Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he just with me for my daughter

67 replies

Sharon340 · 26/06/2021 21:53

Hi so im at a loss at the minute. Me and my partner of 2 years just had a baby 8 weeks ago. I have 2 other boys which we all live together in my home. He is in the process of building another home which is solely his. We have been having major arguments lately. I feel like i have gave up everything to create a family with him. He works away 2 weeks on and 2 weeks home. He was brilliant at the start took me on dates alot always thinking about me. Now he just wants to go do his own thing all the time. He drinks everyday hes at home, when hes away doing his own stuff hes always sneaking drinks with his mates. Ive recently found out he has been searching up his ex on social media. He said he just wanted to see what she was at. This girl robbed him of thousands of pounds. Im furious he would even do that. So in these arguments hes called me nqmes and wwnt to hit me he calls me crazy mental and that i control him. I have explained that hes just leaving me stuck at home with our baby and dosent care if ive anything to do. I dont mind him doing anything at all but he never wants to do anything with me. Hes made comments about hes here all the time and he does alot for me. Am i wrong in thinking that living with me isnt enough as i want him to do and plan things for just us now and again. Tidying the house he thinks thats doing stuff for me. He has also told me 1 year ago he has an engagement ring for me but hes still yet to purpose. Im at my wits end i dont know what to do. Hes also just informed me he is in 100,000 debt, and i feel like im picking up the pieces of his past while he talks to me like c!@#. Im starting to feel as if i am the problem and i dont think thats fair. Any advice would be helpful.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 26/06/2021 22:02

Sorry your going through this but why would you want him there he doesn't want you or your family he's blotting his life out with drink hes planning a house just for him maybe he's hanging around until his house is ready if this was me I would ask him to move out you obviously managed before he came along when it was you and your boys good luck with whatever you decide. Do not marry him and take on his debts.

Original poster
Sharon340 · 26/06/2021 22:14

He says its for us to move into. This is 1 hour away from where i live and he wants me to give up everything and move down there. I dont know why im still in this realationship i think i still hold on to alot of hope that we have a future together, sad i know. He never takes responsibility for any part of an argument at all. Im always to blame. I suppose i dont want my daughter to grow up like my boys with there dad not around. I honestly dont know.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 26/06/2021 22:19

It's fine for him to search old girlfriend on FB- I do every now and then, and have been married 25 years.

The rest of it though, no. It's awful. Don't tie yourself to a man that shouts at you, went to hit you, drinks too much and is in debt. I can't see any reason to keep him around.

If you split up, don't assume he gets to have your DD 50% of the time just yet- she's far too young and should be mainly with you.

QueenBee52 · 26/06/2021 22:22

He is using you for accommodation until his home os built and he will leave. 🌸

Pessismistic · 26/06/2021 22:23

Do you want your daughter to follow in your footsteps when she's an adult or your boys to be like him? I get you want to keep your family unit we all do. But he doesn't otherwise he would be a very different person with you all. Family life is hard enough when your a team but much harder when only 1 of you want it so badly to work. His debts are worrying do you know how he spent that money?

Babynames2 · 26/06/2021 22:58

He’s £100k in debt? I think you’ve had a lucky escape with him not proposing. I wouldn’t be tying myself to someone in that much debt. And don’t move with him, stay independent financially and in your own home. He doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be part of a family.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/06/2021 23:28

@Babynames2

He’s £100k in debt? I think you’ve had a lucky escape with him not proposing. I wouldn’t be tying myself to someone in that much debt. And don’t move with him, stay independent financially and in your own home. He doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be part of a family.
This^ As for having a father in her life - donating sperm does not make a man a father. This one isn't.
nimbuscloud · 26/06/2021 23:48

What a mess.

moonbedazzled · 27/06/2021 00:12

There's loads I could write about this - on both sides. But does any of that matter? He drinks, he's in debt, he's abusive. But more than that, he tells you he wants to hit you. I know quite a few men, inside and outside family. They get angry over stuff, they get angry with their partners. That's life. But I never heard any man say, I want to hit you. Why would you put up with that?

Newestname001 · 27/06/2021 00:14

@Sharon340

Please do not give up your home or your current support network to move yourself and your children an hour away.

