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Original poster

Shitter of a day

57 replies

Rdaisyleo · 28/06/2021 12:54

The last 6 years me and my partner have been ttc, I was told I had unexplained infertility and this year we had ivf. The first transfer failed. We're about to do another. I'm feeling fed up with my partner. He smokes and smokes weed. When we started ivf I had to beg him to stop smoking incase we got tested and he did the last week before our appointment... he stopped weed whilst we had ivf. After the failed cycle he's smoking like a chimney and is back to smoking weed... about a week before we started ivf I found he had messaged girls on Snapchat and got pictures of them and even said he was single.... absolutely lost my shit, but then I thought but what happens if this is my only chance to have a baby... he told me the reason for this was that I was constantly nagging him to stop smoking etc (even though it was for OUR potential baby).... he's shit with his money and I don't know how... he gets about 1800 a month to 2000 after tax and I make 1400... I ALWAYS have a float in my bank and have on many occasions helped him. Last month our cat cost us 500 and I paid and said you owe me half and for the last month's food shop... 400 in total... not paid me, says he's skint and needs to do overtime... I had a bad night's sleep last night, was awake from 1 till 4. He was up for about an hour an half... this morning I've gone to work and HE has called in sick coz he's tired... he got me a card this morning for my birthday which he wrote this morning, nothing else.

Sorry for the rant and it probably won't make sense when people read. I'm pissed off. It's my birthday and he is off work coz he's tired... how can we have a baby and pay bills if a baby keeps him awake at night... he can't save for shit. I'm fed up with him I think but feel stuck

OP posts:
Babdoc · 28/06/2021 14:03

OP, why is your self esteem so low that you think this loser is a suitable husband and father of your future children?
Please value yourself higher than this. You deserve a decent partner, not a financially inept, unfaithful, drug user.
Take the advice of all the PPs telling you to dump him. Have some counselling, find some pride, then look for a decent normal man, who will be what a partner ought to be.
Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and hard work, supporting this useless parasite as well as your children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/06/2021 14:06

He won’t stop smoking weed or save money or stop trying to cheat with other women for you, the person he’s meant to move more than anyone in the world. Why are you so sure he’ll stop doing those things for a baby?

No one’s saying you’re in a good place or don’t deserve sympathy but bringing up people who actively treat their children poorly as though that’s an adequate base line for comparison shows how wrong your thinking is on this.

Infertility is horrendous and you’re really struggling. The one person who is supposed to share the lows of this with you is your partner. He’s meant to be your shoulder to cry on, your comfort and support.

But he’s pretending he’s not with you and prioritising getting high and spending him money on crap instead. He can’t even be bothered making you have a decent birthday when he knows how difficult you’re finding life at the moment.

You know all of this. It’s why you posted.

Don’t blame other people for agreeing with you that he sucks. They’re sympathising with you more than you so called partner is. They’re also taking the information you’ve shared and are sensibly saying things won’t get better if you have a successful cycle and get your baby.

You’ll feel even more alone and unsupported. You’ll have saddled an innocent child with a useless dad. You’ll have an even greater financial burden and two people to look after, one of them a grown adult.

He’ll probably leave you for one of these other women, is that what you want for yours and a baby’s future?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 14:18

@AnneLovesGilbert

He won’t stop smoking weed or save money or stop trying to cheat with other women for you, the person he’s meant to move more than anyone in the world. Why are you so sure he’ll stop doing those things for a baby?

No one’s saying you’re in a good place or don’t deserve sympathy but bringing up people who actively treat their children poorly as though that’s an adequate base line for comparison shows how wrong your thinking is on this.

Infertility is horrendous and you’re really struggling. The one person who is supposed to share the lows of this with you is your partner. He’s meant to be your shoulder to cry on, your comfort and support.

But he’s pretending he’s not with you and prioritising getting high and spending him money on crap instead. He can’t even be bothered making you have a decent birthday when he knows how difficult you’re finding life at the moment.

You know all of this. It’s why you posted.

Don’t blame other people for agreeing with you that he sucks. They’re sympathising with you more than you so called partner is. They’re also taking the information you’ve shared and are sensibly saying things won’t get better if you have a successful cycle and get your baby.

You’ll feel even more alone and unsupported. You’ll have saddled an innocent child with a useless dad. You’ll have an even greater financial burden and two people to look after, one of them a grown adult.

He’ll probably leave you for one of these other women, is that what you want for yours and a baby’s future?

Please read this through and while doing so, don't allow a kneejerk response of being defensive. I think if you read it with an open mind, you'll surely see this is all true?
EKGEMS · 28/06/2021 14:19

Please consider ending this relationship-you don't have a man who is mature enough to be an equal partner in your marriage,much less as a parent. I imagine you must feel like the captain on the HMS Titanic right now but that's how I feel your situation is reading your post. Am so sorry your birthday has been so awful

MartyHart · 28/06/2021 14:41

Many wise posters are giving you the benefit of their experience.
He won't change, he won't have a personality transplant because you have a baby.
No one suggested you would mistreat your child but that you should pick someone better to have one with.
I'm sorry you are having a crap birthday but if this behaviour doesn't open your eyes to how little he cares then I don't know what else we can say.

DianeCherry · 28/06/2021 14:50

Is it possible to have ivf using a sperm donor?

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/06/2021 14:55

@Rdaisyleo

I dunno about the weed but if he had gotten tested at our first ivf appointment for carbon monoxide I think it is and failed due to smoking. Then they will decline ivf until he has stopped
Then stop kidding yourself that he's as desperate for this baby as you are, or that he'd make a good father. He's perfectly happy as he is and has no intention of changing for anybody.
Nanny0gg · 28/06/2021 14:56

@Rdaisyleo

I dunno about the weed but if he had gotten tested at our first ivf appointment for carbon monoxide I think it is and failed due to smoking. Then they will decline ivf until he has stopped
Why do you want a baby (strike that. Child) to have to live with a drugged up smoker?

He may well be the reason you can't conceive.

Nanny0gg · 28/06/2021 14:58

@Rdaisyleo

It was does your baby deserve any of this comment... like I'm going to ruin a childs life. A baby is all I've wanted for years and hearing someone say that just hurts. I'm sorry but I'm having a some sort of break down and hearing that just ruins me
You may not ruin a child's life, but there's a fair chance he will (and ruin yours in the process)
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/06/2021 14:59

You may as well have a baby on your own than with this loser tbh, he is horrific.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/06/2021 15:02

@Rdaisyleo

It was does your baby deserve any of this comment... like I'm going to ruin a childs life. A baby is all I've wanted for years and hearing someone say that just hurts. I'm sorry but I'm having a some sort of break down and hearing that just ruins me
You're not thinking clearly (understandably, perhaps) You wanting this child so desperately doesn't guarantee it'll have a good life, because you've chosen a father who not only doesn't appear to give a toss, but seems to be actively trying to sabotage the whole process. It's a mess.
Enough4me · 28/06/2021 15:07

OP, you know he's looking for other women now at a point when you give him attention and can have lots of sex, what is going to stop him when you're pregnant or with a newborn and cannot run around or pay for him?

If he's not bothered to get you a birthday gift when he knows you're hurting he won't care if a pregnancy has complications or your baby has additional needs. You would be better off finding a new partner.

SingingInTheShithouse · 28/06/2021 15:09

I've migraine, so couldn't take in the while post

I got as far as ' smokes & smokes weed"

An old friend was I exactly your situation some years ago.

She told him to quit the weed after learning that smoking lowers his sperm count, or move out.

He quit the weed & she was pregnant within 6 months

Your DP needs to pull his socks up big time & make more effort. Why is he not doing everything in his power to help you conceive? Are you sure he is really 100% on board with this?

