Husband masturbating next to me while he thinks I'm asleep

[Girl189]

I am a newbie and this is my first post. I've browsed Mumsnet over the years but never had the courage to post until now.

My DH (9 years as a couple) wakes in the middle of the night to masturbate. We have a super king bed and a doggo that sleeps down the bottom. We're both bigger but I'm very plus size (size 26/28) and am very insecure about my image. I wear oversized clothes and he's never seen me naked in the light!

Last week I woke to turn over and I saw that he had positioned his side of the duvet so I could see his body or his phone but managed to catch the phone light going off quickly and his hand holding the phone move behind the covers. I struggled to nod off as I saw he was hiding. He had put the fan on to cover the noise of him masturbating. I didn't know what to do so I tried to sleep but had so much anxiety in my chest and stomach that I could drift off. It took 40 mins for it to end.

We don't have a sex life. At the start of our relationship (I was a lot smaller back then) I was the one instigating sex. But he turned me down one too many times and I just lost it. I've held that grudge ever since and since then, we've only had sex while ovulating to conceive our son and if I pull his arms across the bed to touch me. He never instigates it. EVER. I know he masturbates and I know he wants to have an intimate relationship but he doesn't do more than smacks my bum during the day (once a blue moon) or cuddles me in bed here and there.

We've had the "we need a better physical relationship" talk countless times but it lasts a week maybe two and then is non-existent all over again.

I'm desperate to have this relationship with him but after playing the "let's see how long it takes for him to start anything" game too many times I just don't have the courage.

I've been stressing and a bit angry that I was woken to that last week.

Now I'm going to admit that I am a hypocrite because I masturbate to de stress which maybe once a month and it will be just after he's fallen asleep. No porn on my phone or anything. I just lay there eyes closed and it takes a few minutes.

Writing this all down makes me feel so sad for my relationship and my life. I want a loving and affectionate relationship with my partner but I fear my stubbornness and his disinterest in me has gone on too long.

The funny (?) thing is that we've just booked a small surprise wedding next year. So we are fully committed to each other and I have ZERO doubt that he is a cheater.

I guess what I am asking by posting this is what should I do? Why has his masturbating made me feel so emotional?

Apologise for the long post and thank you to anyone who replies.

Well it makes you feel bad because he's rejected you in the past. Who wants to marry someone who isn't attracted to them? OP I can't think why you;d be planning to marry a man who didn't want to have sex with you.

You need to tell him that things must change somehow...find out why it's gone so unsexy in your relationship.

It’s made you emotional because it’s driven home that your partner does have sexual needs but isn’t interested in involving you in them. That’s understandable. If you’ve tried discussing the lack of sex many times then it sounds like it’s ultimatum time: you both agree to sex and relationship counselling where issues are raised and discussed throughly; or you consider separating because neither of you is happy. I definitely wouldn’t be getting married next year, what’s the point in committing to a sexless marriage?

I’ll be honest: I can’t imagine being with somebody who in nine years wouldn’t let me see their naked body so that any sex had to be perfunctory, in the dark and under covers. I can’t say that I’d have any great desire to have sex with them. It sounds uninspiring and unsexy. If you’re insecure about your body to the extent that it’s damaging your relationship, perhaps addressing that is something to focus on - either losing weight or some sort of therapy to help you like the way you look a bit better.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would certainly postpone the wedding because being married won't change this current situation of having no sex life. Both of you have to be committed to wanting things to change and you cannot change things on your own.

Would both of you be willing to sit in front of a counsellor or therapist?. If he is not willing I would go on my own.

I would not stay within this relationship either for the sake of your child.

So you masturbate when you think he's asleep. But it's not ok for him to masturbate when he thinks you're asleep??

Id focus on you a little bit and get your worth back. Sounds like you're both losing yourself and growing apart. Fall in love with life again and you'll see a huge difference x

You both sound so sad and unfulfilled.
Counselling before you get married. You need to have brutally honest discussions and understand what the other wants and expects form your marriage.

So it's OK for you but not for him? You're right. That's hypocrisy.

You need to have a serious talk about this before getting married.

Why are you desperate to have a relationship with him?

Is it you don't think anyone else would want you? Guarantee you're wrong.

Why are you hellbent on staying with him?

Why would you get married if you know he's cheating?

Your husband is sexually unfulfilled and you hint this is because you've rejected him and put on large amounts of weight.

This is not going anywhere good or going to resolve itself.

You're feeling emotional because you're coming to terms with the fact that if you want your partner to be happy and want to be happy then you are going to have to make changes.

We don't have the right to demand anyone find our appearance or behaviour sexually alluring.

We can expect relationships without sex to also show lower levels of intimacy, trust and commitment over time.

I'm so sorry OP but if you were hoping your partner was going to be criticised heavily here, I don't think it's going to be the case.

Oh dear, so you both has sexual desire/ drive , but not for each other
As a PP suggests, sounds like you need to try and get the love back into the relationship, and the the bedroom should follow.

Another approach could be to mention this to him, but not in a confrontational way, as in “ I couldn’t help but but notice, is there anything you want to try “.

Have you thought about mutual masturbation ?, maybe helping each other out, without intercourse.

The other comment about not being naked is pretty sad, everyone wants to see their lover naked no matter what

I am struggling to see why you think it is ok for you to masturbate secretly but not your partner.

