My husband isn't in to me anymore

[Imblooo]

I'm not sure what to do?
He just doesn't seem that interested or into me anymore, he's more into his work, his hobby, the football, not me.
I'm a SAHM to 2 little ones after I had a nervous breakdown following returning to work as a FT teacher after DC2. I found the pressure of being a teacher full time with little ones intolerable, particularly as DC2 kept picking up illnesses at nursery and I kept taking time off which led to bullying from my manager. DC1 was at school, but not enjoying it and the guilt of leaving him in before and after school club everyday was immense.
I looked for part time work but there was none. Schools don't like to employ part-time teachers. After children come along, it's ironically, not a family friendly profession at all.
After a long talk, DH and I agreed that I would take 2 years off and would return to teaching when both DCs were in school full time as I wasn't coping at all.

Next September, both DCs will be in full time school so I fully intend to look for a FT job and I'm looking forward to it.
DH however, has definitely "gone off" me. He used to engage in conversations about work (we worked in the same school) but he has no interest in my life as a SAHM. He barely touches or kisses me anymore, it's like I'm no longer interesting to him.
I've obviously taken on more of the load at home, which has given him some relief to do his job, but he seems immersed in it.
I carried 2 very large babies, so I'm covered in saggy skin and stretch marks which I don't think he finds appealling and I'm a stone heavier than when we met. Although he's about 3 stone heavier!
On a Sunday evening, I schedule my week in my planner as I do lots of activities with DC2 to keep him stimulated and occupied and he often smirks about it and will say "what exactly do you have to plan? You can just go with the flow." And I'm not sure he appreciates that I have things to do too, along with school runs etc. I cook all of the meals during the week, carry all of the mental and emotional load and organise and attend all of the healthcare appointments for DC2 as he has an underlying health condition. Both children have egg, milk and soya allergies so I have to navigate that a lot which is also a big worry.
But all of this just isn't sexy is it?
I met his new manager recently albeit briefly and she was young, beautiful, slim and dressed very professionally. He gets on really well with her and she has given him a lot of praise for his hard work since she started.
I just feel so invisible.
Now I keep browsing rightmove for cheaper, smaller houses to buy and job sites for teaching roles that could suit me from next September if similar things come up. I very strongly feel like we're headed for divorce. I feel like the home help.
We have been talking about this open and honestly now for around 9 months, but nothing has changed. He tells me he just can't focus on much else when he's so busy.
I am probably stuck here until next September, unless I can find a job that isn't going to compromise my mental health as a single mum.
My self esteem and sense of worth is really struggling and I need some advice on keeping myself going emotionally and mentally until I've figured all of this out and have a plan in place?

It’s hard to decipher what’s the cause but potentially he has an element of resentment towards you as you being a sahm was never the plan, it’s only occured due to your mental struggles and he’s working to keep th family afloat financially. It’s a forced situation for both of you due to ill health.

To be honest cooking meals and navigating allergies doesn’t really sound overly onerous (unless you eat out a lot for the latter), but looking after two small kids can be very hard work especially if you do lots of activities.

Do you still love each other? I think you need to sit down and discuss the future and how you both feel honestly.

It certainly sounds like he has disconnected.

I think he may now feel that he is more important in the relationship as he carries the financial burden which can be a heavy load.

I think you are looking for reasons (saggy skin, heavier etc) (New pretty slim female boss). However, these are unlikely to be linked. You are probably right that he doesn’t find you very interesting in this role and had switched off seeing you as his wife and lover and more as mum to two kids. Sexy feelings go out of the window in these situations. Do you even feel sexy yourself? It sounds a slog being a SAHM and not for everyone. You can easily lose your sense of identity.

Have you told him all of this in as much detail as what you have said above ? Does he realise that you are viewing a potential separation next year?

You need to keep talking and start acting to put this right. That includes finding childcare for the kids and doing things together again. If you don’t, then the connection will fade further and you can get to a point of no return.

I just wanted to validate your experience as an allergy parent. It is a role full of medical appointments, advocacy and constantly having to preempt activities which people want to celebrate with food. Always having suitable substitutes on hand and the hyper-vigilance that is required to supervise activities is extremely taxing. Who would have thought going into parenthood you'd have to watch the 'safe' chips like a hawk ensuring 'unsafe' hands with allergens on them don't cross contaminate. Unless you live it it is hard to imagine it as your reality.

So when you were both working full time in the same school, you had to take time off for appointments etc but he didn't? And then you had to leave? Now he's got a new boss who's giving him all the praise and making him feel like the big man.

I think you're right; he has checked out and he's treating you very unfairly.

You had a nervous breakdown FFS. He's being a dick who thinks working is a more important job than parenting and is probably enjoying the attention from the new boss and working extra hard to keep her impressed. Personally I think there's nothing more beautiful/amazing/sexy than being a fantastic parent but a lot of people seem to think that working and making money is what is important. There's nothing sexy about teaching if you ask me.

