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Original poster

Ex wants to introduce new girlfriend after 2 months

74 replies

ToomuchPeppa · 27/06/2021 21:43

This topic has probably been done to death but here goes…
Me and exp split up in January after 13 years. My decision as things hadn’t been ok for at least 3 years prior. We have 2 dc aged 8 and 5. Found out last month that he had met someone online, and they had a connection. Fair enough. Fast forward to this weekend, he asked the children if they would like to meet her. DS(5) said yes, DD(8) said yes, until she came home and burst into tears, saying that she lied, and didn’t want to. I didn’t try to influence her decision, and told her that it would be completely up to her and she could take as much time as she needed. Me and ex had an almighty row and I told him that if things were that serious after 2 months, then it would still be serious after 6 months. Am I right? There is no way that I am either looking or ready to start another relationship after 13 years, and if I was, 6 months would be the absolute minimum before introducing our children to them. As a side note, he has met 2 of her 3 children, DS(5) and DD(6months)

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/06/2021 05:04

but this is meeting someone who is staying at their father’s house, with their 6 month old baby?
You sure it's not his child?

It is quite quick. So irresponsible of parents to do this.

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 05:10

Unfortunately I think if you row he will just think its jealousy on your part or something like that. If you keep it to something like "DD was upset and isn't sure she is ready to meet your new partner - could you talk to her about it please?" And if he argues with that then he's an idiot but there's not much you can do

IdblowJonSnow · 28/06/2021 05:20

I'm with you OP. It's far too early. But what can you do?

Sorry to hear your DD is upset. See what happens. If it doesn't work out then yes, she'll see that adults date and it doesn't always turn into a long distance thing.

As for your ex's new behaviour, he is showing you what you're missing to try to punish you. It's fake and likely won't last.

Themeparklover · 28/06/2021 05:34

He's clearly been speaking to her a lot longer??? Honestly my response as the OW would be I don't have an interest in meeting them anyway, so be grateful the other woman actually cares about meeting them

Original poster
ToomuchPeppa · 28/06/2021 09:31

Thanks for the replies. Ex messaged last night saying that he can’t have the kids this week as planned. I’m thinking that this is how things are going to go from now, the children being the first thing to be dropped in favour of the new woman. It’s a long distance relationship, so I guess she’s at his house for the week, or he’s gone to hers. I don’t know where I’m going with this, I just know that I have this anxious knot in my stomach whenever I think about it 😢

OP posts:
mildlymiffed · 28/06/2021 11:06

@ToomuchPeppa

Do you have your weekends agreed with him? If so, tell him that it's his obligation to have the children this weekend and that he can't just move it. If he does need to move it ask when he's going to make up this lost weekend? Have you been to mediation yet? You need to show him that weekend time with his children is not negotiable,

what exactly is making you anxious? That he'll be flakey and this impacts on the children? Or impacts on you? That his actions are going to mess up the kids?

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 11:25

He's dropped a whole week contact?! Unless he is self isolating or someone has died/he's in hospital I can't see why not. I'd ask him when he is making up the lost time.

Sally872 · 28/06/2021 11:35

2 months is too soon but his decision unfortunately.

He should be sticking to agreed contact though (unless exceptional circumstances). That is really unfair on the children, and you.

Original poster
ToomuchPeppa · 28/06/2021 12:37

@mildlymiffed definitely that his actions will impact the children. He has her and 2 of her children staying at his for the week, which is why he has said that he can’t have our children. I’m glad that he has stopped pushing for them to meet her, but obviously the downside is that now the kids miss out on seeing their dad this week. I’m jumping the gun massively in my head, that he’ll move them all in, will be spending more time with someone else’s children than his own, blah blah blah. My brain is in overdrive and I feel like I’m going slightly crazy

OP posts:
PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 18:48

ToomuchPeppa that is awful. Is he going to be the one to tell her? Doubt it, what a dick.

AlternativePerspective · 28/06/2021 19:01

The reality is that someone could introduce a gf after a couple of dates and it might work out or they could wait a year and it still might not.

I’m aware that people seem to think there should be this magic 6/12 month time frame, but in truth no-one knows how a relationship will pan out, the fact that parents are in new relationships after having been with each other is proof of that.

My eXH introduced my DS to his GF and her DD after only a couple of months. My DS also met my DP after a few weeks because eXH gave me an ultimatum that if I didn’t tell him about him then he would. It certainly wasn’t how I had planned things, but actually the fact that it happened far more casually and that DP was introduced as a friend was far more beneficial and far less stressful than having some kind of planned introduction.

8 years on I am still with my DP and eXH is still with his DP and they have a child together.

The relationships could have not worked out, but as long as there wasn’t a string of men in the picture I think it’s perfectly ok for children to know that sometimes adults go out and then don’t, and that’s ok actually.

GrandmasCat · 28/06/2021 19:08

I’m sorry but that is so not your call, you have no right to call the shots on what your ex does in his time with the children.

