overfriendly

[judgeruddy]

Hello everyone is this wrong or am I reading into it too much. I live with my long term partner and we have a little girl. She is in 1st year at school. I work from home and I do the school runs. There is a young family a few doors near my house whose daughter is in my dd class. We normally just waved or polite hellos until the children started school.
The father of the girl works from home and I see him at the gate or on my way. He asked for my no as he wanted to invite my dd for a play date. I couldn't find a reason to say no so I gave. He has now become overfriendly. He will text me to say what time are you leaving home , do you want me to pick you etc. I drive but normally prefer to walk. I normally just thank him and say no. He said he enjoys seeing me and will compliment me. I sometime have headphones listening to a podcast just to avoid talking, he has now taken to discussing what podcast to listen to .
At the school he will come speak to me even if I am talking to other parents, he will text me to ask where I was if he did not see me. I dread the school run as I have to be polite and engage with him. He never really says anything inappropriate but there is a hint(perhaps I'm reading too much into it) he will suggest lunch, has asked if I am bored working from home as he is. when I said sometimes he suggested maybe he could come to the house and keep me company. The way he said it was like two friends working from home together nothing more just that he will bring his laptop. I just ignored it. He has now taken to texting me , not anything alarming but will suggest shows to watch, talk about football or send a joke or just good morning. The text seem to be increasing from one about the children meeting up for playdate to daily hello etc. He even texted me today to say he hates weekend and cannot wait for Monday.I do not reply to the texts , sometimes I will send a smiling emoji bit nothing else. He tried to video call me one day , didn't answer then texted to say sorry it was a mistake. I have tried to talk about my DP but he never seems interested except to ask what job dp does. When I see him on the street he will stop to say hello, want to chat or offer to drop me where I am going. If I see him when with my dp he will wave like any neighbour would do and go his way.

I do not want to say anything to my dp as honestly he has not been inappropriate although I see subtle signs. I am a polite person and find it hard to tell people to back off and in this case he really has not done anything. Maybe he is just being friendly nothing else

@WhitePhantom

I can't understand this mentality of telling him your OH is not happy with the contact!

Why shouldn't women just say straight out that THEY'RE not happy with the contact? Why do they have to make out that the Big Man is getting cross so the Poor Little Woman has to toe the line?!

That's giving the impression that you have no problem with what he's doing and are just meekly obeying your OH.

Crazy stuff!

I agree with this.

In a previous life, I would have used the excuse that my husband wouldn't be happy with this level of contact, but why do you need to protect yourself with another man? It suggests that they will respect another man but not you. In my case, he didn't care so that backfired on me anyway.

Woman should be able to tell another man that SHE doesn't want contact, and take responsibility for her decision. I get that some are too scared to, but if we don't start somewhere to ride out the fear then we will never find our voice and confidence.

@Onthedunes

Of course he's chatting you up, but he's bullying you into it.

Shut it down, no reponding to texts, state you don't need lifts and try to be engaged in conversation with the other mothers at school.
Just don't allow him space to try to be intimate with you.

Some men don't take the hint, but I think he's aimed his gaze at you as he thinks you are a push over.
Toughen up and if he continues tell your husband he's making you feel uncomfortable.

agree.

I have blocked him as everyone suggested. I will probably see him at school tomorrow, just going to ignore him.If he wants to discuss playdate he can do that in person not via text, to be fair after I gave him my no he never spoke about the playdate again. I need to learn to be assertive. Hopefully he will leave me alone.
xsquared and whitePhantom I think this is why I haven't said anything to my dp, I feel that I should be able to fight my own battles without getting him involved .

I feel bad though l am not normally like this l am a people pleaser and find it difficult to set boundaries. Hopefully he will not be offended by me blocking him

@judgeruddy

I feel bad though l am not normally like this l am a people pleaser and find it difficult to set boundaries. Hopefully he will not be offended by me blocking him

I can tell you are a people pleaser and so can he. He knows you find it to say no and won't explicitly set boundaries because you fear it will offend him, which you have just confirmed.

