Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wants to introduce new girlfriend after 2 months

74 replies

ToomuchPeppa · 27/06/2021 21:43

This topic has probably been done to death but here goes…
Me and exp split up in January after 13 years. My decision as things hadn’t been ok for at least 3 years prior. We have 2 dc aged 8 and 5. Found out last month that he had met someone online, and they had a connection. Fair enough. Fast forward to this weekend, he asked the children if they would like to meet her. DS(5) said yes, DD(8) said yes, until she came home and burst into tears, saying that she lied, and didn’t want to. I didn’t try to influence her decision, and told her that it would be completely up to her and she could take as much time as she needed. Me and ex had an almighty row and I told him that if things were that serious after 2 months, then it would still be serious after 6 months. Am I right? There is no way that I am either looking or ready to start another relationship after 13 years, and if I was, 6 months would be the absolute minimum before introducing our children to them. As a side note, he has met 2 of her 3 children, DS(5) and DD(6months)

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 27/06/2021 21:55

You can control what your ex does unfortunately it’s up to him when to introduce

Original poster
ToomuchPeppa · 27/06/2021 21:59

I get that, but my DD doesn’t want to yet? My children’s well-being is my priority, and I think they’ve had enough change in the last few months without adding something else into the mix?

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 27/06/2021 22:01

Ideally he will listen to your dd, there's no way this is enforceable though unfortunately.

mildlymiffed · 27/06/2021 22:04

Don't get involved. I know it's hard- but this is for your exH to navigate. Now that you're separated he is his own entity. Rightly or wrongly if you get involved you'll just come out looking like the bad guy in this...

Just be there for the kids as best you can if and when they need you.

category12 · 27/06/2021 22:05

Nothing you can do about it.

It may be that your dd feels guilty and disloyal to you and that's as much the reason she burst into tears as anything. She's trying to please her dad and you.

Just try to make things easier for her. Don't make promises/assertions you can't keep and that aren't under your control. Don't make it a big deal - she's just a new girlfriend.

I would try to pull it back from all the drama and appear cool about it. I'd say something like "Grown ups date, sometimes it turns into a long relationship and sometimes it doesn't. Just be nice to her and try not to worry, I'm sure she's as nervous about meeting you as you are about her." Or something like that.

Dillydollydingdong · 27/06/2021 22:07

Just give dd lots of reassuring cuddles

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 27/06/2021 22:08

What did he say when you told him your DD didn't want to? I take it, this is an introduction that's not yet happened? You would hope he would absolutely take account of his DDs feelings. Sadly this may not be the case. I agree with you in that 2 months is quite quick, especially when your DD says she's not ready yet... but they could wait 6 months and then separate weeks later... I appreciate I've probably not been very helpful - sorry OP, but I do think he should be more considerate and give your DD a bit more time.

PumpkinKlNG · 27/06/2021 22:08

Cant* that should be. It’s just one of those things I think up to him if he listens to her or not, I imagine most kids probably don’t want to meet a new partner because it means their partners are “definitely over” which most kids won’t want to think

PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/06/2021 22:09

Children will sometimes tell you what they think you want to hear. It might be she is more undecided than a definite no. The right words could influence her to change her mind.

I think it is too soon to introduce new partners but we can't dictate what our ex's do. You being too negative could set up a bad environment where you children will feel torn between enjoying time spent with her and feeling disloyal to you. Ideally you want your ex's new partner to get on well with them and for good relationships to form between everyone so co-parenting goes well.

If your ex is being difficult then hopefully you can work with his new girlfriend and not against her as well.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2021 22:13

He’s being an idiot. The new gf is too.

You can’t do anything about it but your reaction is completely understandable Flowers

MushMonster · 27/06/2021 22:17

I think you did wrong to argue with him. I would have texted him letting him know his DD cried when she got back home, and that I thought he should have a little conversation with her.
And to my daughter, I would say as previously suggested, that grown up date, that her father is now free to date, that the GF will most likely be as nervous as her, and to tell her father the truth about how she feels.

