I just left my husband

[GrooveArmada]

I just left. Something has just broken in me. I am sat down in a packed up car in a car park about 5 miles away. I'm 34 weeks pregnant.

Long term poster, but too embarrassed to post under my usual username. What a shambles my life has become.

What should I do now? Has anyone done this before?

Sending you strength. It will be tough but you will get through this xx

I don't see how sharing the home would benefit you?

Won't you just end up doing everything the same as before? You'd be no better off than you were before the split. Possibly worse off.

I would ask him to move out. He might.

If not, I'd see if it's affordable to get whatever essential work is needed on the house to make it saleable done by a contractor and then sell up asap.

Sorry your going through this op you need to take sometime to decide what's best for and baby stay at your friends and think about what you want. He sounds awful but only you can decide what you want maybe some space apart will help you.

This is the thing. I don't know if he's awful. He is genuinely nice, in a sense loved by everyone. Kind, great sense of humour. People love he's laid back about everything. No one really has a bad word to say about him.

So for a long time I thought is it me, am I exaggerating, should I be happy and put up and shut up, people aren't perfect. But I am not happy, I'm beyond drained. What MihaelaCW said above is spot on.

If he was like many men on MN, serial cheat and a massive abuser it would have possibly been clearer in my head a while ago that I have to leave him.

1st option, ask him to move out, you move back, but this is probably only a temporary solution unless you can afford the mortgage on your own.
2nd option, if he won't do 1st, consider if you are emotionally capable of living in the same house but separated, whilst pregnant - it could get difficult, but some people have the right temperament to manage it.
3rd option, bite the bullet and rent your own place now (which is what you would have to do eventually anyway if you can't pay for the house with only your salary). Then later consider whether you can buy somewhere new as a single person after the house is sold and you get your share.

What is reasonable is whatever is in your and your child’s best interests. Once I decided to leave, I remained in the home but kept a low profile until I was ready to leave. When I knew I had some money to survive after departure and another house to get too.

Others have said, try and sleep and see how you feel in the morning. This is good advice. Sleep helps clarity of purpose and clarity of mind.

If you both can be civil, for a period until the separation, it might well be in your best interest to return for a period. Only you can know.

The first step In making your decision - turning that mental and emotional corner of no return, that you can’t continue like this - has happened, and which is huge. The details of your new life will come apparent in the weeks and months ahead

He sounds fine to me? Are you just feelings hormonal and over whelmed. A bath and a sleep will help x

Did you tell him you were leaving him or did you just walk out apropos of nothing? Just wondering about his Whatsapp message.

Even when someone is living with a "massive abuser" as you put it, they don't find it clear cut whether to leave. In fact you will see them say variations of what you have said when they are struggling to leave: "if he hit me instead of financially abusing me then this decision would be easy" or "if he did this that or the other then this decision would be simple".

When you're in a situation it isn't ever simple or clear to see. That's the nature of being in the middle of a situation, you lose perspective.

And for the record even the most extreme abusers, rapists, murderers have positive qualities and people who love or like them. Humans are not either 'all bad' or 'all good', we are all a mixture of both so it doesn't matter that he is not pure evil if there is enough bad that it is not working for you and is detrimental to your life to continue. Staying purely because someone isn't evil personified is not a sound basis for such a decision!

As for practical things, sometimes it doesn't matter what's reasonable, it's what's feasible and sensible. If you've made the decision to end the relationship - and your reasons sounded rational and compelling to me - then moving back in there with him is unlikely to be helpful.

You don't need to have the rest of your life mapped out at this point, bring yourself back to the present and immediate future and focus on that, then go one step and one day at a time. Make a list if it helps then prioritise and cross things off (writing things down may also help calm your mind a bit).

He isn't fine, I have been feeling deeply unhappy, overloaded and not considered by him since long before this pregnancy. 😔

Take the money out of the account right now this minute. Stash it safe.
x

Great post whisteriaandwine, thanks. Lots to think about there.

I will have a cup of tea and try to sleep.

@Christmasfairy2020

He sounds fine to me? Are you just feelings hormonal and over whelmed. A bath and a sleep will help x

Really? "Fine"?

We've been together for nearly 10 years. He has many good qualities. However, he never ever prioritises me or even our baby now. I no more have any hope he'd ever change.

He just isn't capable of managing daily life, finances, planning, anything.

He's a terrible people pleaser, but only when it comes to third parties. He allows other people to treat him like a doormat and often the brunt of it hits me, and now my baby. He isn't assertive and has no ability to manage others and his closest family, i.e. I and the baby are always the afterthought.

He is way too laid back about things, to the point where he doesn't care.

He is such a peacekeeper that he'd rather lie to people, little white lies and big ones too, just to keep the peace and avoid conflict. This has created several major rifts between him and his family and between us, too. As a result I have no support from his family either because he upset them years ago.

He needs to be pushed to do anything in life, further his career in any way, despite holding several qualifications and being genuinely very knowledgeable and intelligent.

I just haven't got it in me to mother him any longer and be forgiving at a cost of an unbearable stress and mental load constantly on me. I don't want my son to learn these behaviours from him. I don't want an unhappy home for him, like mine was.

I have run myself to the ground. I really tried to get through to him in so many ways over the years and it all resulted in temporary improvements. He's nearly 40, he will not change.

