My husband isn't in to me anymore

[Imblooo]

I'm not sure what to do?
He just doesn't seem that interested or into me anymore, he's more into his work, his hobby, the football, not me.
I'm a SAHM to 2 little ones after I had a nervous breakdown following returning to work as a FT teacher after DC2. I found the pressure of being a teacher full time with little ones intolerable, particularly as DC2 kept picking up illnesses at nursery and I kept taking time off which led to bullying from my manager. DC1 was at school, but not enjoying it and the guilt of leaving him in before and after school club everyday was immense.
I looked for part time work but there was none. Schools don't like to employ part-time teachers. After children come along, it's ironically, not a family friendly profession at all.
After a long talk, DH and I agreed that I would take 2 years off and would return to teaching when both DCs were in school full time as I wasn't coping at all.

Next September, both DCs will be in full time school so I fully intend to look for a FT job and I'm looking forward to it.
DH however, has definitely "gone off" me. He used to engage in conversations about work (we worked in the same school) but he has no interest in my life as a SAHM. He barely touches or kisses me anymore, it's like I'm no longer interesting to him.
I've obviously taken on more of the load at home, which has given him some relief to do his job, but he seems immersed in it.
I carried 2 very large babies, so I'm covered in saggy skin and stretch marks which I don't think he finds appealling and I'm a stone heavier than when we met. Although he's about 3 stone heavier!
On a Sunday evening, I schedule my week in my planner as I do lots of activities with DC2 to keep him stimulated and occupied and he often smirks about it and will say "what exactly do you have to plan? You can just go with the flow." And I'm not sure he appreciates that I have things to do too, along with school runs etc. I cook all of the meals during the week, carry all of the mental and emotional load and organise and attend all of the healthcare appointments for DC2 as he has an underlying health condition. Both children have egg, milk and soya allergies so I have to navigate that a lot which is also a big worry.
But all of this just isn't sexy is it?
I met his new manager recently albeit briefly and she was young, beautiful, slim and dressed very professionally. He gets on really well with her and she has given him a lot of praise for his hard work since she started.
I just feel so invisible.
Now I keep browsing rightmove for cheaper, smaller houses to buy and job sites for teaching roles that could suit me from next September if similar things come up. I very strongly feel like we're headed for divorce. I feel like the home help.
We have been talking about this open and honestly now for around 9 months, but nothing has changed. He tells me he just can't focus on much else when he's so busy.
I am probably stuck here until next September, unless I can find a job that isn't going to compromise my mental health as a single mum.
My self esteem and sense of worth is really struggling and I need some advice on keeping myself going emotionally and mentally until I've figured all of this out and have a plan in place?

The ins and outs of what is fair are largely irrelevant currently. The top and bottom of it is that your relationship is in trouble and will end unless something changes. I think when you have children, you both owe it to them to at least try to get things back on track, regardless of who is “to blame”. Maybe suggest counselling which may help to get everything out on the table and you can work with it. It sounds to me like there is a lot of underlying resentment bubbling away.

As for mother’s not being exciting and having nothing to say, the same can be said for people who only have work to talk about when they get home. Nothing more dull than listening to the same old crap about work related matters.

@whatthejiggeries

I agree with some of the other posters. There wasn't a plan for you to stop work and now he has extra stress because of the financial burden. In addition after a day at work it's quite hard to listen to your spouse going on about little Johnny's tantrum today or how Jane didn't get a go on the trampoline when you've soent the day trying to negotiate something worth millions of pounds that you still haven't closed down. you do have less in common and the stay at home parent become less interesting because they don't have much interesting to say about their day because it's all revolves around minor things with the kids. Sorry if that sounds harsh but Thats my personal experience anyway. I think getting another FT job will do you both the world of good. Additionally I think you need to try and get time together without the kids doing something you both enjoy, and personally I would try to have an interest outside of the kids which will be good for you but also something interesting to talk about

I think this is the quote that is upsetting OP. And I can see why. Its hurtful and very undermining. Its also not true that SAHMs only talk about tantrums and pottys. And most DHs aren't balancing on million pound contracts. That's why OP feels stung.

