have always found her annoying . She is quite spoilt ( single child after a divorce) and therefore comes across as demanding and entitled . This is getting worse now she is older . She dosnt lift a finger around the house and worse still has never been expected too. She lays on the sofa and shouts mummy mummy until her mum goes in and then she gets her what she wants . My partner does say on occasions get it yourself but never makes her really .
The SD is partially Bright, kind , funny so she is quite dull to spend time with . She is not interested in anyone's life but her own particularly me or my partners ( her mum) .
But apart from these feelings I have I continued to try hard and be patient and giving . We generally get on well .
However two significant things have happened that has caused me to really disengage myself from my SD .
Firstly she nagged for 18 months to get a puppy . Myself and my partner didn't want one because we didn't feel we had the time . But we gave in when my partner started working from home . Now only 3 months after getting him the SD pays him no attention. She dosnt walk him , barely plays with him , dosnt take care of him at all . She says it's because he jumps up and mouths ( he is teething) but it's really because she is lazy and would rather talk on the phone to her friends or watch TV. This has caused me alot of resentment because now I am getting up at 6am , doing evening walks and we are stuck in doors because he is too young to be left for long . While my SD does what she wants and my partner let's her get away with this!
The second thing is that we are getting married next year and as soon as we told SD she threw a tantrum but couldn't give any real reason of the problem . This was 3 months ago and even now she throws a strop if we discuss it in front of her or if it is mentioned by a friend or family . My partner just says she needs to get use to it .
But I am sick of it . All the lovely things she gets , attention not to mention the dog , I can only resent her attitude. My partner gets annoyed if I say this so now I just have to grit my teeth and bare it .
I am worried as I am starting to hate my SD

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 30/06/2021 16:45

Sounds like you're with the wrong partner if you can't stand her kid. Do her a favour and leave. Or step up and be a good step parent.

Original poster

J1975 · 30/06/2021 16:49

Thanks Amanda for your constructive advice or not . Also typical ignorant comeback. I am in fact a very good step parent but the issue is the parenting . There are many children that are spoilt and thus make unlikeable children .

OP posts:

Stichintime · 30/06/2021 16:51

Not sure if things are going to work out for you and your partner. It sounds like you resent her daughter. The girl is heading for teenage years and unless she has a major turnaround in her attitude you've got more of this and probably alot more to come. Sorry OP.

Ozanj · 30/06/2021 16:57

If she isn’t willing to parent her SD you can’t make her and you absolutely can’t parent her instead, but you can control what’s in your influence. Send back the puppy to the breeder if possible or a local shelter if they have one. Stop contributing to SD’s expensives if you already are (she isn’t your child) and just cover the necessities for you. I do think you need to consider leaving though - this situation isn’t going to improve.

Howshouldibehave · 30/06/2021 17:00

The SD is partially Bright, kind , funny so she is quite dull to spend time with

Partially bright?! What does that mean?!

Why does being kind and funny make her quite dull?

Pinot4evs · 30/06/2021 17:05

Yeah I don’t think this relationship is going to work out. Your dislike will become more apparent, SD will pick up on it and mum will be forced to chose between you, hopefully she’ll chose her daughter. Do everyone a favour and leave now, sounds like you need to date a child free woman.

Polkadots2021 · 30/06/2021 17:09

OP you guys were the adults in the puppy buying scenario so you could've said no - it was your choice to buy it. Kids who ask for a dog then don't look after it is a story as old as time itself (unfortunately). That's one of the billion difficult things about being a parent, these kinds of scenarios. It felt easier in the end to give in at some point, didn't it, & just get the dog? Most families face that scenario and it is a difficult but hard no from most of them if they know it's not the right choice.

Your step daughter is still very young and clearly acting out around the wedding as it's hugely destabilising for her, & she hasn't got the emotional maturity of an adult yet to handle it. Yes she has to accept it but she needs you both to be understanding of her position, too.

emptyempire · 30/06/2021 17:10

Welcome to the world of 11 year old girls! Nothing you've mentioned here is unusual for a child of this age. Surely you knew if you gave in to puppy demands, that children don't keep their promises of taking care of a pet? Unfortunately , your expectations are off, way off. Maybe you should explore family counselling or parenting classes.

Geanna2 · 30/06/2021 17:11

I think marriage is doomed to failure. Perhaps decide if you really want to be in the relationship before you go and entangle yourself in a marriage to someone who's child you harbour resentment towards because those feelings won't suddenly vanish when you marry, your partner won't suddenly change her parenting on marriage either. Perhaps the child is also resentful of you and wants her mum to herself.

