Step daughter

[J1975]

I really don't know where to start . I have been with my partner for 4 years and she has a 11 year old girl . I have always tried to build a relationship with her .... homework , days out , playing with her etc but tbh I have always found her annoying . She is quite spoilt ( single child after a divorce) and therefore comes across as demanding and entitled . This is getting worse now she is older . She dosnt lift a finger around the house and worse still has never been expected too. She lays on the sofa and shouts mummy mummy until her mum goes in and then she gets her what she wants . My partner does say on occasions get it yourself but never makes her really .
The SD is partially Bright, kind , funny so she is quite dull to spend time with . She is not interested in anyone's life but her own particularly me or my partners ( her mum) .
But apart from these feelings I have I continued to try hard and be patient and giving . We generally get on well .
However two significant things have happened that has caused me to really disengage myself from my SD .
Firstly she nagged for 18 months to get a puppy . Myself and my partner didn't want one because we didn't feel we had the time . But we gave in when my partner started working from home . Now only 3 months after getting him the SD pays him no attention. She dosnt walk him , barely plays with him , dosnt take care of him at all . She says it's because he jumps up and mouths ( he is teething) but it's really because she is lazy and would rather talk on the phone to her friends or watch TV. This has caused me alot of resentment because now I am getting up at 6am , doing evening walks and we are stuck in doors because he is too young to be left for long . While my SD does what she wants and my partner let's her get away with this!
The second thing is that we are getting married next year and as soon as we told SD she threw a tantrum but couldn't give any real reason of the problem . This was 3 months ago and even now she throws a strop if we discuss it in front of her or if it is mentioned by a friend or family . My partner just says she needs to get use to it .
But I am sick of it . All the lovely things she gets , attention not to mention the dog , I can only resent her attitude. My partner gets annoyed if I say this so now I just have to grit my teeth and bare it .
I am worried as I am starting to hate my SD

😂 you actually thought a 11 year old would look after a puppy get up 6am and walk it pick up it’s shit and piss and feed it 😂😂😂
I know who is being pretty thick in this case and it’s not the 11 year old
At that age they have the attention span of a puppy 😂😂😂

@J1975

OK thank you for the constructive advice. Don't bother replying anymore as all you all have to say is leave or its my fault . Clearly none of you understand the complexites of a blended family and being a step parent . Wrong place for support clearly .

Your poor stepdaughter. Your acting like a spoilt child.

This is a normal behaviour for 11 year old BUT the role of parent is to correct that behaviour, guide and teach a child to do better. That's why children have parents.

I would not expect 11 year old to take full responsibility for a dog but I would absolutely insisted that they take some responsibility along adults.

You need to have a serious conversation with your partner and think about what you can do to get on the same page. You need to be very sensitive when you approach her because she's likely to take things personally and feel attacked /defensive but if you want to be together you absolutely have to deal with this issue first.
Blended families require lots of patience, acceptance and communication. It can work but it takes effort.

I also really hate when people on this site advise others to wait many months or even more then a year to introduce new partners to their children. Kids don't get damaged by meeting new people. Yes it's important to keep it low key and make sure they don't get attached but single parents come as a package and it's important to see early on how the dynamics of family work, how they parent and how the children behave before deciding to make it serious.

I have a blended family. My DSC fit well into our rules because DH and myself parent the same. The rules I have for DD are the rules they follow. Took a few times to correct behaviours but they know what is and is not acceptable in our home and they like their freedoms and boundaries. The issue you have is you DP has made lax rules and you are in a tough position. You cannot change the rules alone. You need to ask yourself if you have a shared child would you be happy with those rules for them? I would suggest you and DP have a good chat about what you want the house rules to be and if they do not match then unfortunately your relationship with struggle. All the love in the world cannot make a relationship work if you have fundamental differences. If my DSC turned up and ruled the roost I wouldn't have married him because we would clash too much.

With regards to kids meeting early. Its rubbish. We pretty much lived together straight away. Kids got on with me and him and we are happily married. You could wait 2 years and then things can go to shit. As long as the kids know they are a priority and can be honest with you it works. If my DD had not liked my DH we wouldn't have progressed. Had I have fallen in love and 12 months down the line she had hated him there would have been a rediculous amount of heartache involved.

@Qwertyyui "If my DD had not liked my DH we wouldn't have progressed"

How about if your now DH had 'always found DD annoying' - which is what the OP said about her SD. Always. From day 1.They never had any intention of trying to embrace this child. Children are annoying sometimes no doubt about it, but OP resent this child's presence in their life and has done from the start. They are literally a nightmare to have entered this poor kids life.

