Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Step daughter

76 replies

J1975 · 30/06/2021 16:43

I really don't know where to start . I have been with my partner for 4 years and she has a 11 year old girl . I have always tried to build a relationship with her .... homework , days out , playing with her etc but tbh I have always found her annoying . She is quite spoilt ( single child after a divorce) and therefore comes across as demanding and entitled . This is getting worse now she is older . She dosnt lift a finger around the house and worse still has never been expected too. She lays on the sofa and shouts mummy mummy until her mum goes in and then she gets her what she wants . My partner does say on occasions get it yourself but never makes her really .
The SD is partially Bright, kind , funny so she is quite dull to spend time with . She is not interested in anyone's life but her own particularly me or my partners ( her mum) .
But apart from these feelings I have I continued to try hard and be patient and giving . We generally get on well .
However two significant things have happened that has caused me to really disengage myself from my SD .
Firstly she nagged for 18 months to get a puppy . Myself and my partner didn't want one because we didn't feel we had the time . But we gave in when my partner started working from home . Now only 3 months after getting him the SD pays him no attention. She dosnt walk him , barely plays with him , dosnt take care of him at all . She says it's because he jumps up and mouths ( he is teething) but it's really because she is lazy and would rather talk on the phone to her friends or watch TV. This has caused me alot of resentment because now I am getting up at 6am , doing evening walks and we are stuck in doors because he is too young to be left for long . While my SD does what she wants and my partner let's her get away with this!
The second thing is that we are getting married next year and as soon as we told SD she threw a tantrum but couldn't give any real reason of the problem . This was 3 months ago and even now she throws a strop if we discuss it in front of her or if it is mentioned by a friend or family . My partner just says she needs to get use to it .
But I am sick of it . All the lovely things she gets , attention not to mention the dog , I can only resent her attitude. My partner gets annoyed if I say this so now I just have to grit my teeth and bare it .
I am worried as I am starting to hate my SD

OP posts:

Geanna2 · 30/06/2021 17:30

@J1975

OK thank you for the constructive advice. Don't bother replying anymore as all you all have to say is leave or its my fault . Clearly none of you understand the complexites of a blended family and being a step parent . Wrong place for support clearly .

I'm sure you'll have a long and happy marriage 😊

PurpleyBlue · 30/06/2021 17:31

Geanna2 ah yes sorry, missed your post

Geanna2 · 30/06/2021 17:31

@AnneLovesGilbert

How do you know the people replying to you aren’t step parents?

I’m one. There is no way on Earth I’d have lasted 4 years with my husband if he was the sort of skivvy push over you describe your partner to be, never mind married him. I couldn’t respect a rubbish parent and I couldn’t be attracted to or love someone I didn’t respect.

I don’t agree that all the behaviours you outline are normal or inevitable. My step daughter is 12 and has her challenges but she’s nothing like yours.

Your problem is a partner who is failing her child. Not someone you should marry.

That and a step father who doesn't understand the complexities himself.....

Sleeplessem · 30/06/2021 17:33

Sounds like SD needs some boundaries and responsibility but as the SP, it’s not really for you to put these in place.

Can you communicate to your partner about a dog walking and dog feeding schedule, sounds a bit arbitrary but a chore chart? You can explain that you don’t want this all to fall on you and your partner and SP wanted a dog so it’s fair she walks the dog too.

When you say she’s dull, well that’s a matter of opinion. Is it possible you’re not really a kid person. SD is coming out to bring a teenager and what you’ve described is pretty typical behaviour. This is where some roles and responsibilities come into play.

Re her not being onboard yet with your marriage, ive not been in this situation but I’d imagine this is common as likely In her mind you might be the barrier for her parents getting back together.

Do you have any shared interests? Even if really small? Xx

motogogo · 30/06/2021 17:33

The dog situation could easily be predicted, thousands, millions of families have had that experience! The refusing to mention the wedding is trickier but probably down to the fact it's proof her parents aren't together.

