I’m so lonely it is breaking me

[Heytt]

Just that really. I have nobody to share my life with. My job or home worries, nobody to build furniture with, cook with or for, plan a holiday with, share an unexpected bill with, cuddle when I’m feeling unwell, nobody to get me a cup of tea, ever, nobody to spend my money on. I’m just so sad tonight.

*in London

I’ll be your friend, I’ve moved to a new town and work from home, kids in nursery but when at home 100% full on - absolutely no friendly human contact. Available 😆👍🏻

Op have you considered a dog? Theyre such great companions and really are youre best friend.

I’m also wondering if you live in a small town. I’m single, I’m nearly 32 and over the last 9 years I’ve had nothing more than a few flings lasting a few months. I’ve never had a relationship longer than a year. I’ve had moments of feeling like you do but 95% of the time I’m content within myself and I’m not actively looking for a partner (I’m also realising I might be gay after years of being bi which complicated things but I digress).

• get therapy. And I don’t mean CBT. If you can afford private psychoanalytic therapy or something which similarly delves deep into your past and your psyche, it will really help you understand and contextualise your life up until this point, and may shed light on why none of your previous relationships have worked out. It did for me. That isn’t to say it’s your (or my) fault - not at all. But having a deeper understanding of yourself is enlightening.

• get a dog. It’s changed my life. Dog people talk to each other and it opens up new friendship opportunities.

• get better friends. Okay, easier said than done, but frankly the fact your friends are married shouldn’t stop them wanting to meet you on a Saturday night without their partner. I have friends in long term rships and we manage to go on day trips and nights out and I don’t feel like I’m a spare part tagging along. Are there any local Facebook groups for single people? Classes or hobbies or shared interest groups? All of these things exist here in London with no stigma (you’re absolutely not a freak!) but if you are somewhere smaller and more insular then maybe it is time to think about moving?

• change your self image. You are absolutely not a failure or a freak. The only reason you think this is because, as someone else pointed out, society isn’t built for single people. But you know what? That’s society’s problem. There is nothing inherently superior about being in a monogamous heterosexual partnership, to being single, being polyamorous, being celibate, being gay, being a single parent… the list goes on. Just because conservative norms say the nuclear family is the one ‘correct’ way to live doesn’t make it true. It’s one option of many. So stop judging yourself, would you talk to a single friend the way you talk to yourself?

Once you’re happier and more content within yourself, then is the time to think about dating. In the frame of mind you’re in, it’s bound to not work out because you’re making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are in London PM me, I’ll happily be your pal.

How are you op?

I found this thread whilst searching for a bit of advice. You’re not alone OP. I’m fierce lonely. I’m great on my own, but the last two years have been utterly brutal. Marriage to a ghastly narc ended. But it’s the lack of friends that hurts so much. I’m very nearly without hope now, I’m weary when I wake up. Here again, I think, here again in this bleakness.

@Giotto479 hopefully some of the posts on this thread are useful for you. Have you considered a dog? Have you looked at local groups? Walking groups is a good example?

Thanks for this @Jesskir89 I’m in the process of selling my house and looking for a new one. Not sure where to move to, but I intend to go somewhere livelier than where I am now. I’ve been thinking of getting a dog, but seems unfair as I’m hoping to find a job when I move.

@Giotto479 we had a dog walker and a lovely neighbour help us when I worked at the office the dogs get used to it and love walks with other dogs too. They're fantastic companions and you meet locals with dogs too. Are you able to move closer to family?

I don’t have any close family, sadly. Thanks for dog heads-up :)

I too have found myself in this situation. I’m 48 and feel like I’ve wasted my life with the wrong people. I have no close friends at all and I can’t count on my family. I’ve suffered from depression in the past and the last 4 months have been a massive wake up call for me. My job is incredibly stressful and at the end of the day I barely have the energy to get out and meet new people. I’ve always thought I was independent and content in my space. But I’ve become crippled with loneliness to the point it physically hurts. I feel needy and I’m not ashamed to say I’ve cried most days for the last couple on months. I genuinely don’t know how to turn my life around and would sincerely love any thoughts or ideas

I'm sorry you're both going through this. Please look into local groups

Loneliness can catch you unaware.
I recognised how lonely I was when married and genuinely felt very sad. I tried to express it and got nowhere.
Lately I have been feeling teary and sad at times at how lonely I feel when dc are out or in their rooms
I don't have a big family and feel like I need to be the glue to hold things together.
I try and plan things so I have things to look forward to which I think helps.
Also a little project, painting a room or similar can be helpful

My dog is the best thing I ever did OP. He's the best.
You work from home. He'll sleep at your feet and adore your very being.

Hey lady, @Heytt, you're a young woman still, and you're successful by yourself. You only need to read a few threads on here to see how many terrible relationships there are.

But, what you do have is complete freedom to change and mold your life exactly as you want it. You have no-one that relies on you, your life is completely your own.

And that is a wonderful thing. A state of grace. So much freedom, so many choices.

You're feeling lonely and unfulfilled? YOU can change that. You have no other person to have to think about. That really is a brilliant position to be in.

I think, as other posters have said, therapy would be brilliant for you.

And then? Set yourself free. Really. Absolute freedom. Do what you want.

Amazing.

This is a really interesting thread!

I'm in a slightly different position in a sense that I don't have a partner but I'm pregnant (via IVF and a sperm donor). I have no family near by and a couple of friends locally and few contacts far away but in frequent contact with them.

I've ended up in this situation due to some key factors: moving around too many times, and as a result I've lost contact with childhood friends, school friends and university friends. After that time, as an adult, it's been really tough to penetrate already established groups of friends, they appear to have their 'quota' filled and there is no time to nurture and develop these friendships like there appeared to be in my younger years. There is no real community where I live: most people seem to live very nuclear, family/orientated lives, and fit friends in when they can.

I can see why people including me flock to finding a partner because in a way finding some sort of partner is actually easier than finding friends!

For me, as time was of the essence, I needed to get on with solo parenting because I was wasting time on dating apps, so I will get the family I want and that may lead on to meeting more people and extending my social networks. Partnerships are revered and highly prized in our society so anything other than that is perceived like a personal failure. Meeting a suitable partner is in my opinion down to luck and timing, not some sort of personal, fundamental inadequacy.