TBH he sounds like a misogynistic pig who expected you to take time off from your job whenever the kids were ill so it didn't inconvenience him, the more important man, but when you could no longer manage and stopped working to care for the kids he didn't like it because he wanted you doing everything.

He's not 'working hard to keep the family afloat' he's doing the same bloody job he always did but putting in extra work to impress his hot boss. He's not a victim here. I think you've seen his true colours now, he thinks he's the big man, is more emotionally interested in the sexy boss and doesn't value the amazing woman he has.

Don't let him dictate your self esteem, he's a complete cock womble with no appreciation for what is really important. Concentrate on yourself and the kids, start to slowly emotionally disengage from him and start planning for your future. xxx

This sounds like my ex husband. He just started acting like l wasn’t there, made no effort, everything l said was wrong or stupid etc. I hadn’t changed -hadn’t lost or gained weight, still worked full time etc. One of the nails in the coffin was whilst we were at a wedding, each couple threw in £10 and we had to guess the length of all the speeches. I made my guess, he announced to the table it was a terrible guess and lm basically an idiot . Of course l got closest time on our table and was closest for the whole wedding

We are now divorced and he’s married to one of my “friends”. I’m sure there was overlap and they got married super quickly after the divorce was finalised. I’ve met someone else, had a few promotions and lm very happy

Some bitter answers, it’s interesting when a man stops working due to mental health and stays home the majority of answers are sympathetic to the woman carrying the financial burden, not seeing her kids, having to pay for everything, when it’s the other way around then the woman is a hero for staying home and the mans an arsehole if he doesn’t see it.

Gender biases are alive and well.

OP, what you describe is symptomatic of society's attitude to the job of raising children.
The role of SAHM - and especially the SAHMs who try to WFH - should come with a health warning. Until you're back in the 'workplace' you are simply a housewife.
I'd stick my neck on the line and suggest that unless a person has actually been a SAHM then they're just not going to completely understand what goes into it and how many sacrifices SAHMs make.
Even women I've known who have had children and been SAHMs in the past can go on to display astonishingly negative attitudes to new mums who don't go out to work.
Your DH obviously does not have the first clue about what you have to do, so I would recommend keeping a log of everything you do, from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep, the times these things happen, the duration, etc. for a week. Then present it to him.

@Bluntness100

Some bitter answers, it’s interesting when a man stops working due to mental health and stays home the majority of answers are sympathetic to the woman carrying the financial burden, not seeing her kids, having to pay for everything, when it’s the other way around then the woman is a hero for staying home and the mans an arsehole if he doesn’t see it.

Gender biases are alive and well.

It's always amusing seeing posters do a 180 depending on the gender involved.

It is rare that a man has a breakdown because of the challenges of childcare and a full time job. This constant 'but reverse the roles' schtick is tiresome - it's almost always impossible to reverse the roles because of social conditioning. Why, for example, didn't your DH step up when you were both working full time?

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. It's not your fault. Very possibly it's not your DH's fault either it's just the reality of having small children. However I know from experience it is difficult to heal this gap between you (you may find it difficult to forgive your DH for essentially abandoning you even when you are working/feel better). I think you would manage and be happier if you did decide to leave. Have you been very blunt with him about where this is leading?

@ThePlantsitter

It is rare that a man has a breakdown because of the challenges of childcare and a full time job. This constant 'but reverse the roles' schtick is tiresome - it's almost always impossible to reverse the roles because of social conditioning. Why, for example, didn't your DH step up when you were both working full time?

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. It's not your fault. Very possibly it's not your DH's fault either it's just the reality of having small children. However I know from experience it is difficult to heal this gap between you (you may find it difficult to forgive your DH for essentially abandoning you even when you are working/feel better). I think you would manage and be happier if you did decide to leave. Have you been very blunt with him about where this is leading?

Nonsense. There been plenty of threads on here with men unable to cope and not working. Seriously the sexism that you’ve just displayed is mind boggling that you can’t even perceive such a situation.

It does sound like he's checked out, possibly for a combination of the reasons you have suggested or possibly "just one of those things". Some people do get bored with their partners and fall out of love. I wish that wasn't true as I appreciate it doesn't help!

It probably suits him that you're picking up all the drudgery so he might not rock the boat by raising separation himself.

If I were you I'd think about what YOU want and start planning for it. You are already looking into full time work and alternate housing options which sounds very sensible. You could of course raise it sooner as couples counselling might help. But if he responds by saying "I'm not happy either, let's separate" it wouldn't be a good time for you practically. So that would be a risk.

@Bluntness100 I'd love to get into an argument with you about this because I think it's you who's taking nonsense, but I don't think the op would find it helpful (much as the 'but if it were a man' shit is not helpful either).

OP do you connect as a couple - have sex and talk over meals/walks at all or are you just adults in the same house?

Is there anyone vaccinated and able to babysit so you can have an evening off together to connect?

