Is he just with me for my daughter

[Sharon340]

Hi so im at a loss at the minute. Me and my partner of 2 years just had a baby 8 weeks ago. I have 2 other boys which we all live together in my home. He is in the process of building another home which is solely his. We have been having major arguments lately. I feel like i have gave up everything to create a family with him. He works away 2 weeks on and 2 weeks home. He was brilliant at the start took me on dates alot always thinking about me. Now he just wants to go do his own thing all the time. He drinks everyday hes at home, when hes away doing his own stuff hes always sneaking drinks with his mates. Ive recently found out he has been searching up his ex on social media. He said he just wanted to see what she was at. This girl robbed him of thousands of pounds. Im furious he would even do that. So in these arguments hes called me nqmes and wwnt to hit me he calls me crazy mental and that i control him. I have explained that hes just leaving me stuck at home with our baby and dosent care if ive anything to do. I dont mind him doing anything at all but he never wants to do anything with me. Hes made comments about hes here all the time and he does alot for me. Am i wrong in thinking that living with me isnt enough as i want him to do and plan things for just us now and again. Tidying the house he thinks thats doing stuff for me. He has also told me 1 year ago he has an engagement ring for me but hes still yet to purpose. Im at my wits end i dont know what to do. Hes also just informed me he is in 100,000 debt, and i feel like im picking up the pieces of his past while he talks to me like c!@#. Im starting to feel as if i am the problem and i dont think thats fair. Any advice would be helpful.

Threat of violence, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, debt, alcoholism is what he brings.

Please know that you haven't done anything wrong and this isn't your fault!

It's him. He is the bad one. Please try and get away from him before he hits you.

Keep commenting on here for support if you ever start to doubt you're doing the right thing.

I wouldn't expect him to have much of a relationship with your baby though, but that's probably for the best if he is abusive.

Do you think he would go if you asked him to leave?

You need to kick him out.
He will drag you down and grind you down the longer you stay with him. He needs to pack his stuff and leave.

Why would you even want to marry him? He went to hit you, does nothing, has a large debt and drinks too much. Get rid before he ends up hurting you physically.

You know you've been stupid and made some huge mistakes here but it's time to wise up!
Get him out of you house
Do not move into his house
Do not marry him
Do not have children with him
Do not help him to pay his debts
Put yourself and your 3 children first! The veil is finally lifting and you are starting to see him for who he is, your instinct Is to look away to protect what you thought you had but you need to look well and hard.

Maybe he seems like a good prospect because he's got a good salary and he's building a house.

But the house is not finished, he can't afford to finish it, he's got massive debt, and even if he finished it somehow - won't the creditors be after it to sell it to settle debts?
It wouldn't be in any part yours unless he married you - and even then, it's highly unlikely there'd be much value in it , with him being heavily in debt and seeming to have a habit of running up big debt repeatedly.

Then there's the salary, how much do you actually see of that? It sounds more like he lives off you.

Your best chance of seeing any of it is child maintenance .. if he doesn't scam his way out of proper assessment.

The poster who wondered what exactly he's doing, aside from drink, with his money that he's in a good salary but has big debts, raised a good point. It's weird.

Even if you got married, you were able to stay in that house (unlikely) and you had a claim on it (though you would also possibly be liable for his debts) .. he still drinks every day, doesn't pull his weight, and has threatened to hit you/could become physically abusive too.

But I don't think he's going to let you get at any of his money really - not that there ever seems to be any with his debt issues.

He also sounds like the type to be cheating when he's working away, sorry - but that's how he strikes me.

As soon as I read " went to hit me " I was done
And so should you be
Get out now
POS

This man is toxic in so many ways. He is an alcoholic, he has serious debit issues and he was going to hit you. You already had 2 children and you had a baby with him. Then he tells you about the fact he is in 100,000 worth of debit and he has already got his mother to re-mortage her house to get him out of debit.
He works 2 weeks on and then comes back home too you. My feeling is that he is just using you until he ever gets the house he is building done and with his financial issues that may never happen. That house could built and he could end up selling it to pay off his debits.
My advice to you is to end things with him. Tell him to get out of the house your currently in. He does not care about you or his child and long term he has nothing to offer you but problems.
I know it not easy to end things but you need to think of your life and your kids lives going forward.
One of my friends got involved with an alcoholic over 20 years ago in her early 20s. Within a few months she was pregnant. She had 3 kids with him. She was sick of him drinking, of being short of money and the arguments
She ended things with him and got him out of their rented house. She was on benifits for a while but as the children got older she went back work. She then did a course and now has a decent job. 2 of her children now have degrees and are both working. Her 3rd child is doing a degree and works PT.
I know it was hard for my friend after she did this but she said I did not want my kids growing up in this environment.

The poster who wondered what exactly he's doing, aside from drink, with his money that he's in a good salary but has big debts, raised a good point. It's weird

I'm wondering if there's a second family where he works. Or even if the well-paying, work-away job exists at all. A second family and an ordinary job would explain the debt.

Or gambling or drugs. Something anyway. If you spent £100k twice over on booze alone, I don't think you'd be sufficiently functional to hold down any job never mind a well-paying career job.

If he ever gets the house built by mortgaging it now, I can see him moving OP in, forcing her back to work to pay off the mortgage for this house she doesn't own. He's just using her. It's sad.

If he has an engagement ring for you then I’ll come and finish building his house myself. There is no ring, there never was a ring. It’s a load of old bollocks designed to keep you putting up with his behaviour in the hope you’ll get your Prince Charming and a happy ever after. You won’t. What you’ll get is abandoned as soon as he’s either got his house ready, or the next woman lined up to put up with his shit while he tries to pay for it.

I know you don’t want your daughter to grow up without a dad and that’s completely understandable. What is not understandable is forcing your three children to grow up with a man who drinks too much, cannot manage money and has violent and aggressive rows with their mother. That is not a better option than bringing them up by yourself.

I think he’s just using you to be honest. Do you not think you could do better?
I’d rather be on my own than with someone like your dp, he doesn’t seem to have any redeeming qualities!

Of course he's using you... be realistic.. the ring is to keep you dangling and providing him free room and board until he builds his own place...

Wake Up OP ...

It seems he loves that im stuck in the house with a small baby. Hes a people pleaser and he dosent have to please me no more hes got me right where he wants me

Indeed.
And it will be much worse if you give up your house and move into his.
Don't do that, whatever else you do.

Could you live separately and he sees his DC once a week or so. You said he controls you so if you kick him out it's not so easy for him.