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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shitter of a day

57 replies

Rdaisyleo · 28/06/2021 12:54

The last 6 years me and my partner have been ttc, I was told I had unexplained infertility and this year we had ivf. The first transfer failed. We're about to do another. I'm feeling fed up with my partner. He smokes and smokes weed. When we started ivf I had to beg him to stop smoking incase we got tested and he did the last week before our appointment... he stopped weed whilst we had ivf. After the failed cycle he's smoking like a chimney and is back to smoking weed... about a week before we started ivf I found he had messaged girls on Snapchat and got pictures of them and even said he was single.... absolutely lost my shit, but then I thought but what happens if this is my only chance to have a baby... he told me the reason for this was that I was constantly nagging him to stop smoking etc (even though it was for OUR potential baby).... he's shit with his money and I don't know how... he gets about 1800 a month to 2000 after tax and I make 1400... I ALWAYS have a float in my bank and have on many occasions helped him. Last month our cat cost us 500 and I paid and said you owe me half and for the last month's food shop... 400 in total... not paid me, says he's skint and needs to do overtime... I had a bad night's sleep last night, was awake from 1 till 4. He was up for about an hour an half... this morning I've gone to work and HE has called in sick coz he's tired... he got me a card this morning for my birthday which he wrote this morning, nothing else.

Sorry for the rant and it probably won't make sense when people read. I'm pissed off. It's my birthday and he is off work coz he's tired... how can we have a baby and pay bills if a baby keeps him awake at night... he can't save for shit. I'm fed up with him I think but feel stuck

OP posts:
JackieWeaversZoomAc · 28/06/2021 12:56

what exactly do you see in this prince of a man child?

SuperSange · 28/06/2021 12:58

Don't have a child with him. That's all I have to say really.

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 28/06/2021 13:01

Why are you even considering bringing a child into this? Does your baby deserve any of this?

litterbird · 28/06/2021 13:06

Run as fast as you can. Do not have a baby with him.

mistermagpie · 28/06/2021 13:09

I think this is one of those situations where the advice 'don't hang on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it' is appropriate.

This guy is a loser, anyone can tell you that, you know it yourself. He's not dad material, he's not a supportive partner, he's just out for himself. You know all this and yet you stay because you're invested in the relationship, you've been together a long time and you're away down the road of IVF which can be hard to abandon when it's the focus of your dreams.

I get it, but honestly if I was you I would cut your losses here and move on. He's not a good guy.

SnuggledUpInABlanket · 28/06/2021 13:12

He won't change because he doesn't want to. You can't make him.
What you can do is walk away before you bring a baby into this mess.

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 28/06/2021 13:13

You aren’t stuck, but you will be when you have a baby and feel you can’t leave and the baby grows up with a waste of space father. Google the sunk cost fallacy for relationships.

MrsUnderkracker · 28/06/2021 13:14

Please . Get away from him.

Run for the hills.

You aren't tied to him. Get out while
You can and find someone decent.

Rdaisyleo · 28/06/2021 13:14

NotTheCatsWhiskers .... when you are in that situation of thinking you are infertile and ivf is about to happen and that person makes you laugh everyday and you are desperate for a baby then you can make a comment like that but until then don't be so insensitive. People have babies everyday and treat them like shit, I know that we would love that baby to death.. don't comment with shitty pointless comments like that

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 28/06/2021 13:16

No, just no...

Read your post aloud.

Isn't the answer staring you in the face?

Rdaisyleo · 28/06/2021 13:17

What about the ivf... I have 6 embryos frozen

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 28/06/2021 13:19

@Rdaisyleo
Why are you getting irate about what @NotTheCatsWhiskers said?

She has succinctly summarised what everyone else has said.

Do not have a child with this loser!

FlowerArranger · 28/06/2021 13:19

Google 'sunk cost fallacy'...

CoddledAsAMommet · 28/06/2021 13:20

No, YOU would love the baby. This man doesn't love you and he won't love your child.

His actions are telling you who he is. You can either listen to us, move on with your life and find a proper father for your potential child or dig your heels in, put your fingers in your ears and be back here in 18 months moaning that your baby daddy's texting other women, won't pay his way and doesn't get up in the night. Your call.

Rdaisyleo · 28/06/2021 13:23

It was does your baby deserve any of this comment... like I'm going to ruin a childs life. A baby is all I've wanted for years and hearing someone say that just hurts. I'm sorry but I'm having a some sort of break down and hearing that just ruins me

OP posts:
Ohpulltheotherone · 28/06/2021 13:24

This is really complex and it’s not my place to suggest you leave someone who you share embryos with.

But I do want to say that unexplained fertility can sometimes be explained by an incompatibility of partners.
I know because it happened to me and my ex. We tried for years and almost went for ivf (we tried clomid, different tests, all sorts) but our relationship broke down unfortunately.

With a year of splitting up we both met new partners and now have multiple children each naturally with absolutely no issues conceiving.

This is anecdotal and it seems terrible for me to say it because infertility isn’t a reason to leave someone you love - but I do think it’s necessary for you to remember that you do have options outside of this relationship.

I’m sorry it’s so hard. Im sorry your partner prioritises weed over you. Infertility is so very painful. Take care of yourself OP

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 28/06/2021 13:25

@Rdaisyleo
Why are you getting irate about what @NotTheCatsWhiskers said?

Because the OP doesn’t like the replies.

He makes you laugh but smokes, smokes weed, Snapchat’s girls, tells them he’s single and is skint and you have to bail him out. But it’s ok because you’d love a baby.

Oh and don’t assume anything about me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/06/2021 13:27

Well you can’t have a baby with him, can you? Not because the ivf won’t work, I’m not talking about that. I mean because he’s an irresponsible man child who would make a terrible father.

CoddledAsAMommet · 28/06/2021 13:27

Well, giving a baby this particular father won't exactly enhance its life, will it?
Leave, find yourself someone better who actually WANTS a child, and make a family with him.
Your partner is saying he wants to be a dad in order to shut you up. If he actually wanted this, he'd have stopped smoking (especially weed), he'd be saving up and, more importantly, he'd be kind to you and speak to you with respect. Bringing a child into a relationship where one partner doesn't particularly want to be a parent is never a good idea.

yougettocomeback · 28/06/2021 13:39

Don't have a baby with this guy. He sounds hideous, useless and a waste of your time.

noirchatsdeux · 28/06/2021 13:46

@NotTheCatsWhiskers What did you think you were going to get in response? "Oh yes, he's a shit waste of space, but your desire for a baby overrides everything, so go ahead?"

Not going to happen. You can only change your behaviour, not his. He's happy as he is.

Itsprobablynotcominghome · 28/06/2021 13:47

Unrelated question:

If one half of a prospective set of adoptive parents was smoking weed, would they be declined?

What happens if the NHS find out he is smoking weed? Is that what you mean “if we got tested”? Do they decline you IVF?

Genuine questions.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/06/2021 13:49

@Itsprobablynotcominghome I thought the same thing re adoption!

Bythecooker · 28/06/2021 13:55

I think you have some tough things to think about but you know that and I don't think you need it hammered home any more. Sorry you are having a horrid birthday, take yourself somewhere for a cuppa and a piece of cake.

Rdaisyleo · 28/06/2021 13:57

I dunno about the weed but if he had gotten tested at our first ivf appointment for carbon monoxide I think it is and failed due to smoking. Then they will decline ivf until he has stopped

OP posts: