Hard to forget friendship with ow

[dausychain47]

Long story hubby took lady for lunch. Pretty sure more to it but let it go as didn't want separation.
Feels like unfinished business that I didn't tell him there were some other occasions that I know he wasn't where he said he was. Don't know what he was doing but couple of other times he was in a different area to where he said. Not seen anything like this since that time I confronted him re his lunch.I know it will blow up if I mention this as he will know I checked him more than he thought. He still has contact with her on professional basis.
At time had lost weight that was ongoing and feeling better about myself.
Hubby was going to leave marriage when questioned about ow but stayed and has half heartedly apologised. Not crawled/grovelled on floor like I would have liked but we are are ok. I spoke to her and she said just friends. She really pisses me off as much as him.
I went on to lose more weight and felt good but in last year have put three stone back on. One of things he said was he wasn't attracted to me when I confronted him about his lunch with lady friend. It's hard to unhear that now and he says nice things all the time but I think back to that time.
I am worried that I have put a lot weight back on and I need to get it off but feeling very down and tearful recently.
I actually had to take time off work as just felt so low today. I pretended to hubby I had stomach problem as didn't want him knowing nothing physically wrong. But I'm feeling very low today.
Any advice/words of wisdom would be good.
Also can anyone recommend a good weight loss club that isn't too expensive.

Have you tried jogging/walking? Can you make yourself go out every morning, whatever the weather? Could you make yourself accountable to someone so that you do actually go?

If u get rid of him that would be a good few stone lost!!!

Yeah need to do as love walking and was doing loads but got low mood at moment and just don't find much happiness in anything these days.
Always feel anxiety. Horrible feeling.

@KenAddams

If u get rid of him that would be a good few stone lost!!!

😂Not what I want though.

Weight loss isn’t your issue.

He said that to keep you busy and angsting about it so you don’t nose too much into his business.

Now you’re twisting yourself into knots trying to be thin because if you don’t he’ll cheat?

That’s no life for you, surely? How long ago was the lunch?

If you want to keep him at all costs it’s a dangerous position to be in

Its not weight you need to lose.

His treatment of you has made you feel this way. Does he deserve you sacraficing your peace of mind, health, happiness and self esteem when all he has offered is a half hearted apology? are you avoiding raising your suspicion over the other dates because you fear that your instinct is correct and fear the truth? swallowing down your suspicion and your own hurt is damaging to you. Maybe you would feel better if you just dragged everything in to the open?

Do you think the weight gain is due to anxiety and your feelings? I know I really struggle with this and use food as an emotional crutch.

How long ago was this? it takes a long time to come to terms with some things as feelings aren’t instantly turned off especially if you feel partner isn’t contrite.

I think I would go for counselling to unpick your feelings and what you need to move forward. The fact that you regard it as unfinished business means there probably needs some further discussion with your partner.

You want to keep him, for whatever reason, so you need to work to get past it. Or it will eat you up. He will not grovel on the floor.

But realistically can you go through life terrified that if you put on weight, your dh will fuck someone else?

What happens when you're getting wrinkly, when things start to sag, when you go grey or lose your hair? What happens if you get ill and have to be on steroids and get that puffy steroids look?

If you can't trust him, you haven't got a marriage worth having.

@Maunderingdrunkenly

Weight loss isn’t your issue.

He said that to keep you busy and angsting about it so you don’t nose too much into his business.

Now you’re twisting yourself into knots trying to be thin because if you don’t he’ll cheat?

That’s no life for you, surely? How long ago was the lunch?

I was losing weight before his meal with this women. He had never criticised my appearance or weight in 30 yrs of our relationship. He always said lovely things. It was the first time. He had been really supportive when I was losing weight and only said the comment when I confronted him about his meal out. So I understand why you said this but I don't think that was the case. That's why comment hurt so much too as I was improving appearance and happy. I was so shocked when he had gone to lunch with this woman as so out of character for him. He has always been my go to person and it was weird but I felt like I was losing him back then. Almost did I think. Always anxious now although he seems hundred percent with me.

This was two years ago and anxiety is everyday now

Yeah precisely though - classic deflection? He spits out a devastating insult (designed to hit you where you’re most insecure) exactly at the time his behaviour is being questioned? Did that take the wind out of your sails regarding questioning him? If so it had the desired effect, and still is two years on.

If I sound harsh it’s because I’ve seen so many women of my acquaintance twist themselves into knots about what they can do differently, and it’s almost always projection/deflection from the other party.

Lose weight as and when you feel like it, for your own health or happiness reasons.

Hang on. He went out for lunch with a female friend 2 years ago and you’re accusing him of having an OW?

So he never actually cheated with this woman to the best of your knowledge?

Obviously it’s impossible to know the state of your relationship, but if my partner started accusing me of having an affair and having anxiety over it years on based on one lunch I too wouldn’t be finding him very attractive, overweight or not.

You need to seek out some therapy to bring your own self esteem on track.

And you need to stop being so controlling of your DH.

Ultimately if he has an affair you’re not going to be able to stop that, but at the moment, other than a lunch 2 years ago, there’s no evidence of an affair is there?

@AlternativePerspective

Hang on. He went out for lunch with a female friend 2 years ago and you’re accusing him of having an OW?

So he never actually cheated with this woman to the best of your knowledge?

Obviously it’s impossible to know the state of your relationship, but if my partner started accusing me of having an affair and having anxiety over it years on based on one lunch I too wouldn’t be finding him very attractive, overweight or not.

