DH Called me a c***

[Phenixfromtheflames]

Long time lurker, first post. LTR with DH with 3 DC (only 1 at home now). In some ways good relationship but I feel mainly because I have bit my tongue over the years and can't any longer. He blames it all on his depression ( has been bad for many years but not sought help) but I also think he is very opinionated and a bit controlling. He has been addressing some things for the first time in years (and I appreciate it is hard) - I have also been asserting myself for the first time in years (don't think he likes this). Tonight I said I was invited to a friend birthday soon ( not a super close friend and someone he doesn't know). He got really shirty about not being invited and said I don't want to go anywhere with him. I pointed out that he wasn't invited ( he doesn't know them) and that for the past few years he hasn't be interested in socialising as a couple ( truth). He called me a cun*, threw the tv controls at the wall and is now sleeping downstairs. I am in the dog house as he says he is trying to get out of the deep hole he has been in and I am being unfair. He has no concept of how hard it has been for me with him not wanting to mix and being downright rude to people over the years. I find his language and anger so offensive - am I over reacting?

No, of course you're not over-reacting. He's being really shitty to you and has for ages. The question is, what do you want to happen? Probably you want it to stop and for you be able to live an enjoyable life together. Sadly I can tell you that it won't stop. It's escalating, a line's been crossed and it will just get worse. I'm sorry not to have anything more encouraging to say, but if you're a long time lurker like me, you'll know that things don't suddenly get better. Hugs. X

Thats horrible. I have zero sympathy for people who behave badly then do the poor old me thing blaming mental health issues, but refuse to do anything about it.

Well done for asserting yourself, what a shame your DH is pushing back so pathetically. I would expect an adult to use his words to explain why he wants to go, not intimidate you by getting violent and punishing you for having a totally valid opinion. I worry that this going to be a war of attrition. You setting boundaries and expectations around acceptable behaviour and him pushing back and escalating until you give in and things go back to the status quo. Is he in therapy? One of thoughts I had was that perhaps he's been told to be more sociable and for some reason he's expecting you to facilitate this because he doesn't want to put any of his own energy into improving himself when he could just be seen to be doing stuff.

You deserve better, do you really want to live like this?

@Colourmeclear no he isn't in therapy but him being more sociable is one of the things we had discussed over the last few months. He has improved some things, got a job he really enjoys, and has stepped up a bit in some areas but his fall back seems to be if I challenge him/disagree then the "I am trying really hard" card is used as an excuse. This morning he brought me a cup of tea in bed but threw the door open smashing into the sideboard by the side of the bed. Stormed off to work. Maybe my comments were insensitive but I feel his reaction is totally over the top and will no longer not challenge this sort of aggressive behaviour.

@Overdueanamechange

Thats horrible. I have zero sympathy for people who behave badly then do the poor old me thing blaming mental health issues, but refuse to do anything about it.

Exactly.

Go to the party and leave miserable git behind. I bet he wouldn’t smash things at work if somebody told him something he didn’t agree with?

Only he can change HIS behaviour. You can only change the way you react to it (refusing to accept being treated like shit

What @FrenchBoule said...

Nothing else you can do. It's up to him.

You don't sound like the cunt in this scenario OP.

Is this the first tine he's called you that? Has he thrown things before? Slamming the door open to damage something before? If this is all new then be careful because his behaviour is escalating, most probably because you're asserting yourself. As you say, he doesn't like that (they never do!). The violent behaviour is likely to become physical abuse when he realizes you're not going to go back to the downtrodden person you were before with the threat of violence against you, which is what all this (new?) behaviour is.

@AmberIsACertainty - no this is not new behaviour. I would say over the years maybe once or twice a year. When the kids were younger I felt powerless (3 small children, limited finances etc), and I would just bite my tongue and leave the room until he had calmed down. And because it wasn't happening all the time I have just took as not too bad, and that everyone loses it a bit every now and then - but it's not normal is it? Of course it's never his fault - me or someone else has always "made him" do it......

