overfriendly

[judgeruddy]

Hello everyone is this wrong or am I reading into it too much. I live with my long term partner and we have a little girl. She is in 1st year at school. I work from home and I do the school runs. There is a young family a few doors near my house whose daughter is in my dd class. We normally just waved or polite hellos until the children started school.
The father of the girl works from home and I see him at the gate or on my way. He asked for my no as he wanted to invite my dd for a play date. I couldn't find a reason to say no so I gave. He has now become overfriendly. He will text me to say what time are you leaving home , do you want me to pick you etc. I drive but normally prefer to walk. I normally just thank him and say no. He said he enjoys seeing me and will compliment me. I sometime have headphones listening to a podcast just to avoid talking, he has now taken to discussing what podcast to listen to .
At the school he will come speak to me even if I am talking to other parents, he will text me to ask where I was if he did not see me. I dread the school run as I have to be polite and engage with him. He never really says anything inappropriate but there is a hint(perhaps I'm reading too much into it) he will suggest lunch, has asked if I am bored working from home as he is. when I said sometimes he suggested maybe he could come to the house and keep me company. The way he said it was like two friends working from home together nothing more just that he will bring his laptop. I just ignored it. He has now taken to texting me , not anything alarming but will suggest shows to watch, talk about football or send a joke or just good morning. The text seem to be increasing from one about the children meeting up for playdate to daily hello etc. He even texted me today to say he hates weekend and cannot wait for Monday.I do not reply to the texts , sometimes I will send a smiling emoji bit nothing else. He tried to video call me one day , didn't answer then texted to say sorry it was a mistake. I have tried to talk about my DP but he never seems interested except to ask what job dp does. When I see him on the street he will stop to say hello, want to chat or offer to drop me where I am going. If I see him when with my dp he will wave like any neighbour would do and go his way.

I do not want to say anything to my dp as honestly he has not been inappropriate although I see subtle signs. I am a polite person and find it hard to tell people to back off and in this case he really has not done anything. Maybe he is just being friendly nothing else

Op - tell your partner. This person is making you feel uncomfortable- why are you keeping this to yourself? Tell him, not to make an issue but to get his take on it & maybe he can do the school run with you for a few days…Also don’t respond to any more texts - an emoji is a response - offer nothing back. Good luck.

I dread the school run as I have to be polite and engage with him.

Nope. Don't be polite to men who are making you feel uncomfortable repeatedly. You don't owe them 'nice' at the expense of you feeling comfortable.

Be cold. What's the worst that could happen? He thinks you're a 'bitch' or 'stuck up'? Good. He'll leave you alone then!

I just have a feeling that he is hinting at something but he never really crosses the line.

Again, nope. You get to decide what YOUR line is.

Some people for example would say oh I'm a flirt I flirt with everyone. Others would say that they would never flirt with someone outside of their relationship. Not saying flirting is involved at all on your part, just an example of different people having different boundaries and all of them being equally valid.

He's crossing YOUR line. That's all that matters and you need to enforce that line by making your boundaries your priority.

Please tell your husband.

@fairydust11

Op - tell your partner. This person is making you feel uncomfortable- why are you keeping this to yourself? Tell him, not to make an issue but to get his take on it & maybe he can do the school run with you for a few days…Also don’t respond to any more texts - an emoji is a response - offer nothing back. Good luck.

And yes to this. Tell your partner. You've done nothing wrong and if something is unsettling you, a good partner would want to support you through it emotionally.

Sounds to me like he is trying (too hard) to befriend you and ultimately to get into a lift/walk share; this is based on similar experiences I’ve had, both male and female. Think Julia in Motherland trying to wangle favours through false friendship! You’ve a long number of years to go through school, so do NOTHING more than suits you, ignore messaged (leave on delivered/read but don’t reply with emojis), and if compliments or messages cross a personal line (‘looking nice today!’), swiftly reply ‘I don’t really like personal messages on my appearance like that.’ I’d put money on him trying to blag you to offer to share the school runs/after school care.

It definitely sounds like he's testing the water. Saying he hates weekends - Sounds like he might want you to ask more about that so he can tell you how bored or miserable he is with his wife. Which he might be if he's saying he hates weekends, which is the time he probably spends with her.

If you find him difficult to ignore, either pretend to be talking on your phone or actually call someone. Then he can't interrupt you.