His attitude to you sounds pretty soul destroying tbh.

In these 9 months of talks has he talked about how he feels? Because yes he is now responsible for keeping the family financially afloat, and that is a stress even if you're doing everything at home.

I was also wondering if you have called him out on his behaviour to you? Like when he is disinterested in what you're saying or not tending to you during sex?

Counselling might be a good idea - simply because it may force him to see that you do deserve to be supported, and treated well. As without you his life would be rather more difficult with contact schedules etc., and the mental load of 'wife work' is not to be sniffed at. It also may open your eyes to things you'd not realised too.

Yes @enough4me you make some really valid points, I think this could well be the case.
@bluntness100 please also remember your audience as many here may be SAHM mothers and will take offence at your implications of us being dull and of having nothing interesting to say. I also keep coming across your confrontational, oppositional, demeaning responses on other threads and find myself questioning your motives here on MN?

@Imblooo

Yes *@enough4me* you make some really valid points, I think this could well be the case. *@bluntness100* please also remember your audience as many here may be SAHM mothers and will take offence at your implications of us being dull and of having nothing interesting to say. I also keep coming across your confrontational, oppositional, demeaning responses on other threads and find myself questioning your motives here on MN?

Um what! I think you’re quoting the wrong poster as I never said any such thing. Reread and retract.

@briolover yes he's agreed to counselling but thats it. I've looked at counsellors online but he generally finds a reason not to go to them "they only do online, i want face to face"
"Too far to travel"
Etc.

I think it sounds like you are going through what many of us go through when we are both busy with young kids. The last two years have been horrendous for teachers in relation to work and stress levels. Looking after small children can be a lot of hard work and it's largely thankless. The children will thank you though, not literally, but they will feel more secure with a less stressed mum.

For what it's worth i think you've done the right thing. It's the right thing to prioritise your own mental health and therefore the health of the children.

Your husband is probably exhausted when at home as teaching has been incredibly stressful this year. It's probably nothing to do with you...he probably has nothing left at the end of the day. It really has been all consuming this year as a teacher.

I have never understood the idea that when you stay at home to look after your kids all you have to talk about is Johnny's tantrum. I found I was more interesting when I had more time to listen to podcasts/audio books and energy to learn new skills, meet new people. I had loads to talk about.

I would stop focussing on the divorce which you think inevitable. This is the tough time. Sometimes, just getting through this time without losing sight of each other is enough. Whatever you focus on tends to be what you go towards. Try focussing on something more positive. I know this is hard.

Maybe the holidays might allow your husband to relax and find you again.

Having a bit extra money next year will help too. Just hold on, things are likely to improve.

Thank you @whichwayisup your response makes a lot of sense to me :)

@Imblooo

I think it's extremely sad that we, as a society have been brainwashed into believing that being a mother is "minor" in comparison to the big, corporate, economical world of work.

I agree with this. You're doing something so important that should be valued - and in your home, it simply isn't. Work comes first in our culture.

@HollowTalk

So when you were both working full time in the same school, you had to take time off for appointments etc but he didn't? And then you had to leave? Now he's got a new boss who's giving him all the praise and making him feel like the big man.

I think you're right; he has checked out and he's treating you very unfairly.

Where was he when the children were ill or was it all down to you and your pension to take the hit?

What a prick.

You need to pay into your pension as a priority.

He sounds like an arrogant toad.

Stop doing anything for him.

No allergies here but a friend of mine has children with several and it is an enormous PITA.
She has to be very alert.

Could you cut back on the activities a bit as it sounds very full on.

OP, what free time do YOU have?

You need to TAKE some free time.
Reach out for support.

He sounds like a twat.
I'm sorry it has been so hard.

It's all very well posters saying it wasn't agreed that you would be a SAHM, but when there are 2 children and one partner is far too busy with their big important job to take time off for appointments, sickness etc, it's actually really difficult, expensive and stressful to be the parent with responsibility for everything to do with the children.

