Mysterious Inexplicable Break Up??

[CrystalEye]

Hello everyone... Your advice is very deeply appreciated. I'm in a situation that is very confusing to me.

My bf of 4 years very recently proposed that we break up (he never actually used those words, but that's the gist of what he said). This was unexpected, unexplained and in my view unjustified.

We have been living a few hours apart, which obviously isn't ideal, but it hasn't been a problem either as we each enjoy getting away and being able to visit each others homes (he's in a city, I'm in the countryside. I love the city. He loves the countryside!)

We have many shared passions and interests. We both enjoy the same activities. Throughout our relationship we have enjoyed so much time together playing, laughing, sharing fascination. We have the same standards when it comes to health, fitness, diet, wellbeing practices etc.His parents really like me and we get on really well. My parents really like him and they get on really well.

Of course, we are different in some ways (not unusual!) and throughout our relationship we have had the odd fall out due to the usual relationship teething pains and some emotionally stressful circumstances (his mum has cancer), but we've always talked about it and come through stronger.

Recently, we have been really good. Separated by my going on holiday and both of us being busy, but again nothing abnormal or unusual for us. We have been getting on really well as usual. I was planning to visit him in the city... And out of nowhere he advised me not to.

And then a couple of days later, we had a conversation that was essentially him proposing that we break up. First he said it is because 'we're fundamentally too different' (as if in he's trying to become a landlord and I'm between two semi-serious job roles, he believes in disciplining children and he perceives that I'm not. Baffling, as we've never had that conclusive conversation!). Then he said it was because we had to contend with the fact that we live a few hours apart.

I said to him that all logistical things can be discussed and negotiated but they are second to how people FEEL about each other. If there's love, everything else will work out. He then said that he hadn't thought the conversation through and that he was stoned.

We left it at 'we'll check in in a few day's time' with the proposition of a break, or a date in a couple of weeks.

We have had a few days no contact although I text him the day after the conversation with a friendly photo of something I thought he'd find amusing, and he seemed fine.

So...

I have no idea what's just happened, or what's going on!!

I strongly believe in us. We're both pretty unusual people and yet we have found each other and have so much in common and have pulled through so much together and very recently absolutely nothing was wrong!

Where has this come from, and what should I do now?

I think he’s met someone else

I’m sorry

I'm sorry but I think he has found someone new.

Ring him when he’s not stoned, straight cold sober. If he still wants to break up, you’ll have to listen to him.no point being in a relationship on your own, or half hearted one, you deserve real love passion, fun and commitment, nothing less.

4 years and you’ve never discussed having a family or becoming parents?

He’s having you for a mug

Do nothing OP. Don't chase him, just carry on with your own life.

He's just not that into you.

And to be fair to him, it isn't inexplicable. He has stated his reasons. He says you're too different and the distance isn't good.

Whether you believe this or not is by the by. He doesn't feel the same way about you as you do him. It's shit and I'm sorry you're going through this but just let him go.

He's had his head turned.

He has taken stock and proposed a breakup. That means he wants to break up. I’m sorry. Happened me too. Baffling and side-swiped. He’s already decided. When my ex did this, I was incredulous and presumed he was under so much work stress that he wasn’t thinking straight. We met for a coffee four weeks later and he was tanned, relaxed, new clothes, and working to a future that didn’t include me. Turned out he meant what he’d said; I just found it too hard to believe. Hope you have friends and support to lean on because it sounds like he has drawn a line in the sand, whether you agree or not

Do you really want to be with a stoner long term?

He's told you how he really feels - that you just aren't his forever person. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to that, as hard as that is for you. I have a couple of exes that should on paper have been my person, who were lovely and kind and fun. But I just knew it wasn't going to work out long term. I appreciated the fact that while they were really upset they respected my decision. I think you need to do that. And also be relieved you're not now tied to a stoner long term and that you'll be free of a headfuck and a half.

We have tentatively talked about having a family and getting our own place. Which is why none of this adds up. 😅

@TheBullfinch

He's had his head turned.

I always think these messages are a bit cruel. There's no proof of that at all. When I broke up with people who on paper were a great fit, it wasn't because my head was turned. I just came to the difficult conclusion after a few years that I didn't feel what it's necessary to feel to make it work forever.

I think your problem is with that word, 'unjustified'.

Basically, he's ended your relationship. That part is crystal clear.

The big your having a problem with is the 'unjustified'.

Sadly, a relationship isn't like a job, where you can discuss whether it's appropriate to fire you. Sadly, in a relationship, if one person wants to end it, that's it.

And the other part of 'unjustified' you're struggling with is that you don't know why.

That is really unfair. In an ideal world, he should say why. You were together for 4 years, you were intimate - not telling you why kind of betrays that intimacy and leaves you wondering if you were mad in your perception that everything was good.

