Hard to forget friendship with ow

[dausychain47]

Long story hubby took lady for lunch. Pretty sure more to it but let it go as didn't want separation.
Feels like unfinished business that I didn't tell him there were some other occasions that I know he wasn't where he said he was. Don't know what he was doing but couple of other times he was in a different area to where he said. Not seen anything like this since that time I confronted him re his lunch.I know it will blow up if I mention this as he will know I checked him more than he thought. He still has contact with her on professional basis.
At time had lost weight that was ongoing and feeling better about myself.
Hubby was going to leave marriage when questioned about ow but stayed and has half heartedly apologised. Not crawled/grovelled on floor like I would have liked but we are are ok. I spoke to her and she said just friends. She really pisses me off as much as him.
I went on to lose more weight and felt good but in last year have put three stone back on. One of things he said was he wasn't attracted to me when I confronted him about his lunch with lady friend. It's hard to unhear that now and he says nice things all the time but I think back to that time.
I am worried that I have put a lot weight back on and I need to get it off but feeling very down and tearful recently.
I actually had to take time off work as just felt so low today. I pretended to hubby I had stomach problem as didn't want him knowing nothing physically wrong. But I'm feeling very low today.
Any advice/words of wisdom would be good.
Also can anyone recommend a good weight loss club that isn't too expensive.

@Hollywolly1

Your reaction to him being in a restaurant with another lady and the lying seem normal to me,he sounds like a right snake and not doing your confidence any good whatsoever. I think you know you deserve better but maybe you fear leaving him because the thought of being on your own is difficult

I love him and can't imagine life without him but can't unthink things. I know if there is anything like this I will not be able to cope or stay together as this eats me up. Some women come across as more confident than me but some people have had different relationship with their partner and used to them doing this. If he had been like this at start of relationship I would know. It's just so unusual for him. Also he always said about women who are too thin snd this women is a rake. I'm not criticising this as I need to lose weight again but she isn't what he has said he would be attracted to previously. Then after his dinner with her 30 yrs of our marriage almost gone! That's why I am confused/anxious.

You need to trust, OP, that even if she looks like a supermodel that there will be something, eventually, that strikes him as unattractive about her. When he compares that to his very long relationship with you, and thinks about his future, it will be you who is utmost in his thoughts, not her.

He was an absolute shit for saying what he said to you at a time you needed support. That may just be his immaturity coming through, as it sounds to me like you and him haven't had to address much in the way of relationship problems before, is that right?

With her now at work.
It does my head in every week

@Rainsleetsnowhere has given you sound words of support and advice.

I have been where you are and it is horrible. My DH also lashed out with words when I challenged him about lying to me. He couldn’t cope with being caught out so said some hurtful things to perhaps make me feel as bad as he was feeling. It’s not constructive but it is what humans often do when they are challenged. In our case it stemmed back to childhood when DH’s parents would accuse him of lying. It hit a raw nerve when I did the same.

So listen to @Rainsleetsnowhere because they are right. Try to keep yourself in the here and now. Time spent reflecting on what is in the past will tie you up in knots. If he is 100% with you now then make that your priority. I do understand though. If I think back to the past I start to feel as though we have no future because that is what it felt like then.

@Rainsleetsnowhere

You need to trust, OP, that even if she looks like a supermodel that there will be something, eventually, that strikes him as unattractive about her. When he compares that to his very long relationship with you, and thinks about his future, it will be you who is utmost in his thoughts, not her.

He was an absolute shit for saying what he said to you at a time you needed support. That may just be his immaturity coming through, as it sounds to me like you and him haven't had to address much in the way of relationship problems before, is that right?

Not a lot. Overall I would have said happy times. But when we have had disagreements it's usually he's not happy with me-not often but he has said yearsbgone by he's not happy or whatever. It's never been me saying I don't want to be with him.

[quote PeridotPenelope]**@Rainsleetsnowhere has given you sound words of support and advice.

I have been where you are and it is horrible. My DH also lashed out with words when I challenged him about lying to me. He couldn’t cope with being caught out so said some hurtful things to perhaps make me feel as bad as he was feeling. It’s not constructive but it is what humans often do when they are challenged. In our case it stemmed back to childhood when DH’s parents would accuse him of lying. It hit a raw nerve when I did the same.