I worked part time when mine were little and if it wasn't for my cleaner, who was more like a mother's help, I could not have held down my job. It's funny how fathers rarely have this issue.

As for this comment Nonsense. There been plenty of threads on here with men unable to cope and not working. the threads I've seen where men are not working and unable to cope, the OP does all childcare, shopping, cooking etc despite being the one paying the bills!

Pretty depressing that women are bashing another woman who is looking for advice and support not criticism and ridicule.

OP I would continue with your plans to find a smaller place of your own and return to work. If your useless husband has the children 50% he might begin to appreciate all that you do.

"You need to keep talking and start acting to put this right. That includes finding childcare for the kids and doing things together again. If you don’t, then the connection will fade further and you can get to a point of no return."

Absolutely this. You definitely did the right thing @Imblooo taking time out for your mental health and your family so don't feel any guilty about this. Your body has carried two beautiful human beings which no man is able to do. Without you, he wouldn't have have children at all. It's more than understandable that your body has changed.

However you really need to focus on your marriage now and prioritise it or everything will fall apart. Your kids will be severely affected by any separation/divorce. Childcare, reducing/stopping non medical children's activities so you and husband have regular time to reconnect and be a couple is vital. Also counselling would be a good idea - be honest with him that you feel his feelings have changed towards you and that you understand he's very busy and he's taken on the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, but you feel both of you really need time to be a couple again and you would love both of you to work together on this. Come up with solutions ready to suggest so you're not just bringing problems/complaints.

@Imblooo

I think it's extremely sad that we, as a society have been brainwashed into believing that being a mother is "minor" in comparison to the big, corporate, economical world of work.

@Imblooo couldn't agree more. The early years particularly are so important and set the grounding for the rest of the child's whole adult life and often future generations. It's sad how some mothers (and fathers) view their own children and devalue their own role as present parents.

@whatthejiggeries why is the value of the "million pound" contract relevant ? So what if it's an expensive contract, it's not like they've been busy performing impressive life saving surgeries on people ! Whatever they do for work, a normal loving parent would be interested when they get home to hear how their child has been doing while they've been away from work and appreciate what the other parent has been doing too. They're no better or impressive than anyone else simply because they're working on some sort of expensive contract or glamorous (to some) sounding job. Unless you have a snobby/materialistic view of the world.

Counselling would be good to drive honest conversations. In my experience I wish I'd pushed for this as, although I know we were no longer right together, we could have separated amicably.

OP, what do you think is in your DCs best interests here as they have a perspective here too?

To be honest cooking meals and navigating allergies doesn’t really sound overly onerous (unless you eat out a lot for the latter), but looking after two small kids can be very hard work especially if you do lots of activities

How I laughed at this comment. I can't give you relationship advice but wanted to say that caring for small children, especially one with health and food issues is exhausting. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The amount of mental space required for this and the grinding groundhog dayness is tough. You're doing a great job, even if your Dh doesn't appreciate you.

@Imblooo

I think it's extremely sad that we, as a society have been brainwashed into believing that being a mother is "minor" in comparison to the big, corporate, economical world of work.

This

@Bluntness100

Some bitter answers, it’s interesting when a man stops working due to mental health and stays home the majority of answers are sympathetic to the woman carrying the financial burden, not seeing her kids, having to pay for everything, when it’s the other way around then the woman is a hero for staying home and the mans an arsehole if he doesn’t see it.

Gender biases are alive and well.

Gender bias like ignoring the fact OP had to juggle her job and children, rather than their father taking on half the load? That sort of gender bias?

For all the people saying you need to get a job... OP if you do stay together I'd only be restarting full time work if your husband is doing 50% of ALL other activities. In the home, the children. This includes 50% of the mental load.

Does he understand this is what's fair?

What utter nonsense.

I honestly think women who have to go to work to have a life are far less interesting than stay at home mums who are experiencing life on their own terms and watching their children grow at every step.