I think the fact that you are asking us 'Am I overreacting?' shows how deep you are in this, but there is hope. You do realise there's something major wrong as you wouldn't be here otherwise.

He called me a cun, threw the tv controls*
By staying with him after this, you have shown him you are the type of woman who will take this kind of behaviour and abuse. It doesn't matter what you say, how angry you get, what he might say in return - that is the message that's going into his brain. It lays the foundation for worse behaviour.

I am trying really hard card is used as an excuse

Someone shouldn't have to try hard not to behave like a foul mouthed, thugish man-toddler. Someone shouldn't have to 'try hard' to be respectful to the one they're meant to love - if they have to, it means you are with the wrong person.

Of course it's never his fault - me or someone else has always "made him" do it

If he believes that narrative, then there's no hope here. He just doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Any change will be temporary and subject to good or perfect behaviour from you, otherwise it will be 'your fault' that the monstrous side of him was brought out again.

No it's not normal. People don't lose it like that not even occasionally. It's only the violent thugs who do. They all say it's someone else's fault, these abusive men. You're picking up on this behaviour because even in your messed up state you can see it's wrong. But if your head was clearer (not your fault, he's done a number on you) you'd see there's other abusive behaviour going on most probably daily, it's just your perspective is messed up and you haven't recognised it as abuse yet. If you're not at the LTB stage yet then do some reading and research. People on here recommend a book by Lundy Bancroft, "why does he do that" which you can get free online (never read it myself). The baggage reclaim blog has good info. Women's Aid have a website. Get your eyes open to the extent of the abuse because you can't make decisions about your life when you're not understanding or aware of all the facts. Although TBH "he's disrespectful and makes me unhappy" is a perfectly valid reason to leave him. Wish I'd grown up knowing that! It's not your responsibility to fix this behaviour and it's also impossible. You're not responsible for the behaviour of another adult. The only behaviour you can control is your own.

He sounds like a nasty, abusive pig.

You children are grown.

Get out OP.

He will never change.

Who cares if he wants to try.

He really is a pig.

Get organised and get out.

He is abusive. His behaviour is appalling.

@Phenixfromtheflames

It's not acceptable, and you're not 'over-reacting'.

It's NOT your fault he chooses to be verbally abusive.

It's NOT YOUR responsibility to 'manage' his behavior.

It's NOT your fault he chooses NOT to get 'help'.

Maybe it's time you laid down those facts for him, and told him straight ''You either go to the GP and get help, or you leave and our marriage is over. (But make sure you and your DC are safe)

He can only 'get away' with this toddler behavior if you let him.

Depression doesn't make you a c*

Hmmm, interesting that most on here react differently depending on whether it's a man or woman suffering from mental health issues.

Just for a bit of balance:

Without doubt he needs to get help. If you still love him, help him, if he won't accept the help and won't accept he has an issue it won't get any better, although I don't agree that it'll necessarily get worse. I you don't love him anymore then it really is time to get out.

However, it is definitely possible for him to change. I did and haven't been a dick like that for almost 5 years. It did therapy (counselling), stopping drinking, exercised and did various other things to get myself out of depression and into a better place mentally, and it was hard work. I honestly cringe when I remember some of the things I did to someone I supposedly cared about. In my case my ex still left despite (or possibly because of) the change (it was definitely two sided, not saying it is in the OP's case of course, but my ex would validate her behaviour because of my reaction to it and it became a bitter cycle of recrimination, when I stopped reacting to her behaviour it made it worse).

But separating made me much happier in the long run as the relationship had run it's course long before and neither of us were really happy and just hanging on to past times (probably what caused a lot of the issues). I'm now in a great relationship and and my mental well being is far, far better.

I would also add that regardless if he gets help or not, you should consider counselling yourself. This honestly isn't meant as a dig at you or saying you have a problem but it is far better to talk out your grievances, the way he acts towards you and the impact it has on your well being etc with someone professional, than with friends or family or on here where people with more often than not just nod, agree and sympathise with you.