Some kids are bloody annoying. Especially if spoiled brats. So I sympathise there. But buying a puppy for a brat is never good. Just makes them more spoiled. Buying the pup was a silly thing. I think your partner should pick up some slack with that.

I get you love your partner but the kid is there to stay. If I were you, I build a good relationship with the dog and start learning to fish and go on long weekends away with the hound.

@Gilda152 I think he does find her annoying! Ha all kids are annoying. My DSC are also annoying. We talk it through though and work together when issues arise. Had he of really had an issue I am not sure he would have broken up with me for it. However she would have sensed it and discussed it with me and therefore would have created an issue?

Ultimately the OP doesn't have a SD issue she has a DP who parents differently. I for one couldn't parent like that and would need to leave.

If you are committed to the relationship and the family, how about adopting a ' start as you mean to go on' approach?
Perhaps get some joint parenting classes, or engage some sort help which will help you all communicate, and build a healthy relationship.

FWIW, your partner is failing the child, and you should now assume the dog is yours

Ugh she sounds like my ex’s daughter. She was One of the reasons he’s an ex lol

Honestly you should call it quits because I promise you it will never get better. Your partners parenting style conflicts with yours and hers allows the kid to rule the household and it won’t ever change. But if you want to stay (no way I could) I would give the poor puppy back (actually I would leave with the puppy as I prefer them over spoilt, disrespectful children lol) and try to disengage (which I wasn’t able to do) and deal with her as little as possible.

11 is too young to be independently walking a dog. Puppies need proper training and most 11 year old would need significant support with that. Kids that ages are still learning about responsibility and consequences. If her mum isn't fussed there's not much you can do without looking like the bad guy.

If you didn't want a puppy, you shouldn't have bought the puppy. That's on you.

You don't like her. She will sense that. Doesn't matter how much you say you 'get on', your post drips with disdain for her. She will know that's how you feel.

It sounds as though you don't have first hand experience of kids and given your attitude towards her, I'd be inclined to suggest you end the relationship and start on one with a new partner without kids.

I have a 10 year old. They aren’t known for taking an interest in their parents lives. They are pretty self absorbed still. Mine does some chores but only if I police it. I’d never get her a dog and expect her to actually do any of the hard work that goes with it.

I think your expectations are unreasonable and the poor kid can probably feel your resentment.

Please don't take advice to stay and disengage from a child member of the family 🙄 that's cretinous advice given by selfish adults who want to be the centre of their partners attention over children in the home and a great way to give a child early trauma. FFs. We hate when men stonewall women but some of us are fine recommending stonewalling children! Idiotic!!

@J1975
I think sitting down with the both of them and try to work out the issues between you all.
Get it all out in the open.
I do not think your relationship is over, not for a second 11 year old's are difficult. We were all that age once and can relate to how we all were.
Set her a timetable for the puppies routine. Show her how to train the puppy to not bite, (Eg Re direct the biting with a toy etc.)
Get her to teach the pup a new trick every week and she will soon start to enjoy the doh she has always wanted.

Brace yourself for the teen years.

But yes it does sound like her mum is spoiling her.

My kids speak really disrespectfully to my ex and I know it annoys his gf. They wouldn't speak like that to me because I don't accept it.

My kids went on for years to get a dog, promised they would look after it, walk it and so on. But I only got my dog when I wanted one and was willing to do most of the care. First year, my eldest did lots of care and then her social life really kicked in and now she barely does anything. I can count on one hand the amount of times the kids have walked him this year.

So, please don't think your SD is unusual. She behaves pretty typically for her age. And it will probably get worse through her teenage years. You either speak to your partner and persuade her to parent differently, or you accept that this is the way it is and stop resenting and disliking your SD. And if you can't do that then you should split.

Your SD's behaviours don't sound all that dissimilar to my two (13 and 15) but they are kids so I don't expect them to behave as adults. Children/young people are pretty much selfish but not necessarily intentionally...they haven't had the life experience yet to make them otherwise. Which is fine if it's your kid/s as you love them unconditionally and see their good side but frustrating if they are not yours.

This is one of the reasons I won't move in with my partner while my kids live at home, let alone get married. My parenting choices are mine to make (and their dad's) and I won't have anyone else tell me how to parent them.

YABU about the puppy. 98% of children fail to follow through on their promises to care for a family pet, so you should only get a dog when it’s something you want for the family, not because you think an 11yo will live up to their promise to care for it.