For goodness sake don't get married to someone who drinks so much, has threatened violence to you and who is in such a huge amount of debt. How is he managing to service such a large debt? What is your current housing situation- is do you own your current home? If so has there been any suggestion you should sell and put the equity into the new property, which is just in his name?

It sounds to me you should back away from this relationship - not move it forward to marriage. You have so much to lose. 🌹

Fuckitsstillraining · 27/06/2021 00:16

Run woman run. Simple as that. This man is not good for you, he's a lousy example to your sons and will be the same to your daughter. Stop putting a roof over his head, let him go build his house and live in it though how exactly he's doing that while in debt I don't know. Do not even consider moving to be with him, you'll be isolated and totally vulnerable

Notapheasantplucker · 27/06/2021 00:23

First thing I thought was 'Do not marry him!'

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 27/06/2021 00:31

Let him go build his house. Don't wait for it or compromise your current position by marrying him.

GrandmasCat · 27/06/2021 00:51

Let him go. You are pushing to get your kids and yourself into a terrible place.

Original poster
Sharon340 · 27/06/2021 01:01

I rent my current house, he dosent have the money to finish his house is which why i think hes finally told me about his debt. I dont know why he didnt tell me this at the start. Hes done this before and had to re mortgage his mums house to pull himself out of debt and he blew it all on drink and watever else. He controls every aspect of my life and judges me and my kids. He has his rock bottom now and has no money and it seems thats all we talk about is fixing his stuff. He does pay for things but how he has been doing so is beyond me. I know hes lost all respect for me because i have now started to confront him. He also trys to please everyone else now doing everything for them and forgetting about me & the kids. He has alot of good traits too but i think the bad overcomes any good he has. It seems all fake. Anytime i try to have a conversation about anything serious like our future and of what i expect he flies of the handle then blames me or just dosent speak. I know i should walk away i just dont know what im holding on to. I dont want to waste my time on something thats not going to work but then i feel like its me causing the issues if i just dont say this or if i look at the good it will be all ok😪

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 27/06/2021 01:02

And this is YOUR problem how ?

33feethighandrising · 27/06/2021 01:05

This won't work.

The longer you stay in this relationship the more pain you are storing up. Please, run a mile from this parasite of a man.

Original poster
Sharon340 · 27/06/2021 01:06

He has a good paying job but lives in a £5000 overdraft so therefore his wage isnt even his. Its constantly paying the overdraft. Hes looking to put a mortgage on to his house thats hes building or go for an iva to clear it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharon340 · 27/06/2021 01:08

I know its not my problem but it will be if we marry. How can someone pretend to be something hes not 😢

OP posts:
moonbedazzled · 27/06/2021 01:12

I had a partner that was so funny I just used to laugh all the time. He had faults but I could forgive them because he was such good fun. Then one day I stopped laughing. And then I took on his faults and realised there was no reason why I'd stay with him other than the vain hope I'd start laughing again.

He's not making mistakes for the first time, he's a repeat offender who's learned nothing and he's not going to change. If he doesn't even want to change for his baby, he's never going to change for you. Sorry.

So you can stay if you feel scared to leave but he's not going to change so you will leave him some time. Question is, do you leave sooner and get on with your life, or later when he's managed to mess even more of it up?

ArcheryAnnie · 27/06/2021 01:27

he wants me to give up everything and move down there

Can you imagine your life if he's the only thing in it? Please don't allow him to cut you off from anyone and anywhere that you know.

Original poster
Sharon340 · 27/06/2021 01:38

@moonbedazzled
Your 100% right. I know im a strong women but lately i feel vunerable maybe after having the baby. Its crazy how things work i knew this was all going to happen from the beginning, yet i took the risk. I know ive only myself to blame. It seems he loves that im stuck in the house with a small baby. Hes a people pleaser and he dosent have to please me no more hes got me right where he wants me

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 27/06/2021 01:55

I’m sorry OP but I think it is you who is bringing the problem to yourself.

When someone shows you who they are:
drinking problem,
useless with money,
mortgaged his mum house to pay his own debts while in a good salary,
His house will be only his and,
He is ignoring you at home already.

What normal intelligent people would do is run away fast and far, not start asking where the hell their ring is.

namcybotwinbloom · 27/06/2021 01:59

Sounds like your with my ex.

Original poster
Sharon340 · 27/06/2021 02:05

@GrandmasCat
Your totally right.

OP posts: