Mysterious Inexplicable Break Up??

[CrystalEye]

Hello everyone... Your advice is very deeply appreciated. I'm in a situation that is very confusing to me.

My bf of 4 years very recently proposed that we break up (he never actually used those words, but that's the gist of what he said). This was unexpected, unexplained and in my view unjustified.

We have been living a few hours apart, which obviously isn't ideal, but it hasn't been a problem either as we each enjoy getting away and being able to visit each others homes (he's in a city, I'm in the countryside. I love the city. He loves the countryside!)

We have many shared passions and interests. We both enjoy the same activities. Throughout our relationship we have enjoyed so much time together playing, laughing, sharing fascination. We have the same standards when it comes to health, fitness, diet, wellbeing practices etc.His parents really like me and we get on really well. My parents really like him and they get on really well.

Of course, we are different in some ways (not unusual!) and throughout our relationship we have had the odd fall out due to the usual relationship teething pains and some emotionally stressful circumstances (his mum has cancer), but we've always talked about it and come through stronger.

Recently, we have been really good. Separated by my going on holiday and both of us being busy, but again nothing abnormal or unusual for us. We have been getting on really well as usual. I was planning to visit him in the city... And out of nowhere he advised me not to.

And then a couple of days later, we had a conversation that was essentially him proposing that we break up. First he said it is because 'we're fundamentally too different' (as if in he's trying to become a landlord and I'm between two semi-serious job roles, he believes in disciplining children and he perceives that I'm not. Baffling, as we've never had that conclusive conversation!). Then he said it was because we had to contend with the fact that we live a few hours apart.

I said to him that all logistical things can be discussed and negotiated but they are second to how people FEEL about each other. If there's love, everything else will work out. He then said that he hadn't thought the conversation through and that he was stoned.

We left it at 'we'll check in in a few day's time' with the proposition of a break, or a date in a couple of weeks.

We have had a few days no contact although I text him the day after the conversation with a friendly photo of something I thought he'd find amusing, and he seemed fine.

So...

I have no idea what's just happened, or what's going on!!

I strongly believe in us. We're both pretty unusual people and yet we have found each other and have so much in common and have pulled through so much together and very recently absolutely nothing was wrong!

Where has this come from, and what should I do now?

He may not fully why. A situation may have changed his perspective, he may want to not commit yet.

You don't actually need to know why, but you do need to hear that it has ended. Unless he is desperately trying to fix this, then what he says stands and it's over.

You can’t believe in us on your own. There’s no us without both of you in there.

However, the fact he's been a bit of a coward in springing this on you and not telling you why suggests he feels he has something to be cowardly about. That does hint that he has indeed met someone else. That's a big rubbish and cowardly.

This happened to me. It almost drove me mad, trying to work out what had happened. In the end, I drew a line under it and moved on but I always had a bit of a niggle in my head about it. He had indeed meet someone else, I didn't actually find out until years later, when I became acquainted with some acquaintances of theirs. I think the "relationship" with me and the "relationship" with her overlapped by around 4 months. I felt horrible when I found out, it was like going through the break up again.

The thing is OP nobody needs to justify why they want to end a relationship.

Personally, I would hope that after 4 years if a person didn't think things were working they'd take the time to be honest about why that is.

Yes, from what you've posted his reasons sound flimsy, but ultimately he doesn't need "sound" and "justified" reasons.

We can't possibly know what his motive is.

You can obviously ask for more information but he's not obligated to tell you any more than he has.

In your position I'd back away because I'd neither want to be with someone whose unable to communicate effectively on such an important matter (or thought ok to dump someone when stoned) or the alternative that he's lying (directly or by omission).

It's sad of course but it hasn't worked out but the sooner you can come to terms with that, the sooner you'll feel able to move on.

I’d second the likelihood that he’s just not that into you - also that he’s met someone else but is too cowardly to tell you.

Personally I like a bit if closure - you’ve got nothing to lose so arrange to meet him & ask him outright to explain himself because after four years you are owed that much. I hope he does explain it/actually be honest about having met someone else or whatever it is that’s led to this moment.

Once that’s done try & move on & keep your dignity, if he hasn’t got the balls to be honest then he really isn’t worth your time. This isn’t what love feels like btw. Good luck

He doesn't need to justify his choice.

Don't drag this out. Move on & find someone who actually shares your goals.

I ended a similarly great on paper relationship. I hadn’t met anyone new but more hit a point where the status quo wasn’t working for me anymore. It was only then when I was thinking about what the next step would look like that I realized I couldn’t see it or rather didn’t like what I saw for our future. Ask him again what’s going on but I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t equally enthusiastic about being in it with me for the long term

He doesn't share your view that is working and going to work, you strongly believe in it but he doesn't. He was stoned? (Not very desirable anyway) and doesn't seem to care about breaking up/not fighting for it to work. The best thing to do is give him the space, don't contact him, if he misses you he might want to see you again but I think it's for the best to move on from anyone that is half hearted.

How can somevodys suggestion of a breakup be UNJUSTIFIED? Im not sure youre using the right word. I mean, whats he supposed to do if he dosnt want to be with you anymore?