So listen to @Rainsleetsnowhere because they are right. Try to keep yourself in the here and now. Time spent reflecting on what is in the past will tie you up in knots. If he is 100% with you now then make that your priority. I do understand though. If I think back to the past I start to feel as though we have no future because that is what it felt like then.[/quote]
Yeah that's what I want to do.
I think also because it was such a shock. I went to work in morning feeling happy/contentment and by teatime he didn't want to be with me.
I was so shocked......😰

I'm sure you posted this on a different thread and user name a few days ago.....
I made several replies and you said you were going to turn over new leaf and start again...but here you are again.
As many others have said you don't even know he did anything wrong.
I have to be honest I think you will keep being like this ....you can't let it go. And if that's the case then you must end it .
You are still doing what you said you weren't going to do anymore.
You have 2 choices..1....you move on and sort yourself out mentally
2 you finish it
You cannot keep living like this, it's crazy.
Your husband went for a meal on a work thing and for 2 years you are still like this?

@Pixie1771

I'm sure you posted this on a different thread and user name a few days ago..... I made several replies and you said you were going to turn over new leaf and start again...but here you are again. As many others have said you don't even know he did anything wrong. I have to be honest I think you will keep being like this ....you can't let it go. And if that's the case then you must end it . You are still doing what you said you weren't going to do anymore. You have 2 choices..1....you move on and sort yourself out mentally 2 you finish it You cannot keep living like this, it's crazy. Your husband went for a meal on a work thing and for 2 years you are still like this?

What he did wrong was lying about whereabouts and things he said to me after when I asked him a simple question about where he was. He wanted to end marriage and then changed mind so when people say he did nothing saying you want to end a 30 yr old relationship isn't nothing! I just can't get past this at the moment.

It's not unusual @Pixie1771 for people with PTSD to find themselves sort of 'stuck' even when they have moments of positivity where they may plan changes in their lives. As I understand it, the moment of shock which creates PTSD is not processed by the brain in the usual way. To use an analogy, the brain kind of 'freezes' that experience in the moment, because it is so shocking to the individual. The experience is both shielded off to protect the psyche, but is also continually present because it hasn't been processed. Normal cognition does not work; the rational brain simply cannot process the experience. The emotional psyche tries to take over, but that just causes even more problems because the memory of it is even more firmly entrenched by the association of emotion with memory.
Some people make light of marital problems and won't accept it could possibly be PTSD because PTSD has been commonly associated with military personnel. Some people get frustrated that those who have experienced marital problems cannot just pull themselves together after two years. But all kinds of experiences can cause PTSD.
If you have been living a life where you think of yourself as someone's adored partner, no real concerns and then suddenly without warning, you are told that you are no longer wanted: that kind of experience can most definitely inflict trauma.

@Thinkingoutsidethebox

It's not unusual *@Pixie1771* for people with PTSD to find themselves sort of 'stuck' even when they have moments of positivity where they may plan changes in their lives. As I understand it, the moment of shock which creates PTSD is not processed by the brain in the usual way. To use an analogy, the brain kind of 'freezes' that experience in the moment, because it is so shocking to the individual. The experience is both shielded off to protect the psyche, but is also continually present because it hasn't been processed. Normal cognition does not work; the rational brain simply cannot process the experience. The emotional psyche tries to take over, but that just causes even more problems because the memory of it is even more firmly entrenched by the association of emotion with memory. Some people make light of marital problems and won't accept it could possibly be PTSD because PTSD has been commonly associated with military personnel. Some people get frustrated that those who have experienced marital problems cannot just pull themselves together after two years. But all kinds of experiences can cause PTSD. If you have been living a life where you think of yourself as someone's adored partner, no real concerns and then suddenly without warning, you are told that you are no longer wanted: that kind of experience can most definitely inflict trauma.

I was going to have counselling but didn't have much re affording it. I was going to have the eye twitching therapy-can't remember what it is called now

I have been let down by friends and boyfriends previously but he was my go to person so now I feel alone, scared, unsafe incase this happens again.
Wish I wasn't like this. Don't want to feel this way but can't snap out of it.
So frustrating.

