Is he just with me for my daughter

[Sharon340]

Hi so im at a loss at the minute. Me and my partner of 2 years just had a baby 8 weeks ago. I have 2 other boys which we all live together in my home. He is in the process of building another home which is solely his. We have been having major arguments lately. I feel like i have gave up everything to create a family with him. He works away 2 weeks on and 2 weeks home. He was brilliant at the start took me on dates alot always thinking about me. Now he just wants to go do his own thing all the time. He drinks everyday hes at home, when hes away doing his own stuff hes always sneaking drinks with his mates. Ive recently found out he has been searching up his ex on social media. He said he just wanted to see what she was at. This girl robbed him of thousands of pounds. Im furious he would even do that. So in these arguments hes called me nqmes and wwnt to hit me he calls me crazy mental and that i control him. I have explained that hes just leaving me stuck at home with our baby and dosent care if ive anything to do. I dont mind him doing anything at all but he never wants to do anything with me. Hes made comments about hes here all the time and he does alot for me. Am i wrong in thinking that living with me isnt enough as i want him to do and plan things for just us now and again. Tidying the house he thinks thats doing stuff for me. He has also told me 1 year ago he has an engagement ring for me but hes still yet to purpose. Im at my wits end i dont know what to do. Hes also just informed me he is in 100,000 debt, and i feel like im picking up the pieces of his past while he talks to me like c!@#. Im starting to feel as if i am the problem and i dont think thats fair. Any advice would be helpful.

Gosh, of course you feel vulnerable. You have 3 children, one if them being only 8 weeks old. No one wants to be on their own in that situation and it's totally reasonable that you'd be thinking of ways to make it work. But he hasn't just staeted drinking, and this is the second time he's got himself into a lot if debt, and he's doing a lot more than drinking if he's earning that much money and running up that much debt. And he's nasty.

But I only know this because that's what you've told me so you know all this too. Don't talk in terms of strong or weak. Dont blame yourself. It's nothing to do with that. You've just got yourself into a situation that hasn't turned out like you hoped. Who hasn't done that?! What you need to do is figure out how you'd like your life to be and see if his behaviour fits into that. If it does, fine. But if you think you want better, deserve better, then the longer you stay, the harder it will be to get out of it. But again, you know all this. It's so much easier to be sat on this end of mumsnet than on yours. Don't saddle yourself with debt, don't let him live off you and don't let him drag you down. You and your chikdren deserve soooo much more than that. Good luck. x

With you for your daughter? Unlikely.

With you for your home, money, cooking and to have something to terrorise and threaten? That'll be the pull.

Do not tie your self to a man who is constantly in debt. Do not take on that burden. Fuck him out. He's not going to change. Why would he.

Dear god OP I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I agree with everyone, you'll be so much happier if you end your relationship, and trust me - so will your daughter.

Do not marry him under any circumstances. Don't move in with him it'll be even worse.

I'd kick him out yesterday if it were me.

I realize it's hard when you've invested so much emotionally but if you kick him out I can guarantee that your life will be improving every day a little bit more.

Make sure some friends are nearby when you tell him to leave as it sounds like he may be violent. And don't let him pressure you into letting him stay.

It seems to me that you see very clearly that you're in a very bad situation. If you're paying for everything then you can support your own household, no?

What is stopping you from kicking him out? The dead weight you're carrying (financial and emotional) will be gone and you will be so much happier.

feel like its me causing the issues if i just dont say this or if i look at the good it will be all ok

This is how he wants you to feel.

In reality, it's not you, it's him. No amount of walking on eggshells, squashing yourself down into a kind of robot housekeeper/sex doll/nanny role will appease him.

"The good" you're looking at is a deluded fantasy, sorry, there really isn't any good here. The fact you think there is shows how much he's got to you and messed up your head. That's not your fault, it's his.

My guess is he's staying because he's hidden everything for so long and
he's told you now because the shit is about to hit the fan in some way, i reckon he's going to end up having to sell that half built house and he needs somewhere to live. Can't go back to parents, he's already screwed them over before. I don't think he's staying for your daughter. It's so he's not homeless.

If he doesn't end up homeless I think he'll leave you as soon as the house is built. Whatever happens don't move there with him, you'd be even more isolated and controlled.

I think you should kick him out. Don't make his problems become your problems. Check your credit history in case he's done ID fraud and taken out loans in your name. Sounds like you're not married (thank goodness) and house is rented in your name? Tell landlord you're in an abusive relationship, want him to leave and ask permission to change the locks (at your expense), they'll hopefully agree. He's an alcoholic, in debt upto his eyeballs, and has attempted(?) to hit you previously. All very good reasons to leave this relationship, without even considering the emotional abuse.

There's nothing you can say or do to 'make him understand'. You're thinking if he understands what a knob he's being then he'll change, but that will never happen. He already knows how he's behaving and he thinks it's ok. It's not ok.

I don't even think he wants to be in a relationship with you any more judging from his actions of not wanting to socialize with you, I think it's only about having a place to live and not having to pay child support.

Is there anything good about this relationship?

It sounds like this man is making you very unhappy, and is dragging you into a financial hole. I would leave him.

[quote Sharon340]@moonbedazzled
Your 100% right. I know im a strong women but lately i feel vunerable maybe after having the baby. Its crazy how things work i knew this was all going to happen from the beginning, yet i took the risk. I know ive only myself to blame. It seems he loves that im stuck in the house with a small baby. Hes a people pleaser and he dosent have to please me no more hes got me right where he wants me[/quote]
We all take risks and sometimes make mistakes. The we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and make different choices. What's done is done, it's how you decide to live your future that matters now. You can rectify this mistake by getting rid of him. You can minimise harm to yourself and your children by doing it ASAP. You can heal and get happier by making your home a healthy space without toxic people like him in it. You can fix your social life by making friends. All this is within your power. You likely feel vulnerable because he's oppressing you, so you'll feel better when you step out from under his feet. You're in a heartbreaking situation but you can change that. If he leaves you'll grieve the relationship and then move on. At the moment you're grieving the relationship daily, permanently, because it hasn't turned out how you want and deserve. And that's never going to stop until the situation changes.

He's not going to marry you op! He's a loser. Get rid!

I’m going to be more direct than PPs. You have children who should be your priority. I understand that it’s a scary thought to be alone, but the thought of allowing your children to grow up in this toxic environment should be vastly more terrifying to you. You need to stop thinking about your own feelings (your feelings for him, your worries about starting again) and think about them first and foremost. They have no power and no choice. They are relying on you to protect them and do the right thing. The fact that you are still considering marrying this man is ludicrous. Don’t do that to your children. Don’t tie them to this abusive, alcoholic waster.

As someone whose mother chose an abusive, toxic man (my dad) over her children’s safety and well-being time and time again, this will come back to haunt you. They won’t always be too little to understand. One day - and for me it took becoming a mother myself - they will realise that you chose your shitty relationship at their cost.

You don’t need him. You can manage without him. It’s a choice, so make the right one for your children.

No one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

He's a repeatedly debt ridden alcoholic.

He's even made his mother remortgage her home to bail him out of debt. That says a lot about him (oh I'm sure it'll be "she offered" but let's face it, she was put in that position and felt she had to help him, andhe took her money).

You got pregnant by him too soon. You didn't know him well enough.
But it's done now. So all you can is parent your kids as well as you can and keep him and his instability and conflict out of their lives.

Don't move into his house (if it's ever actually finished) - you won't be on the deeds or mortgage, will you. And even if you were, he keeps getting into debt and you don't want ties up with him and made liable for ,"joint" debt. It wouldn't be a secure home for you and your kids. Stay where you are and get the fuck rid of him. He's unlikely to get any better.

Don't marry him
Don't move in with him
Kick him out

He could also tell you to leave at any time, how is that a secure home for you and your kids.

He works away a fortnight at a time, when presumably he can do what he likes bit when he's back he's still driving every day .... With a small baby between the two of you. So he's an alco or he chooses to lie around drinking even though he has a baby he dies t see or have to care for for half the month, every month.

He's taking the piss out of you.

You need to end this relationship.

He can blame you all he likes but he's bringing instability and conflict I to your home, inflicting stress on you while you're trying to mother a young baby, and your other kids. He's also bringing that into your older kids home . That's not fair on them.

Get rid and lodge a child maintenance application against him.

He sounds useless, abusive and very possibly an alcoholic. Please do not marry this man. When you kick him out, he might be pushed to proposing to suck you back in. Please do not fall for it. It's only two years in and you've seen exactly who he is. It will only get worse. Focus on your DCs who do not need this shit in their lives. You will be so much better off without him practically, financially, and emotionally.

*drinking every day.

He sounds like a general disaster area, the fact that he looking up exes when he's got a partner and small baby is just the cherry on the shit cake.

(Oh and did she really take money off him, or was it the other way around?! It actually doesn't fucking matter. He is shit relationship material and shit father material. Stop shagging him and get him out of your home).

And he's using the engagement ring as a little carrot on a stick to keep you taking his shit
Very manipulative and very insulting.

It's brilliant that he hasn't proposed yet, because if you married, you'd be up shit-creek. Thank god he's accidentally saving you from yourself.

You are with a man who verbally and emotionally abuses you and has threatened to hit you. Don't hang around waiting for him to actually start hitting you.

Get shot of him fgs.

I think he realised you were at the end of your tether and he was in danger of having no handy home to use when he's not working away ... So it was "oh, I was going to propose to you" (if you pipe down and take my totally unfair behaviour and be a good girl, you'll get an engagement ring).

From a debt ridden, alco who doesn't pull his weight with his child, is bringing conflict into your home, and is checking out his ex on SM. What a privilege.

We all take risks and sometimes make mistakes. The we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and make different choices. What's done is done, it's how you decide to live your future that matters now. You can rectify this mistake by getting rid of him. You can minimise harm to yourself and your children by doing it ASAP. You can heal and get happier by making your home a healthy space without toxic people like him in it. You can fix your social life by making friends. All this is within your power. You likely feel vulnerable because he's oppressing you, so you'll feel better when you step out from under his feet. You're in a heartbreaking situation but you can change that. If he leaves you'll grieve the relationship and then move on. At the moment you're grieving the relationship daily, permanently, because it hasn't turned out how you want and deserve. And that's never going to stop until the situation changes.

Great post @AmberIsACertainty

has threatened to hit you. Don't hang around waiting for him to actually start hitting you.

Fk I missed out that.

Yeah it's a definite possibility he's a beater too. Because he certainly doesn't seem to have any control of his urges in any other direction.

he's an abusive asshole and he's 100k in debt.

Take control of the situation. Were you a single parent of two before you met him? You can be a single parent of three. It's going to be hard I"m sure but it will be better than living with a man who doesn't love you, won't help you and uses intimidation to get his way.

With a good salary and apparently no other kids of his own (to date) you should be able to get decent child maintenance out of this clown. That's about all he's good for.

I hope his job is not one he can fiddle and represent as earning a lot less.

Why would you even consider staying with this man? He sounds absolutely horrible.

I do not think marriage will be on the cards since he already does not want to spend time with you. He is clearly using you and you are allowing it, obviously now you are in a much more vulnerable position since you have a newborn.
I fail to understand why you wanted a child with this man in the first place tbh when you already had two. What does he bring to your life?