I'd bet my house he's involved with another woman. The rewriting history, the bizarre "realisations", it's the classic script.

My bf of 4 years very recently proposed that we break up (he never actually used those words, but that's the gist of what he said). This was unexpected, unexplained and in my view unjustified.

Sorry, but he doesn't have to justify anything to you. If we wants out, that's it.

My bf of 4 years very recently proposed that we break up (he never actually used those words, but that's the gist of what he said). This was unexpected, unexplained and in my view unjustified.

As for love being able to conquer all, well that's just ridiculous and completely untrue, isn't it? If love were all it took, nobody would ever break up or get divorced.

He doesn't want to be with you, move on

I think he's met someone too. Men rarely break up with women if they haven't got someone else lined up.

But I do think you should have a think about where this relationship was going. Early 30s, living in different places but you'd like children? It doesn't feel like the relationship was heading in that direction to me.

He has ended the relationship, you dont need any more wisdom on that one.

What I suggest is going ok, thats what you want fine, spend x amount of time being snotty, heartbroken etc then getting on with your life

I'd accept his decision and be done with him. Don't waste anymore of your time with him.

@CrystalEye I'm sorry you are in this position. I know the limbo you find yourself in causes lots of upset and angst. You just want some certainty and security back.

I have been on the receiving end of my ex looking for a way out. There were all these kind of reasons / excuses that I found ways to get round. Logical solutions etc but then he would just find more reasons why it wouldn't work. It's exhausting trying to be positive and being the solution finder when the other person first seen to have the zest or will for it.

Others have said he has met someone else. He might have but no one can know for sure without knowing him and your relationship.

However it does feel like he is questioning your suitability together long term.

Whatever the reason is for that, the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is start to withdraw a little yourself for your own self protection. It's very hard to do as all you want is for things to be back to how they were. Try and focus on very small things you can do that don't include thinking about getting him back or fixating on what's going on in his head. He knows where you are.

I hope you get some answers- but even if you don't them your priority now has to be you.

He might have met someone else, he might not.

But one thing that stood out for is that your belief that if you love each other, everything else will be OK and work out. In my experience, that is categorically not true. Sure, you need love I a relationship, but things like distance really do take their toll and if neither of you are prepared to move and commit to each other after 4 years, then what is the point? It sounds like you are quite happy with the status quo, whilst he isn't

Four years is quite a long time to essentially be dating someone with no discussion of moving nearer/in, or children ( not, of course, that either of you is required to want them), or any hint of taking things to a more serious level. It seems you've drifted along together and he wants to call time on the relationship. You have to respect that and reflect on how this came to be. Hopefully you can remain or become friends and be able to talk about what each of you has differently experienced.

Be thankful to have got away from a stoner
Move on and live your life 💐

Sorry OP, I know this is a really baffling time. Your partner has probably been thinking about this for a very long time and has tuned out already. Please dont start questioning everything and trying to get love to conquer all. It doesn't, he has made his mind up, he is letting you down gently by saying he will check in in a few days and maybe a date. The best thing you can do right now...its hard....but go completely no contact and I mean do not answer any of his calls, emails or texts. If he wants you out of his life then go. You will only prolong your heartache if you start waiting for him. He may very well have had his head turned. Its very common and he may have found someone closer to him and your relationship has just come to a natural end for him. Keep your dignity and close this down now. Good luck.

Unfortunately I think he just isn't sexually attracted to you any more, and maybe he's met someone else.

Sexual attraction is the absolute glue to a relationship and everything else is peripheral - ie it's what makes distanced relationships work, because two people are really into each other and want to make it work.

Soon enough you'll find the right person who adores you, but I think you need to preserve your dignity and let this one go - you're still young!

I went through the exact experience as you from the other side. I was with a guy who lived in London (an hour away) for two years. I went to his one weekend and he to mine the next. I was in love and telling friends for months that we'd marry. Then...I just started to see cracks and soon after met the love of my life and we broke up. I'm now happily married to him with two teenage DCs and my ex is also the same.

I would agree with PP, it sounds as though he's had his head turned but that relationship isn't "secured" yet so he's trying to tentatively hang on to you. That aside, you don't need a reason to break up - if you (or he) isn't happy that is reason enough. What is frustrating is the reasons he is giving you rather than being honest.

Accept what he said and go no contact.

You won't get closure.

It is of no benefit to you to know if there is someone else. He doesn't want to be with you any more.

Treasure the happy memories and move on.

Treasure the happy memories and move on.

The problem is, when a relationship ends toxically, what should have been happy memories are tainted and there are no happy memories to treasure.

OP,

People do not need to give someone a reason to break up with them. You will save yourself a lot of wasted time in life if you accept this fact and stop wondering what if about a man who wants out of your life.

If you were posting here saying you broke up with him but he couldn't accept it and wanted answers, we would, correctly, tell you to block him and not engage. If he posted on here now, I would tell him the same.

The problem is, when a relationship ends toxically, what should have been happy memories are tainted and there are no happy memories to treasure.

It hasn't ended toxically. He's given a reason. Ideally, he should have told her face to face, but at least he told her.