overfriendly

[judgeruddy]

Hello everyone is this wrong or am I reading into it too much. I live with my long term partner and we have a little girl. She is in 1st year at school. I work from home and I do the school runs. There is a young family a few doors near my house whose daughter is in my dd class. We normally just waved or polite hellos until the children started school.
The father of the girl works from home and I see him at the gate or on my way. He asked for my no as he wanted to invite my dd for a play date. I couldn't find a reason to say no so I gave. He has now become overfriendly. He will text me to say what time are you leaving home , do you want me to pick you etc. I drive but normally prefer to walk. I normally just thank him and say no. He said he enjoys seeing me and will compliment me. I sometime have headphones listening to a podcast just to avoid talking, he has now taken to discussing what podcast to listen to .
At the school he will come speak to me even if I am talking to other parents, he will text me to ask where I was if he did not see me. I dread the school run as I have to be polite and engage with him. He never really says anything inappropriate but there is a hint(perhaps I'm reading too much into it) he will suggest lunch, has asked if I am bored working from home as he is. when I said sometimes he suggested maybe he could come to the house and keep me company. The way he said it was like two friends working from home together nothing more just that he will bring his laptop. I just ignored it. He has now taken to texting me , not anything alarming but will suggest shows to watch, talk about football or send a joke or just good morning. The text seem to be increasing from one about the children meeting up for playdate to daily hello etc. He even texted me today to say he hates weekend and cannot wait for Monday.I do not reply to the texts , sometimes I will send a smiling emoji bit nothing else. He tried to video call me one day , didn't answer then texted to say sorry it was a mistake. I have tried to talk about my DP but he never seems interested except to ask what job dp does. When I see him on the street he will stop to say hello, want to chat or offer to drop me where I am going. If I see him when with my dp he will wave like any neighbour would do and go his way.

I do not want to say anything to my dp as honestly he has not been inappropriate although I see subtle signs. I am a polite person and find it hard to tell people to back off and in this case he really has not done anything. Maybe he is just being friendly nothing else

Maybe he is just friendly, but you aren't comfortable with it, so it's not right.
I'd just be polite when you see him, but block his number.

Suggest you share the school run 50:50 a d then you won't have to see him!

that's my fear maybe he means well and just being friendly nothing more. I don't know about sharing school run , might mean I will end up inviting him to my home. Maybe he is bored and just wants company. He never really says anything about his wife but I have seen her and she seems lovely, she will wave and say hello. When I see them together he does not really talk to me.

I think he is overstepping boundaries by suggesting working from home in each other's homes. There is no need for it.

Just keep saying no to offers of lifts. When you engage with other parents in conversation and he makes a beeline for you, introduce him to the person you're talking to. He may be lonely and not have many friends on the school run, but I would find his behaviour bordering on intrusive and uncomfortable.

Just seen your update.
The fact that he does not talk to you when he is with his wife but very, very friendly with you when he's not with her should ring alarm bells.
He should be the same person in and out of her presence.

A lot of what you are saying does sound like he's being inappropriate though. He's being extremely pushy.

When I first started reading it I was thinking he is probably struggling with the playground politics and other mums not being friendly. But as you keep reading he is definitely overstepping and not seeming to take no for an answer. Other than saying anything all you can do is just keep him at arms length. He sounds like he is at the very least trying to make a friend but at the worst this could be a whole heap of trouble. And he sounds like if you let him in your home once he won't leave you alone, and that is gonna cause you a big issue. Would your partner be understand/helpful if you explained it as above?

I just have a feeling that he is hinting at something but he never really crosses the line. I have tried introducing him to other parents that i chat to, he will nod and go stand on the other side waiting for me. He said he may start walking instead of driving and l thought it was a way of saying lets walk together. On the days when my partner takes my dd to school which is once every 3wks, he will say to me "i missed you this morning" not clear if he means he missed me as a person or just that he did not see me.
I could tell my dp but would feel foolish if there is nothing to it
I will have to keep smiling but not engage.

@judgeruddy IMO, he's been testing you before he crosses obvious lines:

Offering lifts
Asking you what time you're leaving home to collect you
Telling you that he enjoys seeing you
Inviting himself Suggesting he comes over to your house to WFH together
Suggesting lunch together
Texting you on a non school day to tell you he hates weekends and can't wait till Monday - clearly to get you to think whether it's because he fancies you.

