I’m so lonely it is breaking me

[Heytt]

Just that really. I have nobody to share my life with. My job or home worries, nobody to build furniture with, cook with or for, plan a holiday with, share an unexpected bill with, cuddle when I’m feeling unwell, nobody to get me a cup of tea, ever, nobody to spend my money on. I’m just so sad tonight.

I just wanted to say your not alone there are more people out there than you realise who are fery lonely and isolated. but you sound depressed and I would suggest getting help for that to lift you up as you are struggling and its affecting your mental health loniness is a killer but why not take yourself out at least one day or night over the weekend and it will distract you from the void in your life like others have said you can be married and lonely have kids and still be lonely or can't have a social life because your taking care of your family and home. I have been there both when single and married and it hurts like hell. Monday mornings dreading the questions how's your weekend been and giving same reply oh nothing exciting whilst they bang on how fabulous there's was I got used to it and the one weekend I had something to tell they never even bothered asking typical. It gets easier don't beat yourself up be kind to yourself always and if you want to spend money buy a present and donate it to a charity. I hope you feel better soon and don't presume your relationship won't work out because others didn't your still in your prime.

There are so many people in this situation. We see posts on here every week from women who feel their lives have come to a stand still. Could I suggest coming together to be more proactive about this?
Could the women who have posted here in the same situation contact each other? Could they chat on line as a way of building support and friendship with a view to getting together if they arnt living too far apart? Maybe this could lead to holidays and trips when the Covid situation allows?
Op would you consider this option?

How are you feeling this morning @Heytt? I hope if nothing else, you are feeling more supported from this thread x

Oh love I feel for you.

What I will say is it’s far more lonely to be in a shit relationship in my experience.

This will pass. You’ll find your people and possibly even a person for you.

I’ve been single since forever - dated a bit but nothing went anywhere because I put my kids first and wanted to wait til they were grown.

Weirdly I’ve a date planned and it’s so weird.

But I totally totally get how you feel.

It’ll change and pass I promise.

To everyone feeling lonely, you most certainly are not alone. I can relate to so much you have said here OP when I was that age.

I was the odd one out. I was different - but why? I had to organise things to do on the weekend. I was tagging onto the families. I saw little units everywhere instead of individuals. Everyone would post a photo of them on their birthday with their partner and children carrying a cake, I was still trying to organise a gang to come out with me.

I really get it. But what you need to change here is your perspective. You say you've done all the hobbies but have you done hobbies for the sake of doing them or to meet someone?

The best thing I ever did for myself was a course called Vipassana. It is hardcore. That's all I will tell you. But it taught me how to accept or always try to accept.

At the moment you're single. Let's face it, you probably won't always be. So just accept it fully. Everything changes all the time for everyone. So get on with things how they are right now. When I made this decision I started being really selfish about now I wanted to spend my time. I didn't really enjoy being the odd singleton in a sea of couples so I stopped spending so much time with them. I figured if they were really my friends they would understand "sorry, it's not forever but right now being around you all makes me feel sad". I started researching and doing things I really enjoyed. It was brilliant. It became a really really happy period of my life.

I continued going on dates but became very fussy - he really needed to fit in with my life, my pursuits, my interests. So when a suitable man showed up, I recognised him.

In short, you are not wrong to feel how you feel. Everyone deserves to be someone's priority. But right now you are single. Embrace it. It won't be forever.

I get it OP, it's shit. I've got two dc and in my 40s but single for about 8 years. In that time I've dated lots of men, had shortish 'relationships' but always ended up disappointed when they flake away or it turns out they future faked or whatever.

I find it hard on a lovely summer evening to have no one to share it with, I just walk alone. Then in winter it's long cold nights alone. I do see friends, cinema etc but it's not the same as a committed relationship.

@Zerrin13

There are so many people in this situation. We see posts on here every week from women who feel their lives have come to a stand still. Could I suggest coming together to be more proactive about this? Could the women who have posted here in the same situation contact each other? Could they chat on line as a way of building support and friendship with a view to getting together if they arnt living too far apart? Maybe this could lead to holidays and trips when the Covid situation allows? Op would you consider this option?

