DH Called me a c***

[Phenixfromtheflames]

Long time lurker, first post. LTR with DH with 3 DC (only 1 at home now). In some ways good relationship but I feel mainly because I have bit my tongue over the years and can't any longer. He blames it all on his depression ( has been bad for many years but not sought help) but I also think he is very opinionated and a bit controlling. He has been addressing some things for the first time in years (and I appreciate it is hard) - I have also been asserting myself for the first time in years (don't think he likes this). Tonight I said I was invited to a friend birthday soon ( not a super close friend and someone he doesn't know). He got really shirty about not being invited and said I don't want to go anywhere with him. I pointed out that he wasn't invited ( he doesn't know them) and that for the past few years he hasn't be interested in socialising as a couple ( truth). He called me a cun*, threw the tv controls at the wall and is now sleeping downstairs. I am in the dog house as he says he is trying to get out of the deep hole he has been in and I am being unfair. He has no concept of how hard it has been for me with him not wanting to mix and being downright rude to people over the years. I find his language and anger so offensive - am I over reacting?

@Thewr0ngtrousers we’re going to separate for 6 months, it took so many years for me to get the courage up to do it. And I kept thinking the problem was me. In terms of dealing with the anger, I didn’t really have the tools, I tried two things, one was to strike back (not great for the DC) , the other was to hide away until it passed. I once suggested counselling for us both, he ask why I was threatening him.

@Thewr0ngtrousers You claimed there is bias on MN and said it would be a different response were it a female with poor mental health which is sexist, claiming women would react differently! I don't need to consult Dr. Google to recognize sexism in your post. I don't care if the subject is white,black,whatever.

Clarify-"I don't care who,what sex,gender or race" person in post is if they are a victim or abuser means nothing to me

Fucking hell, haven't you wasted enough time on him? He's a vile, abusive prick, and his "depression" has nothing to do with it. Get out and get your life back.

@Thewr0ngtrousers glad to hear that you have got help and are living a better life now. My situation have been on going for over 15 years. I have lost myself in the process of always trying to keep the peace, and have now lost the energy to continue. Each isolated incident seems not too bad (and he acts like nothing has happened afterwards), but the knock on effect on me has been massive. I have been in counselling for 9 months

@purplepeony10 - thank you, I will take a look at that thread. By the next evening when he returned from work it was like nothing had happened and in fact the love bombing starts of how gorgeous I am, how he's so proud of me, etc etc. I think about the things I want to do in the future and none really involve him. Why am I so pathetic to not leave? Why is my concern how upset he would be?

Its not you, its him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. The fact this happens once or twice a year is irrelevant, its once or twice too many times.

My guess is that he is all sweetness and light to all those in the outside world; this abusive treatment is reserved solely for you.

You cannot afford to spend the next 15 days, let alone months and years, with this man. He is not depressed and he is angry because he is abusive. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and he has done a real number on you. He targeted you to abuse. He acts like nothing has happened afterwards is typical of abusive men. The nice/nasty cycle he shows you is a continuous one.

What do your DC think of him?. And of you for that matter because they are likely wondering why you are still with him. I would think they do not go back home very often now.

Would you be at all willing to go to Boots and ask for help via their consultation rooms?

"Why is my concern how upset he would be?"

Indeed ask yourself that question. How useful has your own therapist been here, how much are they aware of the mechanisms behind abusive relationships?.

You're likely to be codependent in relationships too but his needs are not and have never been more important than yours.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

he sounds crazy as hell. Why did he get so upset to the point where he felt the need to throw things? It's just too much.