I mean, I know we all have different standards and tolerances, but I wouldn't call living like that "fine". He's not the worst person who ever lived, clearly, and this is not the most unhealthy relationship ever described, but personally I think "fine" is a bit of a sad classification for this state of affairs.

And I told him I was leaving, but didn't know at the time where I was going, so I didn't say anything about that. I just had enough tonight, something has snapped inside me.

i think you need the house more than him so maybe askhim to leave-if youre the main earner he wont be able to afford it anyway i assume

No advice OP just sending love and hugs. Take things one day at a time

Hope you get some rest and it helps a bit.

Don't worry about it tonight, but for when you're ready to start thinking about next steps (or what might need to go on a 'to do' list) the Citizens Advice and Money Advice Service websites are both a wealth of free and reliable information.

They're good at breaking down all the basics you need to think about in ways that are easily processed when feeling overwhelmed, especially for things like benefits that you've not experienced before or thinking about getting yourself housed when it all feels too much to take on.

They can be useful when you feel like you need a bit of a guiding hand through all the administrative hassle of life at times like this.

Take care.

OP I’m glad you are safe with your friend and I would not even begin to question how you feel. However I do think you should let him Know you are safe. You are carrying his child and if you are going to co parent, even whilst separated you have to respect that he is the child’s father. From your description he does t sound like he’s going to come hammering on the door but he need to know this

Op you must be in state 💐 I walked out just like you, but I wasn’t pregnant. If you are serious about leaving him, then hope he agrees. It’ll make the process easier. You will get the house because you’re pregnant, but you mustn’t leave and live somewhere else. Just see a solicitor ASAP. And good luck 💐

OP you’ve been so brave and should be incredibly proud of yourself. Very tough, especially when there isn’t a specific trigger (more death by a 1000 cuts). I know a couple of self- centered narcissists who deserve leaving but who, to most outsiders, are seen as the most wonderful people. Bloody brutal being in a relationship with one. You have your lovely baby to mother and don’t need to be mothering a 40 year old man. Enough is enough. You have 100% done the right thing. The next few weeks, months won’t be easy, but one step at a time. Write the first 5 steps on a blank piece of paper tomorrow am and start to work through them. Wishing you every luck. You have got this 💪 x

I'd add to the list of things to do to check the mortgage documents. The break fees can be astronomical. I'd want to know if I could afford that as it can limit your options. I know friends who ported their fixed mortgage, if that might be an option.

Op you sound so so strong. You can absolutely do this

I think @Poolbridge made a fantastic reply to your post. She did it successfully under similar circumstances to you. Maybe have a read back once you have had some sleep and have a clearer head

Everything feels like a mess right now, but it's not. It's messy but it's fixable. Your son will be so much happier if he has a happy mum. Do this for you both

I really hope he isn't unreasonable and let's you stay in the home although the WhatsApp he sent you really confirms he does not give enough of a toss to consider you, his heavily pregnant wife, carrying his son... what a wanker

Glad you're safe, my opinion is you should stay in the house with baby and he goes.

Can you afford the mortgage on your own?

If you both have to stay in the house is there enough space for you to live relatively separately?

It is a 3 bed and 2 of us + baby (DS would stay with me) so technically he has two bedrooms to choose from. Obviously not ideal, but I am fully aware of the early repayment fees which are still astronomical. Selling in probably 2-3 years' time might be doable, ideally 4.

Could I afford the house on my own - to pay off the mortgage, yes, but without childcare costs. Nursery will be too much for me to juggle all costs on my own and I couldn't afford to buy him out either. I frankly don't know if I'd even be entitled to any benefits apart from child benefit and tax free childcare. I suspect I make more money than all the thresholds...but it doesn't mean I make enough to live in this house on my own with DS.

So I think in the best interest of my son, we'll have to come to a reasonable arrangement and sell up in few years' time. I would be prepared to do this, my focus is on my baby boy and will be for the next few years, so I don't actually care about still being formally married. I care more about not wasting money on early repayment charges that could be invested in my son's future instead.

I would prefer to live separately though, I think. I will need to have a discussion with him.

Death by a thousand cuts is exactly what has happened here. I thought I'd stay married for life and cope with ups and downs that inevitably form part of any relationship. But it's killed me, I just can't find it in me anymore and it is a personal disappointment to me, especially at this time.

I'm a lawyer myself. I have my head screwed on, but in a personal crisis I'm a human being, not an adviser. It's difficult to explain. I will ask my colleagues for advice once I work out the personal stuff because I don't want to discuss anything private when it's all up in the air. I guess one thing that I find helpful is some ability to see through this with some common sense, prioritising my son. I will probably see things even clearer once the initial shock goes away.

@Christmasfairy2020 How kind of you to totally doubt the OP here and declare her partner as "fine" and she is just "hormonal" You do realize that's really condescending misogyny you typed!

OP - I separated from my husband last summer after 20 years together and it was similar to your situation. He isn't an awful human being but I was unsatisfied and unhappy and knew it would never get any better. I thought about leaving him after 10 years together but I had just had a baby and wanted another so I didn't. Now looking back I wonder if I shouldn't have made the move sooner. I am far happier now I am on my own, despite the complications.

Trust your gut feelings. You sound like a very smart, capable woman and you can do it. You will work everything out and you will have been true to yourself.