This is a great idea. Are there meetups / holidays for singles? There must be. It is just so isolating feeling like you're hiding away or waiting for some of your attached mates to be available to spend time with you. The op is right saying she doesn't fit in. Why should she keep trying?

I'm over 50, divorced for a long time and I fully understand you. Saturday nights are the worse because everyone is in couples or with their families. Your feeling is real and it's shit.

Working from home doesn't help either. Sometimes days and days go by without seeing anyone at all.

You are dating someone now so try to keep positive. It might work out.

I wish you lots of strength. You are definitely not a waste and your feeling is very valid. There are a lot of us "lonely people"

I relate to loneliness and isolation, and also see many couples around me (nuclear families/atomised way of living).

I was single and childless up until recently (I'm still single but I'm currently pregnant and expecting a child in December). Before getting pregnant, I dated and had a two year relationship which unfortunately didn't work out as our life plans weren't aligned but deciding to pursue solo-parenthood alone really stopped me from expecting a man/next relationship to bring me that 'happiness'. Time wasn't on my side (39) and I was extremely fortunate that my IVF treatment was successful.

I wish there were more opportunities to socialise, more diverse groups of people rather than coupling up and having a relationship as the default way to obtain some some sort of 'social status' and 'happiness'. I enjoy being around different people but I do find it hard to make arrangements with others who appear to be too busy with other people.

I definitely would like to have a relationship
again in the future, however I wanted to create my own family/kinship and hopefully will expand my social circle in a different way when my child arrives.

Is having children/a family important to you Op?

Thanks. I am not so good today. I haven’t seen anyone since Thursday. I usually do have a coffee here and there with friends so this is an unusual weekend. I just feel like my life is nothing like I wanted. It makes it hard to talk to family and friends as I have nothing to say really. Then I feel angry and frustrated and just want to be on my own. It’s horrible. I don’t know what to do really.

I’d like to settle down with someone. That’s not an answer to loneliness, I know. But it would mean there was another person to share life with a lot of the time. I just can’t see that happening now...I am a bit of a broken person really. I have no faith in finding someone and have been bruised by heartache in the past, not sure anyone would even be ok with that.

Op sorry to hear you’re feeling low

Did you say you were dating a nice guy? It could progress to something more?

It’s awful, OP, you have my sympathy.

Tbh settling down with someone is the answer to loneliness. Not happiness but loneliness certainly.

@MarshaBradyo he’s nice but things never work out. I think I am meant to be alone, I’ve tried so hard in the past with relationships. I can’t summon any form of excitement these days. I would have loved to have settled down ten years ago.

Totally disagree that the answer is a partner. You do have the power to change your life (& weekend) if you want to but I’m getting the impression you need to wallow for a bit. That’s fine but please accept you won’t be rescued by anyone but yourself.

gin the problem is that it seems from what the OP is saying the answer is very much a partner! What else would you suggest!

Sorry OP

I hear you. I’m in a similar situation. Sending hugs.

@fat13

gin the problem is that it seems from what the OP is saying the answer is very much a partner! What else would you suggest!

Sorry OP

Creating a fulfilling life where your happiness doesn’t depend on one person. Find a passion, a project… hell, if you want a family there are ways of doing that alone too.

I’m speaking from experience. I’ve been on the phone to the Samaritans on a bleak Sunday & gone to the depths. Again, no one will save you but yourself and to be frank, if you do find a relationship when you’re in the depths it’s likely to be with a narc.

Would a pet help?.

There are ways of having a family alone but let’s not pretend it’s not hugely difficult and costly.

I used to feel exactly as the OP did - tagging onto another family. Because tbh I was.

It isn’t about building a life where your happiness depends on another person. It’s more that life is made for couples and families and so if you’re apart from that you’re cut off and isolated no matter how much you might try to convince yourself otherwise.

Sorry to hear you feel like that Doreehme

I feel there are many diffferent kinds of loneliness.