What is your call is to make things easier for your kids, as difficult as it may feel, because if you make them aware that you think meeting her is not correct, they will feel they are betraying you and upset at upsetting YOU. Going that route can make life miserable for you and mostly for your kids for years to come if it turns out they are in it for the long term.

If they aren’t, is he would be just “dad’s friend” and the could move on easily, but making all that fuss would make them feel as if they are being introduced to their stepmother and you might be years away from that.

Don’t become the crazy controlling ex.

unicornsarereal72 · 28/06/2021 19:20

Try not to over think it. My parents split up when I was 5. My dad had several long term relationships that I knew off and met. It was just how it was. We also had a very ad hoc contact arrangement. It did us no harm. My mother was the stable reliable constant we needed. I figured out right from the start I wasn't a priority to my dad. Not that he doesn't love us. He just rather do his own thing.

My kids dad moved in with ow weeks after moving out of home. Kids went eow. I would of rather he had them on his own for a while. But he can't parent on his own. And has consequently moved on to new gf. With a gap of 4 weeks between them.

I just reassure the kids. It's lovely to have so many grown ups in their lives. And sometimes people come and go.

It is all you can do is do the best job you can.

GrandmasCat · 28/06/2021 19:27

Don’t forget either that as unfortunate as it is, some kids are better cared for by the dad and the new GF than by the dad on his own.

Gilda152 · 28/06/2021 19:31

Is he not seeing the children now because of your row? Or because he's honouring DD's feelings?

As others have said, you have 0 say in this and though that's hard to come to terms with, that's the law. So it's one of those things where you have to make peace with what you can't change and just deal with it - he has the exact same rights and responsibilities as you do.

Sometimes when you were the one to end the relationship (been there) it still weirdly hurts when they move on and though your feelings are legitimate there also a little unfair. You didn't want him (again. been there, not judging!!) so you have to deal with the fact that someone else does and it's moving quickly and when you ended your relationship you freed him up to expose your children to new partners. The best you can hope for is they are kind and decent people (we weren't lucky in that respect but life is a lottery).

Original poster
ToomuchPeppa · 28/06/2021 19:52

@Gilda152 he’s not seeing them because his new gf is staying at his house this week. The children have spoken to him this afternoon (DD under duress unfortunately- not anything that I’ve said to her) and I think he’s going to pop round tomorrow after work to see them for a few minutes.

I don’t want people to think that we’re arguing in front of them and that change overs are rife with screaming matches, as we have both been very amicable in front of the children.
I know that I have no say in what he does in regards to his future, I guess I was just venting/looking for advice from people who had been through the same.

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 28/06/2021 19:56

Sorry I thought the point was that he was introducing them to his GF whilst his GF was staying with him, that was his opportunity to do that, not his reason to not see them, what changed?

I've been through the same and I understand. Hence my take.

Original poster
ToomuchPeppa · 28/06/2021 20:01

Because my DD got upset and said she didn’t want to - so I guess he’s respecting her wishes

OP posts:
PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 20:03

I think he’s going to pop round tomorrow after work to see them for a few minutes.
I'm a step mum and if I was told in the early days of knowing my OH that his children weren't ready to see me and so he was going to not see his own children and see me instead, and that it would be ok as they would get to see him for a few minutes I would be straight out the door.

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 20:05

@ToomuchPeppa

Because my DD got upset and said she didn’t want to - so I guess he’s respecting her wishes
He is but he's chosen seeing his new girlfriend over seeing DD. He should have told new girlfriend it wasn't convenient as he has a commitment to see his DD who isn't quite ready to meet her yet.

When they do meet for the first time it should ideally just be for a meal out somewhere or a trip to a farm. Not because she's been living there for a week.

Gilda152 · 28/06/2021 20:08

He is respecting her wishes, yes, but huge red flag 'choosing' GF over DD as the PP have said.

I feel for you, you're in for a bit of a bumpy ride here :(

GrandmasCat · 28/06/2021 20:09

Same here, if I thought he cancelled having his children to meet me he would get a good bollocking from me. second going, I’m off.

But, don’t blame the new woman, she may be totally oblivious to the situation. So many men cry wolf saying that the ex doesn’t let them see their children.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 20:16

@PurpleyBlue

I think he’s going to pop round tomorrow after work to see them for a few minutes. I'm a step mum and if I was told in the early days of knowing my OH that his children weren't ready to see me and so he was going to not see his own children and see me instead, and that it would be ok as they would get to see him for a few minutes I would be straight out the door.
A million times this
GrandmasCat · 28/06/2021 20:17

Being through the same both as a mum whose kid has a a stepmum, and having a partner who has kids.

Honestly, try to reassure your child, things are much better for the kids, if no drama is allowed to build up, unnecessarily, against new partners.

DenyDin0Dex · 28/06/2021 20:40

Is he paying child maintenance to you ?