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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and old girlfriend

62 replies

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 12:40

Hi,
My husband has recently been meeting up with a group of old school friends.
They have met twice in a couple of months- all guys, one girl.
I was using a computer in the house today and stumbled across the messages. There were separate messages from the woman, who turns out to be his old school gf, they split when they went to uni-over 20 years ago.
She had messaged with opening of ‘might be inappropriate’ but then said something about wishing she’d asked him questions when he gave her a lift home after their meal (he doesn’t drink).
She basically was asking why he dumped her 20yrs ago and ended with a x, he replied explaining it was logistics, also copied, and ended with a x…
There was nothing to the messages and she apologised for being drunk in a text this morning and thanked him for the lift..

However, I would never have known any of this of it hadn’t been left open, and if I hadn’t used the comp. he still doesn’t know that I know.

He was pleasant in the messages and all referred to school days but I think it’s odd. She doesn’t have a job atm and I know she is probably enjoying that he texted back at all- and copied her x.

I don’t feel like I can tell him I read his messages and there’s technically nothing to it apart from an uneasy feeling.. I just find it odd that she’s the only woman and it seems a bit deliberate and I think it’s inappropriate he messaged back and worse that he’s not told me any of this.

How would you approach this?

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 30/06/2021 12:50

tbh it doesn't sound that bad, I wouldn't be ecstatic about the x but those messages are awkward sometimes and people kind of feel like it would be rude not to if the person messaging them signed off with an x, it doesn't really mean anything much on texts. His message sounded polite but not encouraging her in anyway. I wouldn't do anything right now if I were you, just keep an eye on things

Original poster

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 13:01

Thanks, this was actually my initial thought too. Then I spoke to my cousin and she made me question it!

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 30/06/2021 13:03

Not really sure why her not having a job is relevant. Implication being she was just sitting about all day waiting on a mans reply? Bit of a low blow op :/

Doesn't sound inappropriate to me convo wise. She asked, he answered. One x is friend territory.

Assuming you know for sure they went out as an actual group? I'd keep an eye on things (his personality, moods and actions. Not his texts) if your gut isn't happy about it. But as is, I wouldn't expect him to even feel the need to mention it to you. It was a private convo and you were out of order to read his messages.

Bluntness100 · 30/06/2021 13:05

Sounds like he’s just being polite and friendly in the face of an awkward situation to me. And he either didn’t think anything of it so didn’t mention it or he knows you’re a jealous person so didn’t to avoid unwarranted issues.

BarryTheKestrel · 30/06/2021 13:07

I wouldn't be too worried if I were you. I x almost every message and have to physically stop myself at work and on here because it's an ingrained habit. It means nothing but a lot of people follow convention in response, so if formal respond formal, if full of smiley faces add your own etc.

I often meet with old school friends and am the only female in the group as the 2 others who were part of the group have long since moved away. I dated one of the group in high school, 15 years ago, it was a nothing relationship then and it's only friendship now.

I honestly wouldn't be concerned.

MindTheBumps · 30/06/2021 13:11

This doesn't sound sinister to me. maybe nostalgia on her part but certainly nothing inappropriate in your DH responses.

Original poster

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 13:12

The point about the job, is that she is also single and lost her job and admitted to living in the past a lot or something, which is why she enjoys these meet ups. She is obviously struggling a bit with the present, wasn’t meant as a low blow but as a reason as to why she’s indulging in things that happened a long time ago.
I’m certainly not jealous, and don’t really ask loads of questions about this- he enjoys going, it’s fine. He doesn’t really go out drinking or that type of thing usually.
I know you’re not to read people’s messages etc, but I also think most people would if it happened to be there. Especially because I hadn’t even realised most of the background as he hadn’t divulged. So either he does think I would react badly, or he feels it’s a bit off so doesn’t mention it.
It’s definitely a group of them- he has pics (although he tried to only show me ones of just the guys) and I know a couple of the guys that go. It was just her that got a lift home.
I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, I just wanted this to be validated in some way 🤷‍♀️ We’re not all perfect, and I could resist reading. I’m not paying for it now!

OP posts:

Original poster

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 13:13

*now paying for it- as in over thinking

OP posts:

Original poster

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 13:14

*couldn’t resist reading 🙈

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 30/06/2021 13:17

The only thing that's odd is that you didn't know they dated for a bit. That seems weird. But I think it's perfectly fine and it's not that weird that she's in the past and wanting clarity and he's giving it. It would be different if they were going off for long walks to rehash why their relationship ended 20 years ago blah blah. But this seems perfectly fine.

I had a brief conversation of this sort with a male friend a few years ago. He was going through a divorce and we were having a drink and the slightly fluid nature of our relationship in our early twenties came up. I think it was just part of his process of trying to understand what he was doing/had done and how he could/should move forward post divorce. There was no longing, no big emotional discussions etc. We never dated, nor did either of us ever want to date but I think he was just trying to get his head around what had driven his decision making in the past, before he started a new single life again.

parsnipsnotsprouts · 30/06/2021 13:18

Erm well how soon did he reply to her initial message out of interest? I would keep an eye on it. Don’t let on you’ve seen the messages because he would then hide any further communication.
I doubt the woman is a significant romantic threat given that he dumped her but if he’s bored/ you’re having any issues/ needs an ego stroke she may be a nice easy sexual option

ZenNudist · 30/06/2021 13:21

Nothing to worry about. His behaviour was fine. 1 x is friendly / sign off. You don't even know if she likes him or if her confidence is in the toilet and is looking for answers. If it were hush hush he would have hidden the messages.