I totally get that and believe me it's closer to home for me than you think. But I feel op should probably end it as she clearly cannot get over it. In fairness to herself and the husband.
Otherwise the rest of her life will be spent like that.
I'm not being cruel etc, I'm just pointing out that this is an identical thread to a few days ago....
I'm sorry she feels like this, it's horrible ...but life will slip away if it carries on like this

@Pixie1771

I totally get that and believe me it's closer to home for me than you think. But I feel op should probably end it as she clearly cannot get over it. In fairness to herself and the husband. Otherwise the rest of her life will be spent like that. I'm not being cruel etc, I'm just pointing out that this is an identical thread to a few days ago.... I'm sorry she feels like this, it's horrible ...but life will slip away if it carries on like this

What's happening with your relationship or would you rather not say?

Like @Pixie1771 I remembered your previous thread due to the shared details.

You had some great advice and I wonder whether rather than continuing to post on that thread, you started a new one?

I don't say that to be harsh or be the thread police, I just think it's important you think about why you start a new thread rather than continue an old one, as I think it's probably because you know the answer already but don't feel ready to accept it.

Either he was up to no good and cheating / thinking about cheating etc in which case he is still lying, you're still not able to move past it (I wouldn't be able to) and so the relationship is fundamentally unhealthy.

OR

You've overreacted or have been controlling in the past so his lie was due to fear of a controlling or dramatic partner in which case the relationship is fundamentally unhealthy.

Either way, it's a fundamentally unhealthy dynamic that is making you anxious and unsettled. It's no way to live.

You are right.
I'm not ready to accept it.
Need to help myself but can't at the moment.
I keep posting like there is going to be some miracle answer but there isn't.

I think he was on cusp of emotional affair which could have led on but didn't due to me finding out re dinner.
They are still friends though and she hasn't stopped the work meetings with him which they both could have done.
I think that's what doesn't help me to move forward as they are in contact every week still.

You've......thats exactly it, the op had the answers and advice but hasn't continued on thst thread, I think you have hit the nail on the head....she knows the answer but xant accept the route out.
I'm barely on here, so if I saw it twice then I'm sure plenty of others have. I have only ever responded to one other thread so I'm certainly not looking out for ways to out the op.
Like I say...op has to move on or get out. The 2 scenarios you describe are spot on. Either way the relationship will not improve unless action is taken by the op.
I'm not suggesting her husband didn't do anything...maybe he did but maybe he lied as he knew the consequences of living with someone who would blow up if he knew he was having a work lunch with a female.

She knew I wasn't happy re the lunch as I rung her and questioned why she was with him. She played it all down.
She still has contact with him and WhatsApp.

@KenAddams

If u get rid of him that would be a good few stone lost!!!

Yes this, is he going to have an affair everytime you put a few pounds on. What happens when you hit the menopause.

Op....I know you keep posting to look for an answer thst only you can make but it isn't helping you. Stop posting and thinking about it because all you do is get embroiled in what you to perceive is the unfairness of it all.
If you feel you can't get over this meal episode and the continued work meetings then I'm sorry to say you would be better off out if it.
Imagine if your oh hasn't done anything wrong but you're going over the same ground day after day fir nothing.....and taking it on him with perpetual questions and answers....no wonder he lost his rag and said those things. I know thsts only one side but its possible.

He has lots of other female clients and friends etc.
Never had a problem with any of them as I knew when he was with them so please don't make me out to be some psycho stalker as that isn't the case at all.
He has been abroad many times without me on business etc.
He has another female client/friend that he links with for work/training. No problem with her as she talks to me snd I know when things are with them.
There have been lots of other women in his work life and they have been absolutely fine.

Op. I have just read you rang the woman after the lunch...shecsaud it was innocent, your oh said it was innocent. It was a work related meal, I'm sorry but I don't think you can carry on doing this without any proof.

I'm.not making you out to be that at all. But there's no proof and you are driving yourself insane.
I'm only trying to help, if you can't live like this then you must meave and start a fresh.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Agree with @Thinkingoutsidethebox. PTSD is possible from any kind of trauma and for the OP this was a traumatic event.

But Thankyou for all the advice on here and other threads.
I think I will stop posting as am consumed and don't want to irritate people on here.
One of the reasons I have been posting on here is I can't afford counselling and didn't want to nag him etc so it has been my way of venting my feelings and getting support.
Some of you have said that my nagging or whatever would drive him away but that is exactly why I anonymously came onto a forum so I could talk freely here rather than having a go at him.
I hardly ever have a go at him. I should have gone ballistic but didn't.
Thanks again everyone for taking time to give me advice.