Husband and old girlfriend

[Michellexxx]

Hi,
My husband has recently been meeting up with a group of old school friends.
They have met twice in a couple of months- all guys, one girl.
I was using a computer in the house today and stumbled across the messages. There were separate messages from the woman, who turns out to be his old school gf, they split when they went to uni-over 20 years ago.
She had messaged with opening of ‘might be inappropriate’ but then said something about wishing she’d asked him questions when he gave her a lift home after their meal (he doesn’t drink).
She basically was asking why he dumped her 20yrs ago and ended with a x, he replied explaining it was logistics, also copied, and ended with a x…
There was nothing to the messages and she apologised for being drunk in a text this morning and thanked him for the lift..

However, I would never have known any of this of it hadn’t been left open, and if I hadn’t used the comp. he still doesn’t know that I know.

He was pleasant in the messages and all referred to school days but I think it’s odd. She doesn’t have a job atm and I know she is probably enjoying that he texted back at all- and copied her x.

I don’t feel like I can tell him I read his messages and there’s technically nothing to it apart from an uneasy feeling.. I just find it odd that she’s the only woman and it seems a bit deliberate and I think it’s inappropriate he messaged back and worse that he’s not told me any of this.

How would you approach this?

@KirstenBlest

I'm assuming that you live in a happy secure world where affairs and emotional affairs don't happen

Me? I don't know where you got them from any of my posts? I just don't think that every man will always take the opportunity whenever it presents itself, If I thought that I'd never have gotten married at all and I'd wonder why anyone else does

OP, any possibility of you going along and joining DH for the next meet up? “Ooh, I’m free that night, I’d love to meet all your old mates and hear about your schooldays”
Then you could be all over DH in front of the ex. And suss her out…

It was directed at you and others.

I know some women who will go all out to get a man. The DH's friend might not be one of them, but the 'why did you dump me?' message was a bit odd.

It can be very flattering to have someone show an interest in you.

Cars are convenient places for having a snog.

@KirstenBlest

It was directed at you and others.

I know some women who will go all out to get a man. The DH's friend might not be one of them, but the 'why did you dump me?' message was a bit odd.

It can be very flattering to have someone show an interest in you.

Cars are convenient places for having a snog.

Well Listen, I can assure you that I'm well aware people can and do cheat, I'm a 40 something year old woman I do think the woman was testing the waters in her messages but I feel like the OPs husbands responses were polite but not at all entertaining her so I don't see (so far) what the OP has to worry about. If she can't even trust him to be in a car with someone then what's the point? You can't go through life thinking -I trust my husband mostly but not if he's alone in a car with a woman. Also, you can be flattered but not cheat as well.

You don't describe your husband in flattering terms op, between him being egotistical, a blow hole about his title and would be unpleasant and argumentative if you query anything?

Is it true?

Him giving her a lift is not an issue but if has that fragile an ego that he likes stroking and she's up for it, you never know.

Keep an eye out is all you can do.

Vain men are so vulnerable to having their ego massaged.🙄

I wouldn’t call him egotistical, but when reuniting with people, he would like to think people thought that he has done well.

I’m not worried about the messages and I don’t think anything happened in the car etc. I’m sure she was looking for a bit of attention and is in a lonely place.

I’m going to subtly suss things out- I can’t go along as we can’t get babysitters easily, and it is a school thing. I don’t want to sound big headed, but I’m fairly certain she isn’t his type anymore and he certainly doesn’t seem at all interested. I’m sure that physicality doesn’t always matter in these cases but I don’t think there’s much to it.

I’m guessing he doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

My husband had an affair in these circumstances.

I would not be happy with him lying by omission, about the fact they've dated, given her a lift home or been messaging. Or trying to avoid showing you photos with her on.

If it was no big deal op, he would have mentioned it.

Quick update: was chatting to husband about upcoming plans re social diaries. He said he doesn’t think he’s going to anymore of the school meet ups as the nostalgia is kind of gone after 2 meet ups. He maybe has realised her messages were a bit out of sorts, or is genuinely bored by it🤷‍♀️
So, kind of wish I’d never found the messages in the first place!

Thanks for the update Michellexxx.

I'd still keep an eye out for any red flags but it does seem like he's a keeper.

Have a good weekend.

Ah very pleased for you OP! He's a good man and if nothing, this should prove that even in the face of temptation he can remain respectful and decent.

[quote KirstenBlest]@AryaStarkWolf, you can set boundaries.

@Lovelydiscusfish, it's one thing going looking for opportunities and another one to have it handed on a plate.[/quote]
This is interesting, and maybe to an extent you’re right…..

My default position has always been, if a person wants to cheat they’ll cheat, and your problem lies in the fact that they want to cheat, so it’s wasted effort trying to limit one’s partner’s options to - you’d only be preserving for yourself a prize that wasn’t worth having….

HOWEVER. I think that’s maybe an overly rigid view of human nature in some regards. I was thinking about this because, slightly long story, but my fella ended up looking like he was gonna be stranded tonight in the town where his friend who is his ex lives. (He was due to be staying with some other friends there, but they let him down last minute). I asked him over text what he was gonna do instead, and he was a bit sketchy to start with, and I concluded in my mind that he was going to stay with his ex, and I TOTALLY didn’t feel happy about it. Not that I thought he would embark on a prolonged affair with her (to be honest he’d have had one long before now if he’d wanted to - I’m pretty sure she has always kept that option on the table). MORE, I just thought, well, everyone is suggestible to a degree - if she thoroughly sets out to get him drunk and nostalgic, say, no he probably wouldn’t shag her (I like to think!) but it’s not beyond the realms of human possibility that, given the whole night, she could achieve a drunken snog or even just excessive cuddling or a handhold or SOMETHING I wouldn’t be very happy with. If she really set her mind to it, like…. .

Anyway, happily it turned out this whole thing was a paranoid fantasy created in my own head, possibly from reading too many threads on Mumsnet! As he didn’t go to stay with her at all - indeed I have no reason to think he ever intended to - and travelled back to our shared home instead (which I know to be true as he sent me pictures of the cat!)

From examples with relatives etc which I won’t go into here, I do appreciate that people not remotely looking to cheat can sometimes be tempted into it. Which doesn’t exonerate them in the slightest of course - it’s still fully their bad!

So yes, my version whereby there are people strongly desiring to cheat, and people who would never cheat, and nothing in between, suits my desire for a morally clean-cut world, but really doesn’t reflect actual reality, when I think about it properly….

Anyway, insomniac rambling - on the whole I think it’s good he has decided to knock these meet-ups on the head, OP…..,

Sounds like it's worked out ok, hopefully you won't snoop on him again.