Do all of you who suggest going back to work to become more interesting spend your evenings talking about your jobs? God, I would find you a complete bore and quite sad that you are unable to forge a life for yourself without being worker.

Op, becoming a mother and stepping up to the challenge sometimes doesn’t suit men’s prerogative. They can turn into hard done by man children who do not offer anything other than finances to family life. That is far more off putting than a women or man for that matter steps up to the challenge of parenting.

I would seriously consider my options if resentment was building.

For the record, I am a part time working mother in a senior position within my profession. I would not find you boring because you do not work.

just for clarification, I don’t mean women who have to go to work to financially provide a life for themselves and family, I also need to do this. but women who consider other mothers who don’t go to work when they don’t need to financially, boring.

@User1357 Working mums also get to see their children grow up they don't disappear of the planet for 18 years but they have other things to talk about. You might not think you are boring but from other peoples perspective A lot of SAHM have very little to contribute to conversations other than what's happened with the children - because that's all that they are experiencing -most of which is quite banal and nothing anyone else hasn't also experienced with their kids. When that's all you get to converse on daily that gets very dull tbh. Maybe some other halves don't mind that but in this situation the OP said she thought her husband believed her to be boring and I am explaining why that might be. Getting something else going on in her life rather than just the kids could be great for her and give her something more interesting to talk about with her husband.

Hi op does he spend any time with his children over the weekend?
If not why not?
You could start carving out your own life from him - when do you get free time?
Can you see friends after he’s home from work or at the weekends?
You need a break for you.
Does the arse hole realise he will be having his children every other weekend!!!
Have you family you can share this with?
He’s not a husband is he?
Whatever his reasons for his disengagement he’s not communicating this with you?
It’s not up to you to fix this marriage.
Please stop finding flaws with yourself - it’s not you.
He’s a dick.
Start getting out more. Leave him with the children.
💐

Whatthejiggeries....my dh hates me talking about work, he does the obligatory smile nod and empathise to keep me sweet but he is not captivated. I am also not keen on listening to him drone on about his work stuff. We both work in quite interesting jobs but after 5 minutes it's only really interesting to us.

I know quite a few women who left careers to stay at home when the children were young and the idea that all they talk about is the kids is bizarre. They are all very interesting/interested in many things. They are all really well read, involved in various local things that are going on and generally have some creative skill they are learning. Their chat is always great and very rarely focusses on what Timothy ate for breakfast. I think you are boring or you are not -whether you work or stay home is irrelevant.

If the only thing that makes you interesting is work then I'm afraid that unless you are Oprah or maybe Richard Madeley...chances are you aren't very interesting.

Some disappointing responses on here. Sounds like he's checked out and has little respect for the OP.

I think you're right to be weighing up your options OP. Question though - if you do split, how will he continue to work full time and into the night while he shares custody of your children? Bet he hasn't thought about that.

I've had periods of maternity leave, unemployment etc etc. My husband still shows me interest and respect. Hes not perfect but he cares and shows me he cares. It's really not too much to ask.

Yes, it might not have been part of their plan for OP to not work, but life happens.

That's a bit insulting to say SAHPs only talk about children. If both teachers there are a load of industry issues to discuss that isnt related to dissecting the minutae of the day. When I've been off ill or on maternity leave we've still managed to have interesting chats about loads of stuff, brexit, things going on in the local area, maternity rights, whatever our mutual interests are.

If someone isnt interested in you though there is only so much you can do to change that. I feel for you OP because it's clear from your posts that you are doing everything you can to put effort into saving the marriage. What is he actually doing other than reacting for a few days then slipping into old habits? I am not sure if this is salvageable.

How did things work before kids and then after kids when you were still working? Was he more engaged then or were you so busy that it didn't bother you as much?

I think I'd carry on doing what you're doing for a few months but build up a network - see more of friends, take up hobbies, get out of the house more, do a course or something if you can (even if all evenings or weekends) so that you are less reliant on him for some kind of emotional connection and adult company. Then if you do split it wont be as much of a wrench if that makes sense