Having depression isn't a 'get out of jail free card' to abuse people

I'm sorry you've gone through this op. For me his behaviour would be the end of the line. For several reasons...

Calling you a cunt
Smashing doors
Sulking
Not taking responsibility for his actions
Trying to stop you going out (by emotionally blackmailing you)

@Thewr0ngtrousers Oh please with your sexist BS! I hate any one who speaks to a partner abusively whatever sex or gender they are! If my husband said that to me it would be over.

@EKGEMS

How is what I've said sexist? The different reactions to men and women's mental health issues is vast not just on here but in society in general. There are countless studies and supporting evidence to show this, just Google it. I actually think by ignoring that you are showing your own sexist leanings, glossing over something because it doesn't suit your agenda.

I've not said speaking to a partner like that is acceptable in anyway. It really isn't.

@Phenixfromtheflames I've been in exactly the same place as you. You are not overacting. I was called an 'old witch' for months by my DH.
If you're interested, there is a small core group of similar people on a thread called 'I need to leave'. No one is nasty or strongly opinionated.
Just sharing stories. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4266023-I-need-to-leave

@Thewr0ngtrousers can I ask a question please. My DH is similar, and gets angry at me a lot. Now I've said I'm leaving, and he has said his anger is due to depression in the winter.
Does depression cause anger?
Why is the anger only directed at me?
Just trying to understand!

[quote purplepeony10]@Thewr0ngtrousers can I ask a question please. My DH is similar, and gets angry at me a lot. Now I've said I'm leaving, and he has said his anger is due to depression in the winter.
Does depression cause anger?
Why is the anger only directed at me?
Just trying to understand![/quote]
If you are the focus of his anger, he is abusing you. Emotionally and verbally. It doesn't matter if it's because he's a depressed bully or just a bully - he's still bullying you. And you don't have to suck it up just in case he has depression. I have bipolar and would fully expect someone to leave me if any of my behaviours were to be damaging to their mental health. One partner's mental health doesn't trump the other's.

[quote purplepeony10]@Thewr0ngtrousers can I ask a question please. My DH is similar, and gets angry at me a lot. Now I've said I'm leaving, and he has said his anger is due to depression in the winter.
Does depression cause anger?
Why is the anger only directed at me?
Just trying to understand![/quote]
@purplepeony10

Yes depression can cause anger but it could be other stuff. But his behaviour really isn't acceptable like @youvegottenminuteslynn says. For him to treat you like that shows a total lack of respect. It is bullying and for whatever reason is still abuse. Suggest he gets help for it, go to the doctor or therapy or something else. I found exercise worked best for me but it really took 12 months or so to kick in and was in conjunction with other stuff.

If you still love him then trial separate rather than straight out leave, but set conditions like, its provided he gets help or addresses the issues but do be prepared for him to dig his heels in and not want to seek help. A lot of men don't / won't because of the stigma attached, it's changing but slowly. I was the same took me a few years to really realise how I was being and to drag myself out of it. In my case my anger was directed at my ex and her's at me because we were so isolated from friends and family, we had no one else to support us and didn't know how best to support each other, it's easy to look back in hindsight but when you're in it yourself you feel lost.

It's easier to take it out on those closest to us because they are more accepting. You can be supportive without condoning or enabling his actions, but if you go down that route research it, my ex's idea of support was to call me ridiculous, stupid, silly etc when I was stressed out about stuff and was looking for a bit of support (we almost lost our house at one point).

At the end of the day you do need to look after yourself too and if your well being is affected then you are best leaving if it feels hopeless. But like i suggested above you might find that therapy or counselling helps you too. I'm not suggesting for a minute that there is anything wrong with you but if you have dealt with someone else's mental health issues for a while it then it does have an impact.

@Thewr0ngtrousers thank you so much