You are not responsible for how he feels. Normal people will take the hint when they are told no. Does it matter if he is offended with you blocking him? It is more important that your boundaries are respected.

Have you read this book on boundaries? I highly recommend it.

Whar a creep.

Glad you blocked him.

I sould tell DP if this was me , no particular reason other than I didnt like the medsages and his behaviour and He is now blocked!

I’d tell my dp, it’s a bit strange not to. It’s sharing your concerns not being too weak to fight your own battles.

ell done.
but why do you hope he will not be offended by your blocking him.
why do you give him such status.
what about him offending you.
he is a stalker.
do you want to be a people pleaser, or now that you've identified that you tend to that, can you see how it has been holding you back.
it's like trying to defend yourself with one hand tied behind your back.
there are many good resources on youtube re assertiveness.
good luck.

Nobody texts their friends "good morning" that's for partners. He's angling for an affair.

Next time he comments on your clothes or hair, look confused and tell him he seems to be obsessed with what you look like and it's not good to objectify women. Watch him squirm. Then wander off like you've forgotten about him already.

Tell him the morning walk is your daily meditation so you prefer to do it alone.

If he interrupts other conversation at the school gate just glance his way, but ignore him, until you've finished speaking to whoever you were speaking to. Interrupting someone mid sentence who's already having a conversation is really rude, especially to the person they were speaking/listening to who is now being ignored. Don't let him do it. Its disrespectful.

Smile less around him, there's men out there who think even that is a come on. Practice resting bitch face.

Be distracted and preoccupied, like ore deep in thought working out how to escape him , don't give him your full attention.

If he still doesn't back off change your number and say you've been having a nuisance caller so you're only giving it to close friends and family now! Watch him squirm some more as realises you mean him.

He's a creep. I'm glad you've blocked him. Maybe he's got form for doing this with other mother's?

saw him coming towards me and I walked faster to the car. He waved and I waved. He texted later to say what was the hurry

That question is bang out of order. You do not need to justify yourself in that way to anyone, ever.

just don't want to make a big deal if this man meant no harm.

He's pushing against your boundaries which is disrespecting you and yes it qualifies as "harmful".

People will take you as far as you let them.

My hope is for you to use this opportunity to find your voice, stand up for yourself, draw a clear line - very directly - and then teach your daughter to NOT be a people pleaser.

Great job! But please please tell your partner. This kind of behaviour might escalate as he feels the rejection and you'll need his support.

I find it worrying that you haven't told your partner. Why is that? Are you frightened to? Is he jealous? Are you afraid he'll be dismissive? Tbh your 'fear' of sharing your (justified) anxiety about this man is telling. Either it means you're used to not being taken seriously, or your afraid of your partner's reaction, or that your people pleasing runs so deep you are like catnip to boundary pushing creeps. Sorry to be so dramatic, but imagine your stalker bumps you off - your partner won't have a clue who to suspect!

Well done for blocking.

He knows what he is doing.

Take another step today - by blanking / ignoring and looking straight on. And keep doing that indefinitely.

It is not rude - it is a boundary to a creep. Don’t worry he will be expecting it - will have experienced it lots of times before.

You owe him no politeness.

DO NOT do play dates - I suspect that he will revert back to this tactic to try to try to reel you back in.

If he approaches you - just say.

No thanks
No that doesn’t work for me
No that’s not what I want

If he asks you “what’s wrong” tell him you are a private person and you find his actions intrusive and a nuisance.

Then just keep walking on - always be ready to walk on - or get your phone out to call someone.

@judgeruddy

I feel bad though l am not normally like this l am a people pleaser and find it difficult to set boundaries. Hopefully he will not be offended by me blocking him

Why is his possible offence more important than you feeling unpleasantly crowded by his pushy attempts to force his way into your life, regardless of whether there’s a sexual agenda?

Try this book!

