How to see male friend without being a threat

[Pixissmoke]

Hi, I need some sensible Mumsnet advice.
I have a male friend that I've not seen for years but who I value very much. There was a moment in the past when we almost got together but I wasn't interested in him and still don't think of him in that way. I think I disappointed him at the time, but this was years ago. We have a lot of respect for each other and I always really valued his friendship and perspectives on life.
We've been meaning to connect for a long time but life has been busy. He now has a wife and kids whereas I live by myself. We have recently been in touch and we'd both really like to meet up.
How can we reconnect without me being seen as a threat? I suggested lunch or a walk. He has said either of those are fine and also invited me round for dinner and to stay over if I want (as I don't live nearby). I don't know for sure but I think his wife used to see me as a threat, and disliked me slightly, so I feel really unsure what to do. I do want to re-establish our friendship but I don't want to overstep the mark in any way. He is a very loyal family-man type, not a philanderer. Is there any hope for our friendship? What should I do?

Is he Matt Hancock? If so, stay clear, the family mean nothing!!

On a serious note, I would actually leave it. It may have been platonic for you but it obviously wasn’t for him. I smell trouble.

Just leave him alone

Why are you doing this? If you want to be his friend, be his wife's friend, too, and meet them together. Anything else is just asking for trouble.

I think because he used to fancy you, it’s unfortunately not the best idea. Especially if you’ve not seen him for years.

I don’t think you can have a platonic friendship if one person fancies the other.

Ffs at the previous posts

Accept the offer of dinner at theirs. His wife would clearly be aware of this / the invitation. Get to know her, be transparent that you are in no way a threat to the marriage.

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

Thank you. I think this is the best option. I'll go for dinner with them both. I won't stay over as that feels a bit intense.

Agreed. Go, take flowers, have dinner, go home.

It’s what friends do 🤷🏻‍♀️

You should be allowed to have a male friend who is married. I would suggest meeting up for daytime but probably best not to spend too much time at his house as it could feel uncomfortable. Suggest dinner at a restaurant then no one has to cook or clear up?

Honestly, buy a fat suit. When I was fat wives didn't care but since losing weight apparently I must be sniffing after their husbands (I am not)

Absolutely, definitely, 100% leave it. This is not a friendship that is active and ongoing, and it doesn't need reviving now. Perhaps if you were also married and had children, you could all get together for Sunday lunch or something. But as things stand: no way.

@NakedNugget

Just leave him alone

This. He has a wife and small children, and their essential need for stability and security trumps your want for chats with an estranged friend who previously had feelings for you.

Stirring this pot would be a wrong thing to do.

Accept the offer for dinner but say you have an appointment the next day so cant stay over.

I think it's nice you both want to reestablish the friendship. And his wife might be fine with you now.

I know my DH had a close female friend when we first got together, I didn't like or trust her. But in time realised that was stupid, got to know her, she's nice. It's all fine. Sometimes they meet up without me there but mostly she wants to see us all when she comes to the area so stays at ours, we all eat together, she chats with the kids etc. I now think of her as a friend.

Go over for dinner with them if they're inviting you. Maybe don't stay the night (bit much). I wouldn't meet up 1:1 since she was previously wary of you.

Have you any other friends?

You should be allowed to have a male friend who is married...

You missed off the important bit, ...and fancies you.

And that's the problem. I have male friends. Only one ever declared his undying love and I'm veeeeeerrrrryyyyy careful with him.

You haven’t seen him for years so what’s the point if you could possibly be seen as ‘a threat?’

Oh Christ I bet his wife is going love going to dinner with his single female 'mate' who he nearly got to shag.

Not cool OP.

No. Just leave it.
Why would she want to be friends with you?
He wants what he didn’t get first time round.
Don’t feed the beast.

Go for dinner. You might get on really well with both of them. If not nothing lost.

Who made the first move to reestablish contact? How long ago was it and how often are you in touch?

Go for dinner. Be nice to his wife and kids and hope you've made new friends. Don't talk much about the past, but chat about what you're all up to now.

And no in jokes.

Does his wife know you have been in contact again and that he has invited you to their home, or will she and the kids be conveniently somewhere else on the night? I would be wary here, he could be a nice man simply catching up with a friend or he could be chancing his arm trying to start something.

I wouldn’t assume the wife knows about the invite.

I think you’re stirring the pot.