Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How to see male friend without being a threat

69 replies

Pixissmoke · 25/06/2021 20:10

Hi, I need some sensible Mumsnet advice.
I have a male friend that I've not seen for years but who I value very much. There was a moment in the past when we almost got together but I wasn't interested in him and still don't think of him in that way. I think I disappointed him at the time, but this was years ago. We have a lot of respect for each other and I always really valued his friendship and perspectives on life.
We've been meaning to connect for a long time but life has been busy. He now has a wife and kids whereas I live by myself. We have recently been in touch and we'd both really like to meet up.
How can we reconnect without me being seen as a threat? I suggested lunch or a walk. He has said either of those are fine and also invited me round for dinner and to stay over if I want (as I don't live nearby). I don't know for sure but I think his wife used to see me as a threat, and disliked me slightly, so I feel really unsure what to do. I do want to re-establish our friendship but I don't want to overstep the mark in any way. He is a very loyal family-man type, not a philanderer. Is there any hope for our friendship? What should I do?

OP posts:

Decorhate · 25/06/2021 22:20

I have several very good male friends who I have known for a very long time. The only way to keep the friendships going without causing upset to partners is to only meet in a group of friends or with our families. And there is still a feeling that the wives/girlfriends don’t quite trust me.

I think if you have not met in person for 10 years you should just let it go & keep in touch casually as you have been.

Delatron · 25/06/2021 22:20

I think the slight issue is that it’s been 10 years. OP appears out of nowhere to have dinner and stay when I doubt the husband has even mentioned her for 10 years.

If they’d kept seeing each other as friends then I’m sure the wife would be ok with it.

Cowbells · 25/06/2021 22:22

Invite them both over for lunch and a walk. That firmly puts him in the context of having a partner you are happy to socialise with.

NotaCoolMum · 25/06/2021 22:23

If you have to ask how to see him without “being a threat”, then you must know that it would be a threat and is not a good idea

Pigsnacksatthewinchester · 25/06/2021 22:25

Just, why?

If you know he was keen on you in the past, just where do you imagine this is going to go?

Leave it alone. Make new friends.

Gentleness · 25/06/2021 22:36

You were friends, you still are. He seems to have moved on from his feelings for you - that's something that happens. There's something lovely about moving on and putting old things to rest.

I can't see any problem with having a meal with his family. If you are worried about his wife feeling threatened, you may find that meeting with them both settles you all into a new dynamic. Then you can choose how much and what to invest going forward.

Original poster

Pixissmoke · 25/06/2021 22:40

@Pigsnacksatthewinchester
Where do I imagine it going? That seems like a strange thing to ask. Where do most friendships go. I just want to be able to meet up and have a conversation sometimes with someone I've known for a long time. Everyone seems to be fixated on the fact that we had a romantic connection once, but this was years and years ago and we have been friends since and used to meet up in groups, for social occasions etc. We didn't see each other over the 10 years because he was busy with marriage, bringing up kids, and we live in different places.
@Cowbells Inviting them over for lunch and a walk sounds like a great suggestion. Thank you. Unfortunately they're a bit far away but it might be possible.

OP posts:

Sampafie · 25/06/2021 22:55

@Ecdysis funniest thing ive read on MN ever but OMG soooo true. I m still in stitches

Godmothered · 25/06/2021 23:28

I think the fact you mention his wife would consider you a threat speaks volumes on how you see your relationship with this man. This is a statement you've made, not his wife. It comes across as being a bit smug.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 25/06/2021 23:50

@macon

Absolutely, definitely, 100% leave it. This is not a friendship that is active and ongoing, and it doesn't need reviving now. Perhaps if you were also married and had children, you could all get together for Sunday lunch or something. But as things stand: no way.

Can you explain why?

Honeybeebloom · 25/06/2021 23:58

Another one thinking you should leave it.

I totally think that men and women can be friends but this isn't an ongoing friendship, it's one you're trying to rekindle. Given that he wanted to get with you in the past and his wife doesn't feel comfortable about you I don't think I'd be pursuing this.

