My husband isn't in to me anymore

[Imblooo]

I'm not sure what to do?
He just doesn't seem that interested or into me anymore, he's more into his work, his hobby, the football, not me.
I'm a SAHM to 2 little ones after I had a nervous breakdown following returning to work as a FT teacher after DC2. I found the pressure of being a teacher full time with little ones intolerable, particularly as DC2 kept picking up illnesses at nursery and I kept taking time off which led to bullying from my manager. DC1 was at school, but not enjoying it and the guilt of leaving him in before and after school club everyday was immense.
I looked for part time work but there was none. Schools don't like to employ part-time teachers. After children come along, it's ironically, not a family friendly profession at all.
After a long talk, DH and I agreed that I would take 2 years off and would return to teaching when both DCs were in school full time as I wasn't coping at all.

Next September, both DCs will be in full time school so I fully intend to look for a FT job and I'm looking forward to it.
DH however, has definitely "gone off" me. He used to engage in conversations about work (we worked in the same school) but he has no interest in my life as a SAHM. He barely touches or kisses me anymore, it's like I'm no longer interesting to him.
I've obviously taken on more of the load at home, which has given him some relief to do his job, but he seems immersed in it.
I carried 2 very large babies, so I'm covered in saggy skin and stretch marks which I don't think he finds appealling and I'm a stone heavier than when we met. Although he's about 3 stone heavier!
On a Sunday evening, I schedule my week in my planner as I do lots of activities with DC2 to keep him stimulated and occupied and he often smirks about it and will say "what exactly do you have to plan? You can just go with the flow." And I'm not sure he appreciates that I have things to do too, along with school runs etc. I cook all of the meals during the week, carry all of the mental and emotional load and organise and attend all of the healthcare appointments for DC2 as he has an underlying health condition. Both children have egg, milk and soya allergies so I have to navigate that a lot which is also a big worry.
But all of this just isn't sexy is it?
I met his new manager recently albeit briefly and she was young, beautiful, slim and dressed very professionally. He gets on really well with her and she has given him a lot of praise for his hard work since she started.
I just feel so invisible.
Now I keep browsing rightmove for cheaper, smaller houses to buy and job sites for teaching roles that could suit me from next September if similar things come up. I very strongly feel like we're headed for divorce. I feel like the home help.
We have been talking about this open and honestly now for around 9 months, but nothing has changed. He tells me he just can't focus on much else when he's so busy.
I am probably stuck here until next September, unless I can find a job that isn't going to compromise my mental health as a single mum.
My self esteem and sense of worth is really struggling and I need some advice on keeping myself going emotionally and mentally until I've figured all of this out and have a plan in place?

@whydidimarryhim I've written down some of your advice as a lot of it struck a cord. Particularly "it's not up to you to fix this marriage" as I've piled a lot of that pressure on myself over the last 18months without result. Seeing those words felt very freeing.

I do actually work at the weekend for 3 hours, as I do online lessons to overseas students so I guess I'm not a typical SAHM. I don't particularly enjoy it, but it pays for a holiday every year and days out with DCs. So he does get time alone with DCs. I.have also started doing a lot more for myself over the last few months and focusing on getting my BMI down so doing more exercise classes, going for long walks in the evening and seeing friends more.

He doesn't complain at all, but I wonder if he is sometimes a little resentful when I make myself busy. He also has hobbies so we seem to be drifting further apart now that I've made myself busy too.

[quote whatthejiggeries]@User1357 Working mums also get to see their children grow up they don't disappear of the planet for 18 years but they have other things to talk about. You might not think you are boring but from other peoples perspective A lot of SAHM have very little to contribute to conversations other than what's happened with the children - because that's all that they are experiencing -most of which is quite banal and nothing anyone else hasn't also experienced with their kids. When that's all you get to converse on daily that gets very dull tbh. Maybe some other halves don't mind that but in this situation the OP said she thought her husband believed her to be boring and I am explaining why that might be. Getting something else going on in her life rather than just the kids could be great for her and give her something more interesting to talk about with her husband. [/quote]
Agree with everything 100%.
@Bluntness100 is also bang on the money.

We're not debating here whether SAHMs are boring, we are discussing your particular situation where you said your DH DOES find you a bit dull? And that you feel invisible to him.
We are just stating why that might be. Because you've become SAHM and it was never planned. He seems like a man who like intellectual career women - there are a lot of such men about.
And we are also sharing our own personal experiences - that sometimes SAHMs' conversations are limited to talk about their child's day, which most people find boring.

