Lazy boyfriend useless dad

[Jr2020]

I need to vent. I don’t know where else to turn to and I don’t know what’s the point in this post but feel like my brain is going to malfunction if I don’t air my feelings out to others mums.
My boyfriend of 2 years is not the dad I thought he would be. To put it nicely he’s utterly shit.
Our baby is 7 months, she’s amazing, such a good baby and adorable.
He has next to no input with her and isn’t interested in getting hands on either.
He has NEVER got up in the night for her. He vapes weed and there’s no waking him up once he’s asleep , he won’t even stir if she’s crying in his ear.
He sleeps in happily till past 11am sometimes with no regard that I’ve been up since 6 almost every morning. He falls asleep on the sofa every night and hardly ever makes it up to bed so we have time together. He refuses to change her nappy sometimes, rolls his eyes when I ask him to do stuff with her, if I go out and he’s left at home alone he will sleep. Even if it’s 4-5 hours and the house is a mess, I’ll come home to it untouched and find him sleeping on the sofa. It’s getting me so down now, constant tidying up after him, doing everything with my baby which I actually love doing , she just deserves so much more from him. He’s actually so lazy and shit. We’ve had so many arguments about this in the past and as soon as I mention any of this, no matter how I word it or approach him, it always ends up with me feeling bad that I’m attacking him or something. And he still carries on, still continues to sleep in the day, leave the house a mess, complain that I nag him too much, he NEVER offers to give me a break, he’s never once said “let me take her whilst you go half half an hour to yourself” NOTHING. Don’t even know the aim of this to be honest just so many thoughts going round my head. Can’t speak to my family about it because my dad ends up messaging him, it’s always a caring and supportive message , but my partner gets affected by it and angry that I’m painting a bad picture of him and shit.

You must know what people will say. The picture is bad because he’s horrible and useless. He clearly shows that he doesn’t care about you or your baby.

How long are you going to put up with it?

Do you think your daughter deserves to grow up knowing her dad doesn’t care about her? Do you think you deserve to be with someone so utterly disengaged, lazy, angry, thoughtless?

Stop arguing with him, it’s pointless and he will never see your point of view.

Start making plans to leave. How can you be helped into doing this?

Have counselling going forward to work out exactly why you chose him to be in a relationship with , let alone have a child by. Do you not think you deserve better from a relationship? What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

There is nothing to say.

You can't and won't change him, this is Who he is, who you had your baby with.
You can get rid now or continue to pander to him for years and martyr yourself and then get rid.
Either way the solution is the same.

Oh my love, this was EXACTLY my life 18 years ago. Completely uninterested man, gorgeous little girl... it never got any better. It took almost 13 years for me to get the courage to ask him to leave, but life since then has been immeasurably better. Please have a good hard think about what you want to do. Being on your own with a child is hard, but it isn't the worst thing in the world.

What do you get from this relationship with him op? Is he working full time to support his child financially? Is he a wonderful partner? Does he show he loves and respects you?

It wouldn't be any harder doing it alone because you already are

This man is not a partner or a dad. He brings nothing into the relationship except stress. If he leaves your life will actually be a lot easier and i bet you will find you have more money too. Strap your big girl pants on and stop feeling sorry for him. These are his choices. He sees you struggle and refuses to help. He refuses to parent his child. He is only in the house for his own selfish reasons. I grew up with an alcoholic dad exactly like this. Myself and both siblings all have pretty serious MH issues due to having a father that was present but didnt care about us as much as what was in his glass. Please please please do not do this to your lovely baby. For their sake ( if not yours) leave now.

You aren't painting a bad picture of him. You are stating the facts?

Look the baby is here, so I am not asking for that reason. But was he like this before? Or is this new?

Does he work?

How long were you together before you got pregnant? Somewhere around 6 months?

It sounds like you assumed he would step up and he didn't. The only choices you have is to stay and suck it up or leave. He isn't interested in changing and anytime you draw attention to his poor behaviour, he blames you.

He vapes weed

Of course he does. Why is your bar so low?

With kindness OP you were not together very long before you got pregnant. You did not really know him at all, now, 2 yrs and a child later, you do.

You will be much better off alone. He is adding to your workload. He is and will continue ,to bring you and your child down. I appreciate you may want to keep a little family unit of sorts together but this will only drag you and yr child down.

Your child is 7mths now and your partner has not stepped up. Use that venting energy into starting to plan and rebuilding your life now , so that you have sorted most of the basic things, before returning to work when your mat leave ends.