KirstenBlest · 30/06/2021 13:23

It's suspicious. Watch out for red flags.

Him giving her a lift home is well dodgy.

Original poster

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 13:26

@parsnipsnotsprouts

Erm well how soon did he reply to her initial message out of interest? I would keep an eye on it. Don’t let on you’ve seen the messages because he would then hide any further communication. I doubt the woman is a significant romantic threat given that he dumped her but if he’s bored/ you’re having any issues/ needs an ego stroke she may be a nice easy sexual option

I think he replied fairly quickly. He said he apologised because he didn’t treat her well and she said ‘oh good because you were my whole world’ 🙄 He told her it’s all fine because it’s good to talk (he isn’t usually this open with communication..so seems he’s trying to portray himself in a certain way). I do think that type of response will be an ego stroke for him tbh. I do think he’ll enjoy that she said that- he didn’t acknowledge it or anything but he responds well to praise.

OP posts:

Sexlife · 30/06/2021 13:29

Just sounds like she wanted to clear up things from the past and was drunk.

Saidtoomuch · 30/06/2021 13:29

It sounds okay, she was inappropriate but he wasn't. I would tell him you saw it but laugh it off in a lighthearted way - kind of "x is a bit keen, isn't she!" I see pretty much all of my DH's messages and he could mine, just because we share equipment and pick up each others phones to Google etc.

abigailsnan · 30/06/2021 13:43

To me a x at the end of a text is just like a kiss on the cheek when meeting or departing company so please don't put too much into it.
He was probably being polite answering the text.I would ask him if had heard from anyone since the meal and see what he say's,he may come clean about her text if not keep a sharp eye on things

2021DNA · 30/06/2021 14:06

Why can’t you tell him you have read the messages? You say you stumbled across the messages. Assuming there was no snooping on your part I’d have though it would be important to communicate with your husband? 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 14:09

@2021DNA

He wouldn’t have been expecting me to use the computer at all today. I don’t want to make a thing of it if it’s just random drunk messages from this woman.

Like I said earlier, he’s not actually the best at communicating so he’s actually showing a more amiable side of himself through these messages- perhaps tinged with nostalgia.
He’s actually usually quite defensive and he definitely wouldn’t have a calm conversation about it- he would become defensive and start accusing me of making things into a big deal etc.
So I only want to do this, if it’s definitely warranted. And atm, I don’t think it is. But I will keep an eye on it.

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 30/06/2021 15:23

@Michellexxx, are there any other messages from the woman and are the reunions definitely legit?

Sorry, it might just be me but I smell a rat.

Unlike nearly everyone else on MN, I think that a single woman is a bit of a threat, especially if it is a newly single old friend. (Been there, got the scars - she was a damsel in distress, he felt sorry for her).

Look at other messages.Keep your eyes peeled for red flags.

His behaviour might change. Secretiveness with his phone. Going out more, taking care of his appearance, nipping out to B&Q and coming back three hours later minus the sandpaper or whatever it was he went for, a new friend you've not heard of before he's helping a lott with a project, changes in intimacy, ... then it will be The Script.

I'd tell him you saw the message and that you don't think it is appropriate for him to be giving her lifts.

seensome · 30/06/2021 15:31

Has he ever admitted it was his ex gf?
I would keep an eye on the messages, does he have messages from others in the group and have much to say about them all? I'm hoping for your sake it's not just their meeting.

Original poster

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 15:49

It’s definitely a group meeting- there’s a group chat that they’re all in and they all discuss the evening and have pictures etc.

There aren’t too many messages from her, just the handful from last night and a few beforehand- but they didn’t really say anything- just general discussion about random things.
She wrote that she was drunk and had the fear and was sorry.
But no, he hasn’t actually admitted that she’s his ex..and obviously hasn’t said anything about her messaging him. When she initially wrote that she wished she’d used the opportunity to ask him questions, he said go ahead. So he did somewhat invite it.

I don’t want to expose the fact I read the messages because I don’t want him to start hiding and logging out of everything. I might just ask who each person is etc and see how much he’s will to divulge.

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 30/06/2021 18:43

I'm probably being over-suspicious, but it's still a bit off him giving her a lift. He may be completely trustworthy but it's not ideal for him to be in such close proximity to an old flame.

Original poster

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 19:40

I agree it seems a bit iffy..which is why I posted. I think he is probably enjoying the attention from it, and if that’s all, and there’s no more messages etc, then fine.
But I am going to keep my eyes peeled!

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 30/06/2021 19:49

Sorry to be so negative, but flirty tipsy old flame in a small space...

it's not on.

Sorry.

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