Please Yourself: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0008409374/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabcA449HZ8MGXDHNND59NZ2

Maybe you could ask him politely if he could delete your number from his phone, do so while you're standing next to him and in front of others so that he just does it on the spot before getting the chance to write it down. You could say that you initially gave it to him for whatever it was (arranging play date?) but that actually he's contacting you much more than you are comfortable with.

He will be offended. But that's ok. You are already offended by what he is doing. Don't put his feelings before your own.

A liberating thing is allowing yourself to be disliked if necessary.

@WhitePhantom

I can't understand this mentality of telling him your OH is not happy with the contact!

Why shouldn't women just say straight out that THEY'RE not happy with the contact? Why do they have to make out that the Big Man is getting cross so the Poor Little Woman has to toe the line?!

That's giving the impression that you have no problem with what he's doing and are just meekly obeying your OH.

Crazy stuff!

Women, with good reason, are often conditioned by past experiences to be wary of directly challenging or turning down men they don't know. Especially men that make them feel uncomfortable. This man knows where she lives.

A man like this is often more likely to be dissuaded by the 'jealous husband' idea, than to calmly respect the woman saying she wishes to cease contact. How many of us have had experiences with doing this, or turning down a man, and getting aggression in return? Most of us, I'd reckon.

This man has already shown he doesn't respect OP, he has persisted in sending multiple messages across a span of days, despite getting little in return. His 'what's the hurry' message shows that he feels emboldened to OP's time, to ask what she's doing, and that he expects her attention.

Yeah, she SHOULD be able to just message him that she wants him to stop messaging and him respect that. But he doesn't seem like the type of man to do that from what's happening so far. She could well end up angering him, him going off on the deep end claiming that she is accusing him of fancying her, aggressively denying that there's anything other than wanting to make friends, telling his wife that OP is coming onto him, anything.

It's not about toeing the line and being a meek little woman. It's about personal safety and security and choosing an option that is least likely to blow back on you. If you tell a drunk man in a bar you're not interested in him because you're just not interested in him the response is far more likely to be dangerous than if you say you have a boyfriend. Why do you think women who are travelling often wear fake rings?

Are you starting to understand a bit more now? Why even if you feel confident in approaching it this way, not every woman does?

Well done op ...

Remember you can't like everyone in this life and everyone can't like you, apply this to whatever area of your life and do not be afraid of keeping your boundaries in tact just because you fear what others think of you.

It is healthy to look out for yourself, this man knows exactly what he is doin, his comments are being directed privately to you as though there is some exclusivity about your friendship. An almost trying to pull you away from the pack to control you.

You have made excuses up for him, not wishing to call him out on his behaviour for fear of being called irrational.
You are not irrational, you were spot on.

Now carry on putting those boundaries in place and no guilt whatsoever.
Warn some of the other mothers if necessary, he sounds such a bore to have hanging arround the school yard daily, telling you he hates weekends.
He's a disrespectful twat to his wife.

Fair enough @WeatherSystems, all good points.

However the OP, as far as I can see, is not afraid of this man. She just doesn't seem to want to address the issue at all - either by talking or over with her OH, or asking the man to stop contacting her.

This thing of ignoring him and running off to avoid him seems (to me) to just be a way of prolonging the whole thing. Repeatedly running off, avoiding someone, and ignoring them / their texts is surely going to be more stressful long term? Addressing it in an assertive way would be far more likely to bring results and put an end to the whole thing. It can simply be a direct and courteous request - "I gave you my number because you said you wanted to arrange play dates, but instead you're texting me every day about anything and everything. I'm finding it really inappropriate / it's making me feel very uncomfortable, and I'd like you to stop"

I think she's blocked him now so hopefully that's it done.

I would personally have no qualms being direct, and I would have shared it with my husband from the start. but I recognise that for some women it feels a safer and less risky option to try and slink out of confrontation. I think there's a lot of wisdom sadly in the 'my husband has my phone as mine's broken' or the 'my husband isn't happy with the amount of messages' approach. I wish it wasn't this way, but we can only work within the reality we're in.

Assertiveness is great and something I wish everyone felt comfortable with though!

How are you getting on @judgeruddy