No idea what my DD's would say if we decide to marry, but I'm guessing they might struggle a bit (no chance currently as I've not sorted the paperwork out yet aka divorce!)

Malena77 · 30/06/2021 17:36

OP - I’m sorry you are getting such a battering here. Teenage years are difficult for girls and I’d say it’s a safe bet her behaviour will only become more challenging in the years to come. Here are your options:

leave
agree with DP on a UNITED parenting front (this requires a compromise and change from both of you)
if no 2 is impossible- stay in this relationship but detach as much as possible from any engagement in parenting (with your partner’s understanding why you do so).

Gilda152 · 30/06/2021 17:38

@J1975

You sound awful, sorry. Before you flounced I thought you were just having a hard time stepping up but now, nope you're definitely a BIG part of the problem. Childish much?

And FFS buying a puppy???! For a verging on hormonal child? What the fuck were you thinking? Clownish behaviour from two adults.

Lovemusic33 · 30/06/2021 17:39

She sounds like any other 11 year old, I think it’s pretty normal behaviour for pre teens and teens, children are generally selfish and lazy unless made to do things.

Describing a child as “dull to be with” because she’s bright is just shocking, my dd is bright and not dull at all, she is however lazy and can be selfish. People like you are the reason why I chose to remain single until my kids have left home, I wouldn’t want anyone around my kids who would describe them as ‘spoilt’ or ‘dull’. As for the puppy….what a stupid thing to buy her, she’s 11 FFS, what did you expect?

whichwayisup · 30/06/2021 17:42

I have no experience of being a step parent, however I've a reasonable amount of experience of 11 year old girls and can confirm that they are likely to beg for a dog for 18 months and then expect mum and dad to do everything. Any 11 year old who doesn't do that is and exception.

Playing up when the wedding was announced is also very normal.

So the two big examples were poor. The stuff about her brightness and dullness made no sense.

But most importantly, you don't sound like you like the step daughter. I'd have thought you need to kind of fall in love with the mum and the kids to make such a commitment. I feel sorry for the little girl. At her age she needs to be surrounded by love not this.

cheeseismydownfall · 30/06/2021 17:43

OP, it sounds like you have tried to do the right thing, but you haven't managed to create a loving bond with your SD. I don't judge you for it - I think the ability to genuinely love (or even like) someone else's child isn't in all of us - it definitely isn't in me - and if your SD has some less than desirable behaviours because of lack of parenting then of course it is going to be even harder. You're just being honest. Children are people, and some are easier to love than others.

But I don't know what advice to give you though, other than letting the relationship go. It is highly unlikely that time alone is going to see anything improve, and it may well get worse, not better. No matter what your DD's shortcomings are, she is just a child, and deserves a home where she is loved by everyone in it. It will be so very damaging to her to grow up with a SF who actively dislikes her. Really it should be her mother who is recognising this and prioritising her daughter. But if she isn't, then it is down to you to do the right thing and walk away.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 30/06/2021 17:44

You don't have a SD problem, you have a SD DM problem. Some of the replies on here are harsh. The OP is only being honest. I would sit your partner down and explain how you're feeling...she may buck her ideas up...she may not.

Gilda152 · 30/06/2021 17:44

@cheeseismydownfall I would put money on it OP is a woman.

Polkadots2021 · 30/06/2021 17:45

@J1975

Well it's called Mumsnet & it has a lot of mums, so it's obviously the right place for support. I think your expectations of both Mumsnet - & your SD - are off. Tbh I don't think you are ready to be a parent.

SarahBellam · 30/06/2021 17:47

You have a partner problem. She is not parenting her daughter properly and letting her get away with poor behaviour. The dog is hers, not yours - tell the girl and her mother that it is their job to look after it, not yours. Sort things out with your partner or call it quits

FinallyHere · 30/06/2021 17:47

but the issue is the parenting .

PPs may not have worded it very tactfully but what it comes down to , is that this is not the right relationship for you.

I say this as a SM myself, it won't get better.

CoolCatTaco · 30/06/2021 17:48

I also think OP is a woman!