Original poster

J1975 · 30/06/2021 17:13

OK thank you for the constructive advice. Don't bother replying anymore as all you all have to say is leave or its my fault .
Clearly none of you understand the complexites of a blended family and being a step parent .
Wrong place for support clearly .

OP posts:

Motnight · 30/06/2021 17:15

Honestly a lot of the behaviour you describe is typical of an 11 year old girl. Buying a puppy because a child nagged you to is ridiculous, but that's the fault of the adults involved here.

It doesn't sound as though you are working as a blended family. I personally would cut my losses and leave.

luciles · 30/06/2021 17:16

Why bother asking if you won't take anyone's advice?

Motnight · 30/06/2021 17:16

Op what do you want people to say? You have asked for advice, lots of us have told you what we think from our experience.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

66babe · 30/06/2021 17:18

Sounds like a typical kid to me
Also sounds like you don't like any advice given so what's the point ?

Howshouldibehave · 30/06/2021 17:18

Wrong place for support clearly

Well, yes. Maybe the step parenting board would have been more appropriate.

Lbnc2021 · 30/06/2021 17:20

This is only going to get worse as she gets older. You can’t make your partner be the parent to her daughter you want her to be so you’re always going to be on the edge. Getting a puppy was daft given the history. My kids nag me constantly for one but I won’t give in as I’ll be left with it and I don’t have the time for one so that one is on you and your partner.

I’m not sure what you’re wanting people to say tbh

DinosaurDiana · 30/06/2021 17:20

If you don’t like the way your partner parents then you need to separate or live apart, as this situation will most likely get worse as the child becomes a teenager.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 30/06/2021 17:20

Take the dpuppy and go. Things won't get any better.. In fact a bratty teenager will break you. Mentally and your relationship...

PurpleyBlue · 30/06/2021 17:24

I'm a step parent and I still think the dog thing was silly. At 11 it was always going to be you and your partner doing the bulk of the looking after the dog.

11 is also the start of the teenage years and you don't seem understanding of the massive change you getting married will bring. It will be the end of the idea that her parents could ever get back together. If she doesn't like you she will of course not be happy.

There is a step parents board if it's step parents in particular you want advice from.

LizzieW1969 · 30/06/2021 17:24

@Polkadots2021

Totally true re children and pets. My DDs (12 and 9) love my cats, but do they ever do anything to help look after them? No. They might occasionally feed them, but that’s the limit of their help. That’s okay, though, because they’re my cats and I do want to have them.

They ask for a puppy sometimes. The answer is no. My DH is allergic, which makes that an impossibility anyway, but it would still be no even if he wasn’t. Because I don’t want a dog, end of, they’re too much work.

Don’t get a pet unless you yourself want it. Children can’t be relied on to take responsibility for a pet, so you were bound to find yourselves stuck with the job of looking after the puppy. If you can’t do this, then yes it does need to be rehomed.

Other than that, your attitude yo your SD is very unpleasant. She might be a pain and her mum might have over indulged her, but that doesn’t warrant your hostility towards her. And calling her ‘dull’ is very unkind.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 30/06/2021 17:25

I was in a relationship with someone who had a spoiled child who was pandered to and simply wasn't parented.

Leave now, it will only get worse.

Flowers500 · 30/06/2021 17:26

I’m not really sure what you want from people, you’re getting angry when they’re just telling you the truth. At this point everything that happened (the parenting, the dog, etc.) is just water under the bridge, the problem is can you live together happily? The answer on that seems to be no. You can’t get rid of the child, you’ll have to step out. I’m not convinced there is any way to live together happily

PurpleyBlue · 30/06/2021 17:26

The SD is partially Bright, kind , funny so she is quite dull to spend time with not sure what this means either but if you are struggling to spend time with her and actively dislike her I think its best you don't get married.

Geanna2 · 30/06/2021 17:28

@PurpleyBlue

I did try to make that point but apparently the complexities are a bit beyond my own understanding as a Step Parent lol

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2021 17:29

How do you know the people replying to you aren’t step parents?

I’m one. There is no way on Earth I’d have lasted 4 years with my husband if he was the sort of skivvy push over you describe your partner to be, never mind married him. I couldn’t respect a rubbish parent and I couldn’t be attracted to or love someone I didn’t respect.

I don’t agree that all the behaviours you outline are normal or inevitable. My step daughter is 12 and has her challenges but she’s nothing like yours.

Your problem is a partner who is failing her child. Not someone you should marry.

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