@whichwayisup but going to work isn't just about work stuff - you are socialising with other people they are talking about things that happened to them in there personal items etc. I agree talking to your partner just about work would also be boring but mixing with others that have other things going on in their lives, and work, and children means you have more topics of conversation

[quote whatthejiggeries]@User1357 Working mums also get to see their children grow up they don't disappear of the planet for 18 years but they have other things to talk about. You might not think you are boring but from other peoples perspective A lot of SAHM have very little to contribute to conversations other than what's happened with the children - because that's all that they are experiencing -most of which is quite banal and nothing anyone else hasn't also experienced with their kids. When that's all you get to converse on daily that gets very dull tbh. Maybe some other halves don't mind that but in this situation the OP said she thought her husband believed her to be boring and I am explaining why that might be. Getting something else going on in her life rather than just the kids could be great for her and give her something more interesting to talk about with her husband. [/quote]
This actually made me laugh out loud!

SAHM have very little to contribute to a conversation because they only talk about kids?

If that was so, I'd be unable to even have this conversation as it's not about my kids!

I think maybe you should start working on yourself and your own self esteem for now, you will be back to work hopefully in a couple of months, concentrate on that and getting yourself some other interests outside of childcare and the home. Build yourself up and then see if anything has changed in your relationship? Get back to yourself and I think then you can look at things from a better perspective

[quote whatthejiggeries]@whichwayisup but going to work isn't just about work stuff - you are socialising with other people they are talking about things that happened to them in there personal items etc. I agree talking to your partner just about work would also be boring but mixing with others that have other things going on in their lives, and work, and children means you have more topics of conversation [/quote]
@whatthejiggeries
That's no different to SAHMs talking to other people! 😂

@Tal45

You had a nervous breakdown FFS. He's being a dick who thinks working is a more important job than parenting and is probably enjoying the attention from the new boss and working extra hard to keep her impressed. Personally I think there's nothing more beautiful/amazing/sexy than being a fantastic parent but a lot of people seem to think that working and making money is what is important. There's nothing sexy about teaching if you ask me.

TBH he sounds like a misogynistic pig who expected you to take time off from your job whenever the kids were ill so it didn't inconvenience him, the more important man, but when you could no longer manage and stopped working to care for the kids he didn't like it because he wanted you doing everything.

He's not 'working hard to keep the family afloat' he's doing the same bloody job he always did but putting in extra work to impress his hot boss. He's not a victim here. I think you've seen his true colours now, he thinks he's the big man, is more emotionally interested in the sexy boss and doesn't value the amazing woman he has.

Don't let him dictate your self esteem, he's a complete cock womble with no appreciation for what is really important. Concentrate on yourself and the kids, start to slowly emotionally disengage from him and start planning for your future. xxx

you summarised all of this, their entire marriage from that one post. Now you are telling her to get ready to leave him..

Jesus, people come here for a outside opinion, not an instant LTB reply but Id expect nothing less from many on here.

You say the huisbands a cockwomble for wanting to provide for his family, hes not cheated, he has not gas lit or raised his hand yet in your eyes he is a dick

I bet with an outlook like yours im guessing your single.

Most couples struggle when the kids are young. In this situation Imbloo has had to rethink her life in a way that her husband hasn't. It wasn't Imbloo's plan to give up work, she was forced to due to the reality of her situation. She's struggling to reconcile the new version of herself with the old version. Her priorities have changed as has her whole life over the last couple years... And she's probably been prioritising the kids.. husband has probably been getting used to being second place. Kids are getting bigger, little more independent, Imbloo is starting to remember herself a little more and she's noticing that actually she'd like to prioritise her husband a little more and the chances are when she does he'll notice it, appreciate it and respond quite happily.

Everything doesn't automatically mean he's a total arsehole or he's looking for an out. He's maybe unhappily been filling his time with other stuff. And yes, it does sound to me like Imbloo takes on far too much of everything on her shoulders and that Mr Imbloo is a bit selfish. Again not a very unusual situation. Hopefully this new little rejig of her returning to work will sort that out. I know when I returned to full time work DH had to take on more of the every day life stuff and it all worked out fine.

Life is not perfect for almost everyone. Most couples go through peaks and troughs. Just because you are in a trough doesn't mean it's all over and you plan your exit. Hopefully you'll pull together soon and get back on the right path.

I agree with @Bluntness100. She is one of the most popular posters on MN because she talks so much sense.

I don't think staying at home for a few years before the kids start school is the same as staying at home for 18 years as someone said. I think its quite a common situation now that childcare is so expensive no? Its not that much time added onto the time should have had off on maternity leave?

I don't agree you can simply swap the genders. You were the one who had to take time off when your kid was ill. You were the one who gave birth to them, needed time to recover, physically and mentally.

