I just left my husband

[GrooveArmada]

I just left. Something has just broken in me. I am sat down in a packed up car in a car park about 5 miles away. I'm 34 weeks pregnant.

Long term poster, but too embarrassed to post under my usual username. What a shambles my life has become.

What should I do now? Has anyone done this before?

First of all, are you safe to drive I.e - calm?. Do you have anywhere you can go?

Do you have a joint account? If so transfer some money/withdraw some ASAP. Do you have somewhere safe to go? Think practically for a bit until you're safe. Good luck x

Just sit and think for a bit, you're the one that needs the house the most, you have a baby arriving soon unless you have someone that can put you up?
I don't know the circumstances why you left, if you want to share I'm sure you'll get more advice.

Yes, I am OK to drive.

We do have joint account, but it's only used for current bills. I also have my own account with some money there, plus my own savings ISA, credit card etc. I am/was the higher earner. However, I'm of course due to give birth and go on maternity, 3 months on full pay and then SMP.

I am not British, family and closest friends are abroad. I have been here for a long time though and have friends. I texted one of my friends few mins ago asking if I can stay but she hasn't replied yet.

I am wfh due to covid and work isn't keen for someone as heavily pregnant as me to go in. Not sure what to do now tbh.

Do you have family you can go to?

Otherwise, can you get yourself a hotel for the night?

Take some breathing space and have a rest, your next steps will become clear.

If your marriage is completely over, would you want to stay in the UK or be back with your family? If the latter, I would see what your options are for getting there before the baby is born. Otherwise you may end up stuck here.

There have just been so many things.

We've been together for nearly 10 years. He has many good qualities. However, he never ever prioritises me or even our baby now. I no more have any hope he'd ever change.

He just isn't capable of managing daily life, finances, planning, anything.

He's a terrible people pleaser, but only when it comes to third parties. He allows other people to treat him like a doormat and often the brunt of it hits me, and now my baby. He isn't assertive and has no ability to manage others and his closest family, i.e. I and the baby are always the afterthought.

He is way too laid back about things, to the point where he doesn't care.

He is such a peacekeeper that he'd rather lie to people, little white lies and big ones too, just to keep the peace and avoid conflict. This has created several major rifts between him and his family and between us, too. As a result I have no support from his family either because he upset them years ago.

He needs to be pushed to do anything in life, further his career in any way, despite holding several qualifications and being genuinely very knowledgeable and intelligent.

I just haven't got it in me to mother him any longer and be forgiving at a cost of an unbearable stress and mental load constantly on me. I don't want my son to learn these behaviours from him. I don't want an unhappy home for him, like mine was.

I have run myself to the ground. I really tried to get through to him in so many ways over the years and it all resulted in temporary improvements. He's nearly 40, he will not change.

I don't know what on earth to do now.

Hotel, food, bath, sleep.

Tomorrow is another day and you can start planning your next moves.

You will be OK.

I wouldn't come back to my home country, no, I'm in a specialist job with qualifications relevant specifically to the UK. It took me over 10 years to get where I am. I like living here and appreciate people around me, my friends and colleagues. I very much miss my mum, but she is retired now and in no place to offer for me and my son to live with her. I am (used to be?) an independent woman as well, I wouldn't want to do this now.

I just don't know how to go through the next few days, weeks, months. Where to love. DS will be so very little, how can I leave him at a nursery so young. How do I pay for everything myself. I make decent money, but never planned for raising him on my own and paying for everything. Don't know where to start.

The house is currently undergoing major renovation, entirely mismanaged by my husband. But it's subject to a still large, fixed term mortgage with 4 years left on it. I don't know where to even start with what.

Oh OP, deep breaths.

There is huge support on here and loads of practical people will be here soon to advise you.

I agree with a hotel for tonight - whatever is closest, Premier Inn or similar?

Then, bath, food, sleep.

Tomorrow you can deal with practical stuff.

Please keep posting so that we can keep supporting you, sending you hugs 🤗 and flowers 💐 .

Good luck, OP. I would also seriously consider flying asap (if you can) to be with your family. Alternatively, do not put your OH’s name on the birth certificate so that you are not stuck in the UK because of joint custody over children.

Thank you all

I am not going to slag him off with no mercy although he deserves that at times and he's not the usual LTB MN type. I am not going to prevent him from having contact with DS and I am not planning to move to my home country, like I said earlier.

I just feel so defeated, overwhelmed and like I fucked up my seemingly perfect life (on the outside). I am so upset I am in this place now, and my little boy who is my world after losing several pregnancies before. I am now about to put him through such shit just before the birth, is that even right. I feel awful.