Gilda152 · 30/06/2021 17:49

@FinallyHere agree with you, not the right relationship. And certainly OP is not the right step parent for this child - not by a very long shot.

frogswimming · 30/06/2021 17:53

As everyone has said the dog thing was predictable! I have ten year old boys and they love our puppy dearly, but that does not mean they are going to look after it or play with it!! That's to be expected, they are only growing into that kind of responsibility.

Perhaps she can pick up on your dislike for her. That might be another reason she's upset about the wedding. Tween children are annoying and self centred, it's really not within their capabilities to be interested in other people. If you love them then it's less annoying, it's even charming in a way. Unfortunately you don't. Perhaps some research on children's behaviour at different ages would help you accept her. Or even volunteering as a coach or something similar for kids the same age, so you know you're not alone with a child like that!

Gilda152 · 30/06/2021 17:57

This has really annoyed me arrgh!

Saying a load of shitty things, then flouncing when people disagree.

If OP's wife to be can read this...RUN.

Maskedrevenger · 30/06/2021 17:59

Regardless of step daughter or biological daughter, getting the puppy was a mistake if you didn’t want one. Surely as an adult you could see that an 11 year old girl was not going to be safe walking a dog on their own early in the morning or late at night even if they wanted to. Also if the dog is long lived then the girl could grow up and move away from home and you still have the dog. Don’t blame the child for your poor decision making.
As for the rest, well I can only echo pp I don’t think that this is the relationship for you.

girl71 · 30/06/2021 18:19

She is 11 yrs old!!!! My sons did this with our cat and the guinea pigs. I knew it would be ultimately me , looking after day to day, we loved/love our furry family. She is 11yrs old!!!!

I had a blended family Op ( my 2 DS's , now grown). How many DC's do you have Op? How have your children adapted to this new family dynamic?

In my experience 11yr olds are far from dull. She is a child, you are a grown up. This relationship is not working for you so walk away.

She is an 11 yr old child, dealing not only with separated parents but her mums newish ( 4yr ) relationship. She (DD) has expectations as and, makes promises, like every other 11 yr old child. She is a child and her mum seems to be doing her best to minimise the stress of these changes on her child. We cannot protect our children from the world but, it looks like mum is trying to give her daughter some small outlets and security, in order to minimise the impact of the changes she has experienced. To say a child is "dull" is really appalling. Are your children dull op?

This relationship is solely about you and what you want and need. A relationship with a mum of a young child , is clearly not for you. The child is the VIP in this relationship, not you. This is the role of a parent, to protect and raise their child in a secure and loving environment. You are asking and expecting too much. You may need to establish a relationship with someone child free ...and allergic to animals.

Worldwide2 · 30/06/2021 18:21

Maybe your step daughter finds you dull and not particularly bright?
You sound quite bratty yourself flouncing off when no one agrees with you.

GetTaeFuck · 30/06/2021 18:21

Don’t get a dog and expect an 11YO to take care of it is my now useless advice, what an utterly ridiculous thing to do.

girl71 · 30/06/2021 18:43

"partially Bright".

She has the measure of you though.

"This has caused me alot of resentment because now I am getting up at 6am , doing evening walks and we are stuck in doors because he is too young to be left for long ".

Oohh, so this is really all about you. That's ( dog) child parenting for you! Did you expect a full nights sleep and lie in with a child in the hse? My eldest is 21, i still lie awake all night, waiting for him to come home. DSD was 7 when you met her mum, she is still only 11.

This is the blended family you have now created and committed to. Leave , if it is too much for you. Dog will be fine and loved.

jimmyjammy001 · 30/06/2021 19:49

Op there is no constructive advice anybody can give you on here, you've agreed to date somebody who has got children and with that brings alot of complexitys to a relationship which you will just have to put up with, they aren't your DD so you don't have a say in how they are brought up or if you would parent differently, take it from people who have been in this situation before, the only way is to leave or tolerate it, I know that's not what you want to hear but it is literally the only way, good luck with that ever you choose.

Flip

1 2 3 4