[quote ThePlantsitter]@Bluntness100 I'd love to get into an argument with you about this because I think it's you who's taking nonsense, but I don't think the op would find it helpful (much as the 'but if it were a man' shit is not helpful either).[/quote]
That’s fair. ☺️

Thank you for all of your responses.
I took the time off when DC was a baby as DH had extra responsibilities at work whereas I didn't so my work was easier to cover. I also wanted to be there myself to tend to him as I was worried about him- it was before we realised his allergies and so there was something making him poorly all along but we didn't realise it at the time as it wasn't as obvious as you would have expected.

We have had so many talks.
He's "trying" but it comes across as forced. We have tried to create more opportunities to be together such as date days and nights, but he's always so distracted. He'll glaze over whilst I'm talking a lot of the time or his body language just shows that he can't wait for me to finish so he can get on with his work.
He said he would start going to bed at the same time as me but that hasn't materialised either and he stays up late either working or watching netflix.
He has a very low sex drive, but when it does come to sex, it feels to be more about having sex with my vagina than having sex with me. There is very little kissing and foreplay.
It would feel better if he praised my efforts at home more but they appear to go unnoticed. I feel invisible.
He seems to flit from one little obsession to the next from work, to football, to motorbikes, to his car.
He knows I plan to leave him of things don't improve. I've set my stall out very clearly. I've told him that I don't think he really wants to be with me and that things seem forced from his perspective but he denies it, tries a bit harder for a few days and then slacks off again. He says he doesn't want to separate and I don't think he does from a practical and financial point of view, but the emotions clearly aren't there.

I agree with some of the other posters. There wasn't a plan for you to stop work and now he has extra stress because of the financial burden. In addition after a day at work it's quite hard to listen to your spouse going on about little Johnny's tantrum today or how Jane didn't get a go on the trampoline when you've soent the day trying to negotiate something worth millions of pounds that you still haven't closed down. you do have less in common and the stay at home parent become less interesting because they don't have much interesting to say about their day because it's all revolves around minor things with the kids. Sorry if that sounds harsh but Thats my personal experience anyway. I think getting another FT job will do you both the world of good. Additionally I think you need to try and get time together without the kids doing something you both enjoy, and personally I would try to have an interest outside of the kids which will be good for you but also something interesting to talk about

I agree with Bluntness. There is a big difference in the way that posters react if a man has mental health issues (cock lodger) to a woman
I am still struggling to accepts the threads where posters supported violence from a woman to a man ( he deserves it)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4276191-i-slapped-my-dp
and where a woman has an affair ( her husband is to blame)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4267907-I-have-really-messed-up
It is a shame. Some posters just want validation that however they behave they must be in the right because they are female.

I think it's extremely sad that we, as a society have been brainwashed into believing that being a mother is "minor" in comparison to the big, corporate, economical world of work.

I agree with @whatthejiggeries. I think I’d feel resentful if my Dp chose to quit work to be a Sahp when that wasn’t in the plans. And I would be bored talking about nothing but the dcs every day as well. Can you find a part time job anywhere, just to give you and him something to talk about besides the dc’s?

@Imblooo

I think it's extremely sad that we, as a society have been brainwashed into believing that being a mother is "minor" in comparison to the big, corporate, economical world of work.

I don’t think we have. But ultimately as a society we need to work and earn, to pay our bills, to feed and clothe our kids and ultimately if your husband wasn’t doing this, or other tax payers if you were on benefits you’d be homeless and hungry. Someone needs to pay for the roof over your head, the clothes on your back and the food in your belly, as humans we can both work and raise children. However we cannot raise children without the basics of food, clothes, heat, and a home. And someone needs to pay for these things.

However that’s not what this thread is about. The issue is you and your husband did not agree to you not working when you had kids, this was something forced upon you both due to your illness.

We also cannot raise children without healthy attachments, love, trust, grounding. To completely disregard the role of mother to merely a vessel for carrying children, only to push them into the care of anyone getting paid pittance for doing so is also extremely sad, very undermining and unfeminist indeed.

OP regardless of your being a SAHM and the wider situation, it doesn't sound like you like each other.

Do you think he's checked out and is waiting for you to push it to end?

I worked PT after having DCs, and worked hard, was promoted and made enough to pay for our food bills, childcare, most of the DCs clothes etc. But my exH simply didn't like the fact he didn't have my full attention and thought I should agree with him more (having DCs changed my priorities) and he had an affair.

If someone doesn't like you I don't think it matters what hoops you jump through it can just be over.

@Imblooo

We also cannot raise children without healthy attachments, love, trust, grounding. To completely disregard the role of mother to merely a vessel for carrying children, only to push them into the care of anyone getting paid pittance for doing so is also extremely sad, very undermining and unfeminist indeed.

No one said that op? And many of us are mothers here, please remember your audience,

My DH takes zero interest in anything child related. Doesn't care what they do or get up to. I said I'd sent my mum some pictures of my youngest at the park, before I had to go to work and he said why don't you send me those too. I do, and I did but he never looks. I don't think he downloads them on his WhatsApp. I have found with work based friendships once one of us leaves work we have little in common and sound the same for your DH and you.