Lazy boyfriend useless dad

[Jr2020]

I need to vent. I don’t know where else to turn to and I don’t know what’s the point in this post but feel like my brain is going to malfunction if I don’t air my feelings out to others mums.
My boyfriend of 2 years is not the dad I thought he would be. To put it nicely he’s utterly shit.
Our baby is 7 months, she’s amazing, such a good baby and adorable.
He has next to no input with her and isn’t interested in getting hands on either.
He has NEVER got up in the night for her. He vapes weed and there’s no waking him up once he’s asleep , he won’t even stir if she’s crying in his ear.
He sleeps in happily till past 11am sometimes with no regard that I’ve been up since 6 almost every morning. He falls asleep on the sofa every night and hardly ever makes it up to bed so we have time together. He refuses to change her nappy sometimes, rolls his eyes when I ask him to do stuff with her, if I go out and he’s left at home alone he will sleep. Even if it’s 4-5 hours and the house is a mess, I’ll come home to it untouched and find him sleeping on the sofa. It’s getting me so down now, constant tidying up after him, doing everything with my baby which I actually love doing , she just deserves so much more from him. He’s actually so lazy and shit. We’ve had so many arguments about this in the past and as soon as I mention any of this, no matter how I word it or approach him, it always ends up with me feeling bad that I’m attacking him or something. And he still carries on, still continues to sleep in the day, leave the house a mess, complain that I nag him too much, he NEVER offers to give me a break, he’s never once said “let me take her whilst you go half half an hour to yourself” NOTHING. Don’t even know the aim of this to be honest just so many thoughts going round my head. Can’t speak to my family about it because my dad ends up messaging him, it’s always a caring and supportive message , but my partner gets affected by it and angry that I’m painting a bad picture of him and shit.

What benefit do you get from living with him? He treats you and his daughter with contempt, walk away

HE LOVES WEED MORE THAN HE LOVES YOU AND YOUR CHILD!!!

Ask him to leave.
Claim maintenance.
Get on with your life.

Get the lazy stoner to leave. He is worse than useless.

He’s the manager of a children’s care home ironically. He’s amazing with the kids he looks after and is full of energy for them. I would be proud of that however it’s not reflective at home so I resent it

He’s actually the manager of a children’s care home ironically

Unfortunately weed is part of our culture. We are both Rastafarian’s however I don’t use weed, I did long before my pregnancy but not now. I don’t have an issue with weed in general as my father has always used it and has sustained an extremely successful business for years and is an amazing dad. However it has a really negative affect on my partner therefore it’s a big issue and a cause for most arguments. I understand everyone saying leave the pothead, but we have a mortgage, he’s already said he wouldn’t let me take her abroad ever if we separated , which is hard as I have family abroad .

You have said :
“He sleeps in happily till past 11am sometimes with no regard that I’ve been up since 6 almost every morning”

You also mentioned his sleeping in the day.
How is this all woven in with being the manager of a children’s s care home and being great with the kids I wonder?

What are his hours of work and what are his duties?

He works from 7am till 11pm , and his shift goes like, one day on and 2 days off. I understand It’s long hours, and I don’t ask much of him tbh. But on his days off he sleeps in till late, I get that he’s tired but he doesn’t consider that I also work hard with our new baby

It is something that he is working, all be it part-time. Is it weekends too?

Can he go without weed on his work days?

Yeah he goes without it at
Work of course, I think that’s why he’s so energised and eager to do stuff with the kids he cares for. On his days off he doesn’t even make it up to bed with me, I Can’t even remember the last time we fell asleep together. I go up to bed and he says he will follow however He falls asleep on the sofa and will sleep downstairs after he’s vaped his weed. It makes me sad as he manages to fall asleep without it at work but at home he apparently needs it to fall asleep . And he works weekends sometimes if his shift pattern falls on it

Smoking weed is the cause of most of your arguments, costs a decent chunk of the family budget and makes him behave like a lazy scrot.

And yet he isn't willing to stop using?

Which means he's either an addict refusing to seek help, an addict who doesn't give enough of a fuck about you or his child to stop or not an addict but still doesn't give enough of a fuck about you or his child to stop.