Prettybubblesintheair · 25/06/2021 23:58

You haven’t “known” him a long time it the most contact is an email every few years. There’s something deeply narcissistic about wanting to meet up with someone you know had feelings for you and for automatically assuming you’re a threat. Just leave him alone.

dryasaboner · 26/06/2021 00:11

A great friend you haven't seen for ten years and communicate with via email every few years? Accept he's moved on

NakedNugget · 26/06/2021 00:16

[quote Pixissmoke]@Pigsnacksatthewinchester
Where do I imagine it going? That seems like a strange thing to ask. Where do most friendships go. I just want to be able to meet up and have a conversation sometimes with someone I've known for a long time. Everyone seems to be fixated on the fact that we had a romantic connection once, but this was years and years ago and we have been friends since and used to meet up in groups, for social occasions etc. We didn't see each other over the 10 years because he was busy with marriage, bringing up kids, and we live in different places.
@Cowbells Inviting them over for lunch and a walk sounds like a great suggestion. Thank you. Unfortunately they're a bit far away but it might be possible.[/quote]
You may want to meet up with someone you've known a long time but you're hardly close friends and knowing full well it will upset his wife Just goes to show you think you're currently non existent friendship is more important than her marriage

Seriously just leave it, it's not like you're losing anything is it.

NakedNugget · 26/06/2021 00:19

@TedMullins

Christ these replies are ridiculous. Would you be saying the same if the man was a woman, in a same sex relationship? Heterosexuality and the toxic politics that come with it are honestly wild sometimes. If his wife can’t handle the fact he has a female friend that - shock horror! He used to fancy before he was with her - then she’s the one with the problem. Are you saying only married couples can be friends with each other and all single people are a threat? What a sad and petty outlook on life. Accept the dinner invitation and go as a friend to the family. If you turn up and he’s alone in the house and clearly has other motives then you can leave.

That's ridiculous, the op wouldn't be asking if she would be a threat to a female friends husband (obviously assuming she's not a lesbian) in that case would she... op clearly thinks she will be seen as threat as she's asking the question

HyggeTygge · 26/06/2021 00:45

I think it's a real shame that so many people (generally, not just in this situation) seem to think that once friends lose touch it's not worth bothering to get back in touch even if you had a great time when you were younger. Life gets in the way and in my experience, you don't meet that many people you really click with. "Make new friends" is flippant and much easier said than done for so many.

I'm all for gently re-starting some kind of light communication, meet-ups etc - you'll get a feel for how it'll shake out.

I think it'll be obvious if it's weird. But it might also be fun and easy?
I'd definitely make sure it's with him & wife and informal/low-pressure. Coffee in the park or something. You're a decade older, I doubt she'll think you're after her man or whatever?

We recently had friends visit that we haven't seen in years and it was a riot, granted there was never any chance of romance etc!

AramintaLee · 26/06/2021 00:46

Hi OP. I would suggest maybe asking your friend and his wife to meet for coffee and go from there. It's a little less intense then a dinner and would probably be an appropriate level of meet up for someone you haven't seen in a long time. Also the wife might decline but having been included in the invite, this might reassure her that you're not some seductress out to steal her husband.

However, if your friend shows any inclination that he's after something more than friendship (ie. gets flirty) then you have to let this one go. It's never a good idea to go down that rabbit hole.

MrsMaizel · 26/06/2021 01:12

@Godmothered

Yes you are right !

booboo24 · 26/06/2021 08:24

it's very strange as I could be writing your post! I was best friends with a guy in school, it all went pear shaped when he admitted he had feelings for me. I was already engaged at thaf point to someone who I went on to marry and have children with. Over the next 15 years we kept in casual contact but the last time I saw him was 10 years ago. 2 weeks ago I found all my old leavers things from school and i thought about him, so i sent him a quick message. He then said about meeting up, so his wife and children are coming to mine! I actually can't wait to see him as losing his friendship was the biggest regret of my life. His wife is lovely and has been involved in the arrangements. We were kids when he had feelings and I'm sure he's moved on from that so I'm glad we've managed to move past it and can still be friends.

I therefore think what's the harm in you going? As long as you include his wife in the conversation, try and make a friend of her too etc I think it's fine

Flip

1 2 3