Ex wants to introduce new girlfriend after 2 months

[ToomuchPeppa]

This topic has probably been done to death but here goes…
Me and exp split up in January after 13 years. My decision as things hadn’t been ok for at least 3 years prior. We have 2 dc aged 8 and 5. Found out last month that he had met someone online, and they had a connection. Fair enough. Fast forward to this weekend, he asked the children if they would like to meet her. DS(5) said yes, DD(8) said yes, until she came home and burst into tears, saying that she lied, and didn’t want to. I didn’t try to influence her decision, and told her that it would be completely up to her and she could take as much time as she needed. Me and ex had an almighty row and I told him that if things were that serious after 2 months, then it would still be serious after 6 months. Am I right? There is no way that I am either looking or ready to start another relationship after 13 years, and if I was, 6 months would be the absolute minimum before introducing our children to them. As a side note, he has met 2 of her 3 children, DS(5) and DD(6months)

@DenyDin0Dex yes he is.

I find answering these threads really tough. Because I so so understand why you feel th way you do and why you don't want your children to meet her, especially as tour DD has expressed a desire not to.

But then the only thing I can really advise on them is to do nothing but be there for your children when it happens because really what else can you do? I wish you could demand he sees his kids over her, I wish you could demand he wait 6 months and not be so bloody foolish and irresponsible with his children's feelings but unfortunately you cannot.

I don't think there is anything you can do, which would be beneficial for your children anyway, other than to just be there if and when they need you.

@unicornsarereal72, did you really feel loved if you were never a priority? How is your relationship now?

@FeckingPuddleDuck, 100% right. As painful as it is to see a dad discard his children in favor of a new woman there is nothing you can do. You can't force him to be a decent dad.

What on earth is this woman doing though...she must have only been separated 5 mins to have such a young baby. Obviously both of them are just desperate to be with someone rather than be alone. She is stupid to trust a man she met on the Internet and I hope her dc will be OK.

If your ex didn't want to get involved with us own dc it must grate to think he is playing happy families but it won't last.

@Fireflygal it was normal for me. I expected nothing else. My dad was A rubbish dad to all the kids. He was his first priority. He made his bed. And knows he isn't our first priority. Did I fell loved. Yes. Did I feel I was a priority to him no. That is his interpretation of love.

How they played out for me. Is as you would expect. Shit relationships with men who treated me as an option. I recognise this now I'm nearly 50. Horribly sad isn't it.

Be mindful @ToomuchPeppa my ex did this. Dipped in for 7 min visits and the box was ticked. He either makes it meaningful. Or not bother. Sadly you can't make him step up though.

@toomuchpeppa.
I feel you ,I'm going through exactly the same at the moment.
My ex couldn't have them last week as he was working apparently, then all day his Facebook is pinging as hes here there and everywhere with the new woman.
He was supposed to have them next week overnight but he cant now as it's her birthday and they are going out! Wtf . At least he's honest about that one I suppose.

But honestly unfortunately there is nothing you can do with regards to him introducing the new woman, but my reactions have been exactly the same as you, so I understand completely.

Thanks @Inthesameboatatmo it’s nice to know I’m not alone. He popped in for literally 2 minutes this morning on his way to work as he can’t come tonight because of the football 🙄. I stayed upstairs as I can’t even bare to look at him at the moment

@toomuchpeppa.
Yep I get the fleeting visits as well, it's like he has turned into a sperm donor.
I think they just do it so they can tick the box in their head so that makes them think they aren't acting like a shit parent.

Don't let them come for these fleeting visits. My ex did this and the kids couldn't understand it.

It isn't in the children's best interest and detrimental to their well being.

It is either meaningful contact. An hour at the park. Out to eat etc or not at all. And they don't get to come to the family home. This is yours and your children's safe place.

Stay strong.

We were advised when we separated not to introduce a partner for the first 18 months after the separation as it is a lot for the kids to deal with.. 3 months is very early to introduce a new partner, my ex introduced his girlfriend a year after our separation (he met her very shortly after we break up (6week)) a week later, they broke up, went back together but it only lasted 9 months. A week after they broke up he was already with someone else, lasted around 6 months (at least he did not introduce this one to the kids) again shortly after he was seeing someone else but with COVID it was more an online thing as they couldn’t see each other as living of the opposite side of the country, they only started seeing each other in April every 2nd weekend, my eldest (18) has already been introduced to her but not my youngest. Ex doesn’t even have the decency to tell me about the new girlfriend, the first girlfriend did. New girlfriend seem to have a positive attitude on him as for the first time he is arranging activity for the weekend for the kids! He never did it before

@category12

Nothing you can do about it.

It may be that your dd feels guilty and disloyal to you and that's as much the reason she burst into tears as anything. She's trying to please her dad and you.

Just try to make things easier for her. Don't make promises/assertions you can't keep and that aren't under your control. Don't make it a big deal - she's just a new girlfriend.

I would try to pull it back from all the drama and appear cool about it. I'd say something like "Grown ups date, sometimes it turns into a long relationship and sometimes it doesn't. Just be nice to her and try not to worry, I'm sure she's as nervous about meeting you as you are about her." Or something like that.

A really sensible answer and I totally agree. Don't make it into a big deal. Make it really clear to your DD that meeting, and being polite to, this woman is not being disloyal to you. That you and her father are over. I keep things very bright and breezy when talking about exH 's girlfriends. Grownups have relationships and that's OK.

Wait, the new GF of 2 months has a 6 month old baby? Are you sure it’s not his?

He is being a total ass pushing this intro after two months. So YADNBU to be annoyed about it and the impact on your LOs. Sadly, as PP have said, there is nothing you can do other than to support them through it.