Sadly, people are just terrible when it comes to finishing relationships. You may never find out why.

However, the fact he's been a bit of a coward in springing this on you and not telling you why suggests he feels he has something to be cowardly about.

That does hint that he has indeed met someone else.

That's a big rubbish and cowardly.

I'll wish you lots of love and fun and success over the next few weeks. I think it was a rubbish way to end the relationship - don't let it knock your self-esteem. Wishing you better. 💐💐💐

@CrystalEye

We have tentatively talked about having a family and getting our own place. Which is why none of this adds up. 😅

But it does, as he has clearly decided when reflecting on those talks that he in fact doesn't feel he wants those things with you. I know that's shit for you but it's so much better to know now than have him tell you he wasn't ever sure later and break up with ties like mortgages and kids.

Your relationship seems like a bit of an odd set up. Are you both very young?

Someone says they wanna break up with me
And they seem fairly content to walk away
I’m taking the note that they’re not going to work for our relationship whilst it’s easy
And as all relationships need you to fight and work for them at some point, I know they’re not going to be around long term to do that.

Why waste your time.

Add to that, that after 4 years it doesn’t sound like you’ve made plans to move in together or discuss seriously a family or marriage, even though you clearly both intend on having a family, it all just sounds like you need to cut your losses

Just to add I was dumped by a boyfriend who “didn’t want to get married or have kids”. Within less than a year he was married and his wife to be heavily pregnant. He just didn’t want those things with ME. Hurt like a bitch at the time as I understandably took it very personally.

I met my current DP not too long after and realised that I was batshit to stay in a relationship where I was unsure of their feelings for me or about our future.

I said to him that all logistical things can be discussed and negotiated but they are second to how people FEEL about each other. If there's love, everything else will work out. He then said that he hadn't thought the conversation through and that he was stoned.

You’re working on the basis that he feels the same way you do. If he loved you, wild horses wouldn’t be able to drag him away from you. Him telling you that you’re fundamentally too different or that you live too far apart is him trying to break up with you without having to tell you that he doesn’t love you and doesn’t see a future with you.

*That is really unfair. In an ideal world, he should say why. You were together for 4 years, you were intimate - not telling you why kind of betrays that intimacy and leaves you wondering if you were mad in your perception that everything was good.

Sadly, people are just terrible when it comes to finishing relationships. You may never find out why.*

But he has said why. Too different and the distance were the reasons given.

As the old MN saying goes "you don't need a reason to leave somebody". Well this guy has given reasons. Some people leave relationships and don't even bother with that as a courtesy.

We're both early 30s

I always think these messages are a bit cruel. There's no proof of that at all. When I broke up with people who on paper were a great fit, it wasn't because my head was turned. I just came to the difficult conclusion after a few years that I didn't feel what it's necessary to feel to make it work forever.

This is true.

And I didn't mean to be cruel.

But, I'm old now, and I've only come across one out of the blue break-up, pre-children, that came from an insight about different paths. Most had another person involved. Probably because the incompatibility had been bubbling away quietly.

Other break-ups that didn't involve another person (& this is pre-children break-ups) tended to be presaged by lots of arguments.

I mean, that might just be the people I knew - but it seems to be a pattern.

And I think the OP needs closure. Because it can just niggle away at you and eat into that solid core of self-belief that you need to get yourself back on the path of life and live.

There is no way a bunch of randoms on MN can know for certain one way or the other that this guy has met someone else. It's silly saying it in the absence of crystal balls.

He may have done, he may not. It may just be a classic case of unrequited love. That happens a lot in many different circumstances.

People saying it so bluntly as if it's an empirical truth is just daft. They could be right but it's not an absolute given.

And I think the OP needs closure. Because it can just niggle away at you and eat into that solid core of self-belief that you need to get yourself back on the path of life and live.

I agree ideally everyone would get closure at the end of a relationship. But what if there isn't a smoking gun? If whatever that feeling is when we find someone we know we would like to be with forever simply isn't there?

I couldn't give a specific reason to two long term exes - I just didn't have that feeling despite loving them and wishing I did have that feeling. I wish I had had a 'reason' that would have given them more closure, but I don't feel me ending it was 'unjustified' as OP thinks this is.

Breaking up for any reason at all is one person's decision, it doesn't need or require the other person's approval. It sucks to be on the receiving end (ive been there too) but it's a dangerous precedent to set to imply a person has to give reasons that meet the threshold of the other person's approval in order for a break up to be justified.

Yes. The above two posts are true.

We really can't know why.

You need a proper conversation when he's not stoned.

How often does he get stoned and how do you feel about that?
Your early 30s, it's been 4 years, still no discussion about moving. Do you have any desire to move to his? Has he shown any inclination to move to you? How would that work with jobs?