Try doing what @NorthernDramaLlama suggested so you don't have to see him!

he is definitely testing where the line is. And you are right to trust your instincts. Next he will be telling you him and the wife aren't getting on, to open up a whole new conversation. just don't reply to any messages if you can. I know it can be awkward x

Stop being friendly toward him. He's a pushy creep.

And of course tell your DP.

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I had one like this at work. There was not a single thing I could take to HR and if I mentioned it to anyone they tended to say "oh he's just being friendly". But his "friendly" behaviour, when taken as a whole, was creepy as hell. He wouldn't take the hint. In the end I basically told him to fuck off and blocked him on all channels. This is not like me at all, but it needed to stop. I would recommend you do similar if you need to - a bit of awkwardness is better than this going on indefinitely. I hope you get it sorted.

I am glad I am not over thinking, I sometimes doubt myself. Its the small things that i have started to notice like the messaging "good morning , what time are you leaving do you want me to give you a lift or are you watching this" Not much about school but more about what I am up to. The compliments though appropriate are a bit too much almost as if he has to say something about what I am wearing or my hair even though it's just ordinary clothes. Another thing was the way he kept asking what my dp does as in work. Initially I just said he works for ......, he kept asking what exactly does he do like he was comparing jobs I have started changing the subject to something general like football , music etc. I will try and avoid without seeming rude.

Lincolnshirelass I honestly don't know if I should just block him , he has not actually done anything just me getting the feeling that he might be looking for more. I don't want to be rude if there is nothing to it.

I don't want to be rude if there is nothing to it.

Establishing your boundaries and saying "No" isn't being rude. You gave him your number because you couldn't think of a reason to say "No", but did it occur to you that "because I don't want to" is a good enough reason?
You are being a people pleaser and don't want to be seen as difficult or rude just in case there is nothing to it. If they do not have an ulterior motive and is decent person, they won't mind you saying "No".

You are not comfortable with the level of contact, so blocking him will stop that. If gets annoyed with you because you've blocked him, then it confirms that you were right to.

He's over stepping but trying to be nice about it, you should tell your dp incase it gets worse and he wonders why you didn't say anything before. Ignore the texts and I would keep contact to a minimum when you see him at the school.

He sounds like a massive creep op.
He knows full well you aren't interested and is still pushing at you.
Stop prioritizing his feelings over your own.
Stop replying to his messages. If he thinks you're rude then so what? He's being rude to you by trying to walk all over you.

Just say "I'd rather we kept any communication to school and the children. Thanks."

Of course he's chatting you up, but he's bullying you into it.

Shut it down, no reponding to texts, state you don't need lifts and try to be engaged in conversation with the other mothers at school.
Just don't allow him space to try to be intimate with you.

Some men don't take the hint, but I think he's aimed his gaze at you as he thinks you are a push over.
Toughen up and if he continues tell your husband he's making you feel uncomfortable.

Trust your gut - it is your boundary.

Even if he isn’t being a creep (he is though) this behaviour would be intrusive and inappropriate from another school mum IMHO.

Whenever you feel confused or unsettled it means No / stop / don’t / caution / withdraw / red flag.

You can respond with one text to say.

“Please stop texting me.”

This isn’t rude. He needs telling. It won’t be the first time someone has told him to back off in his life - and he targets someone like you.

Don’t feel you are being rude - he is being rude.

He is not acknowledging your first boundary of ignoring or non committal to anything - he is pushing on ahead because he is disrespectful.

Expect him to flounce but he’s not going to say anything to his DW or your DP .... I would tell your DP that you are uncomfortable with this.

I would also get ahead of the long school holidays as he will likely try to tie you up in knots.

Definitely tell your partner and show him the messages (not sure why you haven't) and consider blocking anyway, why do you need to keep in touch any more? He's not communicating about the children's playdates.

I think I'd not answer his messages and when he asks, say, "Oh my husband's got my phone at the moment. He lost his."

He's definitely creepy/overstepping. I agree, don't engage with him, don't reply to texts or always with a no thank you to any suggestions, hopefully he'll get the message or you might have to be more direct.

thank you all, I i'll start from tomorrow, just morning at the gate and move away as quickly as possible. I will not give him chance to engage. I do find it difficult to be rude but will try and say I am rushing to a work meeting and can't chat.
I don't really reply to his text except an emoji even if its a question like are you watching football. On weekends I just ignore the messages. He hardly says anything about the children anymore.
I need to set boundaries
I will give it a try before I say something to my dp.