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Original poster

How to see male friend without being a threat

69 replies

Pixissmoke · 25/06/2021 20:10

Hi, I need some sensible Mumsnet advice.
I have a male friend that I've not seen for years but who I value very much. There was a moment in the past when we almost got together but I wasn't interested in him and still don't think of him in that way. I think I disappointed him at the time, but this was years ago. We have a lot of respect for each other and I always really valued his friendship and perspectives on life.
We've been meaning to connect for a long time but life has been busy. He now has a wife and kids whereas I live by myself. We have recently been in touch and we'd both really like to meet up.
How can we reconnect without me being seen as a threat? I suggested lunch or a walk. He has said either of those are fine and also invited me round for dinner and to stay over if I want (as I don't live nearby). I don't know for sure but I think his wife used to see me as a threat, and disliked me slightly, so I feel really unsure what to do. I do want to re-establish our friendship but I don't want to overstep the mark in any way. He is a very loyal family-man type, not a philanderer. Is there any hope for our friendship? What should I do?

OP posts:
ILoveShula · 25/06/2021 20:56

Leave him alone. Yes, men and women can be friends but you are in dangerous territory there.

Leave him alone.

Etsylicious · 25/06/2021 20:57

Just leave it. Concentrate on friends where there is no awkward history.

Realitea · 25/06/2021 20:59

Just be aware his life is very different now and you probably won’t have the same things in common anymore.
His wife will feel pretty left out if you discuss ‘the old days’ before she came along.
His wife might not really want you to come over. It’s possible she’s fine about it all but I know I’d be feeling a bit weird about it to say the least.
It would be different if she was married too and you all met up together but having three of you just seems awkward

guatran · 25/06/2021 21:01

Ffs be the bigger person and don't go. He's obviously thinking with his dick, if he had feelings for you, you weren't platonic friends, he was just clinging on being the nice guy hoping for you to throw him a shag or two. Don't go. Why? I don't get it, leave it alone.

hunchbackofmanchester · 25/06/2021 21:05

I think this is actually really narcissistic

guatran · 25/06/2021 21:08

@hunchbackofmanchester yup. single, bored, needing an ego massage and to be the object of desire to someone again. Wife and kids, who?

Wheretobuy · 25/06/2021 21:10

Does his wife know you have been invited to stay. I will be very uncomfortable with it all even if she had.

Etsylicious · 25/06/2021 21:11

‘ I don't know for sure but I think his wife used to see me as a threat, and disliked me slightly, so I feel really unsure what to do.’

I mean why go there and cause angst for his wife? There is literally no need whatsoever for you to ‘re-establish the friendship’ 🙄

Onthedunes · 25/06/2021 21:11

Are you mad?

To be sitting at dinner whilst his wife scrutinises his and your interactions wondering whether he still attracted to his old unrequited love. You know she viewed you as a threat.

If you think this is in anyway appropriate, then you are a sadist and so is he.

Poor woman.

Wheretobuy · 25/06/2021 21:11

Oh and are you single?

Delatron · 25/06/2021 21:16

Yes she’s single.

MrsMaizel · 25/06/2021 21:25

Yes you used to value his perspectives on life but many years have gone by . His life is now different - find yourself some friends who are in the same boat as yourself .

Original poster
Pixissmoke · 25/06/2021 21:52

Thank you. A mixture of opinions here but it feels like most people are saying to leave it.

To answer some of the questions, it's been about 10 years since we last met but I've always counted him among one of my 'best' friends, and we have mutual friends too.
Every few years one of us will send a cheery email with an update and say we should meet up soon. This time round I wanted to get his help with a project (genuinely) so I got in touch, but last time it was him emailing me.

I really don't want to make his wife feel uncomfortable and that's why I wasn't that sure about dinner. I think I might feel uncomfortable too. Having lunch and a quick walk would be so much nicer and easier but it might be interpreted in the wrong way.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/06/2021 21:56

@Pixissmoke

Thank you. A mixture of opinions here but it feels like most people are saying to leave it.

To answer some of the questions, it's been about 10 years since we last met but I've always counted him among one of my 'best' friends, and we have mutual friends too.
Every few years one of us will send a cheery email with an update and say we should meet up soon. This time round I wanted to get his help with a project (genuinely) so I got in touch, but last time it was him emailing me.

I really don't want to make his wife feel uncomfortable and that's why I wasn't that sure about dinner. I think I might feel uncomfortable too. Having lunch and a quick walk would be so much nicer and easier but it might be interpreted in the wrong way.

If I'm honest, neither option sounds a particularly good idea. The risk of her feeling hurt / a bit shit / threatened / bewildered by this reconnection is surely not worth the potential gain you could get from it?

All sounds a bit teenage and hand wringing about not wanting to make his wife feel threatened but... when the easiest way to stop that would to be to leave the situation alone.

Delatron · 25/06/2021 21:57

How can he be a ‘best’ friend if you haven’t seen him for 10 years?

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/06/2021 21:58

@Delatron

How can he be a ‘best’ friend if you haven’t seen him for 10 years?
I don’t get it either.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/06/2021 21:59

@Delatron

How can he be a ‘best’ friend if you haven’t seen him for 10 years?
This!
Onthedunes · 25/06/2021 22:01

Find someone else to help you with this project, are you expecting to get some work done on the cheap?

Not good.

Original poster
Pixissmoke · 25/06/2021 22:02

I just mean a meaningful friend! Not like we talk and share like best friends. I really value him. He's a really special person to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixissmoke · 25/06/2021 22:06

Okay, I am being crucified here. Thank you Mumsnet. I'm not the 'other woman'. I'm trying to see if there's a way that I can be friends with someone that I value but it sounds like the verdict is NO.

OP posts:
LJenn · 25/06/2021 22:08

Jesus why is everyone jumping on OP?? It was a genuine question that was asked. Not everyone has bad intentions & wants ADVICE guys calm down.

guatran · 25/06/2021 22:10

If he's that meaningful to you, respect his life and his wife and leave him the fuck alone. Let's be honest, there's plenty of people you could get help from, you just want a little ego boost knowing he's still fawning over you.

Frazzledd · 25/06/2021 22:10

@Pixissmoke

I just mean a meaningful friend! Not like we talk and share like best friends. I really value him. He's a really special person to me.
I'm sure his wife would LOVE to hear that....nothing to worry about there huh....
Original poster
Pixissmoke · 25/06/2021 22:16

@Frazzledd
I don't mean special in a romantic way. I mean I think he's someone that has influenced my life for the better.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 25/06/2021 22:17

Christ these replies are ridiculous. Would you be saying the same if the man was a woman, in a same sex relationship? Heterosexuality and the toxic politics that come with it are honestly wild sometimes. If his wife can’t handle the fact he has a female friend that - shock horror! He used to fancy before he was with her - then she’s the one with the problem. Are you saying only married couples can be friends with each other and all single people are a threat? What a sad and petty outlook on life. Accept the dinner invitation and go as a friend to the family. If you turn up and he’s alone in the house and clearly has other motives then you can leave.