Mabelene · 28/06/2021 15:18

Don’t have a baby with this loser. Smokes weed, shit with money, skives off work.
A real Prince among men 🙄

Mabelene · 28/06/2021 15:18

Oh and tells other women he’s single? Really? What’s that about?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 15:22

However much you want a baby doesn't take away the selfishness of having one with someone you know to be a liar, cheat (Snapchat messaging, I mean how old is he?!) and most importantly - a drug user.

I'm adopted and my parents waited years and suffered huge heartache over the years before adopting. I myself understand fertility struggles and am yet to have a baby, I am desperate to be a mum.

But you need to put children first. Having one with this loser, because he's there and because he makes you laugh isn't in my opinion anywhere near to being fair on a baby.

BrimfulOfBaba · 28/06/2021 16:22

He doesn't sound like a great partner. If it weren't for the embryos, would you want to make a go of it?

Is seeking some sort of legal agreement re: usage of the embryos and coparenting, but not being in a relationship, an option? You deserve to be with someone who doesn't Snapchat other women and then blame it on you.

Yaykyay · 28/06/2021 16:38

@Rdaisyleo

It was does your baby deserve any of this comment... like I'm going to ruin a childs life. A baby is all I've wanted for years and hearing someone say that just hurts. I'm sorry but I'm having a some sort of break down and hearing that just ruins me
Sorry op but just because you desperately want a child does not mean it's fair to saddle a child with this waste man as a dad. It might hurt to hear but it's true. It's about your wants and needs. Please don't have a child with him.
YarnOver · 28/06/2021 16:48

@Rdaisyleo

What about the ivf... I have 6 embryos frozen
Don't have them with him!!!
Justmeandme19 · 28/06/2021 17:51

I get it I really do. I've had fatility issues and was very lucky to have a child. Several years later and I'm now divorced.
If I was honest I wander how much I ignored as I was desperate to have a baby! It consumes your whole life. BUT even though I was lucky enough to have a child, through Ivf, my child doesn't see their father because he's a drug using, domestic abusive man who has left them in some dreadful situations. The courts have agreed no contact. Now I can honestly say he wasn't taking drugs during our relationship, but there was evidence of disfunction and a lot of things I ignored.
I don't regret having children, but I wish I hadn't been so consumed and lost sight of his inability to be a decent parent. I have to live with the decisions I made... And so does my child/s.
Your able to make a better dicision for your future child/s. You have the knowledge and you know in your heart he's not dad material. I also had left over embryos and allowed them to go to medical science, because I didn't want another child to have such a poor father.
Please think long and hard about the disisions you are making as they may well effect you and and possible children for a very very long time.

DismantledKing · 28/06/2021 17:58

So he smokes dope, messages other women, is shit with money, is a leech and doesn’t bother with your birthday.
He’d be a shit dad, and you know it.

wewereliars · 28/06/2021 17:59

Have a baby on your own OP, you will be doing all the work on your own anyway Flowers

Jellyred · 28/06/2021 18:13

Gosh.

As someone who went through nearly a decade of IVF I get how you feel, my DH is poles apart from yours and a great DH and Dad, but I can understand your emotional position.

However my bio dad is like your DH and it ruined much of my life. It knocked my self esteem, as a child I struggled with my dad abandoning me (as your DP will trust me) and that legacy has stayed to this day, my 40s.

Having eventually had a child, I cannot tell you how vulnerable you become and how much you will need a reliable DP. Your DP will add problems.

My head says you need to not lumber a child with this man as a dad. You will have a shit parenting experience with him.

My heart says I get the need for a child at any means necessary.

How old are you OP? If unexplained infertility it’s probably his lifestyle and depending on age you may have better options.

RaginaFalangi · 28/06/2021 18:24

You've said he makes you laugh but he does not respect you, smokes weed, Snapchat girls, doesn't contribute to bills because he isn't good with money. I get its difficult but run for the hills you will be better off.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/06/2021 18:27

You've said he makes you laugh but he does not respect you, smokes weed, Snapchat girls, doesn't contribute to bills because he isn't good with money
You'd have to wonder what exactly op is laughing about...