On the other hand, I do think that having the entire financial responsibility on his shoulders would be hard for your DH. Can you do any more online teaching?

I’m a PT teacher (with two young kids) with a TLR and it’s busy but come on, it’s not so busy you can’t focus on your partner.

He’s not being fair to you Op. will he put in any effort with the holidays coming up? When he’s not so “busy”

@Imblooo

Thank you for all of your responses. I took the time off when DC was a baby as DH had extra responsibilities at work whereas I didn't so my work was easier to cover. I also wanted to be there myself to tend to him as I was worried about him- it was before we realised his allergies and so there was something making him poorly all along but we didn't realise it at the time as it wasn't as obvious as you would have expected.

We have had so many talks.
He's "trying" but it comes across as forced. We have tried to create more opportunities to be together such as date days and nights, but he's always so distracted. He'll glaze over whilst I'm talking a lot of the time or his body language just shows that he can't wait for me to finish so he can get on with his work.
He said he would start going to bed at the same time as me but that hasn't materialised either and he stays up late either working or watching netflix.
He has a very low sex drive, but when it does come to sex, it feels to be more about having sex with my vagina than having sex with me. There is very little kissing and foreplay.
It would feel better if he praised my efforts at home more but they appear to go unnoticed. I feel invisible.
He seems to flit from one little obsession to the next from work, to football, to motorbikes, to his car.
He knows I plan to leave him of things don't improve. I've set my stall out very clearly. I've told him that I don't think he really wants to be with me and that things seem forced from his perspective but he denies it, tries a bit harder for a few days and then slacks off again. He says he doesn't want to separate and I don't think he does from a practical and financial point of view, but the emotions clearly aren't there.

This sounds familiar to me, it's very much like my EXDW was in the years leading up to our split. Lots of earnest and well-meaning strategies for forcing herself to do the kinds of simple things that anyone who's actually in love with someone else does naturally without needing to be forced.

There are a lot of ideas in this thread about what the reason might be, but to be honest I'm not sure it matters. People fall out of love with each other. We can't always understand why, and even when we do it doesn't generally make them fall back in love.

In addition after a day at work it's quite hard to listen to your spouse going on about little Johnny's tantrum today or how Jane didn't get a go on the trampoline when you've soent the day trying to negotiate something worth millions of pounds that you still haven't closed down. you do have less in common and the stay at home parent become less interesting because they don't have much interesting to say about their day because it's all revolves around minor things with the kids

Jesus Christ. I'd rather hear what my children have been up to all day than rehash boring shit about work contracts. It's disgusting how undervalued SAHPs are. As if doing ANY job is much more noble. The OPs husband is a teacher so yes he is doing an important job shaping the minds of children. However, the OP is at home shaping the minds of their own DC - besides the pay packet what's the bloody difference?! What could he possibly have to talk about that's more interesting than what she has to say?

SAHMs do leave the house and interact with the wider world and most have outside interests. I did an MA followed by a PhD when I was a SAHM and I remember my husband coming home boring the arse off me at times talking about his colleagues when I just wanted to get back to the books, but I listened and took interest (admittedly feigned it sometimes) and he listened and took interest in my day whether it concerned tantrums and nappies or research design. It's basic respect and if OPs husband can't show he that and glazes over when she talks well he's the problem here not her.

It does sound like you're relationship is in trouble OP. As you've already set out your stall and talked it to death I think you're wise to start taking steps towards planning for a future without him

I think your husband sounds horrid and I don't know what everyone is making excuses for him

Some posters on here basically saying
📣"Look, just accept the fact that you're boring and worthless because you don't have a paid job, no wonder his eyes glaze over when he's with you, you should be grateful he doesn't shag his new boss right there on the living room carpet"
Jeeze Louise!
Give the op a break, he's being vile

There were mistakes made very early on which have led to this OP.

1. Doesn't matter who has "more responsibilities" at work, taking time off for childcare has to be split 50/50. Why should it only be the woman's professional reputation which is damaged once a COUPLE decide to have DC? He's equally responsible for DC as you are, in the eyes of the law including employment law. Hold him to that.

1. Teaching jobs don't exist part time - er how do you explain that to both my teacher friends are part time?!

1. Taking a break for MH reasons - yes good. But spending more time doing childcare and housework seems to be contributing to poorer MH? What you need is more time for DC in nursery/school and for you to properly recover.

1. You sound very black and white about not being able to change profession. Ex-teachers have tons of options. You have transferable skills useful for heaps of alternative careers.

1. What MH support are you getting to help you get out of this rut? CBT?

@Twickytwo

I agree with *@Bluntness100*. She is one of the most popular posters on MN because she talks so much sense.

