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Original poster

Husband and old girlfriend

62 replies

Michellexxx · 30/06/2021 12:40

Hi,
My husband has recently been meeting up with a group of old school friends.
They have met twice in a couple of months- all guys, one girl.
I was using a computer in the house today and stumbled across the messages. There were separate messages from the woman, who turns out to be his old school gf, they split when they went to uni-over 20 years ago.
She had messaged with opening of ‘might be inappropriate’ but then said something about wishing she’d asked him questions when he gave her a lift home after their meal (he doesn’t drink).
She basically was asking why he dumped her 20yrs ago and ended with a x, he replied explaining it was logistics, also copied, and ended with a x…
There was nothing to the messages and she apologised for being drunk in a text this morning and thanked him for the lift..

However, I would never have known any of this of it hadn’t been left open, and if I hadn’t used the comp. he still doesn’t know that I know.

He was pleasant in the messages and all referred to school days but I think it’s odd. She doesn’t have a job atm and I know she is probably enjoying that he texted back at all- and copied her x.

I don’t feel like I can tell him I read his messages and there’s technically nothing to it apart from an uneasy feeling.. I just find it odd that she’s the only woman and it seems a bit deliberate and I think it’s inappropriate he messaged back and worse that he’s not told me any of this.

How would you approach this?

OP posts:
Almondcroissant25 · 30/06/2021 22:51

I’d be more concerned about the woman to be honest. Men are polite and sometimes a bit dim and don’t see when a woman is ‘trying’ something or testing the waters.

I wouldn’t really like it if my husband hadn’t mentioned the messages or the fact they dated, but as PPs have said, maybe he doesn’t deem it important. Don’t let people on here get into your head, if your gut reaction was to just keep an eye on things, do exactly that.

Assumption and over-thinking is dangerous.

londonscalling · 01/07/2021 06:46

So he didn't tell you he gave her a lift home?

lilmishap · 01/07/2021 07:15

I suspect she's not thinking about the 'x' half as much as you are. I really can't see anything to worry about here if they were arranging to meet up or full of compliments or private jokes then maybe. But there's none of that.

Bagelsandbrie · 01/07/2021 07:23

Well I wouldn’t like that at all. But I’d just pretend I hadn’t read any of it and just watch very closely from now on to see if any further contact is made. But then I’m very suspicious about these things as my now ex dh left me for an ex he found through Facebook and upped and left me over a 2 week period where he went and stayed with his mum (visiting family apparently- we lived some way away) and met up with the ex instead!

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 01/07/2021 08:21

He really doesn’t appear to have done anything wrong . He seems polite and he offered her a lift home . I don’t know you so I’m not judging, if he had told you he’d given her a lift home would you have kicked off . I’m just thinking of a reason why he didn’t mention it, would he be worried it would have caused an argument ?
He doesn’t sound like he’s trying to chase after her , if anything it appears like he kept everything on the level and she was flirting with him . She’s had a bit to drink he could have easily taken things further if he was so inclined, but he didn’t .
As an aside I would be seriously unimpressed if my DH checked my phone , if he had an issue I’d expect him to discuss it with me

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/07/2021 08:22

I wouldn’t worry about this at all. What is your actual fear? That they are going to pursue this communication and start having an affair? There seems to be nothing in it to suggest that.

Does he usually put a “x” on texts? I accidentally glanced my boyfriend’s WhatsApp when he left it open on the table a little while ago. He had recently replied to a message from his ex (with whom he is still friends). He put an “x” It didn’t worry me - when he texts me he puts three - that would have worried me more maybe!

In my experience it’s never good to read other people’s messages. There will always be things open to misinterpretation, and you can drive yourself mad. (I speak from experience). I actively try not to look, and only saw the above by accident!

parkerpop · 01/07/2021 08:31

It sounds to me like she might've been interested and/or was making a drunken pass but tbh I think your DH has handled it pretty well.

I don't see the x as a big deal and he might've just been trying to spare her embarrassment if she thought she'd made things awkward.

If she sent him a message saying he was her whole world and he didn't reciprocate or send an inappropriate response then he's not interested in anything happening

Original poster
Michellexxx · 01/07/2021 08:44

Thanks for the reassurance.

I’m very aware that you shouldn’t read people’s messages- it was a lapse of judgement. But I just find it odd that he hasn’t mentioned anything.

I don’t think he would ever do anything but I do think he’ll enjoy a bit of attention from it- he likes to boast about his title at work etc and will enjoy showing her what he’s managed, especially if she strokes his ego.

I really am not jealous, but haven’t really had much to be jealous of tbh. He doesn’t normally put x at all on any messages either, which is why I was a bit 🤔 but it was only after messages that she put it on. She hadn’t put any in the first few then kept doing it for every message after he had copied on a couple.

They are all going out again in a month- it seems to be turning into a monthly thing. So I think I’m going to just wait and see how things play out in that respect.

OP posts:
Sakurami · 01/07/2021 09:43

Your husband doesn't sound that nice to me! She sounds like she still likes him and liked him more than he liked her when they went out.