I can't see this relationship working out if you are feeling sexually unfulfilled and he is disinterested. Sex whilst dressed or in the dark is not appealing so I don't blame him for thinking you aren't interested.

Thank you to each of your for your messages. I wasn't looking to get all negatives about my partner. I guess I was just here to vent as I don't have any real life places to let it all out right now.

I was due my first counselling session this morning but it's has been postponed another two weeks due to the counsellor not "turning up" (online session) so I've worked myself up a bit more since knowing I had it in the diary.

Without giving too many specific details, we have had a very rough year (without covid) he almost lost his life last year at the beginning of the first lockdown and was receiving treatment for months without me seeing him. His return home was a bit like a honeymoon. A couple of weeks of being on cloud 9. Which quickly fizzled out.

All other aspects of life seem to be good, we go out to places with family/friends. Take our son on days out and holidays. We have a couple of pets. He has some hobbies.

I love him. I just guess I'm coming to terms with my issues here and realising that I'm mostly to blame. I'm very hard on myself and that just fuels my bad feelings and moods.

He's not good at communicating, he's so laid back. So when I start to talk (which turns into venting) it's all one sided.

Then he goes quiet and nothing more is said because we both work and have our son and pets etc etc. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by posting but your comments and questions are exactly what I need to make me face the music and put things into perspective.

I think my point of me masturbating vs him was because i know he does it often and like I said it took forever (to me because I was feeling so awful at the time) whereas I need to feel that release to get to sleep or pop this bubble of awful feelings. But I agree I shouldn't even be making a point of it as I'm just being a hypocrite but I did feel angry about it.

We have done mutual masturbation it's usually that more than anything else but I can't remember the last time we did anything.

Since we've been together nothing gets done outside of evening time in bed. When we were young and had our first flat/ house etc. It's been very vanilla. But not because I made it like that. I was a bit more confident back then and he wouldn't try anything before we were in bed. My previous relationships have been quite adventurous.

In the last few weeks I have started an exercise programme and we've both decided to eat better by using PON/slimming world books.

Again, thank you to all of you for taking the time to comment.

I'd say " Next time you need a wank, can you do it in the bathroom please as it woke me up last night?" Don't be accusatory.

Its one thing to masterbate if you have an active fulfilling sex life and are both happy, but this is different. It feels like the mastebation is a symptom of the issue rather than the actual problem.

It's very upsetting when counselling is cancelled or moved. Hard to know what to do with the feelings. Posting on here was probably a good idea.

You're not responsible for his behaviour...you will have to talk to each other and sounds like you will need to initiate that. Feel strong and sure in yourself first, but also able to see the pattern between you.

Well this will shock but I’m past caring I’ve done this for the last few years I’ve had too, dh just isn’t interested never really has been, seven years ago I told him I was sick of being a housekeeper, things changed for a bit, now I don’t care, I don’t think of him sexually just as a very close friend. Do you want this for the rest of your life?

I get the rejection would be hard but why is he not allowed to masturbate and you are?

I felt a bit sad for you while reading your op.
You feel rejected, your healthy and normal sexual desires are unfulfilled and you feel frustrated and insecure, yet you have a wedding planned but no counseling to tackle this issue. From your post I also gather you have a lot of insecurities about your body.
I think your first and most important issue is dealing with your low self esteem. Learning to love your body as it is or change the things you realistically can and want to change about it. Once you’re feeling better about yourself, I’m sure you’ll feel more deserving of getting what you want and what you actually do deserve, and very likely you won’t accept your current situation anymore.
Which means counseling or ending the relationship. It takes courage and effort to get to this point but once you’re there, you’ll be much happier, particularly with yourself.

Is it possible that you are just not sexually compatible and would make better co-parents and friends than a couple?

There is nothing wrong with helping yourself...Women do i too.Not always you want to have a '3 course Dinner '.
As far as him not finding you attractive anymore perhaps its something you need to address?
Nobody is obliged to learn to find something sexually appealing when they are not interested.He clearly loves you and that is why he is there ,but sex takes attraction.
I will be honest I'm not sure at what point I would stop finding my husband attractive if he gained a lot of weight.At the end of the day I try to make sure I don't lose sense of self and he does the same.With great weight gain comes insecurities etc and please don't take it the wrong way its just isn't as attractive.Everyone wants the confident ,healthy parter who knows their self worth.My husband still shoes off every time he comes out of shower and I love it.It might sound very harsh and it isn't intended as such but we all should make the effort to 'date' our partners..make sure we make effort.

The funny (?) thing is that we've just booked a small surprise wedding next year. So we are fully committed to each other and I have ZERO doubt that he is a cheater.

Your relationship is not healthy though, so a marriage seems a strange thing to do.

One party being a cheater isn't the only reason 'enough' to be worth breaking up over. Being unhappy, being incompatible and being unable to communicate healthily are all huge issues and it sounds like you've spoken about all those things before and it hasn't resolved things.

A marriage doesn't sound wise here.

Just to clarify. He is not a cheater and I trust his loyalty and faithfulness to me.

Thank you all again though for your comments. As my counselling didn't happen today I'm going to suggest couples counselling (as well as me going on my own).

I'm willing to try anything before throwing it all away.