You didn't fuck up your life. It sounds like you have tried and tried with your dh and he's the one letting you down.

Just be gentle with yourself, beating yourself up emotionally won't help. Get googling somewhere to stay tonight.

You will work out finances, housing, access and all that over time. You don't need answers to every question right now.

Yes, your life may end up looking different than planned, but it will also bring different opportunities.

My friend has just replied. I can stay with her and her partner for a few days. She's on the way to see me now, thank god. What would life be without friends!

You're not about to put him through shit. You and his father being together and incompatible would have greater consequences. He'll grow up with two loving parents who hopefully, can come to an agreement to parent him together whilst living apart.
But your priority tonight is to get to somewhere safe and comfortable. Your priority tonight is you. As a previous poster says be kind to yourself. Good luck

@GrooveArmada

My friend has just replied. I can stay with her and her partner for a few days. She's on the way to see me now, thank god. What would life be without friends!

That's great.

Glad you have somewhere to stay. I'd text your partner to let him know that you are safe, you have somewhere to stay and that you'll contact him in due course. Then turn your phone off as it sounds like you have a lot to work through and you need to do it calmly and logically without any pressure.

Can you mentally 'park' the big issues and tell yourself not to think about it just yet? I know some people can do this and others can't.

First - either ask yourself what do you want to eat? Or, if you don't feel like eating yet, find a cheap hotel or B&B instead (assuming your friend hasn't replied - but you might prefer the privacy of a hotel for a good cry.
Get a wrapped sandwich and snacks or similar for later, because even if you don't want to eat now, you might be hungry in a few hours.

In my experience, money is not the scary issue you imagine - we have a benefits system in this country, so you claim what you are entitled to and cut your spending to match, until in a few years you will be back at work full time - so don't worry about money right now.

For tomorrow - do you have enough access to credit or saving to put down money on a rented flat/room? Or do you want to get him to leave the house you were in (if you could afford it long term on one salary)? Longer term financial decisions will start with where you want to live.
Sending you a hug.

cross-post - great that your friend has replied

I have been in your shoes, and did something similar, and you will be glad for what you have done in time. I decided at 6 months to move and did move out at 37 weeks pregnant. It’s doable and a big step, and you obviously know what you are doing is in the best interest of you and your child.

I think there are a lot of practical things you will need to sort out in the coming weeks:

1. See a solicitor
2. Find a property for you to live in. With your son just a baby, you really could live in a 1 bed if necessary to keep your costs down and until the higher child care subsidy is available when he turns 3 and you have cheaper childcare costs then.
3. When you have a house lined up, call in your friends to help you pack and move as you obviously are in no condition to do it yourself.
4. Even now, draw up a budget. Have some sense of where you stand financially
5. Do a CMS calculation online to know what entitlement you have re contribution from your STBXH
6. See if your Mum can come over for the birth, and first month or so to provide you with practical and emotional support as you transition into parenthood - if your Mum would be a good support. If not, identify some close friends and ask for their particular support in the first 8 weeks of baby’s arrival.
7. Make a claim for child benefit as well as check to see if you are entitled to any other benefits.

There are probably more things but these are the first that jump out at me.

Your life is not a shambles. It takes great strength, courage and clarity to make a decision to leave, and will be so much better for your child than growing up in an environment of resentment, disharmony and conflict. You are brave and you will get through this

Just read this and I am sorry your going through this. You are very brave and you can so this. Sending much love x

Thank you all

I'm safe in my friend's house. She fed me too.

I have so much to think about and don't even know where to begin.

I've never claimed a penny in benefits, ever. No idea about this side of things.

I actually don't know what the right thing to do is. Would a reasonable thing be for me and DS to stay in the house? Or should we be moving out and finding a one bed to rent somewhere? Husband is British and has multiple family members living in the area. As I said, he's NC with some, but not with all of them. Genuine question, what is a reasonable arrangement here going forward? I'll obviously need to sit down with him and come to some sort of a decision soon.

Part of me wonders whether to share the house until it's more reasonable to sell it financially and do so as soon as possible then?

I can be civil about things, I think he can be too, if he'd agree to this. Is this a bad idea?

Also, he only sent me one short WhatsApp asking where I'm gone. I'm not even going to bother with responding to this, it's rather pathetic to be that 'concerned' about your heavily pregnant wife of 10 years.

Good luck, it takes a lot of courage. Your description of DH reminds me of a quote that has been on my mind a lot recently "nothing is more wearing morally than a weak husband".