Mysterious Inexplicable Break Up??

[CrystalEye]

Hello everyone... Your advice is very deeply appreciated. I'm in a situation that is very confusing to me.

My bf of 4 years very recently proposed that we break up (he never actually used those words, but that's the gist of what he said). This was unexpected, unexplained and in my view unjustified.

We have been living a few hours apart, which obviously isn't ideal, but it hasn't been a problem either as we each enjoy getting away and being able to visit each others homes (he's in a city, I'm in the countryside. I love the city. He loves the countryside!)

We have many shared passions and interests. We both enjoy the same activities. Throughout our relationship we have enjoyed so much time together playing, laughing, sharing fascination. We have the same standards when it comes to health, fitness, diet, wellbeing practices etc.His parents really like me and we get on really well. My parents really like him and they get on really well.

Of course, we are different in some ways (not unusual!) and throughout our relationship we have had the odd fall out due to the usual relationship teething pains and some emotionally stressful circumstances (his mum has cancer), but we've always talked about it and come through stronger.

Recently, we have been really good. Separated by my going on holiday and both of us being busy, but again nothing abnormal or unusual for us. We have been getting on really well as usual. I was planning to visit him in the city... And out of nowhere he advised me not to.

And then a couple of days later, we had a conversation that was essentially him proposing that we break up. First he said it is because 'we're fundamentally too different' (as if in he's trying to become a landlord and I'm between two semi-serious job roles, he believes in disciplining children and he perceives that I'm not. Baffling, as we've never had that conclusive conversation!). Then he said it was because we had to contend with the fact that we live a few hours apart.

I said to him that all logistical things can be discussed and negotiated but they are second to how people FEEL about each other. If there's love, everything else will work out. He then said that he hadn't thought the conversation through and that he was stoned.

We left it at 'we'll check in in a few day's time' with the proposition of a break, or a date in a couple of weeks.

We have had a few days no contact although I text him the day after the conversation with a friendly photo of something I thought he'd find amusing, and he seemed fine.

So...

I have no idea what's just happened, or what's going on!!

I strongly believe in us. We're both pretty unusual people and yet we have found each other and have so much in common and have pulled through so much together and very recently absolutely nothing was wrong!

Where has this come from, and what should I do now?

I think he’s just gone off you, op. He probably doesn’t even know the reason himself. It is probably just a feeling . I would get on with your life and assume he won’t be part of it.

I wouldn’t automatically assume someone else had caught his eye but I think you may have to accept that your truth doesn’t match his.

Tbh I think it’s quite a brave thing to do and call time on a relationship when you start feeling it’s not right for you rather than stringing someone along potentially for years and letting the relationship become something toxic (which it will do if it’s not what you both truly want. Resentment breeds).

If you accept his reasons given at face value then you will have closure, if you continue insisting there is more to scrutinise then you’re prolonging your own heartache.

@KirstenBlest

The problem is, when a relationship ends toxically, what should have been happy memories are tainted and there are no happy memories to treasure.

It hasn't ended toxically. He's given a reason. Ideally, he should have told her face to face, but at least he told her.

I think it has. He isn't giving her a reason which is making her speculate. The lack of reason may well be because there is something he doesn't want her to know. Either way, after 4 years I think she deserves an explanation that she isn't getting.

Sorry op, another vote for thinking he’s found someone else. Even if not, he’s just not that into you. Time to cut your losses and move on

Early 30s, you want DC's and have wasted 4 years on a drug addict that you don't even live with and hardly see.

Did your parents have a long happy marriage?

Imo before you get back out their you need to learn some better relationship boundaries and improve your self worth.

How can somebody be into wellness,fitness and a drug addict?

On a personal level,it makes me sick.
Sorry OP you have been so badly let down.

How can somebody be into wellness,fitness and a drug addict?

Who said he was a drug addict? OP didn't.

I'd just accept what his reasons were and go no contact.

He's a stoner 🤨

@CrystalEye rereading your first post it now seems clearer how devastating this must be for you and I think posters have maybe been a bit blunt, me included.

So I just wanted to say that the ex-boyfriend I referred to in my pp, who I broke up with when I had my own head turned was the person I was most in love with at the start. We were also the most sexually compatible by a mile compared to anyone else.

After two years with him though, at aged 29, although I wasn't IN love anymore, which is quite normal, I didn't love him, just quite liked him by then, which is when my radar sort of resurfaced.

Three weeks after getting together with my now DH, I told my then boyfriend on an overnight stay that I needed a break, He was shocked and very upset at the time, but I heard he'd got a new girlfriend soon after through mutual friends, that I think he too went on to marry and have DCs with.

So just because this is or might be a painful breakup for you, it doesn't mean the memories of the relationship should automatically become toxic.

While my DH is definitely the one and I have no sexual feelings for my ex whatsoever now, I often think about how I felt during our early days and during sex with him, because it was the happiest time of my life.

If your boyfriend does become your ex, he may well go on to think of you and your time together in exactly the same way

While my DH is definitely the one and I have no sexual feelings for my ex whatsoever now, I often think about how I felt during our early days and during sex with him, because it was the happiest time of my life.

You may look back in it fondly but you were the one who hurt your ex. He may not look back as fondly on the relationship as you do. The OP is in the same position as your ex and you don't know how your ex felt then, or whether he thinks positively or negatively of you now.

I was also in the same position as your ex and OP and I do not think positively of the ex who was unfaithful to me. Due to his infidelity, I consider the whole relationship to have been a lie and that taints all memories of the relationship.

This is all years ago, I've drawn a line under it, moved on and now I'm happy with DP. I hope you find happiness in the future OP, although I appreciate it's tough now.

Many years ago a bf finished with me and I had all the same feelings. I could see something so great, and the fact he wanted to end it was so confusing and frustrating.

By the way he hadn't had his head turned - I later found out that he had thought (very wrongly) that I had been unfaithful. Not suggesting that's the case here, but just making the point that 'had his head turned' is not the only reason to end a relationship.

My DC recently ended a relationship just because they both wanted it to go at different speeds, and one or other of them would have ended up unhappy. Again, no third party involved.

There are many reasons to end a relationship, and unfortunately for the hurt party, you don't have to justify the reason. Not wanting to be in the relationship is itself the reason.