In terms of the other issues, you need to tackle these with your partner. Your SD doesn’t sound very happy - lack of boundaries and too much screen time will do that to a child. You and your partner need to implement a strategy helping her towards better habits and nicer manners. If you can’t get your partner on board with this you need to seriously consider if you want to marry; you’ve got years of raising this girl ahead of you, and if you and her mum aren’t a united team it’s going to be miserable for everyone involved.

Either learn to love her or leave. She doesn’t deserve the alternative.

I'm not sure if you are checking on replies anymore but i'm a single mum to an 11yr old boy and it took me getting into a relationship to realise how much i was letting him get away with. He's an only child and he ruled the house without me realising it. He also had no siblings so got his way all the time and usually toys/games etc as well. So for him this sort of lifestyle was normal. We decided that game time was to be earned so were late nights and seeing friends we put together a list of chores that would be easy enough for him to do and super helpful for me. An incentive was also he could earn some money as well. I don't like how you called the little girl dull, this isn't very nice and i'm sure wouldn't be appreciated by her mum. I now see i needed to clearly establish the parent/son role better and set boundaries especially with the teenage years literally around the corner. It's easy as a single mum to one child to see them as littler than they are, or this is at least my opinion. Happy to say my son is much more helpful and realises he has to earn game time/seeing friends by doing the chores we set him which include (can you guess) taking the puppy i got him for walks and playing with her. He know's however much time is spent with her he can double it and spend it doing whatever he would like. But and i could be wrong i don't know think it is common for step-children to make step-parents lives easy....

Im 99% sure the OP has stopped reading these replies but just in case you are still here.....

You do not come across as a very tollerant or nice person, you're responses here are snappy and you have spoken horribly about your SD.

Do the kid a favour and let her mum find a nice partner, you sound like a horrible step parent.

Also how naive to think an 11 year old was going to look after the puppy. I mean COME ON.

Don't go getting nasty because you don't want to face the blindingly obvious.

Your partner is not going to change the way she deals with her child. That is obvious.

Her child is not going to magically transform into the person you think she ought to be. That is also obvious.

What advice is good enough for you?

The ingredients for an Obey Me spell?
Nag and nag and nag and moan and complain hoping your partner will become so worn down by you that she will do things your way?

Start yelling at your stepdaughter and generally threatening her and bullying her until she does what you want?

Threaten your partner and say either you do things my way or I'm leaving?

I'm assuming you have spoken to your partner about all this. If you have clearly communicated your feelings and things haven't changed then they won't change because your partner doesn't agree with you that they need to. You aren't in charge of how your partner raises her child.

So what are your options here? Your actual options not your tell me how to wave a magic wand and make everything how I want it options.

As a reasonable human being you could open your eyes and accept this isn't working out and marrying her won't magically change the things you don't like.

Accept it or walk away. That's what it boils down to. They are the choices that you are in control of. Whether you like hearing it or not.

To the pps who didn't understand part of the OP's complaint, I think s/he meant to type that the SD is NOT "particulary" bright, funny etc?

Poor kid

@Flyg I think they stopped reading and flounced the moment people didnt get on board with hating on their SD with them. OP sounds just as spolied and the childish as they believe the 11 year old to be - without the excuse of being a child.

@AnneLovesGilbert

How do you know the people replying to you aren’t step parents?

I’m one. There is no way on Earth I’d have lasted 4 years with my husband if he was the sort of skivvy push over you describe your partner to be, never mind married him. I couldn’t respect a rubbish parent and I couldn’t be attracted to or love someone I didn’t respect.

I don’t agree that all the behaviours you outline are normal or inevitable. My step daughter is 12 and has her challenges but she’s nothing like yours.

Your problem is a partner who is failing her child. Not someone you should marry.

Agree with this. I would leave OP. The situation with the child will only get worse.

What is it you want people to say.

You can't stand your SD because of the way your partner parents her.

So where is the relationship going? That's 2 huge life problems.

Her mum couldn't say no to a puppy and, god knows why you did. To make her mum happy? So you weren't seen as the bad guy? You are doing what her parents do. No one wants to be the bad guy

Then you complain she doesn't look after it. She is 11. You expect her to know how to train bite inhibition? And walk the dog alone?

But yes, it will all be hearts and roses. Crack on. Its never going to end with you 2 divorcing or SD getting worse as she realises you dislike her and hits her teenager.

Its going to be loads of fun! No problems at all. Even though non of the adults will take responsibility for the decisions they make.