I disagree with the idea of waiting that much (unless you are very young) as within 18 months you know if the relationship is one for the long term.

The last thing you want is for a parent to wait until s/he is living with a new partner or in a very serious relationship and then to realise the kids and the new partner are not compatible. Honestly, it is much much better to introduce a new partner casually early on as “this is my friend John, who is in my running club” than “this is Maria, we are moving to a new house together by Christmas”. Because believe me, your child is not going to remember about John if things do not work out, but there will be some serious repercussions if things go badly with Maria as a result of how the kids took the news.

Also, as a parent, it is your responsibility to check the person you are bringing into your life is a good person to be around your kids. Introducing the kids casually without making a fuss of it, also allows you to make an early runner if the person is not good for your kids before you are too entangled in that relationship.

Don’t forget either that it is very important and healthy for children to know they don’t call the shots on their parents’ relationships because if things get to the point where a child is competing with a new partner to get dad’s whole attention, things are never going to end well, a new partner doesn’t necessarily mean having less of a parent but can become that if you allow resentment to build up.

Jeezo, why would he want to take on someone who has a 6 month old? Is it his?

Ah sorry! I thought waiting 18 months after the relationship started, now I get you meant 18 months after the previous relationship ended. That’s different.

I can see know that the problem is not so much that he introduced them 2 months into the relationship but that he started dating so soon after the split!

Anyhow, reassure your kid anyway and try to convince her that it is not a big deal (for her own sake)

I agree with you @ToomuchPeppa that it's too soon but now that you're separated you have no control of his actions.

It's not surprising at all that your daughter is very upset at the thought of you or her dad finding someone else. Adults (including many on MN since a lot of women on here are divorced themselves) underestimate (or would rather not acknowledge) how damaging and upsetting separation and family breakup is for kids.

It's deeply unsettling for children to have a man or woman they didn't choose, and essentially have nothing to do with them, imposed onto their lives and replacing their previously secure adult family unit which was just their parents they had known since birth.

I also wondered if the 6 month old might be his.

If not ( and what a bastard man he is if it is) then neither of these people are prioritising their children’s needs.

It’s crap but you need to just be a mum for your children to talk to, no bad mouthing and stop the fleeting visits.

And please, do not worry about the 6m old being his, you have already enough in your plate to assume things that hurt you when you have no proof.

Again, even if the baby was his, there’s nothing you can do about it (apart of divorcing him much quicker)

Just had a phone call from ex to let me know that his gf is planning on moving here soon 😳. In the process of getting her children into the local school. Managed to hold it together, but WTF?!?

Is she moving in with him?

How did your children taken to her? As others said, you've got to let him get this right or fuck it up on his own.

My ex introduced the children too soon in my opinion but, many years on, it's all worked out OK. My daughter is going out for lunch with his partner (the OW) and her mum for her birthday in a couple of weeks time. I never speak anything other than positively about her. They have a good relationship and that is all that counts.

The children still haven’t met her. I was a bit too shocked to ask the ins and outs, so I’m not sure if they’ll be moving in with him, or somewhere else.
My daughter also came home this morning and said “Daddy asked me if you ever talk about his gf?” I don’t, which was what she told him. I just don’t know what his game is, but it feels like he’s goading me to get a reaction (which I don’t give btw).

Op as someone a bit further down this road, I can only give you advice based on what worked for me.

When exh and I moved out of the marital home (we had been separated a while) he moved into a rental. 2 weeks later, he was introducing someone to the kids. 10 weeks after that he left the rental and moved in with her. 4 weeks later he was engaged. He got no reaction from me.

6 months later they split. My dd is older was 14 at the time refused to meet another girlfriend. But in the 2.6 years since he has had 3 more girlfriend and engaged another once. Which has just ended.

Exh did the same with ds. Asking him, if I mentioned anything. I hadn't. I once asked ds if he had a nice time with his dad and he said 'dad says I don't have to tell you anything if I am not comfortable'.

I didn't react and said 'well that depends. If someone is hurting you, you should tell me. But do you mean you have seems dad girlfriend and don't want to talk about it?' And he said yes. I told him I was just asking if he had a nice weekend and I didn't need details. But also told him, he can talk to me about anything and it would stay between us 2. As far as exh knew, there was no reaction.

Eventually, ds started mentioning her in passing and I would just listen and never ask questions.

I had the first girlfriend stalking me on Instagram. She still does on occasion now. Still no reaction I just block and move on.

He has just split up with one and started seeing another. During this time he has also moved 6 times.

He has always prodded and prodded me until I reacted. This time I haven't and it infuriates him. But the kids see him for what he is and just aren't bothered by him anymore.

I gave the kids stability. I haven't had a string of boyfriends ( I do, now, have a dp, who I took it slow with), or constantly moved house because debt collectors caught up with me or dropped them short notice or not turned up to things. As a result both kids don't really see him anymore. But they are more happy, confident and settled for it. My lack of reaction ensured that they felt safe and they can tell me anything. They didn't see me upset or angry over him. Or have to worry about upsetting me. And all three of us are better for it.

No reaction to things you can not do anything about, is the best way.

Thank you @Unsoliciteddeckpic they are very wise words! I’ve woken up today in a much better frame of mind. I’m confident that I made the right decision in asking him to wait for a while for introducing the children. If things work out between them, then that’s great - I just felt that it was very quick!
I just need to be the constant for my dc’s and keep being the positive role model!
I’m sure he’ll throw another “surprise” at me soon, as that seems to be the pattern at the moment. I wait with baited breath 🙄

Well I called it on the first page when I said that I wouldn’t be surprised if they move in together soon!