Really? Sounds like an assumption there as I've not seen anywhere where people vote for their most popular posters 🤔

Many on this thread have pointed out the ridiculous posts saying that SAHMs are boring, and the implication that SAHMs are somehow lesser species than women who choose to work in an office or such, rather than the work of being at home with their kids.

OP, reading your posts I wonder if you enjoy teaching and can see yourself going back? You mention that you don't enjoy on line work with IN students which is obviously a way of teaching without the stress of the classroom. Do you think it would be worth thinking about other ways of using your skills to start to build up into being in the workplace? I am an academic rather than a school teacher so different patterns of work and responsibilities but there are a few PT teachers in my child's school. Would you be interested in volunteering in a local school to see how you feel about being back in the classroom? I ask this as you don't mention if you had any particular support after your breakdown. Next September is another entire academic year. A long time to then find out if it is too much. I mean this with kindness as only you know your children, but I think the majority of parents feel some guilt when younger children are placed in childcare. Obviously for thousands of parents this is a necessity. My child thrived in a lovely nursery and is now in early years of primary and loves it. My hours of work mean afterschool care on a regular basis. I am saying all of this as a lot can change in two years, do you think it is time for you to start to re engage with working a little more? If you take your husband out of the equation for a minute. What would you prefer to be doing workwise? I don't mean to be patronising as I am sure you have considered this, but if you do make the decision to leave your marriage (you mention possible divorce), you may be left with fewer options financially than you have at the moment. Why not start with smaller steps back into the work environment now and see how this impacts you and your relationship?

"I agree with @Bluntness100. She is one of the most popular posters on MN because she talks so much sense."

Really? Sounds like an assumption there as I've not seen anywhere where people vote for their most popular posters 🤔

Yes, very odd that comment.

"I agree with @Bluntness100. She is one of the most popular posters on MN because she talks so much sense."

Really? Sounds like an assumption there as I've not seen anywhere where people vote for their most popular posters 🤔

Yes, very odd that comment."

Never realised there was a Bluntness100 fan club either... I question the validity of the poster/comment. Particularly when I've seen so many negative responses to Bluntness' derogatory comments.
Very odd indeed.
I expect there will now be an influx of comments from her/his fan club to follow.

Your dh definitely takes you for granted as the boring sahm.
I would spend less head space working on your dh and his disinterest in you and work on yourself.
In a nutshell make yourself just as important, because you are.

Get your cv polished up.
Have a set getting up and going to bed routine m to f.
Dress smarter and if you normally would, put on make up as if for work.
Tackle your fitness and diet.
Be business professional ready.
Also go out with a friend or to a hobby once a week.

Your dh will notice and when he comments be honest and tell him you are preparing to live independently. Whether or not you do is up to him.

Often the way we treat ourselves is the way we are ultimately treated by others.

@Imblooo I think this may be unpopular opinion but it's just an alternative view , teaching is very stressful at the minute as you'll know and you've mentioned that you've had talks and told him you'll leave if things don't improve . When some people are stressed and under alot if pressure they go into themselves they close off the glaze over seem disinterested in you and want to be alone because there's no pressure . If this is what's going on with him and you feel upset because of it it becomes a vicious circle and erodes your relationship more . I don't think it's anything to do with you being at home or your body I think you've both lost your way a bit . I'd start by just sitting with him of an evening find something you both like on Netflix and talk about that it's safe ground ,you mentioned he doesn't kiss you , then you kiss him don't wait for him he might be thinking the same as you . You may have to put in the initial work to get things moving but it has to be 1 of you or nothing will ever change it will be worth if if things start to improve for you ,it might be slow it might be frustrating but it's worth a try

@Melitza

Your dh definitely takes you for granted as the boring sahm. I would spend less head space working on your dh and his disinterest in you and work on yourself. In a nutshell make yourself just as important, because you are.

Get your cv polished up.
Have a set getting up and going to bed routine m to f.
Dress smarter and if you normally would, put on make up as if for work.
Tackle your fitness and diet.
Be business professional ready.
Also go out with a friend or to a hobby once a week.

Your dh will notice and when he comments be honest and tell him you are preparing to live independently. Whether or not you do is up to him.

Often the way we treat ourselves is the way we are ultimately treated by others.

Good advice combined with definitely taking more time for yourself.

Get your pension topped up too.

He has been taking you for granted.

For as long as you remain together, nip THAT in the bud.

Pull WAY back in making his life comfortable and focus on yourself.

He is going to be far more involved with his children and their PITA allergies.

He needs to spend far more time with them.

He sounds very self absorbed.