He's definitely creepy

Definitely tell you husband to make an appearance when he's around

Change your phone number? DONT give him new number? Block his number

Never apologize never explain

He's definitely looking for free childcare also. Tons of school parents can be like this. So fake.

But I'm uncomfortable that he is seeking g access to your home too, that is just far too much.

Be strong. Stop being nice. That's so outdated lol

@HollowTalk

I think I'd not answer his messages and when he asks, say, "Oh my husband's got my phone at the moment. He lost his."

Ooh, good one.

Surely it doesn’t matter if he’s ‘only” being friendly? It’s clearly not a friendship you want, regardless of its intention.

tell your partner.
don't reply at all, don't send emojis.
why do you think it's rude to prioritise your own needs and comfort.
you really have to learn not to be too nice to random people; i got lumbered with some difficult situations, both men and women, by not being assertive enough when i was younger.
this man has targeted you because you are too nice.

Tell your partner
Stop letting this man make you dread the school run.

Further to what others have said - tell your partner. And maybe ask your partner to do a couple of school runs or go with you a couple of times.

I also think you should tell your partner & don't respond to any more messages. I would be extremely wary of him.

thanks to everyone, today I ignored him, maybe not as such but I quickly dropped my dd then walked to my car , saw him coming towards me and I walked faster to the car. He waved and I waved. He texted later to say what was the hurry , haven't replied. I think I will block him if he wants to talk about playdates he can say it in person.
I will probably see him this afternoon, its raining so will be in the car.

Well done @judgeruddy. Could you get your dp to do the school run with you some days?

Well done OP. Have you thought any more about speaking to your partner about this? I can't really understand why you haven't if he's a nice partner? You're meant to be a team and support each other when stuff is making you anxious. I really think you should tell him that this guy is making you uncomfortable. You don't need to ask him to swoop in, but I can't see the harm in letting him know something is making you uncomfortable and you're annoyed about it spoiling the school run etc.

That’s a great step that you have taken.
Don’t respond to his text.
I hope that you feel empowered that you have put that boundary down.

I would tell your DP as possibly this guy will become even more troublesome once he senses you putting down a boundary.

Just keep calm and consistent.

Don’t agree to any play dates ever.

Sorry we are busy
No that doesn’t work for us
No that doesn’t suit us
No thanks

Etc

I've had a similar experience lately and found it really stressful. I eventually texted him and said bluntly that my husband wasn't happy with all the messaging so it was best it stopped.

I felt uncomfortable putting it on my husband rather than saying I was uncomfortable, but it did stop.

There was a bloke like this on the Mush app a few years back (maybe he’s still on there).
Sending loads of innocent sounding messages but I just had a feeling he was creeping on new mothers.. turns out he was doing the same to loads of women.. as he was a house husband he had loads of free time for play dates/coffees etc.. kept on and on. I just deleted the app in the end.
I often wonder who he is creeping on now.

Guys like this don't get the hints you're planning on giving him. I think you need to tell him outright that your husband is not happy about the messages and that you feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. Then if he doesn't stop you'll have to block. You can't say fairer than that and it's not being rude. When you see him again try not to make eye contact with him. Don't wave to him or smile. It's hard but you can do it OP.

I am going to continue avoiding him. Calm and consistent thats what I need to do. My dp is laidback , I just don't want to make a big deal if this man meant no harm. I dodged him this afternoon. My dp cannot drop daughter except once in a while due to work logistics. I just have to show I do not want to be his friend continue to ignore and not engage, hopefully he will back off. If he persists I will tell my dp.

Nosholowmo maybe he is the same guy, seems to have a lot of time on his hands , although he says he works from home. Hi messages are innocent but also saying something. hopefully he gets the hint.

Creep. He's pursuing you, presumably you've got years more of school run, of being neighbours, cut him off and be glad that you've recognised quickly that he's pushing and pushing your boundaries and you're doing something about it. If he was another mum it'd be super annoying, you're not looking for a new best friend, as a male neighbour its inappropriate. Block him. Or if you really want to you could reply back that his constant contact is making you uncomfortable and he should leave you alone. But you don't need to. Avoid, ignore. It might make you feel better to tell your husband, to share the anxiety it is causing, you are a team.

I can't understand this mentality of telling him your OH is not happy with the contact!

Why shouldn't women just say straight out that THEY'RE not happy with the contact? Why do they have to make out that the Big Man is getting cross so the Poor Little Woman has to toe the line?!

That's giving the impression that you have no problem with what he's doing and are just meekly obeying your OH.

Crazy stuff!