Heard about a loneliness project (I think it was woman's hour) with little portraits of people experiencing different kinds of loneliness.

I'm a youngish mid fifties gal. Single mother.

I feel lonely because my ex is a complete arsehole, waiting for my divorce settlement, taking up a lot of space in my head, it is exhausting. Has taken eight years. And because of how I am right now I think it best to stay single as I'm not sure what I woudl bring to a relationship anyway right now.

Having a teenager is often lonely. First thing in the morning they are often in a strop, often moody and pushing boundaries. I find it exhausting.

And then there is the year that we've had, has made it difficult to plan anything. Home schooling etc.

When I feel lonelly at least I take myself out, chat to the taxi driver - i'm used to sitting on my own in a cafe or restaurant and people watching or with a book. At least i'm out and don't have to wash up.

Sometimes doing that is a reality check of what life is like for people in relationships. i.e the way some people treat each other is sometimes appalling.

And sometimes I see couples go out to eat, and dont' speak a word to each other playing with their mobile phones respectively

And I think , I'd rather be on my own!

I do think a partner would take away the loneliness, that’s inevitable really, assuming they’re not abusive or you completely dislike them! It’s one thing saying you can be happy alone, which I’m sure is true, but when you are deeply lonely then a partner that you’re happy with is of course going to make life a bit brighter. If it didn’t then the majority of people wouldn’t seek a relationship at all.

I feel quite bitter that nothing has worked out with anyone. I know it’s partly down to luck but I have such minimal energy now to even engage in celebrating other people. I just think oh please fuck off whenevr I hear something nice happening to someone else... obviously once I’ve taken it in I’m not such a bitch, but I never used to be like this. I used to be so happy for people and never compare. It’s very hard to do that when you realise that you’re in a very small minority who hasn’t celebrated a house purchase with someone, or an engagement or a honeymoon... etc etc. I hate that I sound so bitter but I am. It’s rubbish.

I definitely think and feel that you are not alone in feeling like this OP,

Which is kind of ironic given that you feel so lonely in that place.

I listen to talk radio Radio 4 and at present can't bear listening to inspiring stories about people who have overcome difficulties adn then gone on to be hugely successful.

It just makes me depressed as it seems so out of reach at the moment.

I liked what one poster said about fully accepting where you are, and then it changes shape and becomes something different.

There is also something about acquiring the skills to deal with loneliness. I have noticed some people go round in tribes with their family, kids etc and never do anything on their own. Which is the opposite extreme.

And maybe they are the ones who are vulnerable. If anything happens to their supposedly solid existence, I do wonder what they would do.

You hear enought stories about people losing their partners and not knowing how to pay bills (because Georgia/George always dealt with it).

As hard as it sometimes is being a single parent the bits I'm most proud of are learning to do new things on my own, because I haveto/or choose to/or can't afford to smoeone in.

I've had relationships where I've leant on a man and thought it was cooperative and two sided, and he has helped with DIY etc, but then come back with a lot of resentment on his part and I wished I had done it all myself anyway as I didn't need to grief.

One thing I used to do I still do, I travelled abroad and lived abroad for a decade when I was younger.

On arriving in a new place, I used to choose a cafe or restaurant to go to each day if I could. The staff would get used to me, and then greet me as a regular.

It was useful and staved off loneliness to a certain extent. But that became more difficult in covid as restaurants etc closed.

And social distancing really hasn't helped has it, as people have become more entrenched in their bubbles really. I didn't have a support bubble at all, I didn't do /zoom either. So I was cut off from a lot of things. The shock of the pandemic and it didn't really occur to me to set one up. I just put my head down and got on with it somehow.

You must not live on London then but a smaller town? There are a LOT of single women and guys your age and older in London, it's very common. Maybe not permanently but consider moving to London - they're many more guys in late 30s etc looking for someone and probably be easier to find a guy (just avoid the commirmentphobes). In smaller towns everyone seems to couple up relatively early so if you happen not to, it can make you seem the odd one out when in bigger places your situation of being single in your late 30s/40s is very normal.