You need to seek out some therapy to bring your own self esteem on track.

And you need to stop being so controlling of your DH.

Ultimately if he has an affair you’re not going to be able to stop that, but at the moment, other than a lunch 2 years ago, there’s no evidence of an affair is there?

Yeah I get how it sounds. He went to work and lied that still at work but was in fact in fancy place with this lady who is a professional client but this was on a day where he wasn't at a meeting with her.

@AlternativePerspective

Hang on. He went out for lunch with a female friend 2 years ago and you’re accusing him of having an OW?

So he never actually cheated with this woman to the best of your knowledge?

Obviously it’s impossible to know the state of your relationship, but if my partner started accusing me of having an affair and having anxiety over it years on based on one lunch I too wouldn’t be finding him very attractive, overweight or not.

You need to seek out some therapy to bring your own self esteem on track.

And you need to stop being so controlling of your DH.

Ultimately if he has an affair you’re not going to be able to stop that, but at the moment, other than a lunch 2 years ago, there’s no evidence of an affair is there?

Don't have problem with people having own life. Just don't like lies as that is when I think something more up. Also when I asked him why he said he was at work when in restaurant he then hurled insults as previous post and didn't want to be with me? Three days before on our Wedding anniversary he had sent me card saying he loved me and thanking me for all I do for him. I'm not a controlling person it's just knocks you back when you are lied to and insulted.

Would other people be bothered if oh went to lunch in a restaurant that they had been in with partner and pretended to still be at work?
Or am I controlling as previous person just said?

You're not controlling. Your go-to number one person who you thought would always have your back, your best friend, lied to you about his whereabouts.
After such a long time together, your world has been rocked. Your brain cannot comprehend it. It sounds like you experienced some trauma and could have PTSD.
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor?

Thing is OP your response was so extreme that that could explain why he lied to you in the first place.

I suspect this isn’t the first time you’ve reacted like this to something he’s done.

And while I can see that you might not have been happy that he went to lunch with someone else and didn’t tel you, having panic and anxiety attacks about this one lunch date two years on really isn’t healthy.

@AlternativePerspective

Thing is OP your response was so extreme that that could explain why he lied to you in the first place.

I suspect this isn’t the first time you’ve reacted like this to something he’s done.

And while I can see that you might not have been happy that he went to lunch with someone else and didn’t tel you, having panic and anxiety attacks about this one lunch date two years on really isn’t healthy.

My response wasn't extreme I just asked him why he was in this restaurant when he told me he was at work. He then proceeded to tell me lies that he was with one of his mates and then two days later it transpired it was this women. On the contrary it was him who had the extreme reaction with me. He didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me, had wandering eye, wanted marriage to end etc. By end of week he had changed his mind and we stayed together so I am not sure why you say I had a extreme reaction?

OP cannot help having anxiety and panic attacks. What she experienced was sudden and inexplicable to her. Never before had he ever criticised her appearance or shown any sign he was unhappy with being with her or not attracted to her.
He said he wasn't attracted to her to misdirect her from her questioning of him. He was an animal caught in the headlights and said the first thing he could think of to stop her from questioning him.
The fact that he's still with her means that he loves her.
Come on, OP, I am sure there are ways mumsnet users can support you. How about being accountable to us and reporting back daily on how far you've walked? Do you have a step counter?
He's still with you, OP. He wants to be there with you. He will find other women attractive since all men (and women) do from time to time. She's still around, so what?!
Be the most beautifully irresistible person you know you are and can possibly be.

@Rainsleetsnowhere

You're not controlling. Your go-to number one person who you thought would always have your back, your best friend, lied to you about his whereabouts. After such a long time together, your world has been rocked. Your brain cannot comprehend it. It sounds like you experienced some trauma and could have PTSD. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor?

I feel I have had a bad reaction to this as I know a few other times he was elsewhere prior to this and I haven't mentioned these times as they were just areas he was in but they do bug me as I don't know what he was doing in those towns. I just tell him when having a coffee with a girlfriend etc so it is strange to me. We never hid where we were from each other before so it does bother me.

@Rainsleetsnowhere

OP cannot help having anxiety and panic attacks. What she experienced was sudden and inexplicable to her. Never before had he ever criticised her appearance or shown any sign he was unhappy with being with her or not attracted to her. He said he wasn't attracted to her to misdirect her from her questioning of him. He was an animal caught in the headlights and said the first thing he could think of to stop her from questioning him. The fact that he's still with her means that he loves her. Come on, OP, I am sure there are ways mumsnet users can support you. How about being accountable to us and reporting back daily on how far you've walked? Do you have a step counter? He's still with you, OP. He wants to be there with you. He will find other women attractive since all men (and women) do from time to time. She's still around, so what?! Be the most beautifully irresistible person you know you are and can possibly be.

Thankyou so much. I will push myself to be more positive. Just feeling low at this time. Had a lot of problems with teenage son and parents ill health in last few years so just got abit stressed too. Teenager son in much better place. But everything has been abit overwhelming. It was a time when I was really trying to better myself and then he didn't want to be with me. He is with her now as she is a work client. She is married with children. Looks nothing like me. Total opposite.

Situation reminds me abit if Matt Hancock scenario 😂

Your reaction to him being in a restaurant with another lady and the lying seem normal to me,he sounds like a right snake and not doing your confidence any good whatsoever.
I think you know you deserve better but maybe you fear leaving him because the thought of being on your own is difficult