So paint a good picture of him then - what's good about this lazy pothead?

If it's something like "but I love him" and that's all you've got, then catch yourself on. He loves weed and himself.

Urgh. Leave the useless twat. Your life will be immeasurably easier without him cluttering up the place with his lazy arse. You’re essentially a lone parent anyway so you may as well get all the benefits of actually being one! Depending on your work/financial situation you could be eligible for financial support and wouldn’t have the frustration of another adult around who could be helping but isn’t. It’s honestly so liberating to know that you are doing it all alone because you’re alone and not because you’re with someone so crap!! I wouldn’t want your baby to actually have any unsupervised contact with him so maybe speak to your GP or someone about his weed use and make sure it’s on record that he’s sleeping all day and doesn’t wake up when she cries so that in future if he tries to get overnight access (he won’t, he’s too fucking lazy) you’ll have some proof on record as to why he’s an unfit parent. I haven’t any experience of trying to stop an unfit dad having access, but hopefully someone will be along to support you with that part. Worst comes to worst I’d threaten to report him for possession unless he stays away from her. She doesn’t need a useless pot-head in her life.

Just kick him out. You'll have less to do because you're not tidying up after him. Your daughter won't notice the difference as he does nothing with her anyway.

Leave the useless dumb ass
You deserve better and will have a much happier life with your wee girl
You will know exactly how much money you have , what you can spend save or waste, how much housework laundry you have , when it will be done and no extra lump of fucking lard to clean up after
Honestly it's not such a bad life

You were with him very briefly when you chose to have a baby with a pothead.

He sounds like a complete waster.

Your daughter deserves better.
You need to take responsibility forvyour choices and make better ones.

Are you intending to inflict this pothead on your daughter long term or are you going to get rid of him?

He's sleeping all the time because he's a druggy waster?

Stop arguing with him.
Contact family and see if they can help you to move home or get him out.

Do either of you work?

You chose to have a child, you need to take responsibility and provide a drug free home for her.

You both deserve better, it's up to you to make it happen for that poor child.

"but my partner gets affected by it and angry that I’m painting a bad picture of him and shit"

Abusers hate to be exposed. And that is what he is, an abusive lazy arsehole. Please don't raise your little girl around this person, she will grow up to think that's how women deserve to be treated. Its not fair on you and its not fair on her.

Find a way to leave, or get rid of him. Imagine your tidy happy home without this waste of space. Life is so much better with no relationship than an unhappy one.

He vapes weed

I’m not sure what you expected given this tbh. Why would you have a baby with a druggie?

Well you didn't really know him when you got pregnant by him although no doubt, signs of his idleness were there beyond your love goggles.

Does he even have a job?

I feel sorry for your Daughter and I hope you take pp's advice

Don’t say you love him. Say what wonderful things he brings to your life that make you love him. If you can’t then maybe he is as utterly shit as he sounds and you should ditch him. You’d be better off without his lazy arse dragging you down. I should know - took me far too long to ditch mine and get a better one!

You have 2 choices @Jr2020 :-

You can leave now and build a satisfying life for yourself and your child.

Or you can stay for another 5, 10, 15 years, until your life becomes totally intolerable and your daughter is permanently damaged by the toxic environment in which she grew up in. At which point you'll HAVE to leave to save her and yourself, but your life will be extremely hard and you may never recover.

Which is it to be?

You and DD need to live without him.
He is like/or is a drug addict. He has withdrawn from real life. He is no good.

You got pregnant when you barely knew him - was it about at 7mo or so - so it’s likely you are only still together because of the baby.
And I am guessing he has always been this way in the past two years. Not sure why you’d expect him to change just because he now has a baby. He clearly didn’t want it and all of the responsibilities that came with being a parent.
This isn’t going to get better. In your place - I’d pick up my life and go it along. And try to eventually meet someone more grown up.
Just don’t jump into a new relationship too fast and definitely don’t have any more babies before you are sure about a partner.

Doesn't he work?

He is making no effort for either the baby, you or the house. I would kick him out.

@FlowerArranger

You have 2 choices *@Jr2020* :-

You can leave now and build a satisfying life for yourself and your child.

Or you can stay for another 5, 10, 15 years, until your life becomes totally intolerable and your daughter is permanently damaged by the toxic environment in which she grew up in. At which point you'll HAVE to leave to save her and yourself, but your life will be extremely hard and you may never recover.

Which is it to be?

Spot on.