But your husband is just being polite imo and I wouldn't worry about that (I'd be a bit pissed off at her though).

Original poster
Michellexxx · 01/07/2021 10:04

@Sakurami

Your husband doesn't sound that nice to me! She sounds like she still likes him and liked him more than he liked her when they went out.

But your husband is just being polite imo and I wouldn't worry about that (I'd be a bit pissed off at her though).

Thanks, my husband is quite nice 😂but he does like to discuss his achievements, which can be a bit annoying I guess.

I am quite annoyed at her, and she obviously knows that it’s inappropriate if she questioned it initially.

OP posts:
Mary1Mary · 01/07/2021 10:49

I don't think I'd be very impressed with this.

gindreams · 01/07/2021 12:38

@Michellexxx

Op you seem sensible and pragmatic about this

todaysdilemma · 01/07/2021 12:54

Nothing to worry about atm but keep an eye on it since they will all be meeting up monthly/regularly.

These things can start off innocently enough - she's lonely and living in the past, he's enjoying the ego boost and wanting to help due to some misplaced guilt for how he treated her - but human beings aren't robots. So with the best of intentions it could escalate into a more emotional attachment. I really don't think your DH is interested in her or wants to pursue anything, but could open a can of worms with her if he lets her in too much - could send her the wrong signal if she is feeling particularly vulnerable and craving attention.

Don't say anything yet. After the next meet up, maybe ask a few questions about how she's doing etc. And if you can see him getting closer to her over time, I'd just suggest to him to be cautious as he doesn't want to lead her on if she still has feelings. But I think he's done nothing wrong, and hasn't told you because he knows you'll worry unneccesarily.

I absolutely do not think you're jealous - you know your DH better than anyone and so trust your intuition when it says something is up. You'd have to be very naive to ignore an ex gf crawling out of the woodwork 20 years later, drunkenly try to re-live the past with your husband....

DelurkingAJ · 01/07/2021 13:02

It’s funny how different we all are on this. I’d 100% want and expect DH to give a tipsy old girlfriend who he’d met in a group a lift home. In fact I’d be mildly horrified if he didn’t. Equally I’ve seen it as a potential red flag when a boyfriend isn’t friends with their ex’s (as in none of them…my worry was always ‘what did he do so wrong that none of them can be friends with him?’). DH would probably not mention these kind of messages OP because he’d think they were a pain and not worth the time of day.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 13:10

@KirstenBlest

It's suspicious. Watch out for red flags.

Him giving her a lift home is well dodgy.

Not it is not fgs
AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 13:14

It’s funny how different we all are on this. I’d 100% want and expect DH to give a tipsy old girlfriend who he’d met in a group a lift home. In fact I’d be mildly horrified if he didn’t.

Me too! (pardon the pun :p )

KirstenBlest · 01/07/2021 13:39

@AryaStarkWolf,
It is probably completely innocent, but the opportunity is there.

Woman pays man attention, he's flattered, ... Emotional Affair or Affair.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 13:47

[quote KirstenBlest]@AryaStarkWolf,
It is probably completely innocent, but the opportunity is there.

Woman pays man attention, he's flattered, ... Emotional Affair or Affair.[/quote]
I'm not denying that could and does happen sometimes but the OP read his replies, they were not encouraging her or over stepping any boundaries with his wife imo You can't live your life worrying about opportunities your OH has to cheat, I'm quite sure most people will have opportunities to cheat over their lives, you just have to trust that they won't otherwise you would drive yourself crazy

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/07/2021 13:55

The thing is, let’s be honest, affairs are quite common and pretty much anybody could find one if they really wanted to. So there is no point panicking when one’s fella is presented with an opportunity for one - they nearly all have the opportunity, all the time, if they wanted to go looking for it.

I just don’t think there has been anything in OP’s husband’s behaviour that indicates he is interested in this woman. That would be the worry - not that he has the opportunity (perhaps he does - this woman may well still fancy him) - but if he had the desire.

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/07/2021 13:56

Sorry, realised I just more or less repeated the post above!

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 13:58

@Lovelydiscusfish

Sorry, realised I just more or less repeated the post above!
Great minds Grin
KirstenBlest · 01/07/2021 14:00

@AryaStarkWolf, you can set boundaries.

@Lovelydiscusfish, it's one thing going looking for opportunities and another one to have it handed on a plate.

Dweetfidilove · 01/07/2021 14:00

I couldn't abide a husband who could, but didn't, offer a lift to a drunk female he knows(ex or otherwise) Confused

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 14:05

[quote KirstenBlest]@AryaStarkWolf, you can set boundaries.

@Lovelydiscusfish, it's one thing going looking for opportunities and another one to have it handed on a plate.[/quote]
Sure you can, I'm sure most people have boundaries in their relationships. The OPs husband hasn't over stepped any though imo Personally I'd be glad my DH gave a tipsy female friend a lift home rather than just driving off, if he takes that as an opportunity to cheat then he's not the man I'd thought he was

KirstenBlest · 01/07/2021 14:14

I'm assuming that you live in a happy secure world where affairs and emotional affairs don't happen