I think, given that you were the one to break the relationship, you should not insist on any timetable for him to remake his life. I think, there is a difference when there is an OW, because there is already a bad record there, and lots of feelings to mend.

goddessofmischief · 27/06/2021 22:17

There's no way to stop it. Your reaction is understandle Thanks

goddessofmischief · 27/06/2021 22:18

Understandable even!

lockef · 27/06/2021 22:18

I would step away from the drama.
He is their father - unfortunately he's never going to parent the way you would like.
Your job is to remain a rock and give your girls love and security.

Original poster
ToomuchPeppa · 27/06/2021 22:18

I did try to be nonchalant and say “One day Mummy might start seeing someone” and that “nothing will ever change how much Mummy & Daddy love you”, but she was absolutely beside herself at the thought of me finding someone else Confused. There is a fair amount of resentment towards exp, as we were always a last resort, never wanting to spend time with us, being on his phone constantly when he was home (lying on the sofa). I just can’t see that this new relationship is going to last? I do get that it is none of my business, but I don’t want our children introduced to the first in a possible long line of women!

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 27/06/2021 22:20

Your child will meet loads of people throughout
Life that they won’t see again. That’s life.

Original poster
ToomuchPeppa · 27/06/2021 22:23

@PumpkinKlNG but this is meeting someone who is staying at their father’s house, with their 6 month old baby? Little bit confusing I think?

OP posts:
mildlymiffed · 27/06/2021 22:24

Mnnnn. I wonder how much of this you're projecting no to the kids, the "I don't think this will last", "I don't want them introduced to a long line of women"...

In the nicest, nicest possible way. Step back and realise that this isn't something you can have a say in or influence.

And if he does introduce them to other women- really, so what? They learn that adult relationships can be fleeting, and don't always work out. That is actually the reality of life!

I'm a single parent, and no I haven't introduced my 11 yo son to a long line of men. But, he is aware that adults date. And that sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. We're both okay with that concept! My ex met someone really quickly after we separated (good for him!), and she's been a fantastic part of my ds's life. I never said a word to exH. None of my business...

nimbuscloud · 27/06/2021 22:25

Unfortunately for your children they will have no choice in the decisions you or their dad will make in the future regarding new partners and more children. That’s their life now.

Original poster
ToomuchPeppa · 27/06/2021 22:29

@mildlymiffed I see what you’re saying, but I honestly haven’t projected any of my feelings onto my children. I’m trying my hardest to paint a happy face on constantly! I know that part of my resentment is that he couldn’t be that man for me and our children and is now seemingly doing for someone else, but at the same time, I think that it won’t last Hmm. I’m just so confused and hurt

OP posts:
DelilahDingleberry · 27/06/2021 22:33

Children pick up on far, far more than we realise. Body language, tone of voice, breathing. Not all conscious, but enough for her to have an idea that you’re not happy about it. You need to be encouraging her to tell her father the truth otherwise you’ll be creating an even bigger problem further down the line.

PumpkinKlNG · 27/06/2021 22:38

Oh sorry I missed that she had children! Bet it won’t be long before he moves in with her...

SupermanInk · 27/06/2021 22:45

He’s not thinking of his children at all, he’s thinking of himself. If he can get them all mixing, then he doesn’t have to dedicate specific time to his children. It’s way too soon.
If he’s not willing to put them first, there’s not much you can do unfortunately, other than reassure them and keep things as normal as possible when they’re with you. I really feel for you and your children though, a friend of mine had the same situation and it was very difficult.

midsummabreak · 27/06/2021 23:00

You are right to be wary, but it’s never worth wasting your energy discussing and never worth arguing.

Make it an argument free zone when handing over the children and as others say, focus on being there for the kids. He’s her problem now. Count your blessings.

Branleuse · 27/06/2021 23:03

Dont make a big thing about it

Swipe left for the next trending thread