I honestly think that living alone (with your little girl obviously) and having to do everything is better than living with a useless wanker and having to do everything. At least it eliminates having to deal with him or see him laying about while you aren't.

You've spoken to him about it repeatedly and nothing has changed so the only thing you can do is either accept this as your fate (please don't) or leave him and make a better life with your daughter (please do).

He refuses to change her nappy sometimes, rolls his eyes when I ask him to do stuff with her

She's really tiny now so won't 'notice' as such but this attitude towards her will remain and it will be much better for her to not live under the same roof as someone who sees her as an inconvenience. It's disgusting.

To be honest, would you be better having a break ?

My boyfriend of 2 years is not the dad I thought he would be.

In the nicest possible way - what made you think this useless tosser would be a good dad?

Nothing in your post suggests that he is anything other than a lazy, self centred, weed smoking waste of space. He doesn't appear to work or to contribute anything to your relationship. He doesn't appear to do any parenting.

Just leave. Life will be better without him.

Yeah he goes without it at works of course, I think that’s why he’s so energised and eager to do stuff with the kids he cares for.

I know you use the word care here about his work in the care home but it is so sad isnt it - he is able to summon the effort and energy for them but not do anything to make you feel like he 'cares for' his own daughter. Growing up under the same roof as that energy and dynamic will have such a negative affect on her and you need to take that into consideration when thinking about what to do next.

Because you aren't happy, you've explained what the issues are and nothing has changed. He isn't going to change.

My boyfriend of 2 years is not the dad I thought he would be.

This is a huge part of the issue I think - you only knew him for a few months before getting pregnant so you didn't have time to get to know him enough to have a good sense of what he would be like as a parent. Don't punish you and your daughter for this lack of foresight by staying with him just because you share a child.

He's lazy and useless and only cares about himself.

I have a friend exactly like you. Complaining about her boyfriend who was useless with their baby and spent most of his time sleeping on the sofa. But she wouldn't leave.

Guess what, 18 years later, he is still sleeping on the sofa and is otherwise utterly useless. Most recently, he missed his daughter's graduation, as he had band practice . His band is about to make it, you see. (it's crap and nobody will ever listen to them). The man is in his 50s. That's your future.

So you’re worried that he will be upset that people think badly of him for being a lazy entitled prick? It’s the truth. He’s a bad dad.
I think you’d be better alone but I know that can’t be a situation you’d ever hope for :(

He's a weed addict. Smoking come before you and your DC and always will.

Life would be a lot easier if you didn't have him to look after

Like others have said. It will not get any better and it will get more and more difficult for you. It is exhausting constantly expecting them to step up and help, 11 years later I am still waiting for the father of my children to step up. He is my ex now.
Get rid, it will be easier on your own, you won't have 2 children to deal with.

It is all very odd for you. It is as though your whole relationship is vaped away by him. He really doesn’t seem to be there on his days off.

If he can manage without on work days without going into rages from withdrawal may be he isn’t addicted and could stop.

In your shoes I would consider leaving unless he does.

What do you want to teach your dd about relationships and what is she learning here?.

Look at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.
Would you want your Dd as an adult to choose a pothead for a partner just like you did in respect of this man?. Your father I note also uses weed too, do you still think he is a great dad?. He could well have put weed and his business interests ahead of his family.

Having a mortgage is no obstacle to separating from him nor should it be seen as such.

It is also not up to him to tell you that you cannot take your child abroad in the event of a split. He is not the boss of you. In view of those comments I would ensure that when you do separate you formalise any and allcontact arrangements through the courts.

So he works hard at looking after the children he's paid to look after whilst being a bad dad to his own

@AttilaTheMeerkat

He absolutely can tell her that she can’t take her child abroad in the event of a split. Legally, OP can take her child abroad for 14 days without consent of the other parent if he is on the birth certificate. Anything longer than that she needs a letter of consent signed by him to show at the border. I’m asked for it all the time when I travel back home with my kids and without my other half.

He can indeed say that but he is not the boss of her.